u/bodab03

The guilt I feel about this is crazy. It’s been a month since it happened and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was so pissed at you, so so pissed at what you texted me. It wasn’t anything to be really pissed about but it was just something about it that got to me. Felt like someone stabbed my heart. I thought I meant nothing to you. Just a “good distraction” from your job? What the fuck did you mean by that?

Do you know how hurt, confused and angry I was?? After being friends for so long, to having feelings for you, checking up on you, caring for you, loving you from a distance. Yeah that fucking hurt. And so it began. At first, I was confused on what you meant, but the more I kept thinking about it, I switched between confusion and anger. And the same question would come to mind and drive me crazy “What did he mean by he “needed a good distraction because of work” and then saying before that how he’d would prefer that I was actually there with him?” “Is it a good thing or a bad thing?” Sweetheart I was so so so confused like the text was so vague.

Anger won this round. I questioned you, your feelings for me cussed at you once. Little do I know, that “fuck you” would be my demise. You tried to explain yourself then you apologized for your communication skills and then had the nerve to decide to tell me that “ I’ll just leave you alone” as you put it and apologize again before blocking me?

I realized too late. Too late that you cared for me, that I was important to you. That you wanted me by your side. That you needed me by your side.

If this were a phone call, if this turned out differently, if we’d just fucking communicate for 5 more minutes instead of me being pissed at you and you shutting me the hell out, I wouldn’t be screaming so loud into the void but guess what? I am, and damn I wish I could just see you and explain to you in person because this is absolutely killing me how much I possibly hurt you and ruined something so special, so important, so real. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am and how much regret I have for saying that to you. There’s so much I want to say to you, so much I want to tell you.

You mean so much to me you don’t even know. I’ve suppressed a lot of my feelings for you when we talked, but now that you’ve left, well I’ll just scream them out. All the pent up, anger, lust, love, care, and affection that I have for you until I can feel again.

And well, let’s just say that this is going to be a very long healing process. Thank god that I can scream into the void.

The feelings I harbor for you. Do I suppress them? How I nervously said “I like you,” and how you reciprocated them so calmly? Oh, the relief I felt when you said those words back to me, I swore I felt fireworks. I was trying to comprehend, in that moment, how someone like you has feelings for someone like me. And you explained it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. How I was easy to talk to, sweet, caring, how I made you feel normal and valued. How have you been feeling like this for so long? Holding back these feelings from me for a year? Mindblowing. And I felt immense pride and joy that I was able to make you feel that way for so long. 

The conversations we had. Should I delete them? How we’d talk about everything and anything? We’d text as if time wasn’t there. Our conversations were so wonderful, so sinful, so much so that I’d read them over and over again. How they’ve made me laugh, made me smile, made me feel warm inside. I’d crave for the next day to come as we’d say goodnight to each other.

The dreams I had of you? The fantasies? Do I dismiss them? Of you kissing me so slowly, so carefully? Of you holding me so tightly, touching me so softly. Of your voice whispering the sweetest, most wickedest things in my ear. Of us being together, being in the same space as each-other? They had my heart racing in the middle of the night, waking up in a sweat, wanting more of you, more of your presence.

Our friendship. Should I forget that? How we were able to confide in each-other? The way you comforted me, cared for me, consoled in me, leaned on me for advice when you needed it the most? When I needed it the most? Told each other about our favorite things, shared jokes, pleasant conversation as our friendship slowly, but surely, strengthened throughout the years. 

Am I expected to forget these things about us, about you? Or do I let these precious memories fade, just like our bond currently is each passing day I’m not able to speak to you? Move on? I wish. And quickly at that? Please, let’s be realistic here.

Well, you tell me Sweetheart, what exactly am I supposed to do with all this love I have for you?

Painfully yours, 

Darling