r/AgingParents

My mother-in-law needs to be wearing a diaper, but she has a thing about it. I don’t know if something happened in her childhood, but she really really really opposes the idea of going in her pants.

Right now, she is in skilled nursing facility, so we can’t even get her a nice little absorbent panties or anything like that. Occasionally, she asks for help to get to the bedside commode, but she’s basically bed ridden. As a result, she holds it way too long and then we end up getting text messages at four in the morning asking us to take her to the loo, even though we are at home and cannot help her.

She needs to be wearing a diaper, but I don’t like using that word with her because it makes her cringe. Same with incontinence pants.

Is there a gentle way to talk about this? Logic doesn’t seem to be working, and I think the word “diaper“ is part of the problem.

I called my 84-year-old father on his birthday this past week. Sometimes we can get into disgreements, so I kept it light and pleasant. Nevertheless, within a 30 min. conversation he:

• Said that my children are "unnecessary"
• Mocked our family's faith
• Derided my husbands's doctoral program
• Treated me like an idiot as usual

He's a frustrated and unhappy man who has lived without purpose for many years. Even when we lived in the same city, we only saw him every 4-6 months. He is too busy going to bars and hitting on 20-something bartenders to spend time with my children.

In his younger life he struggled professionally and failed to fulfill his potential. He still complains about things his mother and father did or didn't do for him. For a long time I believed his explanation of events, that all this stuff "happened" to him, derailed his life, and that it was out of his control why he was unhappy and unfulfilled.

Now, I can see that his negative and small-minded outlook has been the reason for his suffering. It hasn't gotten better in old age. Instead of taking pride in being a grandfather, he calls his grandchildren's lives "unnecessary". Instead of accepting his aging and seeking enjoyment in hobbies, he pines after college-aged bartenders.

This isn't unique to him, either. When my husband and I look at our parents, we see people who are depressed, frustrated, and drinking excessively. They don't have hobbies, they don't exercise. They are so negative, speaking with only anger and regret about the past. They don't seem to understand the importance of using the time they have left on uplifting and lasting activities, one of the most important of which is spending time with their grandchildren.

I remember my own grandmother being gentle and wise, keeping busy with daily walks and swimming and playing bridge with friends. She drank iced coffee instead of wine. She went to church every week and had a social circle there. She made time for her grandchildren instead of avoiding them. She understood and accepted her role as matriarch instead of bitterly wishing to be 30 again.

What happened to the happy and wise elders? Does anyone have them in their lives anymore?

my mom just had a stroke and i(M) take care of her. I take her out to eat because i dont want her feeling cooped up at home. My only issue is when she needs to use the restroom. she has limited mobility and needs help since the stroke affected her vision. Do you think its okay if i take her to ladies restroom but before going in letting anybody inside im coming in with her to help her with the restroom?

vent ish

Hi i am not sure what to do and i am really worried about my mom. I have tried searching up this issue and apparently its common with *older* women (like 50 to 70 at least, but my mom has already started with this. It has happened mors than 5 times already within the last 12 month and it has been really concerning me.

I don't know how to support her and all I try to do is just be there for her when she does go through it. Usually she just brushes it off and tries not to make a big deal out of it but today she broke and cried. I tried asking her what was wrong and asked if i could help her, and she said she was fine – she clearly wasn't. She was in the bathroom though so I couldn't really come in

I don't know what to do. And this has made me realize how fast my mom is aging which worries me. It's too soon and I don't want this issue worsening or her being troubled more.

I will try recommending her to go have it checked already with a doctor. She is uncomfortable with having those kinds of checkups so she really hasn't tried to before.

TL:DR: rant concerned for my mom undergoing constinence at such an early age

my mum is in her mid 60s and working part time same with my dad who is a few years older. they have no retirement plan and live in a house they paid down payment and mortgage on but loan in my name as they couldnt borrow. this has not insignificantly impacted me for obvious reasons over the last decade ie my own borrowing and making sure the were on the straight and narrow and paying the house down as I’m on the hook ultimately. i have had a good career so have managed to do ok myself but it’s a demanding job. their initial plan was to pay it off but it’s become clear they won’t.

out of no where six months ago , my mother decided she’s will only work for 1-2 more years and wants to retire in a lower cost cost location being a region near where she is originally from. this is overseas from where we currently live

the money to do so will come from selling this house which has increased a lot in value. she plans to take all of the proceeds minus paying bank out for mortgage. parents don’t get along well so I don’t know how they’d go after they are gone on their own in new place and if mother plans to secretly leave on her own.

i have no idea if they will blow all their money if this comes to fruition as they have not been good with money in the past. much work and hard conversations have been had in the last decade to be able to even be in this position ie have equity in the house

mother has highlighted that lower cost and higher quality of life is a major objective including eating out and travelling in moderation

no investigation trip to this region has been done

i am trying to be as supportive as I can but frankly privately seething as this is once again something she’s sprung on me with f all notice just like when I got three months to help them buy this house a decade ago.

I am also seething and concerned that she will blow all the money after the work I’ve put in to make sure that this house can help them retire is with the equity once sold wherever they retire

she also made a comment to me that the money should all go to her not dad and she will distribute as she sees it as her entitlement. since mentioning she’s acting like she didn’t say it. she’s not told my dad or brother

I can’t believe she Is putting me in this F position after all Of the above

would love your thoughts and needed this off my f chest

edit: i have worked since i was 15 part time and then several jobs at uni and then full time non stop no breaks ever since graduating. every job I’ve taken has been focused on getting more money and I’ve not once complained. frankly my money and working has seen myself and them through. but for this house they wouldn’t be in a position to rent in this day and age. I get alot of grief for having to have the a hole hard convos and keep everyone in line. I’m not sorry for it either because there’s not a lot of wriggle room for error. I’m tired of being the bad guy and whilst I totally understand aging parents wanting to retire and needing to, I can’t condone doing it so quickly and chasing a higher quality of leisure at great risk. Mother has only worked PT for the last few years and at times whilst I was in junior high / high school.

My (44F) mother (72) had major heart surgery seven months ago. She didn’t want to give up her independence and insisted on staying in her home 2,500 miles away from my sister and me. We stayed with her following the surgery to make sure she was ready to be alone again, and once she felt she was on good footing on her own, we returned to our homes, families, and jobs. She had an overnight hospital stay over New Years and they adjusted her pacemaker, but we otherwise thought she was doing well. She even completed her cardiac rehabilitation.

We got word from her neighbor last night that she is back in the hospital. Turns out she has not been taking her diabetes medication and removed her glucose monitor a week ago and didn’t replace it. She said she forgot. Her blood sugar was 1,300 when she was admitted last night. The hospital got it under control and it was back down to 145 this evening, and she’ll be fine, but it basically means that she cannot live alone anymore, and she agrees. I’m headed to her place in a couple of days to pack her up and move her across country to live with me as soon as her doctors clear her for travel. Luckily, my sister and I will be “sharing custody” of Mom, so she’ll live with me in the summers and my sister in the winters. My sister can’t have pets, so the animals will live with me year round.

I’m divorced, work from home, my 3 adult children (19, 20, 21) still live with me, and I have two big dogs and a cat. I have a large enough house that everyone is able to have their own room, but it’s already full and constantly busy. Adding my mother, her big dog (Rottweiler) and her two cats to the mix, means we are going to be busting at the seams.

My mother and I get along well enough, but I had a difficult childhood and have had to overcome what I consider to be an abusive childhood from multiple fronts, including a few times at her hand. There has always been a strained undercurrent in our interactions since I’ve been an adult. She did not like my ex-husband and chose to be absent in my and my kids lives rather than deal with him. Then 9 years ago, she moved to the other side of the country. I’ve only seen her a few times since then.

I’m feeling really overwhelmed by what my life is going to look like going forward. I could really use some encouragement and advice from my peers that have gone through something similar? I don’t know how to handle all of this.

TLDR: Just discovered Dad is bleeding money to a mix of fraud and bad choices. Where do I start?

Just helped 85-year-old dad moved to assisted living. He has experienced sudden vision loss and cognitive decline, and I just got access to his credit card account. What a mess! He's paying thousands of dollars a month -- political contributions, subscriptions he doesn't use, fraud/scams--I'm just starting to figure it out.

Good news: Dad will be cooperative and is grateful for the help. Bad news: I'm overwhelmed and have no idea where to start. Dad doesn't remember any of his passwords, including for his email address. For the non-fraud expenses, he doesn't get paper statements so the only reason we know they exist is his credit card bill.

Where do I start? I am tempted to close out the credit card accounts, which will stop the immediate payments but could trigger other consequences. Then start calling these places. But without username and passwords, how do I gain access? Any advice welcome, please be specific. Thanks.

My mom's husband (not my dad) died in early January. They had been living in his home, and it was not left to her, so she needed to move. The home situation was not a surprise. They kept their finances separate, and he left it to his kids. I found her a house to buy walking distance from mine. She's in her 80s and she doesn't have good mobility, so I'm very glad she's close now. She doesn't drive, and she isn't good at navigating the world on her own. She's not tech savvy. So I feel like I've been managing my own life, plus another adult life. From managing the purchase of the house, inspections, realtor, etc, to getting utilities setup, buying and assembling furniture, getting her taxes done, hiring contractors, taking her to the doctor and grocery shopping... It feels never ending.

She's mostly settled in now, and she keeps talking about volunteering at the local elementary school. I think this is a terrible idea. She was a grade school teacher, but that was 40 years ago. She's a typical boomer who says casually racist things with some regularity. She uses a walker and has a hard time sitting very long in uncomfortable chairs. She's very frail. The school is walking distance from her house, but I worry about her trying to walk over there in bad weather. I work full time, so I can't always drive her. My brother says I should let her try and they will probably just turn down her application or ask her to stop volunteering after she says some racist comment to a kid. I wonder if I am stressing out about this too much. I obviously can't control her whole life, but I hate to see her getting in a situation that is too much for her. I know she will feel upset if she is rejected or fired from volunteering.

Background: My 79 year old mother had two strokes in 2023 that led to a diagnosis of probable cerebral amyloid angiopathy. Following the first stroke, we moved her into assisted living as the impact to her cognitive ability raised concern about her living alone.

I live out of state but my sibling and aunt (her sister) live near her. I have another sibling who also lives out of state. I try to go down about once a month to once every other month.

Her cognitive decline has increased over the past year. She can barely use technology (including the tv and remote), and has forgotten to do many basic functions on her iPad. The assisted living does not help out with these matters - if additional support is needed, we could hire someone to come in and help her.

My brother recently also had a stroke and has been diagnosed with metastatic melanoma (for which he is receiving treatment). Before this, he was going to see her and help her as needed about once a week, but this has obviously stopped since the stroke. My aunt has also started visiting my mom weekly but I don’t want this responsibility to fall to her as she has been the caretaker for many people in our family.

My issues/questions:

1. My sister is frustrated that with what we are paying for assisted living (~6500 a month) that she can’t get more support with these small issues. I’m curious what others’ experience has been with this. Because her cost of living there is so high, hiring someone else to visit her weekly at $125+ an hour feels prohibitive. I also know my mom and she would completely underutilize this person.

2. I am finding managing things from afar to be too difficult and am considering moving my mom into an assisted living where I am located. I would consider a move to her state but my husband’s job makes it prohibitive. I’d also consider moving her in with us but we live on a third floor walk up and would have to move to accommodate her mobility needs (not out of the question but won’t happen soon). I’ve heard moving people with dementia can push them into further decline and am concerned about this but also don’t think managing her needs from afar couple of states away is sustainable.

Welcome any and all experiences and advice.

Like a lot of you here, I'm really struggling. My parents were very "we have great insurance and a Long-Term Care plan" for decades and wouldn't share the details. Now that my dad cannot care for himself, it seems like they overstated their planning.

My dad is 90 y/o and has Parkinson's disease. His gait has gotten progressively worse over the last couple of months, leading to several falls and spinal fractures. After the most recent fall, he's lost his ability to transfer i.e. bed to sitting up, sitting up to standing, standing to sitting, without almost total assistance. He lives with my mother, who is independent herself, but can't lift him or help him up due to a stroke. She isn't comfortable taking care of him at home.

We tried to get placement in a skilled nursing facility, but his insurance denied him because he "doesn't have any medical needs." My dad wants to go home with 24/7 care but that isn't in their budget. He would be willing to go to a facility, and that's my mom's preference. His insurance approved Home Health, but I suspect they will only stop by for a few hours a day. They have long-term insurance that will cover 6 hours a day of a home health aid, but that probably still leaves 16 hours a day where he's just sort of stuck in bed with his incontinence. They have Medicare Advantage. I'm looking at changing them over to traditional Medicare and maybe adding a Medigap plan that would cover skilled nursing, but I don't really understand how those interact. His insurance company is horrible to deal with, and I'm struggling to find a good resource to help point me in the right direction. Has anyone dealt with this successfully?

They were scammed into signing 3 timeshare contracts. It seems at one point they tried to exit but were denied by the timeshare company, so owe $60k and can't pay. They trusted "friends" (barely acquaintances) that told them "just don't pay" and their credit tanked and collection companies now call 5-10 times a day. My dad (w/dementia)wont give up his phone or change his contact info. He gave a couple of them $9K each plus their checking account number. The bank even red flagged the transactions but of course talked to my dad and got approval, (he has very limited ability to comprehend). He doesn't even remember doing it or who collected the payments.

Im POA, DPOA, beneficiary and successor. Not authorized user on their bank accounts. How can I help them? I feel completely hopeless. Even bigger issues. My parents refuse any help for caregiving, financial, medical support with no plan, low income, or very little savings for expenses, medical costs, AL or funeral. They refuse to give up driving and are unfit physically and cognitively. They have serious medical conditions along with dementia. Dad dementia has made him a very angry, agitated bully. Mom is powerless against his controlling, demanding ways. I can't seem to get help from APS because they showtime when case workers do an emergency visit. I'm the only child. I live in another state 1/2 way across the country. Am I the worst daughter in the world for not knowing about all this, and for not being the "bad guy" and pushing my way in...and not even knowing how to step in and manage it all? Ive never been in these situations personally. I just want to make their problems go away. Im afraid for them. It's devastating for me to see it. Im sorry readers for the giant rave here.

Father, 79 has ability to take care of himself but leaves it to my mom, 80 to clean and feed him. She also has health problems and caretaking has taken its toll on her. He is more incapable the more he drinks. The alcohol also makes dealing with his autoimmune disease more difficult. He wears diapers but not as indicated, leaving unsanitary messes in their home.

So I am wondering, what are good next steps when they have exhausted home nurse insurance benefit and paid caretakers say they cannot clean or help my mother when there is unsanitary conditions.

They both want to stay at home. Help.

What would you do? Only child and in a wheelchair full time. I have told my remaining parent that I cannot care for them. It is not getting in their head. Said parent relies upon me for phone help, advice, health management services, etc. I am able to do some things but am angry. I have been to the attorney to get POA they refuse. I have tried to get them to understand my help is limited due to my own limitations. They make me feel bad constantly and I am pissed off. Today for example

“She gets mad when I ask her to do things”

I love my parent so don’t say I don’t. I am not putting myself in the grave to do this. When you have a progressive disease is it fair that my parent isn’t figuring out how to help themselves?

I am beyond livid. My parents (mid-60s and late-70s) are the sole caregivers for my 90-year-old grandfather. He’s in his 90s, barely sleeps, and has become increasingly vindictive and difficult to manage. My parents are physically failing. They are exhausted, their own health is tanking, and they are at a breaking point.

The kicker? My parents spent the last 20+ years taking over every family responsibility to ensure this sibling’s life was secure. They stepped up so their sibling didn't have to. They carried the weight and did the heavy lifting so everyone else could have stability. And now, 20 years later, here we are. When my parents finally need the favor returned because they are physically breaking, they are met with nothing but excuses and gaslighting.

I finally confronted the sibling point-blank over whatsapp. I told them my parents can’t do this anymore and we need physical help.

The response? Pure arrogance. They sent a long-winded "poor me" message about how "hurt" they are that I’d suggest they aren't concerned. They blame "operational flights" and "circumstances" for why they can't take him, yet in the same breath say they’ll "look for a attendant/maid reference" because apparently, the elders "don't want anyone in the house." Do note that I'm in a different geo. So, seniority homes are out of discussion.

I point-blank asked for physical help because my parents' own health is failing under the pressure. I got a response so arrogant and dismissive I can’t even put it into words. Because my grandfather doesn’t ask them for help, they act like it’s not their problem. They are literally ignoring their physical decline....the same sibling who secured their life for +20 years....because they are waiting for a "request" from a 90-year-old who is no longer rational. they are ready to throw money so that my parents can continue housekeeping this 90 year old. they don't want to even take the effort of coordinating with the senior care services companies.

So, my parents are expected to sacrifice the last of their healthy years and their physical safety because this sibling is "hurt" and too "arrogant" to step up. They are literally watching my parents drown and are standing on the shore complaining about the "tone" of my request. I’m done being "polite." My parents' lives matter more than these excuses.

Fuck them all.

Hello, this is my first time posting, and I've appreciated learning from you all. I have a lot of concerns but thought I would start first with meals.

TLDR: How do you make sure your parents who live alone are eating well? Does anyone have recommendations for meal delivery services or helpful routines for meal prep?

A quick overview for context: My mother is 83 and living alone for the first time in her life in the house she shared with my stepfather, who passed away in late 2024 from advanced Alzheimers. Then her sister, who she was very close to and her only sibling, passed away in late 2025. On top of that, she already had macular degeneration in one eye and it recently spread to the other eye and now she's having a lot of trouble with her vision and cannot drive. She still does have some vision but can't read easily, etc. She also had a bad fall right after my stepfather died, and can be pretty unsteady on her feet.

I go and help her with paperwork and take her shopping and get her out of the house several times a week. She does have some friends in the area and a few activities she attends each week so is able to get some help and get out a few times a week apart from me.

We are looking into assisted living (and she is starting to get on board with it), but it will take a while for us to get to that point since there's a house to sell in order to finance it, and in the meantime she needs to eat.

She is capable of cooking but doesn't have a lot of interest in cooking meals for herself. Understandably, she is depressed about everything that has happened the past few years. And although I feel guilty for not moving in with her or doing even more, I live about 40 minutes away and have my own home to maintain and things I'm involved in, and I think it would be a bad idea to do that for a variety of reasons.

I've been agonizing about what to do about the food situation since she doesn't seem to care much about eating unless we go out to eat, and then she has a good appetite. So most days when I visit we go out for one meal, but I know at home she mostly eats muffins for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch and as for dinner, I'm not always sure. Last week when we were shopping I got her to buy a rotisserie chicken and frozen vegetables and some other food that she can quickly heat up in the microwave.

I've thought if I were a better daughter (!) I would be making and packing meals for her every week but I haven't been able to motivate myself to do that. I have looked into a bunch of meal delivery services, but they often get bad reviews. And even if we ordered something like that, I'm not sure how she would get them in the house so I would probably need to have them delivered to my house and then I could bring them to her, which is an option. I recently suggested to her that on one of the days I come, we could shop and I could cook/prep meals for her for the week at her house.

Does any one have suggestions for what to do to make sure your parents are eating well if you are not living with them?

She is in her early 70s and is a snowbird living 6 months near me and 6 months in the SW area of the US. My first concern came earlier this year when she reached out and asked why I hadn’t paid the mortgage on my house. I rent from her and have never paid the mortgage directly.

When she got back I reached out but I was very alarmed because her texts seemed different but upon talking to her over the phone she seemed like her regular self, but tired.

I’m helping her with her internet and TV and she said she signed up for phone, tv, internet. So I went in with her recently to find that was not the case. We did add cable because it is much easier for her to access her streaming services and local channels all in one box. I’m wondering if she signed up for the services back in the other state? But then she didn’t pay that bill the last few months so the service was canceled, and we just sorted that.

She is confused when we talk about internet and TV. I point to the router and she tells me that’s the TV box, I tell her she doesn’t have one and she looks at me quizzically. This was before I set her up with one recently.

She knows where she is, she is able to drive and navigate to where she’s going and not get confused about why she’s there. But sometimes she’s confused about what’s she is saying. I mean, she doesn’t feel confused but if I’m with her I can tell she’s saying something that does not make sense.

She schedules her appts and takes care of herself and exercises regularly. I’ve read up symptoms on Alzheimer’s but I can’t tell if this is old age progression or something more. But even her neighbor stopped me recently to express she is worried about her.

She has a doctor’s appt but she’s had tests in the past for Alzheimer’s and it has been fine. She has an appt this week so I’m hoping they test her and possibly encourage her to see about a neurologist.

I appreciate any recommendations or insight folks have. I’m thinking working on a diagnosis is the first step. But I’m not sure how much I should express to her my worry and why. Any help in how to handle that discussion? And I’m thinking maybe I should go with her to an appt or two.

Serious question:

My mom took up so much of my time, emotionally and physically. My mom passed away and now I don’t know what do 😪

Back in 2021 my mom was visiting my sister and called to ask me to get her because she felt like she'd die if she stayed there. My sister and I are estranged and have been for many years. I drove the 1,000 miles to pick her up and my sister had her outside, at the curb, with her bags and handed me a bag with meds and paperwork. My mom could barely walk with a walker. I wasn't sure how I'd get her back to her house (500 miles away) but I managed.

When we got there I went through the papers and they included my sister as POA, my mom's advanced directives, and paperwork of an irrevocable trust that was in progress, but not yet signed. I asked my mom about it and she said the POA was supposed to be both of us - I read it to her and she realized I was not on it. She asked about the trust, wanting confirmation that everything was still hers and I explained that no, this trust that my sister was doing was irrevocable, that once she signs it, there is no going back. She again said no, that's not what she wanted done. She then asked if they were reversible? I told her yes, the POA can be revoked and the trust isn't finished, so it's not there yet.

The next day she had me take her to get the POA revoked (notarized document) and on the way home, she wanted to go to the bank. Inside she learned my sister had already taken over her bank accounts. She asked if she'd revoked the POA can they be reverted back to hers and only her decisions and the bank said yes, bring the paperwork - she didn't need to leave, she had it in her purse. The whole process took about an hour. Then she had control of her accounts back.

I give that back story because after that we sent the documents to the attorney my sister was using to create the irrevocable trust to cease work. They did, no questions asked, they just confirmed they were done and would await direction from my mother.

Once my sister realized she'd revoked her POA, she stopped talking to our mom. My sister was calling her, for the previous year, once a day, for maybe 10 minutes per call; after this it was no contact from her.

This was very hurtful to my mom (understandably), but given my sisters undiagnosed mental illness, I was not at all surprised.

Between the end of 2021 and mid-2025 my sister never called, never mailed, never had any contact. Then one day she called my mom and it was like nothing ever happened - they started talking again daily. My mother did not tell me this initally. And I've made it clear I am not interested in hearing about their conversations. I must constantly remind my mother of this when she wants to tell me all about what's going on in my sister's life.

What am I getting to?

Since 2021 I have taken care of everything for my mother. Kept her house in the state she lived (she's been "visiting" us since 2023, unable to return to independent living) paid (taxes, HOA, lawncare, etc.), seen her through five hospitalizations (COVID, fall (nothing broken), COVID, UTI, UTI) and three stints in rehab after discharge from the hospital. This last discharge she is weak, frail and having difficulty. I do not know why they didn't even discuss assisted living rather than discharge to home.

My husband and I are totally sandwiched - he works full-time and must get sleep to function at his job, I work, we have kids (teens) and we've been caring for a slowly declining parent (she's now 86) who has not been able to live independly for years and is resentful I won't take her home to her house.

After she revoked the POA for my sister, I had her meet with an attorney - without me - to draw up whatever she wanted to do. She made me POA (along with my husband) and created a revokable trust (what she'd wanted) and that's been there since early 20222. In the trust she made it very clear my sister and her husband get nothing, under any circumstances, and that the trust is discretionary for me to decide what to do with anything left once she's gone. Her only absolute is my sister gets nothing.

I have remained no contact with my sister. She has, three times now, visited for very short visits (under 2 hours) outside my home (she isn't allowed here) when my mother was in rehab. She is an attorney and I wouldn't put it past her to put papers in front of my mother to sign like she did the first time and my mother blindly signing. So while I think I have POA and am Trustee, the reality is my sister may have undone what my mother did and I'm not aware.

Just watching her ambulate after this discharge, I cannot have her here safely and do 24/7 care. I have in-home (private pay) assistance three times a week. I pay for that. My mom does not have enough funds to pay for her care, and I need my sanity and not doing this all the time, so I pay for that in-home care (15 hours a week). My mother now needs assistance (escort) to bathroom at night, needs help showering, doesn't want to get up and get things herself (she's tired, weak, etc.) so wants me or the kids to fetch her water, a snack, turn on the TV, close her doors to her room, get her her shoes, etc. Last night she wanted dinner in her room and I told her dinner is in the kitchen, not in her room, if she's hungry, she'll join us...and she did. I cannot let her just become totally dependent on everyone doing everything for her.

How do I get her into an assisted living facility? I can see her resentment growing that she's here, that she wants to go back to her home in another state, but she cannot drive (hasn't in five years now), can barely walk, and needs assistance for everything.

My biggest fear happened last night. My mom took off walking and no one even knew. We live in a small town and as she made her way by the fire station - six blocks away - some of the firemen were outside and saw her and realized something was off. They brought her inside the fire station and called the police. She could tell them her name and DOB but not where she lived. She could tell them she had a daughter and knew my first name but not my last name or phone number or where I live. Somehow, I’m not quite sure how, the police were able to figure out where she lived and took her home. She lives with her sister - also with dementia - who didn’t even know she had left the house.

I did not even find any of this out until hours later. My mom kept talking about a trip she had been on and how nice the police were. I thought she was talking out of her head as she does at night sometimes. I asked her sister if anything unusual had happened and that’s when she casually told me oh yeah your mom took off and the police brought her back. Ummm…WTF??

I called the police dept and the officer who took my mom home called me back and went over the details with me.

I have had a gut feeling she had been leading up to this happening for a while. In the evenings she keeps going outside in the yard and then back inside the house, over and over.

I’m making this post so that those of you who are at an early stage of dementia can be made aware that it CAN happen to any of us, even if our LO’s do not seem the type to ever do it, it can still happen. I asked my mom where she was trying to go and she said she didn’t know. By the time she went to bed last night she had no memory of any of it even happening.

My mom has Medicaid approval for nursing home but I have delayed exercising that option as LONG as possible because I know that once she goes into a facility a fast decline is likely. However, I am sad to say I think we are at the point it is inevitable and I’ve reached out to her case manager for next steps.