What I hate most of all is that me-sized hole in the world. The relationships I should’ve grown and cherished. The family I was supposed to help. The friends I was meant to hold onto. The career and purpose I might have fulfilled. All the little ways I would spread love and contribute to my community. When I leave this world I hope that hole disappears too. I hope the world forgets the role I was supposed to play in it.
I’ve lost the fire to scream into the void, I’ll gain it back soon.
I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t do the normal things a human does like get to work on time, and I was doing all of those things until somehow my body was somehow dragged to the ocean floor by this deadweight anchor.
Why is this happening again? I was doing so well. Until I wasn’t.
The numbness has encapsulated my body. I feel despair and hopelessness and restlessness at the same time. And devoid of joy.
Maybe I’m not as adaptable as I would like to believe. Maybe I’m not as productive as I thought. Maybe I can’t do it “all” and still be okay. Maybe my body needs a safe place to rest. Maybe my soul yearn for more, but my practical reality keeps me firmly chain to my corporate prison.
Maybe, maybe, maybe…
Or maybe it’s just time to break the chains and fly away.
I fucking like this subreddit, thanks to whoever made this
I understood this might happen, and it took me way too long to finally say what I needed to say. I realized that something was wrong. I assumed it was because of what I was going through. Maybe it is. I knew though this couldn’t go on with me pretending nothing’s wrong.
I wanted it to be you, I wish I could have been who you wanted me to be. But I am not. Every step towards healing was a step away from you, and a step closer to me.
I can't help myself but into you so deep. I love you. I love you. I love you.
But I don't wanna break our balance. I don't wanna bother you. I don't wanna make you confused. You have your own life, And me too. I need to focus on my academic learning trying to find a great job, make a lot of money. So that I can come around to you. To see you touch you feel you in person.
But plz before we meet each other don't fall in love with anyone else. Plz Plz Plz.....
And again
And again
And again
You’re so timid. One day you’re bold then you pull away. If the tide was afraid of the sand it would move a lot like you my friend.
First bits first, she’s aromantic, and I knew that going into this relationship but I guess I didn’t think on how that’d affect me. Like on the one hand I knew going in I’d probably never hear the words “I love you” detected at me, to her dogs sure but never to me. In a wild out there exaggerated way I guess this is a bit of a religious experience, call me Icarus for she is the sun, I’ve flown to close and now my wings must melt and I fall to the ground. That sun goddess whose smile is the radiant dawn and whose laughter is the twinkling of stars that I’ve gazed upon so longingly, worshiped fervently, looks impassively at my pain. I was raised to serve the ones I love, to ask only what else can I do to bring them joy, and to hide any pain and suffering I’m going through since it’s a sign of weakness. Problem is I’m also kinda dumb, like I’m almost 40 and will likely never own a house because nobody told me the path I should’ve been on was multiple jobs, like if I’d been working 2-3 jobs simultaneously for the past 20 years I’d be exhausted but probably able to afford a place. A place where she could live.
Then today she hits me with a text “Hey. Would it be okay to maybe not get a pun anymore? I’ve sat with my feelings on it for a while and have realized I find it annoying that you’re not messaging me anything with more substance. So no more puns please.” For context I’ve sent her a pun about every other day for a little over 3 years. And apparently I got her the wrong flowers for Valentine’s Day. One of our friends suggested I get her some and sent 2 pics, what I didn’t know was she’d sent them those pic specifically looking for either of those two bouquets. Well I guess I didn’t see either of those at the store and snagged one that was closest in appearance. Now gfs not really a flower girly in the first place but this incident has put her off flowers completely.
I know I’m being hard on myself and that things, while currently bad, will eventually look up but damn does it hurt. And that little scumbag living in my brain is having a heyday whispering in my ear how worthless and useless I really am.
It’s okay that no one gets it. The moment you finally get a reply from someone you’re into, and the fear that follows.
Because if you never open the book again, the story ends there, right?
Maybe I get to imagine what happens next. Maybe it’s things working out. Maybe he never has to experience heartbreak again. Or maybe time stays frozen in place. He sits motionless, smiling at a phone screen, the glow from a street lamp barely illuminating the dark room, thinking of what to say back. Butterflies thump around his chest until the end of time.
The guilt I feel about this is crazy. It’s been a month since it happened and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was so pissed at you, so so pissed at what you texted me. It wasn’t anything to be really pissed about but it was just something about it that got to me. Felt like someone stabbed my heart. I thought I meant nothing to you. Just a “good distraction” from your job? What the fuck did you mean by that?
Do you know how hurt, confused and angry I was?? After being friends for so long, to having feelings for you, checking up on you, caring for you, loving you from a distance. Yeah that fucking hurt. And so it began. At first, I was confused on what you meant, but the more I kept thinking about it, I switched between confusion and anger. And the same question would come to mind and drive me crazy “What did he mean by he “needed a good distraction because of work” and then saying before that how he’d would prefer that I was actually there with him?” “Is it a good thing or a bad thing?” Sweetheart I was so so so confused like the text was so vague.
Anger won this round. I questioned you, your feelings for me cussed at you once. Little do I know, that “fuck you” would be my demise. You tried to explain yourself then you apologized for your communication skills and then had the nerve to decide to tell me that “ I’ll just leave you alone” as you put it and apologize again before blocking me?
I realized too late. Too late that you cared for me, that I was important to you. That you wanted me by your side. That you needed me by your side.
If this were a phone call, if this turned out differently, if we’d just fucking communicate for 5 more minutes instead of me being pissed at you and you shutting me the hell out, I wouldn’t be screaming so loud into the void but guess what? I am, and damn I wish I could just see you and explain to you in person because this is absolutely killing me how much I possibly hurt you and ruined something so special, so important, so real. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am and how much regret I have for saying that to you. There’s so much I want to say to you, so much I want to tell you.
You mean so much to me you don’t even know. I’ve suppressed a lot of my feelings for you when we talked, but now that you’ve left, well I’ll just scream them out. All the pent up, anger, lust, love, care, and affection that I have for you until I can feel again.
And well, let’s just say that this is going to be a very long healing process. Thank god that I can scream into the void.
People say they want real until they get it. Once they get it, it’s too intense, too much, overwhelming. I know people don’t want real. They think they do, but what they want is a water down diluted version of what real is because anything more than that is too complex for them to unravel or understand, especially if they can’t even sort out their own feelings.
I’ve poured my heart out to people. It overwhelms them.
And maybe the way I feel things isn’t so much different than the way other people do, maybe it’s just Explained in great detail everything that I experience whether it be feelings or something pleasant that’s caught my eye or something irritable. I experienced things in something far beyond high definition. I have my entire life.
I think whatever it is, that’s responsible for that part of my brain comes from the same place that my artistic inclinations come from.
And if me pouring my heart out that way overwhelms a romantic interest, I do not feel bad about it. I mean, don’t get me wrong. It bums me out, but I definitely wouldn’t want somebody to stick around if they couldn’t handle that part of me.
There are, however, very few people that I’ve freely offered that up for. Part of me wonders if those people who received that for me, well, I wonder if they ever understood how comfortable they felt to my soul.
It’s funny how sometimes I can meet somebody and instantly feel like I’ve known them for forever. It’s not everyone. It’s funny that I’ve met more people that have felt like that in the last year than I probably have in my entire life. I’ve questioned it but after everything that I’ve experienced, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s just a strange coincidence that they all happens to be around me during this period.
But I’ll tell you nothing ignite my soul more than when somebody actually enjoys the way I experience the world around them. I’ve met very few who actually tell me that they like it and those people have no idea how good they make me feel about just being mean, something that I really needed the world can be messed up. I think it’s important to focus on those things that bring us joy, that we find beautiful, or even just bring on complex emotions.
Most people stifle what they want to say or are overly mindful of how they express themselves because they don’t want to be offensive. Or they’re worried about rejection.
Wow, if you aren’t real, that’s all I got left because I’ve come to the conclusion that if anybody rejects me for that they don’t belong in my life
So be mindful if it’s real that you want, then except the real that you get but if it’s just a reality that conforms to whatever it is, you got going on in your life, it’s not real that you want. It’s comfort and validation.
Here I am again,checking,hoping ,chasing shadows of you. Looking for just a crumb,but there isn't. A miss you, a shadow, I hate you, a shadow. Tortured,absolutely. A slow, painful, existence I'm bearing. In this status,I could never share myself,not my heart. I couldn't fathom. This pain,yeah I earned it. Complain, not worth it. Forever sorry,wasn't worth it! For anything I ever did. Still not worthy! Not even a moment.
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive I'd wish I were dead
— John Prine
Ohh boy why did I do it. i was so strong too. and in my moment of weakness, I faltered, bruised my ego, and hurt myself in the process. maybe i'm a mess.
Of being navy blue is no one can take you hue....
IYKYK.
I bought your birthday gift, last year. I still have it. But can’t bring myself to give it to you. Hell, you won’t even give me a gift you bought for me, back to me. In fact. You have all of the gifts you bought me. (Minus the massage chair).
But I’m not holding onto it for petty reasons. It’s a very simple gift. Hell, it wasn’t even very expensive. But the amount of thought, effort, research, and the message behind it would fall upon deaf ears that would not only choose to ignore its significance, but would also mock me. Mock me for being thoughtful and genuine. (I heard you called me desperate and sad to a few people.)
Also, not to mention.. yesterday, I was enjoying my day downtown for a bit, when I was swiftly reminded of how often you lied to me.
An acquaintance of ours (mostly yours), asked me if the reason I left, was because of all of your promiscuity.
Funny, right?
Hint: you told me multiple times you fantasized about him.
So what should I do?
I tried to call you today to see if we could grab a bite to eat and a beverage to wash it down with so I could give you this gift and wish you a happy birthday. That was all. Just kindness.
But you didn’t answer. You claimed you were with “clients”. Whether that’s true or not? 🤷♂️ idk.
You used “clients” as an excuse to meet people behind my back multiple times too, from what I hear.
You called back. I didn’t answer. I had already lost the desire to just want to do something for you to make you happy with no strings attached.
Enjoy your birthday, poo-poo head. I’m sure your friends have something amazing planned.
They’re probably already at the Red Door waiting for you.
I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. These issues affect my work ethic and keep me employed. I only work for me on assignments. My focus and energy are not the result of meth usage; some people have developed this from living a stressful life.
Quit asking for meth and sober up!