What is the normal experience of life?
Some context -->
I have had a history of some emotional abuse and neglect from childhood. Growing up away from my parents since I was 7-8 years old living with at my uncle and my grandparents. Alongside the impacts of neglect from my parents, the situation at this new home was not very safe.
As it happens in a lot of dysfunctional family dynamics, the emotional rollercoaster was always present in adults.. alot of arguments and fights within various members of the family, secrecy etc.. never any extreme physical abuse though.
As "someone else's" kids I ( and probably my sibling too, not sure) was subjected to the idea , that my parents chose their freedom over the kids, and that even though we were a burden to these "caretakers" they look after us as if we were their own kids etc..alot of other details too but anyways...
I've always been detached from myself, switching from out of body experiences to just living as a robot or like a movie character with no control..which I recently realized is what is not considered normal way of experiencing life..
After 28 years of ignoring or never paying too much attention to this, I started therapy recently, and was suggested to get a diagnosis of this disorder if I felt it's required.. it might have been a coping mechanism I developed as a trauma response.
My question -->
I can't really know what a normal experience of life is like? For all I know maybe I am forcing this idea in my head to justify my life story as a victim or something ( I have been told in therapy that acceptance is going to take some time so I still oscillate between accepting I have had some suboptimal past)
How do I know whats derealization/ depersonalization if I don't seem have any memories of not having it? But at the same time not knowing whether what I do have is really derealization/depersonalization?