Went on a first date and it went pretty well. Have a second one coming up and was wondering if getting a dessert common from their home country is too much too soon…
Any advice?
So...to me sex feels more like an obligation to have, some toll I need to pay when my body reacts a certain way or when my partner reacts a certain way. Like "oh this is happening so now I have to do this and then that".
I do love and want the physical contact, the kissing feels good too, but sex...eh...
Like I enjoy cuddling, just laying in bed naked and watching a movie, or showering together because I enjoy the skin to skin contact and being that close. I just...don't really enjoy what comes with that usually. Like I engage with it because it makes them feel good but that's about it.
I still get hard but like...I generally just take care of that myself. It's...complicated, like I still get aroused and all that stuff, but I just don't really enjoy the act. It feels like I'm forced to do so though or that I have to put up with it if I want a partner. Like I said I enjoy the stuff people generally consider foreplay like the above about showering, kissing, cuddling, etc, I just...don't like the follow up.
I generally forced myself to have sex to feel a part of the community, relate to other guys, or to acquire prestige in the eyes of gay men by having a good body count. The only sex act that I'm kinda on the fence about is oral because I've had some experiences where doing it felt good but most of the time I just get tired if it takes too long.
It's hard to explain, but I feel like I have to do this to get a partner. My last real relationship was strained because he wanted sex more than I did, I liked cuddling with him, being naked in bed together, or showering together. But I...dreaded sex because it felt required, and sometimes he'd get visibly disappointed.
I'm relatively new to therapy. I've been seeing a new therapist for a few months now, and I haven't been sure if we are clicking or not. Then one day last session I gently but firmly pushed back stating I felt like he was accusing me of something that wasn't true. He blinked a few times and then started sniffling and getting misty eyed and eventually started wiping away tears and struggling to not have his voice crack/break.
The rest of the session (about 20 mins) was uncomfortable and I was trying to just nod along with what he was saying to make him feel like a good therapist. Of course I was still billed the full rate.
I understand therapists are people too, but would this be a reason to seek a new therapist? I obviously wouldn't state this as the reason, but maybe I should give it a few more sessions.
I [M41] have a feeling that anything regarding FTM men recently became quite controversial among gay men. Most of my gay friends wouldn't be open to encounters with them. Have you had a sexual experience with a FTM guy? Or would you be open to it?
Recently, I was forced by physical challenges to retire when I was neither psychologically nor financially ready to do so.
I still have a fully working mind, I can handle all the requirements of daily life including cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc., at worst I sometimes need a cane for a long walk and if I forget where I put my reading glasses my arms are no longer long enough to let me read without them. However, my career has shifted to include specializations my body is no longer capable of, and my boss admitted to me off the record that at my age I am considered by upper management to be too old to train for another position, not in an economy when people in their 20s and 30s are desperate enough for a job that they willingly work for the equivalent of a pittance of what I had earned when I first entered my career.
So I retire, able to live but certainly not as well as I would have had this unwelcomed retirement come five years down the line, and my friends are all immensely supportive and try to comfort me with claims they are jealous, and I've got my health so who am I to complain?, except, well, I have also have reddit, so I will complain a little and then heed the collective wisdom of this subreddit.
How does a person make peace with and even welcome the marginalization from society of retirement? How does a person accept that there are no years left for the American tradition of denial in the face of biological inevitabilities? Most importantly, where can I find positive role models of aging men in books, movies, TV, streaming services, etc.?
I looked up once artist interpretations of senior citizen versions of traditional American pop culture heroes -- Superman, Luke Skywalker, Captain Kirk, Ripley, Indiana Jones from before the latest movies, Mario, etc -- and all of them are depicted as decrepit and sad. One of them had Wonder Woman sitting there bleary-eyed, smoking a limp cigarette, surrounded by empty bottles and mess!
There's Peter Capaldi's Doctor, but even he seems attracted only to younger people. Aged Luke Skywalk existed only to prove young people should "forget the past: kill it if you have to!" which happened as the past galactic heroes died in ways brought on directly or indirectly by the actions of their unworthy replacements. Aged Indiana Jones mostly gets beaten up by the younger people who seem to resent that he hadn't died yet.
I looked online for representations of senior citizens, and most of what I found were clearly intended to guilt-trip young people into contacting dear old granddad before he dies dramatically in the final scene after saying, "Your single guilty visit to me after decades of neglect and isolation while I spent each one of those thousands of days staring emptily at my blank walls has made it all worth it, and so you can be proud of yourself!" and then leaves the proud teen or 20something hero everything in his will.
My family left this world younger than I am now, so I have no role models in my personal life on how to handle aging, and I was the oldest at my job so all I had was the experience of how to mentor younger men, though I doubt anything I have to teach applies in this benighted era now.
So, for the TL:DR crowd, "Accepting that I'm aging? How?"
Thank you.
Do y'all believe in giving a second chance after your partner betrayed you? It happened back in your early 20s, and now in your early 30s, that same ex wants to rekindle things.
If you've been through this, what did you decide?
I’m a wife who needs a reality check please. Married for 15 years. Have young kids. Years ago, found husband on a dating app again after we met there initially. Swore it was only because he was a bit lonely. Found Grindr on his phone a few years ago. Said it was because he wanted to see if his bro was on there (he wasn’t out but we strongly suspected he was gay - he’s out now and happily married!) He’s always been interested in back door action but also very into lady garden action. I wasn’t too taken with back door (sorry). Our sex life isn’t amazing due to young kids and trauma and also very different work schedules (I work shifts and he’s away a lot). A few months ago I found him with a locked WhatsApp chat. I wasn’t snooping on phone, just sitting beside me and he had to use his face to open it or something - anyway can’t remember how I noticed it. He’s always been super secretive about his phone, his passcode. Refuses to share his location with me (again just for kids picks ups etc) but used to share Google without realising and one night he went out and I saw him parked up a laneway with nothing else there. Rang him and he didn’t answer. Then this week I found a bag of condoms and sachets of lube in his car. And then did a bit of looking around our room and found a big bottle of animal lube hidden on top of our wardrobe.
I am completely heartbroken. I feel so betrayed and yet all I worry about is my kids. He’s a good dad. They’re so little. I can’t bear to rip the family apart. Is he gay?? Do marriages survive? I want a reality check. Help appreciated.
Is it just me or does anyone else find it hard to make gay friends or find a boyfriend once you're in your 30s? Throughout my 20's, everyone seemed open and friendly, but now, no one seems interested in making or adding new friends or dating. I'm in my mid 30s and have zero gay friends in my area (Central/Southwest Ohio). I've tried every friend/dating app I can think of and never had any luck. Most of the guys want sex and that's it. All the gay friends I've had have either moved away, cut ties once they got into a relationship, or keep me as an acquaintance and never allowing the friendship to truly flourish. I'm finding myself feeling very alone these days. I've tried a few gay meet up events, but unfortunately everyone there seemed to already know each other or was standoffish and judgmental, only wanting to talk/befriend people who was more attractive or fit. I've visited every gay bar in an 80 mile radius and experienced the same thing there. Am I doing something wrong? Could there be something about me that people don't like? I'm kind, giving, and thoughtful, always going out of my way for people. I take care of my health and would say I'm relatively attractive as a person. Any thoughts?
I am a 33 year old looking into getting into nursing. I've been doing IT as a Systems Administrator for the past few years and honestly I have grown tired of it. My grandmother recently passed and its made me realize recently how much I'd rather help people. Is it too late for me to try and become a nurse? I'm very outgoing and empathetic, at least I like to think so. I've worked with doctors and nurses before in a pediatrics company where I did IT. At 33, will I be able to be an effective nurse? How did you get into nursing and is there somewhere I can go to do some research on schools in my area? Or should I get a nursing science degree? I'm very confused.
As a man in my early 60s, I have seen this issue too many times to count. There is a toxic “bug” flying around between you and your partner that is quietly wrecking your relationship: The Telepathy Trap.
Most Men think that "If they loved me, they’d just know, or “Men don’t right-out share their feelings."
Here’s the hard truth guys: Telepathy never fuels successful Relationships.
When you don’t share your needs because you want your partner to "just get it," you aren't being agreeable — you're being unfair. You are handing them a rigged test that they will fail.
Why not try the "User Manual Shift”
Stop making them guess. Your partner wants to win with you, but they can’t play a game where the rules are hidden in your head.
Give them the "User Manual" to your head and actually your heart. It’s not high-maintenance to have needs; it’s high-maintenance to expect someone to be a mind-reader and perform accordingly. Guys, I know this is a shift in how you deal with problems, but when you open up, even a little you create a safe-space for you and your partner to thrive, not just survive.
Peace & Calm.
I’m not that familiar with reddit but he was always on it. He sent me a screenshot of something from this page. The username in the comments was the exact same username he uses for instagram. I looked up it up and found posts, mostly comments about our relationship. They shared a common theme, he’s fed up with me, our sex life, I’ve changed, he isn’t sexually attracted to me. I’m a miserable person, exhausting and difficult to be around. Always picking fights. I don’t talk to him unless it’s about the kids. He wants out but is waiting until our kids are older.
I’m shocked by what I have read. I don’t recognize the person he’s talking about. There are some traits I recognize in him. I ask him about his day, don’t get much back but I always do. I tell him I love him and I mean it. I have been trying to plan date nights but he isn’t interested. I check in with him but he’s never outwardly complained. I initiate sex but get rejected. It’s not all wrong what he wrote. For some time now our relationship has been on a downward spiral. It’s been 5 months since we last had sex. Since New Year’s Eve to be exact, only because we were drunk and my parents had our kids. We have twins under 5.
Do I ask him to be honest with me about his feelings? Do I screenshot everything and share what I have found? Do I accept that our relationship is beyond recovery? What do I do?
I’ve met 2 lovely guys on GROWLR. They’re bears and so am I. They’re a married couple and I’m married to a woman in an open marriage, she won’t be joining of course.
We chatted about precautions. All of us are on prep and condoms for anal for me.
I’m vers. Have only bottomed twice. Love it, but I need some working out. The couple are a top and bottom. So I’ll be fucking and getting fucked.
Any advice? I’m nervous too, a bit intimidated by their experience and my lack of it. I won’t drink or do drugs before it. Want to go in sober and protect my boundaries. But I’m worried if it gets hot and heavy I’ll let them slip.
Any other precautions I should take? Any ground rules we should look at?
I’ve had a twin bed for the past maybe 10 years. At first it was mostly a space constraint thing, but over time I’ve found that I like having the smaller footprint. I use it as a couch when I’m not sleeping, and all the pillows make it feel cozy. When i’ve slept in bigger beds at hotels it always feel like way too much space for me.
I’ve never been big on bringing people over, I’ll usually go to their place to hook up. I’ve also been living with my parents the past 3 years so sex at the house has been a no-go anyways.
I’m in the process of moving out of my parent’s in a new city and will have to get rid of a lot of my current set up so I kind of have a blank slate. I will have to get a new bed, and it’s had me thinking should I “grow up” and get a bigger bed? Do guys even care if they’re just there to hook up? Is it weird for a guy in his 30s to sleep in a Twin bed?
My sheets are nice and it’s not like i’m sleeping in a race car bed. Twin frames and mattresses are usually cheaper also, so there’s some cost savings associated with it. I could probably squeeze another person in the bed but it’d be snug.
idk, what do y’all think?
TLDR: I am 35 and have never been in a real relationship. It's not because I am unattractive or live in Timbuktu, but I've realized that I didn’t allow it. I think I am on the path to correct this and I'm looking for encouraging stories and helpful strategies from men with similar experiences.
I had a boyfriend when I was in college for a semester; we agreed to exclusivity. We broke up because he moved away. I later found out that I was one of many during our short 'relationship.' It absolutely destroyed me and I didn’t have the tools to cope.
I now understand that I grew up in a household where shame was used as a tool for control and love was implicitly conditional. I had abandonment issues during childhood and crippling anxiety that I only started to get under control in the last couple of years. As a kid and really until my mid 20s, I emulated my narcissistic parent so I had an extremely hard time making friends and built up a strong narrative that I am unlikable.
This all translated into a fear of rejection that caused me to avoid emotional intimacy. I went on a lot of dates; nothing ever materialized. I realize now that scrolling through dating apps as a way to cope and I have wasted a lot of time doing it. I also didn’t make an effort to make friends. I am an introvert but I think I got so used to be alone that I didn’t feel loneliness (a fish doesn't know it's wet).
Something clicked a few years ago. I spent a lot of time with a friend who was going through some relationship issues and processing his own internal narratives. I was there for him; he was there for me as I woke up to mine. He stayed at my house a lot. It was so nice. It felt so good… to have someone physically there and to have someone who I really saw and made me feel seen.
I've done a lot of work over the last year to learn how to feel my feelings, understand my story deeply, and take action to overcome my fear of rejection. I set goals for myself to lean into my fear (e.g. approach at least 3 attractive guys, have a good chat, and hopefully get their number AND intentionally made an effort to connect with new/old friends and I've made some really strong connections).
I recently met someone and we connected really quickly. I was relatively open about my life, but didn’t share all that much, and yet he still was shocked about how I was treated by my family. He said it made total sense why my relationship experience was delayed. This was validating that I'm not inherently broken. I just have some healing to do.
I really have come far. I have stronger friendships. I allow myself to feel. I have gone back to people I hurt in my past and apologized. I understand that I am in full control of creating my future. I am starting to actually believe I am loveable. But the grief for lost time and the surfacing loneliness is incredibly intense.
I truly believe I can be a good partner now. I am really focusing on who I need to show up as. I know what I want: someone who take accountability for their life, feels their feelings, communicates, wants to partner with me to make life better for others, craves adventure, thinks I'm funny, and will allow me to paint the house green.
I fear being judged immediately for my lack of experience; I've had guys scoff and treat me like a red flag. I fear that the dating pool is dwindling. But I'm going to just focus on consistency, showing up authentically, making my interest obvious, and keep things fun. I'm planning on moving to a new, larger city to get a fresh start.
As anyone else had a late start and ended up happily ever after?
ai generated tldr: been dating a guy for six months. i don’t feel chosen in some contexts. i have anxious attachment and a lifelong pattern of ghosting and drifting instead of having hard conversations. realized that the “let’s end this” conversation i was planning would be the first time i’ve ever indicated anything is wrong. now i don’t know if i should have the honest “here’s what i need, can you meet me” conversation first, or if i’ve already checked out and i’m just looking for permission to leave. can’t tell if staying and trying is brave or if it’s just my anxiety keeping the door open. never done this before. trying to be better.
———
hey gaybros,
bear with me because there’s a lot to unpack and i’m still figuring it out
i’ve (39) been dating a guy (31) for about six months. i genuinely care about him. but i’ve realized recently that i don’t feel chosen. and i’ve been sitting with that feeling for a while now, hoping it would shift, and it hasn’t.
some context. we both have walls up and neither of us has been willing to bring them down. the dynamic between us is inconsistent, good maybe 50% of the time and distant the other 50%. there are real external circumstances working against us too, such as a visa situation, job uncertainty which are things i’ve never held against him. but even all of that, i still don’t feel like a priority. i still feel like i’m on the edges of his life rather than in the middle of it. some of that is also on me. i sometimes take a “oh he’s hanging with friend” as “he doesn’t like me”. being chosen in my head is like him thinking “he knows my friends. i should invite him bc i also want to spend time w him”
here’s where i think it gets complicated.
i have anxious attachment. i also have this pattern, and i’m only recently starting to name and notice it clearly: i’d just leave when things get hard. ie, moving on before anything gets too real. i’ve done it my whole life. when things got tough in friendships, in relationships, even geographically, i would rather just disappear than stay and have the uncomfortable conversation about what i need.
and i’ve realized that if i have the conversation i’ve been planning to have with him, it would be the first time i’ve ever actually told him anything is wrong. first time id say what i need. and the conversation i was initially planning was the ending conversation. which means the first time i indicate anything is wrong would also be the last conversation we have.
that doesn’t feel right. it doesn’t feel fair to him. and honestly it doesn’t feel fair to me either (acknowledging anxiety attachment here)
so now i’m sitting with this question that i can’t seem to answer on my own.
do i have the honest conversation first, the one where i actually say what i need, where i tell him i’ve felt unseen and unchosen and that i need more vulnerability and more certainty, and then see if he can actually meet me there? or have i already emotionally checked out and i’m just looking for permission to leave? is staying and trying the brave thing or is it just my anxious attachment keeping the door open because it’s terrified of loss?
when i imagine the conversation going well, when i imagine him actually showing up, i want that. i genuinely want that. but when i’m honest with myself about what i expect to happen, i expect him to fail. and i don’t know if that expectation is fear or pattern recognition. mind you. there is no pattern for (something’s wrong) -> he’ll do something because i’ve done so much anxious attachment bs, i’ve never indicated there’s anything wrong. i’m trying to be the amicable boy.
i’ve always found ways to hide vulnerability enough to say what i actually need and risk being told no. this is new territory for me and i’m trying to do it right but i genuinely don’t know what right looks like here.
has anyone been here before? the place where you can’t tell if you’re being brave by staying and working on things (in my case, i’ve never done a convo where i tell him a need and see if he can match) or brave by leaving (because he hasn’t shown up, albeit in a relationship where i’ve never indicated anything’s wrong)? what did you do? what do you wish you’d done differently? and maybe most importantly, what should i watch out for in myself?
thanks in advance.
please be gentle, don’t tell me i’m/he’s wrong. ask for more context if you need it. trying my best to be better and show up more honestly 🥲
Always wanted to go but never been, so planning to head there next month for 2-3 days solo as it’s only next door
Into checking out pubs, parties, talking to new people, exploring etc. Not massively into drag or pop music however (prefer electronic). Any advice for the ideal time to go and what to do there?
Cheers
Impaired vision? Basically last year I got into a motorcycle accident, the impact damaged permanently (despite 3 surgeries) my left eye. The doctor said “ you’ll need to use it as supporting eye…. Let’s say my eye works at 60% but on in own I can’t see nothing.
I can do almost everything including cooking, manual activities, fitness ecc. The limitations I have are can’t drive for obvious reasons, I need you to walk on my right side or will struggle seeing you, when it comes to reading and writing I need to keep my left eye closed or everything would look blurry so I am really slow at reading and writing. Excessive light give me headache, natural or artificial. If I do starting getting headache I’ll need shades or change location, or place in general. Clubs or similar are ok as all blend together (can’t really explain the feeling and how I see things). Would those issues be a dealbreaker for you?
Ah when we walk together you’ll need to help me avoiding bumping into stuff 😂
Thanks all 🙏🏻
We all know the biggest cumdumps and cumdumpers have alternate profiles where they act like they 're not into that lifestyle but they be posting a cumdump session the minute you arrange a hookup and unbeknownst to you, you end up joining a line up.
I'm here for the sexual revolution, I respect the achievement of taking or attending a double digit cumdumping. But it just grosses me out because it's like everyone is everyone 's 'Eskimo brother' now.
And I've had it with greedy gays, why do you need to break your load record. What ever happened. I feel like 5 loads is plenty for one Sunday afternoon. Grumpy old man rant over. Does it irk anyone else?
I've read different views saying it means you two are compatible with each other to it just being sexually compatible. It's happened a couple times to me where just their scent, pheromones, something like that just drives me crazy.
Does it mean more than just a simple turn on?
So this is a little vulnerable for me to share but it's been on my mind. In my 20s and 30s I had erection performance issues on and off, lots of insecurity around sex, and I avoided topping mostly because I was afraid of losing my erection. Now I'm in my early 40s and haven't drank alcohol for years, I'm in the best shape I've ever been, I sleep really well, etc - all the typical things you do to improve your sex life. I've worked on my issues from a psychological and physical side, upped my testosterone levels, cut back on porn/masturbating (I think that was a huge issue for me - reduced my sensitivity to IRL encounters), and had great results from cialis prescriptions.
I'm having way more sex in my 40s and for the most part it's amazing... but there's still now or then when I have trouble getting hard or I lose my erection during sex and can't get it back (despite cialis). I know state of mind has a big impact on our performance and it's important to not put pressure on ourselves or create more anxiety, sure. But I've been with a lot of guys in my life - I'd say at least several hundreds - and literally not one of them has ever had an erection problem with me. (I don't flatter myself that it's because I'm too hot, I wish!) I'm also always the one to take longer to get hard, usually a few minutes at least, while the other guy is always ready to go the instant we make contact.
I admit I envy guys who never have to think about this. I think I've learned enough to just have to accept that I still don't totally understand how my erections work and that's life!