Long; Next steps?
Back in 2021 my mom was visiting my sister and called to ask me to get her because she felt like she'd die if she stayed there. My sister and I are estranged and have been for many years. I drove the 1,000 miles to pick her up and my sister had her outside, at the curb, with her bags and handed me a bag with meds and paperwork. My mom could barely walk with a walker. I wasn't sure how I'd get her back to her house (500 miles away) but I managed.
When we got there I went through the papers and they included my sister as POA, my mom's advanced directives, and paperwork of an irrevocable trust that was in progress, but not yet signed. I asked my mom about it and she said the POA was supposed to be both of us - I read it to her and she realized I was not on it. She asked about the trust, wanting confirmation that everything was still hers and I explained that no, this trust that my sister was doing was irrevocable, that once she signs it, there is no going back. She again said no, that's not what she wanted done. She then asked if they were reversible? I told her yes, the POA can be revoked and the trust isn't finished, so it's not there yet.
The next day she had me take her to get the POA revoked (notarized document) and on the way home, she wanted to go to the bank. Inside she learned my sister had already taken over her bank accounts. She asked if she'd revoked the POA can they be reverted back to hers and only her decisions and the bank said yes, bring the paperwork - she didn't need to leave, she had it in her purse. The whole process took about an hour. Then she had control of her accounts back.
I give that back story because after that we sent the documents to the attorney my sister was using to create the irrevocable trust to cease work. They did, no questions asked, they just confirmed they were done and would await direction from my mother.
Once my sister realized she'd revoked her POA, she stopped talking to our mom. My sister was calling her, for the previous year, once a day, for maybe 10 minutes per call; after this it was no contact from her.
This was very hurtful to my mom (understandably), but given my sisters undiagnosed mental illness, I was not at all surprised.
Between the end of 2021 and mid-2025 my sister never called, never mailed, never had any contact. Then one day she called my mom and it was like nothing ever happened - they started talking again daily. My mother did not tell me this initally. And I've made it clear I am not interested in hearing about their conversations. I must constantly remind my mother of this when she wants to tell me all about what's going on in my sister's life.
What am I getting to?
Since 2021 I have taken care of everything for my mother. Kept her house in the state she lived (she's been "visiting" us since 2023, unable to return to independent living) paid (taxes, HOA, lawncare, etc.), seen her through five hospitalizations (COVID, fall (nothing broken), COVID, UTI, UTI) and three stints in rehab after discharge from the hospital. This last discharge she is weak, frail and having difficulty. I do not know why they didn't even discuss assisted living rather than discharge to home.
My husband and I are totally sandwiched - he works full-time and must get sleep to function at his job, I work, we have kids (teens) and we've been caring for a slowly declining parent (she's now 86) who has not been able to live independly for years and is resentful I won't take her home to her house.
After she revoked the POA for my sister, I had her meet with an attorney - without me - to draw up whatever she wanted to do. She made me POA (along with my husband) and created a revokable trust (what she'd wanted) and that's been there since early 20222. In the trust she made it very clear my sister and her husband get nothing, under any circumstances, and that the trust is discretionary for me to decide what to do with anything left once she's gone. Her only absolute is my sister gets nothing.
I have remained no contact with my sister. She has, three times now, visited for very short visits (under 2 hours) outside my home (she isn't allowed here) when my mother was in rehab. She is an attorney and I wouldn't put it past her to put papers in front of my mother to sign like she did the first time and my mother blindly signing. So while I think I have POA and am Trustee, the reality is my sister may have undone what my mother did and I'm not aware.
Just watching her ambulate after this discharge, I cannot have her here safely and do 24/7 care. I have in-home (private pay) assistance three times a week. I pay for that. My mom does not have enough funds to pay for her care, and I need my sanity and not doing this all the time, so I pay for that in-home care (15 hours a week). My mother now needs assistance (escort) to bathroom at night, needs help showering, doesn't want to get up and get things herself (she's tired, weak, etc.) so wants me or the kids to fetch her water, a snack, turn on the TV, close her doors to her room, get her her shoes, etc. Last night she wanted dinner in her room and I told her dinner is in the kitchen, not in her room, if she's hungry, she'll join us...and she did. I cannot let her just become totally dependent on everyone doing everything for her.
How do I get her into an assisted living facility? I can see her resentment growing that she's here, that she wants to go back to her home in another state, but she cannot drive (hasn't in five years now), can barely walk, and needs assistance for everything.