Mid 30s, Waking up, Turning a Page
TLDR: I am 35 and have never been in a real relationship. It's not because I am unattractive or live in Timbuktu, but I've realized that I didn’t allow it. I think I am on the path to correct this and I'm looking for encouraging stories and helpful strategies from men with similar experiences.
I had a boyfriend when I was in college for a semester; we agreed to exclusivity. We broke up because he moved away. I later found out that I was one of many during our short 'relationship.' It absolutely destroyed me and I didn’t have the tools to cope.
I now understand that I grew up in a household where shame was used as a tool for control and love was implicitly conditional. I had abandonment issues during childhood and crippling anxiety that I only started to get under control in the last couple of years. As a kid and really until my mid 20s, I emulated my narcissistic parent so I had an extremely hard time making friends and built up a strong narrative that I am unlikable.
This all translated into a fear of rejection that caused me to avoid emotional intimacy. I went on a lot of dates; nothing ever materialized. I realize now that scrolling through dating apps as a way to cope and I have wasted a lot of time doing it. I also didn’t make an effort to make friends. I am an introvert but I think I got so used to be alone that I didn’t feel loneliness (a fish doesn't know it's wet).
Something clicked a few years ago. I spent a lot of time with a friend who was going through some relationship issues and processing his own internal narratives. I was there for him; he was there for me as I woke up to mine. He stayed at my house a lot. It was so nice. It felt so good… to have someone physically there and to have someone who I really saw and made me feel seen.
I've done a lot of work over the last year to learn how to feel my feelings, understand my story deeply, and take action to overcome my fear of rejection. I set goals for myself to lean into my fear (e.g. approach at least 3 attractive guys, have a good chat, and hopefully get their number AND intentionally made an effort to connect with new/old friends and I've made some really strong connections).
I recently met someone and we connected really quickly. I was relatively open about my life, but didn’t share all that much, and yet he still was shocked about how I was treated by my family. He said it made total sense why my relationship experience was delayed. This was validating that I'm not inherently broken. I just have some healing to do.
I really have come far. I have stronger friendships. I allow myself to feel. I have gone back to people I hurt in my past and apologized. I understand that I am in full control of creating my future. I am starting to actually believe I am loveable. But the grief for lost time and the surfacing loneliness is incredibly intense.
I truly believe I can be a good partner now. I am really focusing on who I need to show up as. I know what I want: someone who take accountability for their life, feels their feelings, communicates, wants to partner with me to make life better for others, craves adventure, thinks I'm funny, and will allow me to paint the house green.
I fear being judged immediately for my lack of experience; I've had guys scoff and treat me like a red flag. I fear that the dating pool is dwindling. But I'm going to just focus on consistency, showing up authentically, making my interest obvious, and keep things fun. I'm planning on moving to a new, larger city to get a fresh start.
As anyone else had a late start and ended up happily ever after?