u/Virtual_Tonight4245

WARNING: ⚠️ Verbal/emotional/psychological abuse.

I (34F) have been with my (35M) husband for 17 years… married for 12 years. We have 4 children together.

Our relationship has been toxic since the beginning. I realize that. Not sure what kept me around and going back. Thanks to Reddit and coworkers.. I realize that things that have happened are not normal, considered abuse, and doesn’t happen in all marriages.

For a long time there he wasn’t lovey. I wanted attention and affection. He wasn’t like that. Used to not like kissing me, either. For years. I felt unwanted. Questioned why he was with me. Didn’t help during times I needed. I did eve try thing when kids were younger. He’s called me stupid. Made fun of my hairy lip “jokingly.” Liked a picture of his ex and told me “I told you I liked long hair” cause I had recently chopped mine. Has called me mentally unstable. Has broken a TV. Had broken stuff I’ve given him. Has cut up our rings. Has told me I failed as a wife. Threatened divorce a lot of fighter. Threatens to take our dog out when we were gonna split. Has punched my car mirror and broke it. Had broken my phone. Has punched our headboard. Has ripped a pillow out from under my head. Has told me I failed as a wife (and written it on our bathroom mirror in sharpie). Has threatened my friends husband cause he was angry at her… but scared me and told me I should be scared and “fuck around find out” but also said he’d never hurt me or the kids. But when I wanted to leave he said he would make it as hard as possible and I’d have to force it.
Now mind you.. a lot of this is when he’s triggered and mad. The last 2 years.. when we aren’t fighting… he can be really loving, sweet and affectionate. Can be really considerate. Things a husband should be.

Oh he also made me tell our oldest daughter that we were getting a divorce.

I’ve been sleeping separately for 2 months. We got into another fight. He’s been in therapy for 6 months now to figure out and work on his anger cause he said he can’t control it. Anyways.. Tuesday we had our 4/5 session of couples therapy (which I’m learning is not good with an abuser). The therapist told me to list reasons why I wouldn’t wanna stay. I did. He immediately got mad. She asked him to repeat back what I said and he couldn’t. He was just angry. My body reacted. I started getting sweaty abd my heart was pounding. Then she asked him to list reasons to stay or leave. He couldn’t cause “there’s no point now.” After therapy he yelled at the kids cause they were fighting. Then was slamming stuff around. I told him he’s acting angry and he said “cause I am angry.” 30ish min later he said “I’m sorry for being grumpy” and kissed my head. I tried talking to him about it the next day and he couldn’t cause his anxiety and he was in a bad mood. Here we are a few days later and he has not addressed it. Is just acting nice again.

Yesterday I paid for a paralegal to get paperwork ready to file. I have applied for houses to rent. But we have a mortgage. I was going to move out with the kids if I find a house but I can’t pay mortgage and rent. I was gonna do it anyway and maybe then he will sell.
Can I do that? Is that a stupid move? I haven’t said anything. I’m quite nervous. As sad as it probably sound.. I’m scared to hurt his feelings. But I’m also scared to be alone. But I feel like it needs to be done. Even if people have it worse.. I feel like what’s happened between us isn’t normal. I’ve lost trust, respect, emotional safety and I’m full of resentment. He only wanted to change when I was walking out.

Ive been with my husband for 17 years. Married 12. We have 4 kids.

It’s been toxic from the start. Idk why I stayed and put up with everything. Maybe I was so insecure. Beg for marriage and kids as he didn’t want them.

He was unsupportive for years. Would talk down to me during fights. Make “jokes” at my expensive. Made me feel unloveable.

Tables turned and he started being more lovey but would still be verbally and emotionally abusive during fights. Has said I’m mentally unstable, I’ve failed as a wife, has punch my car mirror and lots more.

He’s been in therapy for a few months. We have had like 4/5 couples therapy sessions. During this last one, the therapist gave us the floor. I went first. She wanted me to say why I wouldn’t want to be in the relationship. (We do this in separate rooms via zoom). So I was honest. And said how I went through a lot of times being unsupportive. Feeling unloveable. Questioning if he even loved me. How I’ve lost respect and trust and affection. How I don’t understand how the one person who’s supposed to love you has beat you down the most.

Therapist then asked my husband to basically reiterate what I said. I’m assuming to show active listening. He couldn’t. He was pissed and I could tell. I immediately started getting anxious and sweaty and fidgety.

Then she asked him to talk about why we should stay together or shouldn’t or both. And he was like well I’m not even sure at this point. He was definitely upset.

Is it bad for how I’ve been blocked off for the last 2 months after our last fight where he made me tell our 11 year old we were divorcing. I’m struggling deciding if I’m going to leave or if I can stay. So I’m numb, blocked off and not acting lovey. I sleep in another room.

Now I feel like the ahole because he was so mad. After it ended he got short tempered with the kids. Was slamming stuff in kitchen. I told him he’s acting mad and he said he is angry and to leave him alone. He calmed down 15/20 minutes later. And 30 min after that kissed me on the forehead when he was leaving.

I feel like he’s expecting me to have this big decision of staying and working it out when I’ve been through a lot of damage. And I feel like he didn’t actually listen to me.

Ive been with my husband for 17 years. Married 12. We have 4 kids.

It’s been toxic from the start. Idk why I stayed and put up with everything. Maybe I was so insecure. Beg for marriage and kids as he didn’t want them.

He was unsupportive for years. Would talk down to me during fights. Make “jokes” at my expensive. Made me feel unloveable.

Tables turned and he started being more lovey but would still be verbally and emotionally abusive during fights. Has said I’m mentally unstable, I’ve failed as a wife, has punch my car mirror and lots more.

He’s been in therapy for a few months. We have had like 4/5 couples therapy sessions. During this last one, the therapist gave us the floor. I went first. She wanted me to say why I wouldn’t want to be in the relationship. (We do this in separate rooms via zoom). So I was honest. And said how I went through a lot of times being unsupportive. Feeling unloveable. Questioning if he even loved me. How I’ve lost respect and trust and affection. How I don’t understand how the one person who’s supposed to love you has beat you down the most.

Therapist then asked my husband to basically reiterate what I said. I’m assuming to show active listening. He couldn’t. He was pissed and I could tell. I immediately started getting anxious and sweaty and fidgety.

Then she asked him to talk about why we should stay together or shouldn’t or both. And he was like well I’m not even sure at this point. He was definitely upset.

Is it bad for how I’ve been blocked off for the last 2 months after our last fight where he made me tell our 11 year old we were divorcing. I’m struggling deciding if I’m going to leave or if I can stay. So I’m numb, blocked off and not acting lovey. I sleep in another room.

Now I feel like the ahole because he was so mad. After it ended he got short tempered with the kids. Was slamming stuff in kitchen. I told him he’s acting mad and he said he is angry and to leave him alone. He calmed down 15/20 minutes later. And 30 min after that kissed me on the forehead when he was leaving.

I feel like he’s expecting me to have this big decision of staying and working it out when I’ve been through a lot of damage. And I feel like he didn’t actually listen to me.

Ive been with my husband for 17 years. Married 12. We have 4 kids.

It’s been toxic from the start. Idk why I stayed and put up with everything. Maybe I was so insecure. Beg for marriage and kids as he didn’t want them.

He was unsupportive for years. Would talk down to me during fights. Make “jokes” at my expensive. Made me feel unloveable.

Tables turned and he started being more lovey but would still be verbally and emotionally abusive during fights. Has said I’m mentally unstable, I’ve failed as a wife, has punch my car mirror and lots more.

He’s been in therapy for a few months. We have had like 4/5 couples therapy sessions. During this last one, the therapist gave us the floor. I went first. She wanted me to say why I wouldn’t want to be in the relationship. (We do this in separate rooms via zoom). So I was honest. And said how I went through a lot of times being unsupportive. Feeling unloveable. Questioning if he even loved me. How I’ve lost respect and trust and affection. How I don’t understand how the one person who’s supposed to love you has beat you down the most.

Therapist then asked my husband to basically reiterate what I said. I’m assuming to show active listening. He couldn’t. He was pissed and I could tell. I immediately started getting anxious and sweaty and fidgety.

Then she asked him to talk about why we should stay together or shouldn’t or both. And he was like well I’m not even sure at this point. He was definitely upset.

Is it bad for how I’ve been blocked off for the last 2 months after our last fight where he made me tell our 11 year old we were divorcing. I’m struggling deciding if I’m going to leave or if I can stay. So I’m numb, blocked off and not acting lovey. I sleep in another room.

Now I feel like the ahole because he was so mad. After it ended he got short tempered with the kids. Was slamming stuff in kitchen. I told him he’s acting mad and he said he is angry and to leave him alone. He calmed down 15/20 minutes later. And 30 min after that kissed me on the forehead when he was leaving.

I feel like he’s expecting me to have this big decision of staying and working it out when I’ve been through a lot of damage. And I feel like he didn’t actually listen to me.

Ive been with my husband for 17 years. Married 12. We have 4 kids.

It’s been toxic from the start. Idk why I stayed and put up with everything. Maybe I was so insecure. Beg for marriage and kids as he didn’t want them.

He was unsupportive for years. Would talk down to me during fights. Make “jokes” at my expensive. Made me feel unloveable.

Tables turned and he started being more lovey but would still be verbally and emotionally abusive during fights. Has said I’m mentally unstable, I’ve failed as a wife, has punch my car mirror and lots more.

He’s been in therapy for a few months. We have had like 4/5 couples therapy sessions. During this last one, the therapist gave us the floor. I went first. She wanted me to say why I wouldn’t want to be in the relationship. (We do this in separate rooms via zoom). So I was honest. And said how I went through a lot of times being unsupportive. Feeling unloveable. Questioning if he even loved me. How I’ve lost respect and trust and affection. How I don’t understand how the one person who’s supposed to love you has beat you down the most.

Therapist then asked my husband to basically reiterate what I said. I’m assuming to show active listening. He couldn’t. He was pissed and I could tell. I immediately started getting anxious and sweaty and fidgety.

Then she asked him to talk about why we should stay together or shouldn’t or both. And he was like well I’m not even sure at this point. He was definitely upset.

AITA for how I’ve been blocked off for the last 2 months after our last fight where he made me tell our 11 year old we were divorcing. I’m struggling deciding if I’m going to leave or if I can stay. So I’m numb, blocked off and not acting lovey. I sleep in another room.

Now I feel like the ahole because he was so mad. After it ended he got short tempered with the kids. Was slamming stuff in kitchen. I told him he’s acting mad and he said he is angry and to leave him alone. He calmed down 15/20 minutes later. And 30 min after that kissed me on the forehead when he was leaving.

But like AITA? I feel like he’s expecting me to have this big decision of staying and working it out when I’ve been through a lot of damage. And I feel like he didn’t actually listen to me.

I’ve been married 12 years and with my husband for 17. We are in our 30s. High school sweethearts. We have 4 kids together.

I’m going to be honest… our relationship was toxic in high school. I’m not sure if I was, but I know he was. And idk why I kept saying. Why I pushed for marriage and pushed for kids when he never wanted any of that.

I remember feeling like I was unloved. Like I was a bother. Which is probably why I have a lot of self esteem issues.
He has told me he was an immature child back then. That he wishes he can change the past. Even though he was just mean a few months ago.

Some things he’s done over the last 8 years from longest to most recent: be mindful these were usually during fights. He wouldn’t just randomly tell me something like that unless he was upset.

- Told me he didn’t like my hair short. Then liked a picture of his ex girlfriend and when I told him it bothered me he said “I told you I liked longer hair.”
- Called me stupid.
- Was not present in our kids lives. As in I did most everything. He wouldn’t even watch them when they were younger because they couldn’t talk and would cry for me.
- Told me I’m mentally unstable.
- Told me I’m not worth it anymore.
- Told me the sex wasn’t worth it anyways.
- Told me (once) if he ever killed himself it was my fault.
- Broke my phone.
- Punched my car mirror.
- Has threatened divorce and to leave multiple times. Had started it then tells me if I want it I can finish.
- Threatened to take out our dog when we were going to “split up.” Wouldn’t let me take her. (Obv told him that was disgusting and he didn’t do anything).
- Has said I deserve to be beat and cheated on because I act like he does that.
- Ripped a pillow out from under my head. And blankets off me.
- Took my phone and I tried getting it back. We fell onto bed because he wouldn’t let go and I hurt my ribs. But it was my fault cause I wouldn’t let go.
- Has said go fuck yourself to me.
- Has made jokes at my expensive.
- Wrote on our bathroom mirror.. in SHARPIE.. that I failed as a wife. After telling me the night before “sarcastically” that he wanted a divorce for Christmas. Then also called me an ungrateful bitch.

Anyways.. he has acknowledged he has a problem. Says he has been an idiot. An immature child. Says he is doing everything to treat me and our kids better, the way we deserve. He’s in solo therapy for a few months now. We are in couples therapy. He’s def different than 8 years ago. Shows WAY MORE love and affection. But literally has said I failed as a wife in December.

But I’ve lot respect for him. I have resentment. I don’t understand how someone treats the one they love like that. I lost attraction for him. But I am STRUGGLING pulling the trigger on leaving. I’m afraid to hurt him. Afraid it’s a big mistake because what if he’s actually changing. He’s never done and tried this much. I do see change. I literally don’t know what to do. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted.

WIBTA for leaving if he really seems to be trying to change?

I’ve been married 12 years and with my husband for 17. We are in our 30s. High school sweethearts. We have 4 kids together.

I’m going to be honest… our relationship was toxic in high school. I’m not sure if I was, but I know he was. And idk why I kept saying. Why I pushed for marriage and pushed for kids when he never wanted any of that.

I remember feeling like I was unloved. Like I was a bother. Which is probably why I have a lot of self esteem issues.
He has told me he was an immature child back then. That he wishes he can change the past. Even though he was just mean a few months ago.

Some things he’s done over the last 8 years from longest to most recent: be mindful these were usually during fights. He wouldn’t just randomly tell me something like that unless he was upset.

- Told me he didn’t like my hair short. Then liked a picture of his ex girlfriend and when I told him it bothered me he said “I told you I liked longer hair.”
- Called me stupid.
- Was not present in our kids lives. As in I did most everything. He wouldn’t even watch them when they were younger because they couldn’t talk and would cry for me.
- Told me I’m mentally unstable.
- Told me I’m not worth it anymore.
- Told me the sex wasn’t worth it anyways.
- Told me (once) if he ever killed himself it was my fault.
- Broke my phone.
- Punched my car mirror.
- Has threatened divorce and to leave multiple times. Had started it then tells me if I want it I can finish.
- Threatened to take out our dog when we were going to “split up.” Wouldn’t let me take her. (Obv told him that was disgusting and he didn’t do anything).
- Has said I deserve to be beat and cheated on because I act like he does that.
- Ripped a pillow out from under my head. And blankets off me.
- Took my phone and I tried getting it back. We fell onto bed because he wouldn’t let go and I hurt my ribs. But it was my fault cause I wouldn’t let go.
- Has said go fuck yourself to me.
- Has made jokes at my expensive.
- Wrote on our bathroom mirror.. in SHARPIE.. that I failed as a wife. After telling me the night before “sarcastically” that he wanted a divorce for Christmas. Then also called me an ungrateful bitch.

Anyways.. he has acknowledged he has a problem. Says he has been an idiot. An immature child. Says he is doing everything to treat me and our kids better, the way we deserve. He’s in solo therapy for a few months now. We are in couples therapy.

But I’ve lot respect for him. I have resentment. I don’t understand how someone treats the one they love like that. I lost attraction for him. But I am STRUGGLING pulling the trigger on leaving. I’m afraid to hurt him. Afraid it’s a big mistake because what if he’s actually changing. He’s never done and tried this much. I do see change. I literally don’t know what to do. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Can feelings come back?

I’ve been married 12 years and with my husband for 17. We are in our 30s. High school sweethearts. We have 4 kids together.

I’m going to be honest… our relationship was toxic in high school. I’m not sure if I was, but I know he was. And idk why I kept saying. Why I pushed for marriage and pushed for kids when he never wanted any of that.

I remember feeling like I was unloved. Like I was a bother. Which is probably why I have a lot of self esteem issues.
He has told me he was an immature child back then. That he wishes he can change the past. Even though he was just mean a few months ago.

Some things he’s done over the last 8 years from longest to most recent: be mindful these were usually during fights. He wouldn’t just randomly tell me something like that unless he was upset.

- Told me he didn’t like my hair short. Then liked a picture of his ex girlfriend and when I told him it bothered me he said “I told you I liked longer hair.”
- Called me stupid.
- Was not present in our kids lives. As in I did most everything. He wouldn’t even watch them when they were younger because they couldn’t talk and would cry for me.
- Told me I’m mentally unstable.
- Told me I’m not worth it anymore.
- Told me the sex wasn’t worth it anyways.
- Told me (once) if he ever killed himself it was my fault.
- Broke my phone.
- Punched my car mirror.
- Has threatened divorce and to leave multiple times. Had started it then tells me if I want it I can finish.
- Threatened to take out our dog when we were going to “split up.” Wouldn’t let me take her. (Obv told him that was disgusting and he didn’t do anything).
- Has said I deserve to be beat and cheated on because I act like he does that.
- Ripped a pillow out from under my head. And blankets off me.
- Took my phone and I tried getting it back. We fell onto bed because he wouldn’t let go and I hurt my ribs. But it was my fault cause I wouldn’t let go.
- Has said go fuck yourself to me.
- Has made jokes at my expensive.
- Wrote on our bathroom mirror.. in SHARPIE.. that I failed as a wife. After telling me the night before “sarcastically” that he wanted a divorce for Christmas. Then also called me an ungrateful bitch.

Anyways.. he has acknowledged he has a problem. Says he has been an idiot. An immature child. Says he is doing everything to treat me and our kids better, the way we deserve. He’s in solo therapy for a few months now. We are in couples therapy.

But I’ve lot respect for him. I have resentment. I don’t understand how someone treats the one they love like that. I lost attraction for him. But I am STRUGGLING pulling the trigger on leaving. I’m afraid to hurt him. Afraid it’s a big mistake because what if he’s actually changing. He’s never done and tried this much. I do see change. I literally don’t know what to do. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Can feelings come back?

I (34F) been married for 12 years and with my (35M) husband for 17. We are in our 30s. High school sweethearts. We have 4 kids together.

I’m going to be honest… our relationship was toxic in high school. I’m not sure if I was, but I know he was. And idk why I kept saying. Why I pushed for marriage and pushed for kids when he never wanted any of that.

I remember feeling like I was unloved. Like I was a bother. Which is probably why I have a lot of self esteem issues.
He has told me he was an immature child back then. That he wishes he can change the past. Even though he was just mean a few months ago.

Some things he’s done over the last 8 years from longest to most recent: be mindful these were usually during fights. He wouldn’t just randomly tell me something like that unless he was upset.

- Told me he didn’t like my hair short. Then liked a picture of his ex girlfriend and when I told him it bothered me he said “I told you I liked longer hair.”
- Called me stupid.
- Was not present in our kids lives. As in I did most everything. He wouldn’t even watch them when they were younger because they couldn’t talk and would cry for me.
- Told me I’m mentally unstable.
- Told me I’m not worth it anymore.
- Told me the sex wasn’t worth it anyways.
- Told me (once) if he ever killed himself it was my fault.
- Broke my phone.
- Punched my car mirror.
- Has threatened divorce and to leave multiple times. Had started it then tells me if I want it I can finish.
- Threatened to take out our dog when we were going to “split up.” Wouldn’t let me take her. (Obv told him that was disgusting and he didn’t do anything).
- Has said I deserve to be beat and cheated on because I act like he does that.
- Ripped a pillow out from under my head. And blankets off me.
- Took my phone and I tried getting it back. We fell onto bed because he wouldn’t let go and I hurt my ribs. But it was my fault cause I wouldn’t let go.
- Has said go fuck yourself to me.
- Has made jokes at my expensive.
- Wrote on our bathroom mirror.. in SHARPIE.. that I failed as a wife. After telling me the night before “sarcastically” that he wanted a divorce for Christmas. Then also called me an ungrateful bitch.

Anyways.. he has acknowledged he has a problem. Says he has been an idiot. An immature child. Says he is doing everything to treat me and our kids better, the way we deserve. He’s in solo therapy for a few months now. We are in couples therapy.

But I’ve lot respect for him. I have resentment. I don’t understand how someone treats the one they love like that. I lost attraction for him. But I am STRUGGLING pulling the trigger on leaving. I’m afraid to hurt him. Afraid it’s a big mistake because what if he’s actually changing. He’s never done and tried this much. I do see change. I literally don’t know what to do. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Can feelings come back?

I made a post about things I (34F) have been through with my (35M) husband.

There is a history of verbal and emotional abuse. I’m realizing this and trying to come to terms with it. I started reading “Why does he do it” or something like that.

I am struggling, though. I know there’s a cycle of abuse and we have been through it. We have done a few couples therapy sessions to work on communication.

I am struggling because I know this man would do anything for the kids and I. If we are short on money, he will find a way. If we need him, he would be there. He just doesn’t handle his anger or sour moods well. He can get mad easy. He is in individual therapy as well working on it. He says he hates how he is when he’s like that. He says he wants to be better and will try for me for as long as it takes even if I choose to leave.

I’m struggling with.. do I TRY to give this another chance? I don’t have a lot of respect for him. I can barely look him in the eyes. He’s hurt me a lot. I have screenshots of horrible things he has said when mad or “triggered.” Has told me I have failed as a wife. Told me I chewed his ass because I advocated for our daughter (he made fun of our 10 year old for wearing our sweatshirt and even if he was joking.. it had her almost in tears) so I confronted him and he said I chewed his ass, has told me he hopes I have the day I deserve, has said “fuck you bitch” in front of the kids (maybe in a joking way?) cause of an issue with a kiss and said he reacted to my actions and it’s not just his fault said what he did was wrong but it would have been avoided if met with a different attitude (then later realizes he messed up and was being defensive), and just a whole lot of stuff at different times.

He has said things in front of others I didn’t like. I apparently am conditioned and sometimes things he says doesn’t faze me.

Anyway.. my struggle is he seems to really be trying with going to therapy. Wanting to work on his anger and figure out why he does this. His dad was a terrible person and role model.. so he has seen abuse in childhood.
I want to separate so I have a chance to heal and think. But in scared. Idk if it’s the right thing. Idk if I’m just giving up easily and he could be changing and I’ll miss out. Idk if I can love and respect him again. I was all for moving out and filing for divorce and now I find myself questioning it again. He’s been picking me flowers and messaging me good morning. Trying to be kind still and I’m still shut down.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. It def feels like abuse but it’s not as bad as I have read by some people. He will absolutely lift me up. But has also torn me down when angry. It is so confusing and maybe he really just sucks at emotional regulation and isn’t intentionally abusive and really wants to work on it? But he does get angry so quickly. You can probably read my previous post if confused.

What is wrong with me?!

I (34F) and my husband (35M) have been together for 17 years, married 12 years. We have 4 children together. (Please read the whole thing first.. there is new stuff)

There has been a lot of history of verbal and emotional abuse. Majority is during arguments. Over the years (so not everything at once and mostly during texts), He has told me I have failed as a wife, I am worthless, I deserve to be be** and cheated on because I act like that’s what he does, use my words like a big girl, if I’m going to act like a child he will treat me like one, I’m mentally unstable, it’s all in my head.. etc. he punched our headboard, ripped a pillow out from under my head, thrown blankets off me, damaged my car mirror, cut up our rings, destroyed a tv, thrown stuff, broken stuff.

these arguments will go on for a day or 2 then he realizes how terrible he was and be so sorry and super loving.

I was just about at my end last year.. then he had an epiphany. Realized how terrible he treated me. I haven’t even said the things he used to say in the beginning of our relationship but we were really young (20ish).. he used to call me a bitch, slut etc.

One time he threatened to put our dog down himself when we were going to divorce a different time.

Cause that was always a threat.. divorce. A

In December we had a huge fight. He called me an ungrateful bitch. I took my ring off and put it on his side of the sink. I woke up to him writing “you failed as a wife” in SHARPIE on my bathroom mirror with our rings on it. More evil things were said for a few days and then, of course, he was sorry. He did start therapy after that. But then another fight happened.

We have had a few more big fights of me being torn down. I’m not perfect. I have taken my ring off a few times and thrown it in his direction.

I was finally done after this last one (which he made me tell our 11 year old that we were divorcing). But he won’t accept it. Won’t let me divorce or even separate. I thought maybe separating to heal and he says it will make everything worse. And I will have to force it.

He’s still in therapy and we have done couples 2x now.

We currently sleep in separate rooms. He recently told me he knows I can’t trust him and it’s something he has to earn back. That he knows I don’t feel safe talking to him or bringing anything up cause of his reaction. He says he has been a lot better at realizing when he says something he shouldn’t and correcting it asap. He says I’m his world. He said he knows it will take time but he is committed to us and our family. Says I did not deserve any of the things he has said. Says I have been such an amazing and supportive woman and he would be a complete piece of shit without my support and me pushing him to be better.

Idk what to believe anymore and if he could actually change. I have re-read screenshots and am MIND BLOWN of what I put up with and didn’t leave before. But I’m scared. Scared of doing the wrong thing. And I don’t like hurting peoples feelings.

But I have lost respect for him. I don’t act like a wife should act. I want to heal in my own space for me and my kids.

Am I fair for wanting to separate still even tho he wants to be better and wants to treat me right? And says I’m the best thing that’s happened to him and all the things he has said are about himself and not me.

Also.. this is abuse, right? Even tho it’s only during fights and when he’s kind… he is caring and thoughtful?

I (34F) and my husband (35M) have been together for 17 years, married 12 years. We have 4 children together. (Please read the whole thing first.. there is new stuff)

There has been a lot of history of verbal and emotional abuse. Majority is during arguments. Over the years (so not everything at once and mostly during texts), He has told me I have failed as a wife, I am worthless, I deserve to be be** and cheated on because I act like that’s what he does, use my words like a big girl, if I’m going to act like a child he will treat me like one, I’m mentally unstable, it’s all in my head.. etc. he punched our headboard, ripped a pillow out from under my head, thrown blankets off me, damaged my car mirror, cut up our rings, destroyed a tv, thrown stuff, broken stuff.

these arguments will go on for a day or 2 then he realizes how terrible he was and be so sorry and super loving.

I was just about at my end last year.. then he had an epiphany. Realized how terrible he treated me. I haven’t even said the things he used to say in the beginning of our relationship but we were really young (20ish).. he used to call me a bitch, slut etc.

One time he threatened to put our dog down himself when we were going to divorce a different time.

Cause that was always a threat.. divorce. A

In December we had a huge fight. He called me an ungrateful bitch. I took my ring off and put it on his side of the sink. I woke up to him writing “you failed as a wife” in SHARPIE on my bathroom mirror with our rings on it. More evil things were said for a few days and then, of course, he was sorry. He did start therapy after that. But then another fight happened.

We have had a few more big fights of me being torn down. I’m not perfect. I have taken my ring off a few times and thrown it in his direction.

I was finally done after this last one (which he made me tell our 11 year old that we were divorcing). But he won’t accept it. Won’t let me divorce or even separate. I thought maybe separating to heal and he says it will make everything worse. And I will have to force it.

He’s still in therapy and we have done couples 2x now.

We currently sleep in separate rooms. He recently told me he knows I can’t trust him and it’s something he has to earn back. That he knows I don’t feel safe talking to him or bringing anything up cause of his reaction. He says he has been a lot better at realizing when he says something he shouldn’t and correcting it asap. He says I’m his world. He said he knows it will take time but he is committed to us and our family. Says I did not deserve any of the things he has said. Says I have been such an amazing and supportive woman and he would be a complete piece of shit without my support and me pushing him to be better.

Idk what to believe anymore and if he could actually change. I have re-read screenshots and am MIND BLOWN of what I put up with and didn’t leave before. But I’m scared. Scared of doing the wrong thing. And I don’t like hurting peoples feelings.

But I have lost respect for him. I don’t act like a wife should act. I want to heal in my own space for me and my kids.

Am I fair for wanting to separate still even tho he wants to be better and wants to treat me right? And says I’m the best thing that’s happened to him and all the things he has said are about himself and not me.

Also.. this is abuse, right? Even tho it’s only during fights and when he’s kind… he is caring and thoughtful?

I (34F) and my husband (35M) have been together for 17 years, married 12 years. We have 4 children together. (Please read the whole thing first.. there is new stuff)

There has been a lot of history of verbal and emotional abuse. Majority is during arguments. Over the years (so not everything at once and mostly during texts), He has told me I have failed as a wife, I am worthless, I deserve to be be** and cheated on because I act like that’s what he does, use my words like a big girl, if I’m going to act like a child he will treat me like one, I’m mentally unstable, it’s all in my head.. etc. he punched our headboard, ripped a pillow out from under my head, thrown blankets off me, damaged my car mirror, cut up our rings, destroyed a tv, thrown stuff, broken stuff.

these arguments will go on for a day or 2 then he realizes how terrible he was and be so sorry and super loving.

I was just about at my end last year.. then he had an epiphany. Realized how terrible he treated me. I haven’t even said the things he used to say in the beginning of our relationship but we were really young (20ish).. he used to call me a bitch, slut etc.

One time he threatened to put our dog down himself when we were going to divorce a different time.

Cause that was always a threat.. divorce. A

In December we had a huge fight. He called me an ungrateful bitch. I took my ring off and put it on his side of the sink. I woke up to him writing “you failed as a wife” in SHARPIE on my bathroom mirror with our rings on it. More evil things were said for a few days and then, of course, he was sorry. He did start therapy after that. But then another fight happened.

We have had a few more big fights of me being torn down. I’m not perfect. I have taken my ring off a few times and thrown it in his direction.

I was finally done after this last one (which he made me tell our 11 year old that we were divorcing). But he won’t accept it. Won’t let me divorce or even separate. I thought maybe separating to heal and he says it will make everything worse. And I will have to force it.

He’s still in therapy and we have done couples 2x now.

We currently sleep in separate rooms. He recently told me he knows I can’t trust him and it’s something he has to earn back. That he knows I don’t feel safe talking to him or bringing anything up cause of his reaction. He says he has been a lot better at realizing when he says something he shouldn’t and correcting it asap. He says I’m his world. He said he knows it will take time but he is committed to us and our family. Says I did not deserve any of the things he has said. Says I have been such an amazing and supportive woman and he would be a complete piece of shit without my support and me pushing him to be better.

Idk what to believe anymore and if he could actually change. I have re-read screenshots and am MIND BLOWN of what I put up with and didn’t leave before. But I’m scared. Scared of doing the wrong thing. And I don’t like hurting peoples feelings.

But I have lost respect for him. I don’t act like a wife should act. I want to heal in my own space for me and my kids.

Am I fair for wanting to separate still even tho he wants to be better and wants to treat me right? And says I’m the best thing that’s happened to him and all the things he has said are about himself and not me.

Also.. this is abuse, right? Even tho it’s only during fights and when he’s kind… he is caring and thoughtful?

I (34F) and my husband (35M) have been together for 17 years, married 12 years. We have 4 children together. There has been a lot of history of verbal and emotional abuse. Majority is during arguments (which can be spaced out months apart). He has told me I have failed as a wife, I am worthless, I deserve to be be** and cheated on because I act like that’s what he does, use my words like a big girl, if I’m going to act like a child he will treat me like one, I’m mentally unstable, it’s all in my head.. (all mostly through text messages) etc. he has h** our headboard, ripped a pillow out from under my head, thrown blankets off me, damaged my car mirror, cut up our rings, destroyed a tv, thrown stuff, broken stuff.

these arguments will go on for a day or 2 then he realizes how terrible he was and be so sorry and super loving.

I was just about at my end last year.. then he had an epiphany. Realized how terrible he treated me. I haven’t even said the things he used to say in the beginning of our relationship but we were really young. Used to call me a b****, sl**, etc. oh.. he had also thr**tened to put our dog down himself when we were going to divorce a different time. Cause that was always a threat.. divorce. A

In December we had a huge fight. He called me an ungrateful b****. I took my ring off and put it on his side of the sink. I woke up to him writing “you failed as a wife” in SHARPIE on my bathroom mirror with our rings on it. More evil things were said for a few days and then, of course, he was sorry. He did start therapy after that. But then another fight happened.

We have had a few more big fights of me being torn down. I’m not perfect. I have taken my ring off a few times and thrown it in his direction.

I was finally done after this last one (which he made me tell our 11 year old that we were divorcing). But he won’t accept it. Won’t let me divorce or even separate. I thought maybe separating to heal and he says it will make everything worse. And I will have to force it. He’s still in therapy and we have done couples 2x now. Hes trying to work on himself but when he’s upset or mad… he can be mean. I struggle because when he’s nice.. he is very loving and sweet.

I have lost respect for him. I don’t act like a wife should act. I want to heal in my own space for me and my kids.

Is it bad wanting to separate still even tho he wants to be better and wants to treat me right? And says I’m the best thing that’s happened to him and all the things he has said are about himself and not me.