How to finally leave emotionally/financially abusive partner
Sorry.. long read ahead but I'm finally accepting that I'm drowning and probably have so much more to say.. I’m 37F and my boyfriend is 36M. I know deep down I want to end this relationship, but after years of this cycle I feel emotionally stuck and need advice from women who may have been through something similar.
My boyfriend is lazy, unmotivated, and honestly a complete man child. I know I’ve enabled a lot of it over the years, I've made excuses for him and I take accountability for that, but I’m at my breaking point.
His life is significantly better because of me, while mine is worse because of him. There is zero fairness or balance in this relationship.
He refuses to improve his situation in life. He won’t work overtime, won’t look for a better job, and has no ambition whatsoever. Early in our relationship he lost multiple jobs and I had to get a second job just to keep us afloat. I took our loans during that time that I am still paying to this day. Screwed up my credit. The only reason he has maintained his current job for the last few years is because he previously went to jail for not paying child support/unemployment issues and is scared of going back.
He constantly talks about wanting to “provide for his family” and “do better,” but his actions never match his words. But boy is he good at using words.
What makes it worse is that he contributes nothing elsewhere either. He doesn’t help with the house unless specifically told. He games constantly. He doesn’t spend quality time with me or even much time with his kids. He cannot take initiative with basic adult responsibilities.
Examples:
- The other day he was trying to put something in the freezer and literally just opened it and said, "This won't fit" and stared at me. Once I got up and had a bit of a face on, he got defensive asking what my issue was and ended up walking away while I put the stuff in the freezer with zero issue. He claimed he wasn't asking for my help but I can't figure out how staring at me while you claim something won't fit without trying isn't you asking for me to problem solve the issue for you.
- He can’t make simple decisions. Dinner becomes an issue because I always need to decide. He will ask me if he should let the dogs in. - I am a full believer in there are no dumb questions - however he has successfully made me change that tune because he constantly asks me things that are so basic or could be his own choice .. then gets mad when I talk to him like he's a child. (I don't do often but it becomes really hard to constantly be a decent person when I'm constantly asked to manage an adults daily life)
- I manage basically every aspect of his life. I think a lot of it is truly his inability to understand human communication, norms and reality - probably from every relationship enabling him. He's never had to truly do life on his own - but he'll claim he has, no freaking way.
Financially:
- He pays barely anything toward bills/rent.
- Doesn’t buy groceries.
- Has used my car for 3 years.
- I literally had to send him money for an oil change on my car he uses daily and has never paid for a single thing on it besides putting gas in it and I can confidently say he has never filled the tank.. it's $20 here $15 there.
- I wake up early to drive him to work or have to coordinate rides.
Basically my life is constantly inconvenienced while his runs smoothly. This is definitely my fault as I'm always trying to make everyone's life easier. He takes my car to work on the weekends so I either have to get up super early to take him or I'm stuck at home all day. I end up being at work longer hours because I get there so early. So many things in my life are sacrificed and his is totally fine.
I do everything. He does nothing. The money wouldn't even bother me if I didn't have to manage every aspect of his life, his kids life and my own life. If he cleaned without being told or took any type of initiative without attitude. Any type of ambition. I will always be the breadwinner with us, and honestly likely in most relationships I could find myself in.. It's not about being equal to me, it's about being fair. If I pay all the bills then can I at least come home to a clean house?
And when I ask for help, his words say “I don’t mind helping” but his body language/facial expressions make it clear he resents even being asked.
He can also be emotionally abusive/manipulative. He’s extremely quick-witted and somehow always flips situations around, has an excuse for everything, and makes me second guess myself. I know this is emotional abuse, but it’s still so hard to break away from.
The biggest complication is he lives with me, and he has burned so many bridges that if I end things he will likely have nowhere to go. In the past I could leave relationships physically, but I can’t exactly leave my own home. This makes me feel bad and not ever go through with it.
I stayed for a long time mostly because of his kids, who I care deeply about, but they’re older now and don’t rely on me the way they once did.
I know I deserve better. I want someone who wants to build a life, has ambition, wants to spend time with me, and contributes equally. I’m drowning carrying this relationship and I’m done.
My issue is not deciding IF I should leave—it’s HOW.
Every time I try, he manipulates the conversation, guilt trips me, twists things, or somehow ends up staying. I’ve tried before multiple times and somehow he always worms his way back in.
Women who have left emotionally manipulative/dependent partners:
How did you finally do it?
How do you stay strong when they try to guilt/manipulate you?
How do you stop feeling responsible for what happens to them after?