u/Blackatt

I don’t want to die but I feel like there’s no way out of this torture. My brain is torturing me. I don’t understand how I lived my life up until now without this feeling and these fears. I want to live. I don’t want to feel like this forever. My life feels completely different now. It’s like I’ve opened a door I can’t close. And now that it’s happened I can’t forget it or move on from the experience. I feel like I’m going crazy all the time. I am so fucking upset. I feel like I’ve died already.

I’ve had anxiety and OCD my whole life and had bouts of panic attacks and feelings of dpdr. But 4 months ago I had the biggest panic attack and I got severe dpdr. I was scared to be awake, could barely function, 24/7 severe anxiety for weeks. I’ve gotten a lot better but also it still feels awful and sometimes comes back. I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore. I feel like I’m insane and too aware of my consciousness and scared of dpdr happening again. I wake up with anxiety and I haven’t been able to go back to work even though I tried. I thought I was ready but I had such horrible anxiety I couldn’t do it. Im scared to panic or trigger dpdr. I feel scared of my consciousness, of existence and I feel trapped in my brain. I can’t stop crying because I feel like a different person than I was before this happened and I feel like a burden who should disappear. No one understands. It feels like I’m in a different world on my own. I also don’t know how to ever get over this experience. Everyone I know is just being normal and living life and I feel like I am going crazy. I just want to know if anyone can relate, please. :(