r/dpdr

genuinely don't know what it is like to feel real anymore and can't imagine what it's like to not have derealisation. I feel like if this condition ever goes away, I'd totally be freaked out by reality cos in a way I forgot what that feels like a long time ago. I question everything and I get so bothered when I have to leave my apartment.

I always hear that I need to feel safe, in order to come out of this state. but how do you do that when your system has locked you out from any feeling at all? I used to feel cozy in my bed. I felt the weather around me. I felt a warmth and love from friends. I felt seasons changing. I had different moods each day, and in response to things around me. I have 0 feeling in my body, I cannot even remember what sensation / emotions/moods feel like. how can you feel safe when you have no body?

im so tired of living in this body that doesn’t want me to live. I miss traveling so much, i miss feeling myself. I miss being carefree. I miss being human. I even miss my childhood because it felt like mine. I’m so dissociated and numb, I haven’t even had a panic attack in 3 years. my life has shrunk down to absolutely nothing. can’t even workout, or do anything i used to love. there’s no me. no life. no person.

the danger is gone. I don’t know how to show myself im safe when im numb and can’t even feel my own body.

I don’t want to die but I feel like there’s no way out of this torture. My brain is torturing me. I don’t understand how I lived my life up until now without this feeling and these fears. I want to live. I don’t want to feel like this forever. My life feels completely different now. It’s like I’ve opened a door I can’t close. And now that it’s happened I can’t forget it or move on from the experience. I feel like I’m going crazy all the time. I am so fucking upset. I feel like I’ve died already.

I kind of want to demystify DPDR and see if anyone else has experienced something similar. This is more of the stress-induced kind

When it started, I remember the week before feeling this intense head pressure due to academic and emotional stress. I felt like giving up so I let the head pressure built up in the moments that followed. A few days later, I noticed visual snow and had a panic attack. I went to sleep and upon waking up, experienced anxiety for the first time of my life — my legs were restless, I couldn’t close my eyes without experiencing rushing thoughts, and my body simply couldn’t relax in bed (I’m a lazy person and would spend a lot of time cozied up in bed so this one scared me especially).This continued for weeks and then I experienced another stressful moment and felt the intense head-pressure again but this time had a panic attack and derealization

But now I’m experiencing something different. It’s the opposite of head-pressure, I feel relief when it happens and then my head feels warm and fuzzy. And I feel more grounded in my body and relaxed. But it’s a strange feeling and it’s a release of head pressure. And of course there are visual improvements like the visual snow going away and things appearing more life-like. I feel less floaty and more grounded.

But this was definitely stress induced because I’m set to graduate in a few weeks and I’m done with end of years things like a capstone project so the finish line feels close

I’ve lived in this utter hell for so long that there’s no way back to a normal life. every single day is pure agony. I hate being alive. the most simple things i used to enjoy, a morning coffee, the sunshine, the smell of summer, the thrill of a trip. it’s all gone. I don’t want to keep living like this, it takes every ounce of my energy to do the most basic things.

my body and mind have turned on me. the trauma of the past haunts me every night in my sleep. not one doctor or therapist has been able to help me after 4 years of trying. every medication, every trauma podcast. every day is the same cycle. I am miserable. I live to pay bills, and have no joy or purpose in my life. I even stopped going to the gym or doing anything I enjoy because there’s absolutely no reward or feeling, there’s no sensation or connection. I used to love life, so much. I’ve become a soulless black hole of nothing. even the panic attacks are gone and have been for years. my whole life is laying on the sofa and dreading the next day. I didn’t deserve this. I worked so hard to create a life for myself and then my nervous system took it from me. after 4 years of suffering, im done. I can’t even imagine having a life again. a life that’s carefree and mine. I had that, and it was taken away from me. I wish I’d just go to sleep and not wake up.

Some context -->

I have had a history of some emotional abuse and neglect from childhood. Growing up away from my parents since I was 7-8 years old living with at my uncle and my grandparents. Alongside the impacts of neglect from my parents, the situation at this new home was not very safe.

As it happens in a lot of dysfunctional family dynamics, the emotional rollercoaster was always present in adults.. alot of arguments and fights within various members of the family, secrecy etc.. never any extreme physical abuse though.

As "someone else's" kids I ( and probably my sibling too, not sure) was subjected to the idea , that my parents chose their freedom over the kids, and that even though we were a burden to these "caretakers" they look after us as if we were their own kids etc..alot of other details too but anyways...

I've always been detached from myself, switching from out of body experiences to just living as a robot or like a movie character with no control..which I recently realized is what is not considered normal way of experiencing life..

After 28 years of ignoring or never paying too much attention to this, I started therapy recently, and was suggested to get a diagnosis of this disorder if I felt it's required.. it might have been a coping mechanism I developed as a trauma response.

My question -->

I can't really know what a normal experience of life is like? For all I know maybe I am forcing this idea in my head to justify my life story as a victim or something ( I have been told in therapy that acceptance is going to take some time so I still oscillate between accepting I have had some suboptimal past)

How do I know whats derealization/ depersonalization if I don't seem have any memories of not having it? But at the same time not knowing whether what I do have is really derealization/depersonalization?

Hey everyone, this year I was able to feel so much more and be aware of the world. I felt love, empathy, trust, and care. It wasn't perfect but I felt it, there was still a block but it was getting better. I started fluoxetine and it all went away, I switched to sertraline and I feel like I did when I was a kid. I don't even recognise my family and I can't stand straight, I start to sway... I feel dizzy and I feel like I'm going to be sucked in by the floor. Don't know if I will ever recover. I am staying alive for my boyfriend and mum but this really really hurts. I made so much progress

How can I know if I have finally recovered from DPDR and the symptoms? I feel that the situation has improved I feel that I see normally and the ringing in my ears is weaker and almost impossible to hear and the touch feels more real and it feels like a burning sensation and the head feels full and as if more blood has flowed through it and it feels like the front of the forehead is filling with oxygen But it still doesn't feel 100 percent and I'm not sure because I had DPDR for 3 years in a permanent state and I don't know if I have finally recovered or not

Yeah sure I can learn to adapt to the symptoms over time but still - you're detached from everything. You're basically a robot. You don't enjoy anything at all. How is that worth it?

Sometimes I can't help but think I'm being gaslit in this sub.

I don’t know what is happening in my head

(I had a hypochondriac episode last month where I thought I was dying and every sensation made me spiral and I could not eat or sleep because I thought everything would kill me and now it’s coming back)

when you’re falling asleep and you can catch your thoughts going crazy and stupid and they’re just so wild that you can’t explain it and it’s like your brain is dreaming? The thoughts are super nonsensical that you can’t even put them into word?s? It’s like my inner monologue has become overtaken by these nonsensical thoughts like I’m constantly falling asleep and it’s terrifying because it feels like I’m not controlling my inner monologue. Sometimes it feels like my brain falls asleep on me. Like I’ll be having a conversation and in the middle of the conversation it’s like I’ll disappear and then I’ll snap back to reality even though I’m still continuing with the conversation like normal even when I’m out of it. It happens all day Like every 10 seconds my brain shuts off and then I’m pulled back to reality. And I’m like “ Oh my God did that actually happen? Was it actually me what just happened?” It went away when I was hanging out with my friend, but like in the back of my mind, it was still There. I wonder if I blocked out some of the feelings that I had during my episode last month because now I keep Having sensations and they feel so familiar, but as soon as I focus on the sensation to try associated to I’ve had I lose the feeling. I just feel like I’m losing my mind or I have dementia or brain cancer there’s something Wrong in my head and I just want this to go away. I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare. It’s like my brain sometimes doesn’t even believe and I just claw my way my head. It just feels So unreal. When I think back about something that happened hours ago, I doubt myself and wonder if it actually happened or if I made it up and I’m going crazy. Has anybody else Had this I’m so scared something is wrong with my brain like brain, cancer or dementia or something and I don’t know what to do. I just want this to go away.

also, I do have POTS Which me out because it gives me heart attack and dementia symptoms just a terrifying disorder to

Tomorrow I’m getting admitted to the psych ward for the first time after a long 6 year battle with mental health issues. I’m 21F, and have battled anxiety for most of my young adult life. Whilst never diagnosed with depression formally, I have just been diagnosed with cyclothymia after bouts of suicidal ideation and eventually a suicide attempt a few weeks ago. I’ve always presented, and thought of myself as high functioning, happy and jolly. My friends all thought that. I tried to take my own life to escape my derealisation which has been a terrifying symptom of my anxiety for years which I could no longer deal with.

Tomorrow, I’m getting admitted to the psych ward for treatment. I’m naturally very nervous and unsure what to expect, so just looking for some words of encouragement and reassurance that I’m not a failure and that this indeed will help.

Thanks.

**Obviously it goes without saying that this could be pretty triggering so if you're also in a sensitive state it stop reading**

So I've been dealing with constant nonstop mental torment and terror because of this for upwards of 7 years now and it hasn't gotten one bit easier throughout this time, only more and more excruciating and debilitating

My main problem is my existential OCD specifically solipsism and this sensation of being trapped inside my skull, my brain kind of "translates" my solipsism panic into this very literally physically claustrophobic sensation of being trapped inside my skull, during a panic attack I become acutely agonizingly aware of the sensation of my skull being wrapped around my mind and seriously, I cannot stress how terrifying this is, it feels like suddenly realising that you're actually in hell and was in hell all along, and also realising that you cannot escape and are doomed to suffer in complete agony and terror for eternity, this might sound disrespectful as fuck but I often wonder if the people in the planes during 9/11 felt the equivalent terror that I feel because of this symptom, it's that same feeling of being utterly hopelessly trapped and knowing there's absolutely nothing you can do at all

try to imagine waking up in a coffin one day that is buried under miles of concrete, there's technology to stop you from dying in any way, and you realise that you're stuck there forever, that's about on par with what this skull sensation feels like, it's seriously the absolute fucking worst, absolutely nothing compares, and the worst thing is it NEVER EVER STOPS, I never get any reprieve from this feeling, not even in my sleep lately, I just live in a constant nonstop 24/7 panic attack now, I wake up with my heart racing, I spend all day just incapacitated in bed squirming in agony from this terror, too anxious to even get up and get something to eat

I feel out of options, I genuinely don't see any other option besides the heartbreaking option, because i believe it's either that or spend the rest of life in and out of psych wards being on multiple medications with horrible side effects just to function, not even flourish, just function, I can't bear the thought of a life like that

I’ve tried everything. every time I want to travel or go somewhere new, I have these thoughts of being trapped or panicking/dying. I have endless dreams every night about being in this huge wars where my home is being destroyed, or im in a tsunami, or on another planet. I dream of being in these huge malls, or some place I’ve never been. I feel as if I’m hallucinating in my sleep. I go through hell every night and then wake up to utter numbness, disconnection and fatigue. I still work, provide for myself and see friends, but I have no quality of life. Zero. On weekends I sleep in all day and do nothing. I don’t have any joy, motivation, hobbies, or even desires. I used to love to travel, to explore, to meet new people, the world felt expansive and beautiful.

my mind has locked itself away because of 2 bad panic attacks that were 4 years ago. It refuses to let go. I have been very successful in my career and life despite this, but it lacks any meaning or purpose, I have no words to describe my life. I don’t even feel alive or like a person. No one can seem to help me after countless meds, therapies and acceptance of my state. Every single day is the same. Nothing changes. I don’t feel seasons, time, energy, nothing. I don’t see how a human being can end up like this. my life wasn’t perfect before but I was happy, I was carefree, I loved life. This isn’t living, it’s torture.

Hello, today is my 5th day on Latuda. I’ve been on 20mg for 2 days followed by 40mg for 3 days. So far , no difference at all , just some sedation at night. I’m taking it with a 350 cal meal as required.

My hopes are beginning to slowly diminish. I had high expectations going into this medication and reading people’s experiences how they notice a day and night difference in less than a week or so .

Currently taking in conjunction to Effexor 225mg , Lamotrigine 100mg.

Hoping to get relief from depression , anhedonia , anxiety and depersonalization/derealization.

Diagnosis: lifelong OCD + Bipolar

What exactly should I expect with this medication ? Is it really a light switch / day and night feeling after all? Or is it gradual ?

Thanks for reading.

I’ve been going through something that’s really hard to explain. It feels like I’m not fully here sometimes, like I’m watching my life instead of living it. I think it might be dpdr, and it’s been messing with my head a lot. On top of that, I’ve been dealing with depression, and some days it just feels like everything is too much. I don’t always understand what’s happening to me, and that makes it even scarier. I’ve even had thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore, and that’s something I don’t take lightly. I don’t want to feel like this, but I don’t know how to fix it on my own.

The hardest part is that I’m scared to tell my parents or anyone close to me. I don’t know how they’ll react, or if they’ll even understand. So I’m putting this out there because I need help, advice, or even just someone who gets it. If you’ve gone through dpdr or depression, what helped you? How did you talk to people about it? I don’t want to stay stuck like this, and I know I probably can’t get through it alone.

This has been going on for 8 weeks and I can’t handle it anymore.

I’m not depressed, I’m not anxious - I’m just not anything. I work, which is the only thing that fills my time and gives me structure, and some small connection to myself, everything else is gone. I feel split in two different people, one who has nightmares and is afraid of the world and one that’s just a robot moving through life with no joy, no reward, ive had severe DPDR and anhedonia for nearly 4 years now. its only getting worse over time, not better. haven’t had a panic attack in years and don’t even feel anxious. idk where to go from here. it’s like i just am not even a person, or a human.

I’ve had anxiety and OCD my whole life and had bouts of panic attacks and feelings of dpdr. But 4 months ago I had the biggest panic attack and I got severe dpdr. I was scared to be awake, could barely function, 24/7 severe anxiety for weeks. I’ve gotten a lot better but also it still feels awful and sometimes comes back. I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore. I feel like I’m insane and too aware of my consciousness and scared of dpdr happening again. I wake up with anxiety and I haven’t been able to go back to work even though I tried. I thought I was ready but I had such horrible anxiety I couldn’t do it. Im scared to panic or trigger dpdr. I feel scared of my consciousness, of existence and I feel trapped in my brain. I can’t stop crying because I feel like a different person than I was before this happened and I feel like a burden who should disappear. No one understands. It feels like I’m in a different world on my own. I also don’t know how to ever get over this experience. Everyone I know is just being normal and living life and I feel like I am going crazy. I just want to know if anyone can relate, please. :(

I’ve been in a recovery center for over a year due to dpdr. It’s been tough for myself as well as my parents, but I’m getting better everyday. I’m taking classes during the week, and for my people in this chat who’ve been to recovery centers know how key classes are. I’m leaving soon, but something that’s very important is having a schedule and goals. Taking small steps to achieve goals and following a schedule each week is key! Lastly, cut yourself a break once in a while! You don’t have to go 1,000 miles per hour all the time. Take a few hours a day as free time and do whatever makes you happy, (and maybe even relaxing)