u/Waste-Reality7356

I do not know how to deal with the crushing loneliness I' feeling.

I cannot relate to anyone here, because atleast you have something going in your life.

A job, even when it's not paying well.

A relationship, a boyfriend, a girlfriend.

Or a family.

Sometimes people post pictures of their home and I always admire how tidy it is.

I do not even think it's because of autism.

I'm so isolated and cannot even engage in my interests.

It also sucks to live in a place with no infrastructure and hospitals being far away.

Evertything is a pain where I live and how I live.

I notice that I'm during a conversation always extremely stressed. I have to be hyperalert due various reason.

I'm actually never relaxed when I speak to someone which leads to me dismissing myself.

" Is what I say good enough?" ? Is what I share a benefit to someone?" " will I be misunderstood?"

That leads to the fact that after the stress (people) are gone I'm able to actually think of what I'd like to have said.

I also notice that common folks tend to be quick and confident to grab an opportunity, while I'm always considering if I'm able to do so. That leads often to the fact that loud people will take the lead, but not neccessary good or skilled people.

I'm not sure what to say. I'd just like to talk to someone. I have no friends anymore and my morning is already starting bad.

I took part in the night at an online meeting and it has been targeted by people (young men) who want to disturb online meetings and I guess it just makes me feel sad.

Does Aspergers also come with delayed emotional processing?

because I have no friends and cannot talk with anyone.

It makes my negative selftalk louder and I'm feeling depressed because of it.

I also feel lonely because of the "patriarchy"

And I cannot even talk with someone about it.

I'm feeling so fucking lost because there is no one who cares about me. No one I could ask for advice. All what is left seems to be reddit. people from far away. people who might leave a comment but then also disappear like everyone else

How to deal with the guilt. I wish someone had an answer

I usually am able to reply here but I've lost all agency. My mental health is eroding and I got no help. I'm trying to do something but in the past it made everything worse. I'm afraid to take action now

I was called by two different men " aggressive".

In one instance it had been of a group of people and in one another instance it was when I was buying something.

I wasn't being aggressive at all.

I'm not even sure how to flair this.

In the group setting the group of men had been intimidating me as they blocked my way.

And in the other instance I also wasn't aggressive. I've heard women being called aggressive and I think it's just another form of " You are too emotional" but I feel very irritated because they had been the one being aggressive.

I wish I could take with someone about what has happened and I hate spamming this sub with my vents.

Update:

I'm no longer searching for someone to talk as I do not wanna overwhelm someone and I think this time involving a third neutral party is neccessary. Thank you for all who wanted to help out.

OP:

I was attacked and gaslighted by security staff. I remember that there is an organisation for helping PoC in Berlin, but I do not remember the name

I can't disclose everything what happened but I'd be happy if I could talk to someone my age (30) and gender as it has also been a sexistic attack.

During the past years I experienced the following:

• being honest will lead to information being used against you
• asking for what you need will lead to being perceived as 'difficult' and punishment
• trusting people will lead to abuse
• saying no will be viewed as a personal attack and will backfire
• I do not wanna answer phonecalls. There is a reason for not wanting something to be written and the information often times was just wrong, when I had made a call

For me interacting with humans became a warzone.

Currenrly I'm unmedicated and in severe emotional pain. I'm unemployed and have no access to mobility (public transport not working). Despite having lots of time I always miss opportunities which could be actually helpful. But often times I'm just dissociated, trying desperately to grab for help. I'm not getting help through the MH field. No Family. No Friends.

I'm living in a village where two women started lying about me to the point I've become afraid to go outside. On top of that I have zero motivation. I tried to reach out, ask for help, be vuonerable and it was used against me. I need help and can't live like this anymore but to get out of this, I'd need to write mails and schedule appointments which I'm not able to because I'm convinced everything I do, is wrong.

To make things worse my IT isn't working properly, which makes it hard to do necessary communication and I'm living so far away from the city that I cannot use public infrastructure.

I think what is crushing me is the repeated experiences to have put trust in the wrong people. And also the loss of energy and agency.

On top of that I just find it hard to live as a woman, because your struggles are constantly dismissed and belittled, without ever being allowed to talk about what is happening.

Might delete.

someone suggested me to reach out to someone who would help me get an assessment.

But I'm afraid and I'm feeling very incapable. It's just that I need help but am very limited.

I also wished a forler friend from highschool happy birthday and she just replied with " thanks".

Her birthday is one after mine and she didn't wish me happy birthday.

My apartment is very cluttered and so much is going wrong. I do not know where to start because everywhere is clutter and I cannot go outside because outside doesn't feel safe either

I'm sad because I tried to help at an event. I really had that in mind but when the organisor told me " yeah u can come, but I dont know if I will have work for you" that kicked me so off that I just tried to go home but I couldn't get home because I was so stressed by being outside in public and the noise of the city.

Its almost 8 pm here... and Again I wasnt able to do anything meaningful. I truely hate my life

I guess I'm just looking for some kind of support because I'm feeling sad and extremely misunderstood.

Unfortunately I developed a hoarding pattern.

I wasn't always like that, but it happened over time. I know the reasons behind that disorder or rather how I think a symptom of something deeper.

I feel very alone in this pattern and I also feel lost.

There is so much clutter. I'm constantly getting distracted. I think that how your apartment or housing looks says a lot about your inner world and I guess I'm surprised and shocked what has happened.

She cancelled an appointment We scheduled 4-6 months ago, and the secretary just called me to tell me, they'd decline the appointment. No rescheduling, the doctor would be "sick".

I actually had a bad gut feeling about it the whole time but I didn't want to cancel it because of the want to be "responsible".

Anyhow the psychiatrist who ditched me hide a diagnosis from me yrs ago. She told me "she didn't wanna make things worse" But it would have been the opposite of course.

I stayed with her out of "conveniance" but I've letters here where I wrote her how much it hurt me that she hide for years a dx from me. I'm not even sure if I should ask for a prescription for meds again.

I was actually have been waiting for months for that appointment. And I cancelled an appointment for assessment of ASD in May because I felt I couldn't handle two appointments.

I feel hurt but at the same time I think I should have known it better.

She also looked disgusted at me the last time I enterer her room so idk what has happened.

I need support 🥺

update:

I made it to a beautiful spot. I can breathe here.

Hello,

I enjoy the discussions of this sub, but at the same I do not find the solution I'm hoping for.

Where to find community? Where to find a healthy relationship? How to deal with your past?

I'm absolutely isolated and overwhelmed.

I reached out. I asked for help. And in 99% of the time this led to further punishment by the MH field.

Where are we outcasts supposed to go? I don't find an answer to that.

I wish therapy had worked.

I do not know how I'm supposed to pull myself out of a rut and the way relationships are primarly formed is hurtful.

I hate it, when you finally have the energy to decluter and throw stuff away.

Everyone encourages you to just let go amd forces you to go through the pain of letting go and throwing stuff away, but no one is there for you when you fucking need a thing you threw away.

I'm searching for a bill. I do not even need it. But having it handy would have helped me as there were contact informations I had to google when I could have just looked at the bill.

I know its nothing serious. But still it's a pain. I do not wanna go go the bin amd search for the bill. Yet it feels like I could "save" something I needed earlier.

It happens everytime I decluter that I will need an item right after it and it makes me so angry.

I believe that therapy can help, but I think the ones having the right to offer the help aren't capable of doing so. I think one reason for it might be that the ICD and DSM still operate on the model that the root of mental disorders is solely caused by a biological shortcoming within the individual.

Atleast for me, I know that I would feel better when I would know a secure and stable person.

I think learning what is healthy and setting boundaries would be important for me.

I'm also unhappy how "weaponised" psychology has become: the words trauma, trigger etc are used in a ridicilous manner.

Also everyone (including myself) diagnoses themselves now. And I didn't even talk about that there isn't a consens anymore about how many disorders even exists, so we got a lot of syndromes.

Everyone seems to be sick. I want to HEAL and calm my nervous systeme by a quiet place in nature, a normal income and a healthy relationship but somehow all of this is out of reach.

Should I just die and kill myself?

Nobody likes me or wants me.

It took me months, when others would have needed maybe two hours.
It feels like I did something wrong despite me taking that long and tbh... I just did so because I had to and was already too late to do so. I had to fill out mandatory formulars.

I just wish I would haver never tried to start a business from scratch, and not such a dumb one, no one would like to buy that product.

I'm just sad because I'm wasting my energy in things that give nothing back.

I just wish I would have listened that my idea won't bring any money.

I'm not sure if anyone can relate.

Hello, this is kind of a journal entry and I'm a bit at my wits ends.

I'm living in a place in Germany with high rates of voting far right.

what I'm dealing with: • aftermath of a legal conflict where a woman manipulated me into taking care.

• A neighbor lying to the apartment management about me and accused me of things I didn't do. She unfortuntely now has became my downstairs neighbor and probably surveilles everything. (around 70) In the whole apartment there are letters from her telling the people what to do and not. When I use the shared garden, she yells at me and behaves very aggressive.

• Another white woman, I was working with in a voluntary work accused me of not doing enough, when in fact I contributed a lot into this project and IMO did far more than most, but at the same time was the scapegoat for everything what went wrong, even when I wasn't even involved.

All of this woman have been highly abusive also to their white partners / children / ... for example: The woman of the project gossiped about everyone. The woman in her 40es yelled so much at her children, blamed them and shamed them that I was seriously considering involving authorities, which I unfortunately didn't.

There were times when those women were "nice" to me. But as soon as I said "no" or didn't do what they expected from me , they flipped.

I'm just trying to make sense of all.

Where I live there is also a group of older men who watch everyone who passes the street. They also are connected to the other women.

When I drive pass them on my bicycle, they sometimes will turn their head and stare at me laughing.

Yesterday it happened again.

I do not any longer want to catch men and karens staring at me. And I also have become hyper vigiliant .I never saw myself as different, but I know that they do.

Of course, the medical field hasn't been helpful too and nearly all coachs and therapists are white in Germany. How should they be able to relate?

I 'm also starting not to be able to relate to white woman my age anymore because they do not suffer from this shit and I cannot talk about it without asking myself if they believe me or think it's my fault.

edit: I've read other posts about expats living in Germany and one that stuck with me was a guy saying that, you often times will need a lawyer / attorney in Germany to get your right. It seems like people walk all over you and try to use you as their doormat, until an attorney steps in.

Honestly I've forgot to mention the abuse of a white woman working in a federal office. Her action later was declared as "wrong" and what she did had to be removed, but how can it happen every time that they will act friendly , but behind their back have an agenda to screw you over.

I wonder if things would be easier if I wasn't single and clearly an "outsider" or would spend money on attoeneys.

edit2: typo, grammar,

edit 3:

If I analyse it, those women always had something in common:

* they are older than me (10+ yrs)

* they are good in communicating

* they befriend authorities or people with higher status

* their SOs said something positive about me

* they were the first ones to make contact w me.

* they dye their hair

* they have no problem with lying to eliminate people they choose to dislike

* I trusted them, despite seeing the red flags in their behaviout with others.

hello, I'm not sure if anyone could help me.

I guess not, because I'm longing for connection.

I'm not feeling well. I have no friends. No job.

My mental health is becoming worse and of course I cannot ask for help because each time I reached out, things got worse.

Its almost 12 am here and I don't want the next day to come.

I know it will be a failure. As all what I try.

I'm so tired of trying

Hello, I've something Id like to talk about. Yesterday I talked with an elderly couple. We met each other last year because their dog run into me and I pet it. Since I know them I've noticed that the husband is very passive-aggressive.

He also talks bad about his wife when we are together. Nothing severe but for example: they were going on a holiday, his wife packed everything and he scolded her with a mockery voice 'how unnceccesariy to pack a bunch of items'

and I just said: ' Well, better having one item, instead of needing one item'

They own several properties and also rent them. They "allow" me to garden there, but I just think I'm doing free labor, because he doesnt care a lot.

What is baffling to me is that they talked bad about the wife of a tenant, who just PASSED.

But yesterday It was too much.

It wasn't that he ridiculed my experiences with racism and told it 'sensitive' and came up even with a LIE excusing bad behaviour of people.

It was his reaction when his wife told us that her mother used to physical abuse her.

It wasn't the first time she opened up about it.

He said something a like : " Yeahhh 😅😅 being like that, she gave me a hard time too LOL"

later on he also said that they were going to play a boardgame and he joked " he was gonna let her win"

I'm living in a country where abuse of women is normalised.

I love their garden property. I like their barn cat. I love their dog which bumped into me.

But I think he is unsufferable.

Should I just avoid them?