r/AdultChildren

Mom drank for 30 years, mom bricked her liver. Mom is all fucked up - ascites, jaundice, and the rest of it. All of those symptoms -- she's got them all.

She wasn't especially abusive when I was a kid. As a teenager, the drinking made her selfish and stupid, not necessarily abusive.

She and my dad had formed a little self-reinforcing group of 2 very fucked up people who did all kinds of inappropriate things in front of their kids and in public, and she'd get him to smack me around when she was drunk and then she'd apologize the next morning when she was sober. Then do it again a week later.

Well, I called to wish her a happy Mother's Day, and she kept strongly hinting that she wanted my liver. "Happy Mother's Day, mom. Enjoy the gift card. Do you want anything else?" Her reply: "just a new liver, know anyone whose got one?" Then she listed all the people who couldn't or shouldn't or wouldn't give theirs, waiting for me to volunteer my own, which I didn't (and will not) do.

Then more hints. Why it shouldn't be my sister -- she has got a kid, she has got a bad knee. Her friends wanted to but were too old. Her sisters wont do it. Dad is too old. All the people who were not the perfect ones -- and then refusing to just ask for my liver. Dropping the hint and waiting for me to bring it up. F - U - C - K that. Bring it up yourself, and then suffer my denial, cuz I absolutely will not let an alcoholic harvest my organs -- ever.

And now, I am furiously pissed off. It takes a lot of effort to fuck up one's liver this bad. It took 30 years of daily drinking.

Just the tiniest bit of moderation is all it would take to not fuck up one's liver this badly. Drinking every other day, or every 2 days -- that's probably all it would take in most cases.

My dad has had a drinking problem for as long as I (29F) can remember. He started drinking after I was born, and aside from a few very brief stretches of sobriety, he was glued to the bottle pretty much constantly.

I left home at 19, and I still fight with the trauma to this day. Our house was always filled with screaming and slamming doors. You never knew what state or mood the house would be in when you walked through the door. He was a high-functioning alcoholic for most of it - he managed to keep his job for the majority of my life - but everything took a darker turn about five years ago. His drinking got worse, and his moods became so unstable that living with him was unbearable.

Despite all of this, he had his good moments. He was extremely funny, exceptionally smart, loved nature, and was wonderful with gardening and home projects. That's why, even though most of life with him was absolute hell, we still tried to support him until the very end.

Around five years ago, his health started failing. His liver was at constant war with him, he developed alcohol-induced diabetes, and he had occasional epileptic episodes whenever he tried to quit cold turkey. Then he lost his job. For the last three years he was unemployed - just drinking, sleeping, or fighting with my mother.

Last year it got so bad that, even though I lived two hours away, I had to travel home almost every week. I'd find him in different states of blackout - lying on the floor, vomit, piss, and feces everywhere. After those encounters and a very hard few months, I finally managed to get him into rehab at the end of last autumn.

We agreed on it together. Rehab was supposed to last three months. He promised to try, to stay, to fight. Instead, he kept that promise for two weeks before asking to come home. I begged, I promised, I cried, I fought. Nothing helped. He left. Before he even made it home from the bus, he already had a bottle of rum in his backpack - and went straight back to drinking like nothing had ever happened.

My mom left him after Christmas. She couldn't bear it anymore. I don't blame her. It wasn't a life anymore - it was constant struggle and fear.

From the new year, everything got worse: the confused episodes, the drinking, the gut problems, the blackouts. When he called, it was only to ask for money (he was still unemployed). I'd usually at least buy him food and cover his electricity and phone bills.

Then he fell. He broke and slashed his arm, but didn't go to the ER until it was already infected. He was given antibiotics but never bothered to actually pick them up from the pharmacy - he just kept drinking.

Then he fell again. My sister went to check on him on Monday because he wasn't picking up his phone. He was responsive, on the floor - but we had found him like that so many times that she wasn't alarmed. They had a brief conversation; he was naked and obviously drunk, so she left.

On Wednesday morning, I found him. Still on the floor. In a state I wouldn't wish on anyone to see. I was expecting this to happen - but in a few years. Not this fast. Not like this.

I feel so much sadness and guilt, but also anger. For the past two years I tried so hard to help. I got him into rehab. I took care of him as much as I could. I was so tired.

I never got the apology I was hoping for. I always hoped he'd be able to fight it - to at least somehow function like a human being again.

I'm worried I'll never get over this.

Alcohol is poison. My heart is with all of you still fighting. If you can, and if there's still hope, push them toward help. I truly wish no other child ever has to go through this.

Best of luck out there, friends.

Drunk dad, battered mom. Of my two older sisters, one became a vicious bully, and the other became our caretaker. When they both got old enough and ran, I became the caretaker to the youngest.

Part of me resents being left behind, but so grateful they got out when they could. I still don't speak with my sister, even though she's tried to amend things before. I guess I just don't understand why she chose to take it out on us, the only people who could understand what she was going through. Sometimes she was even scarier than my dad.

How did being raised by alcoholics change the dynamics between your siblings? Did you band together to survive? Did you turn on each other? How are your relationships with them now, in adulthood?

I've been noticing similarities between my adult relationships and the emotional environment I grew up in, which is honestly unsettling.

Did anyone else only recognize those repeated patterns much later?

I'm 32 going to be 33 in October , I have an amazing loving dad he was tough on me and beat the crap out of me as a kid but it was because he was a Vietnam vet and still struggled a lot so he was a drunk (he's changed a lot doesn't drink and is the best father and grandfather ever) I bring this up because I was talking to a friend earlier and she acted like it wasn't okay Obviously it's not okay to drink and drive but I never thought about it a lot , she was triggered I guess when I said he used to drink and drive along the side of canals with me on the side of the water , I was just so used to him picking me up from school with a beer I'm not traumatized by it but I was wondering if anyone else grew up like this? Parents drinking and driving with you.

I lost my Dad yesterday to alcohol addiction. His liver finally gave up and so did his kidneys. I'm crying all the time, only time I'm not is when I'm keeping myself busy. But then it hits again and again. Harder than the last. I loved my Dad unconditionally no matter his demons or addiction. That man will forever be my hero. I wasn't ready to lose him at 37 him just turned 60. I haven't slept since Monday night. Does it really get easier with time? All i keep saying to my partner I'm still a child that needs her Dad. I want him back. When I say I feel broken every part of me hurts. I was so close to offering a kidney knowing full well even this wouldn't help him either. I'd give half of everything inside me to hug him, speak to him, laugh and joke with him again. I'm in hell and it's only been under 24 hours. Just typing this and thinking of him I'm a emotional wreck.

Yesterday in the hospital all he kept saying don't listen to what the Dr's are saying I'm fine etc you know all the same stuff being said on the 1st 2nd hospital by ambulance administration. The third time was his last time. Why don't they stop drinking? Why don't they think of who they hurt by leaving behind people who adore them? I wanted old parents. Mentally this has ruined me. Ive lost loved ones before but the pain doesn't come close to a parent. My father was a constant part of my life for 37 years. Was he perfect outside being a father? No. It hurts so much. I don't want to close my eyes and see the last image of him laying there, yellow bloated etc. It kills me so so much knowing that is my last ever warmth image of my father. The haunt and taurment you can't even measure.

Does anyone just not care about their dead parents? I realize that, at some point, as adults, we have to assume responsibility for how we act in the world and how we choose to respond to life ...but at what point do you realize that you were never even given a fair shot at a normal life because of your addict parents?

Im tired of pretending to be sad that these two people who have completely destroyed my life even deserve a tear of sadness. They've both been dead for years, and I dont even care to visit their grave, nor do i care to have any of their possessions. i want to throw everything they've ever owned into a fire. I cry more every single day over my dead dog than I ever have over them.

This rage has really started to set in recently after i had to sort my mothers estate and found a bag of cocaine in her drawer. Growing up, I never understood what exactly was wrong with her because she was a master manipulator, and i was a dumb kid who fell for it. She claimed she had "nose cancer" when her nose collapsed after snorting coke likely every day.. claimed she had menopausal psychosis when she was actually withdrawing and had to go stay in an institution for a month....im sure her cocaine usage is what ultimately resulted in the brain aneurysm that killed her. Let's not even mention my gem of a father who got dui's and abused everyone and every pet in his path.

The rage I feel towards these two people is so unbearable that I've started to do exactly the same thing, use alcohol to cope. How do you ever overcome what they've done to you? I'm scared of therapy and feeling all of my emotions, so I just bury it all, but I'm not sure how much longer it can continue. Anyhow, thanks for reading. Just needed a vent.

My dad has a lifelong history of alcoholism and drug abuse, rooted deeply in childhood neglect. Raised by addicts, he spent his youth with an aunt and uncle who also struggled with severe substance abuse. By the age of 15, they were actively encouraging him to drink and use drugs. My mom and dad met at 16, and they had me when they were 19. My mom always said he never knew when enough was enough, he would end up in a terrible state every single time he drank. Throughout his life, he has always struggled to be fully happy with anything, as if a sense of true contentment was always out of his reach. Their 15-year relationship was incredibly messy, marked by his constant cheating and belittling, which eventually led to a chaotic breakup when I was 12. I was constantly caught in the middle of their arguments and subjected to inappropriate details about each parent.

Following the split, my dad moved in with a new girlfriend and continued to drink heavily. Around this time, he was diagnosed with a serious heart condition that required monthly medical checkups. Doctors strictly warned him to cut out alcohol and smoking, and to adopt a healthier lifestyle, or face imminent heart failure. For a while, he succeeded. He began exercising, cut down on his vices, and started dating a woman who genuinely pushed him to be better for himself and his children. He got his own place, decorated it nicely, and things were stable. I saw him three times a week. Yet, even during this good period, he couldn't find lasting happiness or peace. It was only when the women he dated were completely over him and out of his reach that he would suddenly find positive things to say about them.

Everything fell apart two years ago when they broke up. Even though he often complained about her and acted like he didn't even like her while they were together, she had been deeply devoted to him. Once she left for good, his perspective shifted, and he began romanticising her as someone who was far too good for him. Left isolated, depressed, and angry, his life spiraled. He began smoking cannabis to manage his anxiety, but his drinking quickly escalated. Today, his car and bins are overflowing with empty cans. He is constantly sluggish, exhausted, and has lost a significant amount of weight. His fridge is perpetually empty because he rarely shops for food.

Alongside the addiction, he has developed a severe hoarding disorder. His bedroom, utility room, and wardrobes are packed with random electronics, bags, and clutter he refuses to throw away, claiming he "might use them one day." His bathroom is completely unusable, blocked by a rotting, two-year-old Christmas tree and broken musical equipment.

The environment has become untenable. My autistic sister now acts out and refuses to stay there, which stresses him further. Out of a desperate fear of being alone, he is seeing a woman he has no romantic interest in. He completely refuses therapy due to a single bad experience in the past. He recently mentioned suicide to my mom, but she refuses to take it seriously due to her lingering resentment toward him.

I hate seeing him like this. I am dealing with my own struggles and working hard on myself, and I try to share my own self improvement strategies with him in the hope that it inspires him. Meanwhile, he is actively ignoring terrifying heart palpitations. I am living in constant fear that he will either die of heart failure or take his own life.

I don’t even know where to start. I’m exhausted.

My mom had a traumatic childhood — lost her parents very young, never felt loved, then went through a horrible first marriage where her in-laws rejected her completely. She eventually divorced, but not before having my older half-brother. All that pain turned her into a narcissistic, manipulative person in her second marriage (with my dad).

In our house, my half-brother was king. My mom put him above everyone — above my dad, above me and my siblings. My half-brother physically attacked my dad with a hot rod once, left a scar that’s still there. He got kicked out multiple times but always came back because he has nowhere else to go. My dad never got love or respect. It was always mom and half-brother running everything.

Eventually, my brother and I had to leave just to survive. The damage was already done though. One of my brothers developed depression, crippling loneliness, low self-esteem — and now bipolar disorder. When he was completely out of reality and in a mental health clinic, I was the only one there for him. I had just started a new job. I took leave to visit him, care for him, advocate for him. My team leader at the time was abusive about it — accused me of lying about being late, threatened to terminate me. I was so scared I tried rushing to work 20 minutes early every day to avoid more accusations, and I re-tore my ACL after 4-5 months of rehab. Needed surgery again. New team leader now, but the damage is done. I was running on no sleep, trying to care for my little family AND my brother.

And my family? Almost all of them are narcissistic now. They all appease my mom and half-brother no matter what.

Here’s the worst part: They lied that I raped my little sister. Let me repeat that. They fabricated a rape accusation against me. Why? To guilt-trip me, shame me, scare me into submission. The real reason: I got married without their permission. Before my marriage, I actually tried to include them — I convinced them to come with me to my wife’s family for the proposal. But they tried to sabotage it by creating an impossible situation around the mahr amount (their way or no marriage). They didn’t want the marriage to happen at all.

This is not the first time they’ve lied like this. They also falsely claimed someone raped my big sister after a failed marriage agreement. They lost that case in court.

When I got married, no one supported me. Not financially, not emotionally. I had to borrow money from people. I couldn’t even afford a wedding for my wife — and that still destroys me inside. I couldn’t give her that one thing she wanted. Meanwhile, my half-brother got a full wedding with everyone’s support.

I kept going back. Kept making up with them. But they never stopped belittling me, disrespecting me, gaslighting me, guilt-tripping me at every chance. Their expectations of me are unrealistic and cruel.

Now they’ve started on my wife. She has never done or said one bad thing to them. Before our marriage and after. But they disrespect her, hurt her emotionally, exclude her. My mom has a daughter-in-law now through my half-brother, and the difference in how they treat her versus my wife is night and day. Watching that kills me.

My own dad has turned against me because my mom has guilt-tripped, gaslit, and emotionally manipulated him too.

Sometimes I wish I never existed. Or at least that I never married my wife so she wouldn’t have to suffer because of me or my family.

I don’t know what I’m asking. Advice? Validation? Permission to finally stop trying? I just needed to write it all down.

TL;DR: Traumatic family history, mother and half-brother are dominant narcissists. Family falsely accused me of raping my little sister to control me over my marriage. No support for my wedding, now they’re mistreating my wife. I feel like disappearing.

P.s. I have 1 amazing little boys- 1 yr old and 2 and years old

For context: Original post

Our niece now spends all weekend with us. We've developed a great routine of Fri night movies, Sat club soccer games, and cooking Sun suppers together. The guest room is fully hers. She's made some disclosures but we're continuing to not push her for info. My husband now agrees with me. We're going to talk with her parents about letting her join us on a couple of summer trips; though we'd be perfectly happy to have her all summer, we're trying to make it easy for them to say yes. She's already planning itineraries. Our main goal is just to give her a safe space and adults she knows she can count on, but it is amazing how much joy she bring into our lives.

She also made Mother's Day magical and almost broke me. She's an incredible writer and wrote me the most thoughtful card I've ever received and a hilarious poem. She also made me a gorgeous glazed ceramic vase (with a sticky note reminding me that I can buy myself flowers/no need to wait on her uncle) and said the gift was from both her and my furbaby. This kid is amazing, and I just want her to have the freedom to grow into who she is meant to be.

I recently started going out with someone and we’re getting serious, that meaning she is part of a lot of the time of my day. The thing is I didn’t talk about the past I had with my father being an alcoholic and that I’m dealing with CPTSD. No one in my life knows that actually.

It’s easier for people to not know because I think most people don’t even care. But I do get triggered sometimes, and when this person is around me a lot, it’s hard having to chill out and pretend nothing is happening.

The topic never really did came up, but I think there is like a big stigma around having “daddy issues”. Most people joke about it, maybe considered something chronically online and not serious, if you guys understand what I mean. That’s one of the reasons I’m embarassed to talk about what I went through.

My town doesn’t offer meetings so I usually depend a lot on friends and family. Even if some of them don’t know what the issue is. Anyways I’m just wondering if this is something couples talk about or you just leave it in the past.

He just came over to help with some furniture and Im so annoyed by this stupid ahh smell and his stupid ahh jokes its so annoying just why looool and my mom is just enabling and staying quiet like this woman is also crazy she doesnt drink anymore but used to. I dont wanna judge but ho why just why all this?🙂🙏🏻

Hi all,

My spouse is an only child of an alcoholic mother. We spent the last 1.5 years caregiving for his Dad who had terminal cancer. His Dad was a lovely person, but had one large fault in that he never stood up to his wife's drinking or behavior or protected his son from it. He lived a "people make their own choices" kind of life. He passed away around 6 months ago and we are left with his 78yo alcoholic mother to care for. She has no other family and has a ton of alcohol related health issues (severe ulcerative colitis, neuropathy in her hands and feet, memory issues, easy bruising, sleep issues, occasional taste issues, etc.) This was definitely a path nobody expected since she was in such terrible health because of her addiction and he was active and fit for his age with no addiction issues.

She is a miserable, depressive, anxiety ridden person. She had a severely abusive childhood, so I understand the "why" of her addiction. She has "rules" around her drinking, she doesn't drink and drive, she doesn't start drinking til around 4pm each night. But nonetheless she is an addict who consumes 1-1.5 bottles of wine a night plus a number of glasses of brandy. When we see her during the daytime for lunch she still has the anxiety and depression issues, but is relatively pleasant to be around. But at night time when she is drunk it is terrible. She prefers we see her in the evening as this is the "hardest time for her", so we can only get away with lunch every other visit or so.

For financial reasons, we cannot go no-contact with her. We have been trying to set boundaries to make it more doable. We used to see her every weekend and are slowly having weekends off where we don't see her at all. The hope is that she will go to independent living at some point as she is barely able to care for herself now, but that seems highly unlikely given her inability to change or accept that she is old and has limitations. We absolutely will not live with her because of her addiction and abuse.

We saw her last night for Mother's Day and it was horrible. She spent the whole time saying how nothing makes her happy and she wishes she was dead. My spouse spent the time doing a bunch of chores for her which she belittled and harassed him through. When it came time to leave and I told her we wouldn't be seeing her next weekend as she had previously agreed to, she started crying and saying that we were abandoning her and were her only family and nothing at all helps except seeing us (which i find hard to believe because she is so miserable when we are there). We stuck to our guns and said we needed the weekend to ourselves and we would see her another time.

I came home extremely stressed, didn't sleep well and woke up pretty depressed about things. I told my spouse I wanted to ask her not to drink around us. He said they have tried everything before and any insinuation that she has a drinking problem leads to a full on meltdown. If it was not for the financial tie, I would love to set a harder boundary of "if you drink we leave" or go full on no-contact, but that isn't an option for us at this time.

I didn't grow up with this, this is my only experience with alcoholics. Is it worth it for me to try to talk to her? I don't want to make things worse for my spouse and I, and I don't want to waste my energy, but something needs to change.

My mom is 81 and lives alone 90 minutes away. I call her couple times a day but still worry what if she falls in between and lays there hours no one knows. Like that story I heard neighbours dad fell nobody found him till way later. I text check-ins but it's not the same. She says she's fine independent doesn't want to move or anything but guilt eats at me especially nights. Can't afford to visit more right now either.

For about the past few years, I've drank heavily on occasions (occasions meaning every weekend or every other day) drinking alone in my room, drinking and driving and such. I need help and I know I do. My mother divorced my father when I was 8-9, then moved across the water too Europe with her now husband. Spotty relationship, havent talked to her in a year. Its taken a toll on me, hence my substance abuse and alcohol problem. I go throught about 8-10 beers a night, a 5th of whiskey on a good saturday, and about a 30 rack a weekend. I think i have a problem for my age, I do online school and work full time for my dad who owns a business. I want to quit but no clue how too since I've functioned with substances and alcohol since I was 13.

Ask Anything, Say anything.

My crutch from literally around 4/5 years old was food. I would eat in secret and would feel enormous shame, but it was the thing that kept me going, looking back. Both my parents were unsafe and food was my constant.

Nowadays, I've done so much healing but I'm still overweight because of the overeating.

Can we heal from this? Has anyone?

I've done a lot of nervous system regulation and I am much less anxious, but still this problem remains

I’m writing this with a very heavy heart because I’ve come to a painful realization. No matter what you achieve, no matter how hard you work, or how much you grow—nothing can truly fill the void left by a missing parent and a mother who is selfish and hurtful.

Being fatherless was hard enough, but having to navigate life with a mother who doesn't provide the love or safety a child needs is a different kind of pain. Now that I’m an adult, it feels like the world expects me to just "be okay," but nobody understands that the foundation was never there.

You can earn everything in the world, but you can’t "earn" the parental love you missed out on. It’s a specific kind of grief that stays with you even when you try to move forward. I look at the idea of having kids one day, and it feels so complicated because I never had the blueprint of what a loving home looks like.

Does anyone else feel like they are just performing being an "adult" while carrying a hole in their heart that nothing seems to fix? How do you cope with the realization that the people who were supposed to love you most just... didn't

Used AI to correct grammar

In my early 20s still living at home with my boomer parents. I pay for my own gas, phone, groceries, rent, do whatever chores/errands I’m asked of, and rarely ask for anything from them, but I’m still financially dependent for things like health insurance and car payments (I don’t own a car I use their spare one). I’m trying to get another job and make a plan to move out by the end of the year.

I’m much more introverted than my parents and basically spend most of my time in my room. I’m an artist as well, so ofc most of my time is spent drawing and doing art commissions and working on my youtube channel so hopefully that can be my main thing one day. I love being independent and am happiest when I’m alone, but for some reason they see this as a problem and are constantly trying to force me out of my space. My mom set a new rule that I need to spend at least 1 hour every day outside (I’m in my 20s mind you), which, as someone who doesn’t even hate being outside so long as I choose to, has killed any motivation for me to actually do it. She’s also threatened to raise my rent over things as small as getting a tattoo (I got my first one last year without telling her and she acted like I got pregnant or something.) she also still forces me to go to church (even tho I’m an atheist now) and has also tried to pressure me into voting for certain people and (half?) joking that she’d kick me out if I didn’t. Plus I went my entire teen years having depression and adhd but she refused to take me to a therapist until I was 18 because she was more concerned about whether the therapist would be a Christian rather than her own daughter’s mental health.

The going outside thing was the last straw for me because she literally said “it’s not an option” and now I’m worried if she actually means it that it’ll mean higher rent if I refuse to do it. I want to draw the line not because I’m a hermit and don’t want to be outside, but because I don’t want my parents to think they can control my day just because I’m their child. I’m fine with having responsibilities while living at home but this in particular really pisses me off.

I’m aware I probably have things much better than most people, but I absolutely hate it here and want to get out asap, but until then I know I need to grow a spine and talk to them but I’m scared to and don’t know how.

Is it just me or does anybody else have a stepmom or stepdad that they don’t call their stepmom or stepdad? They just called them either their dad‘s wife or their mom‘s husband when speaking on them?

I have never called anyone my mom besides my mom and I have never called anyone my dad besides my dad, because no one besides them has been that to me considering the Mom and the Dad that I have themselves weren’t very good at being a mom and dad.

It’s mostly my dad’s wife.. I won’t even call her by name. Not even when speaking to her in person. She gets a hey, you!, from me. I just can’t allow someone to have that kind of accolade, when she has been the root cause of my mental, and emotional issues growing up from all of the psychological warfare she created inside that house.

So, is it just me? Or.. is there anyone who can relate?

Coping using humor, only other adult children will find this funny so I'm posting it here. So here is a little break from the heavy posts with a story that is a little messed up but still funny.

My mom is a long time alcoholic and I'm really into wellness so I dragged her along with me to get some reflexology done. If you don't know what that is, foot reflexology is a practice where specific points on the feet are massaged to help promote relaxation and support the function of different organs and systems in the body. If they massage a spot and it's sore, or hurts, or makes you wince, there could be trouble with that organ. For example, one of my toes was bothering me during the service and I looked at a reflexology map, and the area belonged to the sinus. Which was scary accurate because I've had a lot of sinus infections in my life.

Anyways, in the middle of getting this done next to eachother, my mom yells "OWW" unexpectedly. The Vietnamese man performing the service on her says casually "Lye-Ver" in his accent. My mom is confused, looks to me and whispers "lye-ver" trying to decipher what that could mean. I say back, "Mom, LIVER" and her eyes go wide. I then laugh because he clocked her tea not even knowing she's an alcoholic.