r/slaa

I have been sober in AA 10 years, worked the SLAA steps in my first year and am in a healthy loving marriage, did ACA and AlAnon thought I was good.

I’ve been in therapy on and off my whole adult life but got into negative maternal transference with a couple of older women therapists that I couldn’t get out of.

My dad died suddenly two years ago and I decided to try working with a male therapist. Terrible idea. I picked someone off Psychology Today who was my age and attractive. I told myself I wasn’t attracted to him but he was my type and in retrospect I was into him from the moment I did my intake.

The first year and a half were ok because I was so deep in grief I wasn’t thinking about sex but the minute I started recovering from the grief I developed the most brutal romantic and erotic transference with him. We were doing psychodynamic/gestalt therapy where the relationship with your therapist *is* the work so he encouraged me to disclose the romantic feelings so we could process.

Unfortunately for me he had bad boundaries and unmanaged counter transference. He clocked all of my behaviors pretty well but he fed the dynamic.

He described me as ‘siren like’ and said that his mind ‘went places’ with me. I told him I resented not being able to sleep with other people because I was married and he said he felt the same way. It was like my ultimate dream, the unavailable/forbidden person finally picking me and wanting me. I described it to him as feeling like pure heroin. I was obsessed with him, thinking about him every day and fantasizing about him. Then he freaked out and pulled way back, got really cold and distant with me. I ended up terminating over email because I was so freaked out.

It’s been a month now and I am working with a new female therapist, specifically on the transference , finally starting to think about him less but the first week it felt like physical withdrawal, I couldn’t eat or sleep and my poor husband was comforting me while I was crying over this guy like a teenager. We are good now, but mainly because he doesn’t know how obsessed I was. Even consciously knowing that my therapist was unethical I still want him. My new therapist is asking me if I want to file an ethics complaint and I don’t. I am still fantasizing about reaching out to him.

I never thought I was. Even though I’ve cheated emotionally and or physically in all long term relationships bar one (current)…

So that would be from the time I was 19 to 33: 3 long term relationships messed up and what I would call tail chasing sprees in between.

I have been accused (?) of being one in the past, but I didn’t feel like I was truly addicted to sex. And I might not be.

The truth is, I love the attention of women. I deeply want to know I’m wanted. Desired.

And for me, nothing hits that spot like attention and / or sex with a woman who is physically and emotionally interested in me.

And now I’m married to an amazing, beautiful woman. And she’s pregnant with our first child.

(I did text some exes early on [of course] she called me out and I got my head right).

I love my wife - I’ve never been happier than when I am with her. I have a good job, a great relationship, a few good friends.

And I do not want to fuck this up.

I guess it’s worth mentioning I am an adult child of an alcoholic. And a survivor of CSA (not family). I’m sure that all plays a part.

I’ve been in therapy on and off and have found it very very helpful. I am a better man and have better relationships with everyone in my life as a result.

But I’ve been looking at some of the comments and threads here and I am seeing some of myself in them. Chasing exes. Workplace flings. Misconstrued ideas. Validation seeking.

Sometimes I feel like I would be okay to throw everything away for another spree of chasing tail. And sometimes in the past it has felt like it’s almost another person acting on my behalf - like I’m observing myself.

Just locking eyes with the girl a few offices down who holds eye contact longer than other women … boy oh boy: What a rush.

Is she into me? I have no idea. But in my head she wants me and that feels good.

And to be fair, that’s a learned behaviour on my part. I feel like I know that look because I’ve seen it before and I’ve acted on it and it’s played off “in my favour”.

I’m not going to act on it. But the feelings are there and sometimes feel like they take up more space in my head than I would like. The itch hangs around.

Until now I’ve wondered if it’s actually my self-esteem issues driving my behaviour and desire for validation.

Is this post just validation seeking? Probably. I don’t know.

If you read this far, thanks.

I guess I want to know what other people who know more about this than me think about what I’ve shared.

Is it possible to live a “normal”, happy life if you have this bug? Is there a risk this bug can turn into other addictions?

SLAA was my first and then I got into ACA since it seems being an adult child is at the root, at least for me, of my acting out behaviour.

Curious to know who came from another fellowship into SLAA or if you've turned elsewhere after being in SLAA - please share.

I have been working with my current sponsor for 2 years

Just fresh in a relapse where I was having casual sex with random one night stands and multiple partners

I also decided to get sober from drugs and alcohol and one month sober in AA

Both my AA sponsor and slaa sponsor want me to stop having sex and go no contact with Qualifiers and stop pursuing men

I DONT WANT TO. Its making me want to quit program entirely even AA and go back out

I have stopped acting out with multiple partners I have one sexual partner right now like a fwb that's going okay for me and I feel okay

I hate wrestling with my desire to stop and be in this program

I hate it. Should I just stop slaa and focus on AA?

This might be the wrong place for this, but what do you think is a trigger that more average people have that makes them think about sex or porn? Is it normal to have all the triggers an addict does but just act differently on them? I appreciate any input and thoughts about how to mitigate the process from tigger to acting out

I’ve been in SLAA for 2 years, withdrew from a qualifier, went no contact, finished the steps, have since been in therapy, had my first sober healthy relationship, built a good life with lots of supports and tools. And I’m still not over my qualifier.
She was my best friend. We talked every day. She told me I was the only one who understood her. It was platonic though complicated, enmeshed, intimate, codependent relationship. Then she abruptly cut contact, saying she would be back. She never came back.

Last year we had one unexpected run-in, met up once, I made an amends, hugged and seemingly “made up” and since then nothing. I guess I had the expectation (I know, not the point of an amends) she would want to foster some type of relationship with me because of the experience and connection we shared.

If I’m being rigorously honest, I’ve spent a year hoping I run into her again and acting out (privately) in ways I’m not proud of. The urges have significantly dampened, especially after we met in person last year I had a sense of closure. But now, I don’t understand why almost a year after seeing her in person the withdrawal feels like it’s back after it went away for over 6 months. Or wasn’t this strong.

I just miss my friend. And I can’t tell the difference anymore between grief and the addiction talking.

Has anyone been here? How did you get through it? Why does this feel like latent withdrawal? What is going on?

My husband is in SLAA and thinks every woman is interested in him. (This has been a huge problem at his work, and he usually goes to men’s meetings) but tonight we attended an ACA meeting (where many women were present and shared they were also in SLAA) and he said he thought they were all interested and “advertising” themselves to him. Now to me- that’s INSANE. He’s never these women, they don’t know he’s in SLAA, so the fact that he took multiple (different) women’s shares as them “advertising” themselves to him is so delusional I don’t know how to even talk to him. This sees beyond just what he calls “the disease” of SLAA and into some kind of disconnection with reality.

Is this something that is common in SLAA or is this something closer to a mental health/medication issue?

I'm a VERY happily partnered person, my partner is my real best friend and soul mate. We've so connected.

But after my partner, my 'bestie' for many years has been a person who recently realized they are a S&L addict, and we're so proud they started their path to sobriety!! They just earned their one week chip, and we're all so proud of them!!!

For many years, I've been a source of "sub-clinical flirtation". I can honestly remind them how wonderful they are, how brilliant they are, and how trad-hot they are without ever having any actual hint of temptation towards doing anything boundary-violating. I'm way older, happily partnered, I don't want anything but for them to be happy with themeselves

My question is this:
Is is HEALTHY for me to be reminding someone in SLAA that they are attractive while they're going sober?
Or is that exacerbating their condition and I should instead be distracting them during their first week of sobriety?

(obviously, I asked my friend, but they don't know what's best. )

My bf (24M) and I (24F) have been dating for 5 years now. During that time we have both found out we are alcoholics and are currently in recovery. We make a conscious effort to keep our own programs our own and separate from our relationship to decrease the chances of developing codependency (which we have consistently struggled with).

I am recently discovering i have a love addiction. I have always escalated the time line of my relationships and let them become all consuming. I recently had an affair with a coworker (who’s married with 2 kids). I let the validation and attention rule my life. I feel like i never really liked him but more so was chasing the feeling he gave me. It was constant texting and finding ways to see each other during the work day and led to us having sex. I was able to make excuses for myself before something physical happened but once it did i knew i had to come clean to my bf. Telling him the truth felt like the only way for me to stop.

This was now 3 weeks ago and im still having a hard time conveying to him how this addiction works. I was hoping that his time in AA would help him understand but he can’t see the similarities. He says he wants to work it out, go to therapy, and do what it takes to rebuilt trust and i want that too. Any advice on how to help him understand my headspace at the time and be able to rebuild trust would be appreciated!

25 F looking for a cisgender female sponsor in her late 20s or 30s. The reason i am looking for a young sponsor is because i fail to resonate with people in their 50s and 60s, no offence, but i feel like at that age, i would anyway be sober because i'd probably have children and even grandchildren and not to forget, the menopause in late 40s. i wonder what my sex drive would be. i wonder if i'd still be interested in talking about life with random people late nights, if i'd still feel the throes of withdrawal when my partner is not around.

P.S. - Not trying to dismiss the journey of people in their 50s, 60s, not in the least.

Anyway, i am looking to hear the stories of people who started their journey of sobriety early on. i am tired of people telling me that i am pretty young, sometimes it makes me want to delay my sobriety, makes me want to do some more scandals before i begin my journey and i really do not want to fall into this trap. I want to learn how to love normally. I want to overcome this addiction.

Language - English

Concerns - a mix of love, validation and fantasy addiction with a scoop of sexual and emotional anorexia, i am an Adult child and perhaps even a co-dependent (not sure) so i am all over the place when i am with someone, my life begins to run on autopilot and i can't focus on anything. I exhaust myself so much emotionally that i get burntout.

Basically, i feel suffocated, i feel like i won't be able to focus on my life

As I have been watching porn since I was an early teen, I quickly got addicted to the novelty. Then, upon discovering of "cruising" (anonymous sexual encounters between gay men in public places), it got even worse. Cruising and ever escalating hardcore pornography (including a period where I found underage materials and then some pretty realisitcally looking materials of people being drugged) made me desensitized. I started putting myself in dangerous situations where I could get abused and forced by other men, I was pretending to be drunk in the clubs and was going to dangerous cruising spots.

Now I'm more than five months sober. At times, I feel like I'm not made for relationships as I look at all the men passing by, immediately imagining some porn/cruising scenario. I keep trying to remove the thought of "i'm young, i can do that and get better later" but it's very hard, even though I know that if I go, I'll want to be used by someone that can harm me.

I feel helpless, I'm going to 12 steps meetings, I have a sponsor and I have a therapist but the voice in my head saying "YOU'RE YOUNG, IT'S NORMAL TO KEEP DOING THAT" or "maybe you were born to be like this" is at times louder than anything else. I want to be seen, wanted, desired. I want someone to lose their mind and not be able to control themselves around me, to want me in any place.

It's too much for me. I really don't know what way is right, maybe it's just what society wants me to do. I really don't know if I can do it, if I can get better.

Has anyone discussed disclosure of our SL addiction with potential partners in the context of sober dating? For example when is the right time to tell someone our history and how much detail to give? As someone new to sober dating I’m wondering how to navigate this. Thank you!