r/ToxicRelationships

This is my first time posting on here, so bare with me. I (18F) have been with my boyfriend (19M) for about 7 months now; we can call him Luke (fake name). His family has become involved. Okay this sounds like such a nonissue starting out but I genuinely have no one else to talk to. We met on a dating app and have pretty much been together since then; and things have been good for the most part. He’s much more
experienced than me when it comes to intimacy (bodies in the double digits) and oftentimes speaks over me, interrupts, and calls me names as a “joke”. However, I love him very much and he drives me places since I don’t have my license, buys me almost anything (even if I don’t ask), and is usually super sweet. But lately things have been going south, he’s been making racist jokes, saying that he hates women and feminists, and calling me stupid and just overall saying some untasteful things as well as wanting to become a police officer- which bothers me VERY MUCH considering how I was raised and how much i hate republicans, conservatives, and cops. He’s aware of that and we’ve been fighting almost every day about it. What makes things complicated is that yesterday I pretty much ended things but I was sobbing my eyes out and gave him a farewell hug. Since that he kind of just acted like we didn’t break up and told me how his parents were saying “politics is a stupid reason to break up” even though it’s so much more than that and they asked him if they could win me in the “divorce” and if they could just trade kids with my parents, which i’m sure hurt him pretty bad. I’ve also become semi friends with his schizophrenic sister and she was also yelling at him telling him to get back with me. Then he told me all of that then asked if we could possibly try again in 6 months, i said maybe. That quickly turned into the breakup being a break and us going to a magic the gathering tournament this friday. About an hour ago he asked me why i seem so unhappy with him and I told him it was because of the belittling me and that I wanted him to be more considerate of my feelings. That obviously struck a nerve with him bc he went off saying that I was trying to change who he was with PARAGRAPHS upon paragraphs and ended it with saying “either we stay together, you leave, or you can keep trying to control me and you’ll watch painfully as i slowly love you less and less.” verbatim. I’m leaving out a lot of the stuff hes done bc I don’t want to paint him as a bad guy. I love him so so much but I don’t know if it’s worth it considering how upset he makes me so regularly, but I also don’t want to regret it. Should I end it or stay with him? I’m stuck.

Im in a relationship with a toxic and controlling, unthreaded borderliner.

She thinks she’s threaded because she’s been to therapy once (because of paranoia and not bpd) and now believes every bad habit she has is okay. She love bombed me until I stopped going to work because I wanted to be with her. I lost my job soon after and then everything went downhill. Now In not allowed to go out alone anymore, not allowed to have any female contact without her being involved - even long time female friends. She is extremely insecure and blames me fore everything. I’m a bad boyfriend, everything I do hurts her, I’m not enough. I can’t even find the right words because it been like this for 4 years now. At this point I lost any will to live and I’m constantly think about giving up. Besides her toxic bpd bullshit she’s actually everything I ever wanted and I believe that true love need hard work and now I’m trapped in a relationship that’s about to kill me but I fear to give because I fear i will feel like a loser afterwards for not trying harder. I can’t take it anymore, please help me. How do I open her eyes that it’s her insecurity’s and lack of emotional selfcontrol that is hurting her and killing the relationship and not me.

I just broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago.

These are his Core Behavioral Patterns

Neglect : not caring enough to make me feel loved in my love languages

Gaslighting: Twisting facts and situations to make me question my own reality or memory.

Controlling Tactics: Demanding access to private accounts and ignoring personal boundaries to maintain dominance.

Emotional Coercion: Using conditional affection and forced apologies as tools for compliance.

Devaluation: Attacking self-esteem through body-shaming, verbal hostility, and derogatory language.

Accountability Avoidance: Shifting blame and adopting a victim narrative when confronted with his own actions.

Volatility: Unpredictable anger paired with a dismissal of my emotional safety.

I can see that these patterns of his has left a lot of scars in me. Please help me heal. Thank you.

I had my son 8 months ago in August, his father was kicked out of the hospital due to an argument with myself… he ended up getting into it with the security guards and was banned from the hospital I moved back to my parents house in October, I barely ask him for any help with our son. I constantly get called a hoe or degraded mind you he knows my sexual trauma. I’ve never cheated on him.. during my pregnancy he came up with a lie saying he paid for head because I had hg and was not in the place to give him some even cried when he told me than a year later he tells me it was a lie.. I moved back in February, I had gotten my Instagram back and he asked to see my close friends I said no simply because you cannot even see who he follows, it resorted into a huge fight and he left for the whole night. I haven’t been perfect by any means, but to be degraded and told “ postpartum don’t last this long “ or “ postpartum don’t do this “ when I’m lashing out due to all I’ve been through with him. He got me nothing for my birthday yet claims he did, has been purely hateful. He never thought to help me up the stairs one time after my c section, I had dropped something on his car floor and was told “ the same way it got down there it can get up “ 3 weeks postpartum. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m still helping him pay rent for somewhere I’m not even staying on top of taking care of our son.. I feel used and just heartbroken.

I’ve been married 12 years and with my husband for 17. We are in our 30s. High school sweethearts. We have 4 kids together.

I’m going to be honest… our relationship was toxic in high school. I’m not sure if I was, but I know he was. And idk why I kept saying. Why I pushed for marriage and pushed for kids when he never wanted any of that.

I remember feeling like I was unloved. Like I was a bother. Which is probably why I have a lot of self esteem issues.
He has told me he was an immature child back then. That he wishes he can change the past. Even though he was just mean a few months ago.

Some things he’s done over the last 8 years from longest to most recent: be mindful these were usually during fights. He wouldn’t just randomly tell me something like that unless he was upset.

- Told me he didn’t like my hair short. Then liked a picture of his ex girlfriend and when I told him it bothered me he said “I told you I liked longer hair.”
- Called me stupid.
- Was not present in our kids lives. As in I did most everything. He wouldn’t even watch them when they were younger because they couldn’t talk and would cry for me.
- Told me I’m mentally unstable.
- Told me I’m not worth it anymore.
- Told me the sex wasn’t worth it anyways.
- Told me (once) if he ever killed himself it was my fault.
- Broke my phone.
- Punched my car mirror.
- Has threatened divorce and to leave multiple times. Had started it then tells me if I want it I can finish.
- Threatened to take out our dog when we were going to “split up.” Wouldn’t let me take her. (Obv told him that was disgusting and he didn’t do anything).
- Has said I deserve to be beat and cheated on because I act like he does that.
- Ripped a pillow out from under my head. And blankets off me.
- Took my phone and I tried getting it back. We fell onto bed because he wouldn’t let go and I hurt my ribs. But it was my fault cause I wouldn’t let go.
- Has said go fuck yourself to me.
- Has made jokes at my expensive.
- Wrote on our bathroom mirror.. in SHARPIE.. that I failed as a wife. After telling me the night before “sarcastically” that he wanted a divorce for Christmas. Then also called me an ungrateful bitch.

Anyways.. he has acknowledged he has a problem. Says he has been an idiot. An immature child. Says he is doing everything to treat me and our kids better, the way we deserve. He’s in solo therapy for a few months now. We are in couples therapy.

But I’ve lot respect for him. I have resentment. I don’t understand how someone treats the one they love like that. I lost attraction for him. But I am STRUGGLING pulling the trigger on leaving. I’m afraid to hurt him. Afraid it’s a big mistake because what if he’s actually changing. He’s never done and tried this much. I do see change. I literally don’t know what to do. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Can feelings come back?

I don’t think I realized how much the relationship affected me until it was over.

Near the end, I was overthinking every conversation before it even happened. Trying to word things the “right” way so it wouldn’t turn into an argument or somehow become my fault.

The weird part is I never would’ve called it toxic while I was in it. I just constantly felt confused and anxious.

I started second guessing myself over everything. Even small things.

Did anyone else feel like they slowly stopped trusting their own thoughts in the relationship?

Ive been with my husband for 17 years. Married 12. We have 4 kids.

It’s been toxic from the start. Idk why I stayed and put up with everything. Maybe I was so insecure. Beg for marriage and kids as he didn’t want them.

He was unsupportive for years. Would talk down to me during fights. Make “jokes” at my expensive. Made me feel unloveable.

Tables turned and he started being more lovey but would still be verbally and emotionally abusive during fights. Has said I’m mentally unstable, I’ve failed as a wife, has punch my car mirror and lots more.

He’s been in therapy for a few months. We have had like 4/5 couples therapy sessions. During this last one, the therapist gave us the floor. I went first. She wanted me to say why I wouldn’t want to be in the relationship. (We do this in separate rooms via zoom). So I was honest. And said how I went through a lot of times being unsupportive. Feeling unloveable. Questioning if he even loved me. How I’ve lost respect and trust and affection. How I don’t understand how the one person who’s supposed to love you has beat you down the most.

Therapist then asked my husband to basically reiterate what I said. I’m assuming to show active listening. He couldn’t. He was pissed and I could tell. I immediately started getting anxious and sweaty and fidgety.

Then she asked him to talk about why we should stay together or shouldn’t or both. And he was like well I’m not even sure at this point. He was definitely upset.

Is it bad for how I’ve been blocked off for the last 2 months after our last fight where he made me tell our 11 year old we were divorcing. I’m struggling deciding if I’m going to leave or if I can stay. So I’m numb, blocked off and not acting lovey. I sleep in another room.

Now I feel like the ahole because he was so mad. After it ended he got short tempered with the kids. Was slamming stuff in kitchen. I told him he’s acting mad and he said he is angry and to leave him alone. He calmed down 15/20 minutes later. And 30 min after that kissed me on the forehead when he was leaving.

I feel like he’s expecting me to have this big decision of staying and working it out when I’ve been through a lot of damage. And I feel like he didn’t actually listen to me.

I am writing to ask for insight regarding a long, emotionally destabilizing relationship that has deeply affected my mental and emotional wellbeing. I am 26 years old; my former partner is 25. This relationship began when I was 18. He was my first love. Over the years, we have repeatedly broken up and reunited, often after long separations. During those years, we both had other relationships, yet we consistently returned to each other. The bond has always been intense, cyclical, and extremely difficult to break.
For the last year, he has been living in my home. I agreed to this cohabitation hoping to finally repair the relationship and create stability. I invested emotionally, practically, and affectively. Despite this, his behavior remained inconsistent, emotionally volatile, and often hurtful.
Over the years, I have noticed a recurring cycle: when we are apart, he actively tries to win me back, often intensely and persistently; once we reconnect or he feels secure in having me again, he becomes emotionally distant, cold, dismissive, verbally cruel, or hostile; after another rupture, the cycle starts again. This has repeated many times.
During our cohabitation, I consistently showed affection and care. I cooked for him, made breakfast, offered closeness and physical affection, shared daily life, watched films with him, and tried to create a warm and safe environment. Despite this, he repeatedly stated that I had never given him affection or tenderness. This denial of reality has caused me enormous confusion and pain.
On one occasion, while I was away visiting relatives and he was alone in my house, he began messaging other women. When confronted, he justified it by saying he felt lonely. The messages were not explicitly sexual, but clearly showed a need for validation, reassurance, and attention from other women while still being in a relationship with me and living in my home.
He frequently alternates between devaluation and idealization. He has told me that I never truly loved him, never gave him anything emotionally, and that our relationship was fake. At other times, he says I am the most beautiful girl in the world, that he has never met anyone like me, and that he cannot imagine himself with anyone else. This contradiction has been constant.
There are also issues around sexuality and insecurity. I genuinely find him attractive, sexy, and charismatic, but when I express this he becomes angry and accuses me of lying. He often says he is ugly, that I do not enjoy sex with him, that he cannot satisfy me, and that he is inadequate physically. My reassurance never seems to change these beliefs.
He is frequently jealous and accuses me of wanting male attention, cheating, or manipulating men. He says “everyone says this about me,” which I know is untrue. He seems deeply uncomfortable with the fact that other people may find me attractive, oscillating between admiration and resentment. At the same time, he has sought attention from other women himself and has flirted openly in front of me, later minimizing it.
He insults me almost daily. He tells me I do nothing, that I am a failure, fake, disgusting, worthless, and that everything wrong in my life is my fault. He weaponizes my past trauma, my mental health struggles, and the difficult life I have had against me. He says everything I do is pathetic or terrible, then later denies meaning it or says he never thought that.
One night, while drunk, he broke my car and screamed “whore” and “slut” at me repeatedly — hundreds of times — in the middle of the night, in front of his mother. The police were called.
He often leaves me or says the relationship is over, then returns promising to change, apologizing, and saying he loves me. The promised change never lasts.
Living together has also been exhausting. When I ask him to clean or do his share in the house, I have to repeat myself many times before anything happens. When I become frustrated, he says I am crazy.
He constantly interrupts me whenever I try to explain my point of view. I often feel I am not allowed to speak, express pain, or communicate my feelings. If I tell him I am unwell or emotionally hurt, he may apologize, but often repeats the same behavior minutes later.
Recently, after a painful phase, I decided not to see him for one full week — something I had never done before. During that week, he wrote to me gently, apologized, said he loved me, and asked to see me when I felt ready.
When we met again, I was emotionally vulnerable and seeking comfort, but he was cold, hostile, and emotionally unavailable. After three days of no contact, he called me again. We met, had sex, and he told me he loved me. The following day there were renewed arguments and verbal cruelty.
That same evening, I wanted to attend a party with many mutual friends and wanted to go with him. He initially refused, drank several beers, insulted me, and called me names. I said I would take him home and go alone. Once in the car, he suddenly decided to come with me.
At the party, someone asked him if we were together, and he replied “no,” despite everyone knowing our history. Throughout the evening he ignored me. Later, he disappeared. I discovered he was walking home intoxicated and unstable, so I picked him up and took him home safely. He got out of the car without a word and left. I then returned to the party.
The following day, he told me I should not have gone to the party. When I expressed wanting to be with him and spend the night together, he refused and declared the relationship over. He has declared it “over” many times in the past, only to come back later.
Update now: today things escalated further. He heavily insulted me every day for the past weeks, calling me a failure, disgusting , uneducated, cheater, fake, that everything I am and i do is fake, stupid, a traitor, and many other degrading things. I asked him so many Times to stop saying stuff so mean, but he continuied between a Kiss and a guy during all the past days . Tonight I lost control and hit him, causing his nose to bleed. I feel deeply ashamed and guilty for what I did. This is not the first time I have reacted physically, although physical aggression from him has been rarer. During arguments, he sometimes pretends to hit me or makes boxing movements to provoke or intimidate me.
I want to acknowledge my own responsibility in this dynamic. I have not always been calm or regulated. I have been reactive, angry, intense, and at times aggressive. I know I can also be difficult in relationships and that I have participated in toxic dynamics. I do not see myself as blameless.
At the same time, I recognize that this relationship amplifies my worst reactions and leaves me emotionally dysregulated. Despite everything, I love him deeply and feel extremely attached. The idea of losing him feels unbearable, even while recognizing how harmful this has become.
This relationship has left me emotionally exhausted, confused, depressed, and destabilized. I struggle to trust my own perceptions and often feel the need to defend my reality. I have a previous history of depression, suicide attempts, and hospitalization. I had made progress, but now I feel everything is collapsing again.
I am considering leaving the country and undertaking a six-week spiritual retreat without phone contact in order to detach, regulate myself, and gain clarity.
My questions:
• Is he likely to return again based on this long-term pattern?
• What psychological dynamics might explain his behavior and our bond?
• Can either of us realistically change while staying in this relationship?
• Am I becoming abusive too?
• Was this ever love, or mainly trauma and unhealthy attachment?
• How can I move forward in a healthier way?
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would deeply appreciate any guidance.

Hello Reddit,

I’ll try to keep my situation short because I’m really confused and I need honest opinions.

I was recently involved with a girl. I actually wanted something serious with her, but since she didn’t, I accepted keeping it casual. Still, we agreed that even if it wasn’t serious, we would treat each other well and with respect — specifically, that we wouldn’t betray each other.

Recently, I found out that for about 3 months she had been talking to her ex. They were saying “I love you” to each other (I saw it with my own eyes), and according to what people say, they were meeting up every week. When I confronted her, she told me nothing physical happened, that she “didn’t mean it,” and that she did everything thinking about me.

Now she says she wants to change. She wants to promise me that she won’t do that again, that she’ll be faithful, and that she’s ready to actually commit — to respect each other, be honest, and not be unfaithful.

The problem is that I’ve completely lost trust in her. It hurt me a lot, and I don’t want to be hurt again. But at the same time, I miss her — the hugs, the good moments — and I keep wondering if she could actually change and prove that things could be different.

All my friends have been congratulating me for walking away and telling me I did the right thing. Meanwhile, she’s asking for another chance to show me everything she didn’t show me before and to make me happy.

We only have about two months left where we can actually see each other, so time is limited. I don’t know if I should just move on, spend that time with my friends, and keep going forward, or go back to her and see what happens.

I feel divided: part of me doesn’t want to go back because I know she could hurt me again, but another part of me misses being with her and wonders, “what if she really does change?”

Should I give her another chance, or is it better to stay firm and not go back? Is it too soon to trust her promises?

Thanks in advance — I’ll read all your advice.