u/dinglehopper-

ai generated tldr: been dating a guy for six months. i don’t feel chosen in some contexts. i have anxious attachment and a lifelong pattern of ghosting and drifting instead of having hard conversations. realized that the “let’s end this” conversation i was planning would be the first time i’ve ever indicated anything is wrong. now i don’t know if i should have the honest “here’s what i need, can you meet me” conversation first, or if i’ve already checked out and i’m just looking for permission to leave. can’t tell if staying and trying is brave or if it’s just my anxiety keeping the door open. never done this before. trying to be better.

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hey gaybros,

bear with me because there’s a lot to unpack and i’m still figuring it out

i’ve (39) been dating a guy (31) for about six months. i genuinely care about him. but i’ve realized recently that i don’t feel chosen. and i’ve been sitting with that feeling for a while now, hoping it would shift, and it hasn’t.

some context. we both have walls up and neither of us has been willing to bring them down. the dynamic between us is inconsistent, good maybe 50% of the time and distant the other 50%. there are real external circumstances working against us too, such as a visa situation, job uncertainty which are things i’ve never held against him. but even all of that, i still don’t feel like a priority. i still feel like i’m on the edges of his life rather than in the middle of it. some of that is also on me. i sometimes take a “oh he’s hanging with friend” as “he doesn’t like me”. being chosen in my head is like him thinking “he knows my friends. i should invite him bc i also want to spend time w him”

here’s where i think it gets complicated.

i have anxious attachment. i also have this pattern, and i’m only recently starting to name and notice it clearly: i’d just leave when things get hard. ie, moving on before anything gets too real. i’ve done it my whole life. when things got tough in friendships, in relationships, even geographically, i would rather just disappear than stay and have the uncomfortable conversation about what i need.

and i’ve realized that if i have the conversation i’ve been planning to have with him, it would be the first time i’ve ever actually told him anything is wrong. first time id say what i need. and the conversation i was initially planning was the ending conversation. which means the first time i indicate anything is wrong would also be the last conversation we have.

that doesn’t feel right. it doesn’t feel fair to him. and honestly it doesn’t feel fair to me either (acknowledging anxiety attachment here)

so now i’m sitting with this question that i can’t seem to answer on my own.

do i have the honest conversation first, the one where i actually say what i need, where i tell him i’ve felt unseen and unchosen and that i need more vulnerability and more certainty, and then see if he can actually meet me there? or have i already emotionally checked out and i’m just looking for permission to leave? is staying and trying the brave thing or is it just my anxious attachment keeping the door open because it’s terrified of loss?

when i imagine the conversation going well, when i imagine him actually showing up, i want that. i genuinely want that. but when i’m honest with myself about what i expect to happen, i expect him to fail. and i don’t know if that expectation is fear or pattern recognition. mind you. there is no pattern for (something’s wrong) -> he’ll do something because i’ve done so much anxious attachment bs, i’ve never indicated there’s anything wrong. i’m trying to be the amicable boy.

i’ve always found ways to hide vulnerability enough to say what i actually need and risk being told no. this is new territory for me and i’m trying to do it right but i genuinely don’t know what right looks like here.

has anyone been here before? the place where you can’t tell if you’re being brave by staying and working on things (in my case, i’ve never done a convo where i tell him a need and see if he can match) or brave by leaving (because he hasn’t shown up, albeit in a relationship where i’ve never indicated anything’s wrong)? what did you do? what do you wish you’d done differently? and maybe most importantly, what should i watch out for in myself?

thanks in advance.

please be gentle, don’t tell me i’m/he’s wrong. ask for more context if you need it. trying my best to be better and show up more honestly 🥲