u/DoubtReal3844

I always hear that I need to feel safe, in order to come out of this state. but how do you do that when your system has locked you out from any feeling at all? I used to feel cozy in my bed. I felt the weather around me. I felt a warmth and love from friends. I felt seasons changing. I had different moods each day, and in response to things around me. I have 0 feeling in my body, I cannot even remember what sensation / emotions/moods feel like. how can you feel safe when you have no body?

im so tired of living in this body that doesn’t want me to live. I miss traveling so much, i miss feeling myself. I miss being carefree. I miss being human. I even miss my childhood because it felt like mine. I’m so dissociated and numb, I haven’t even had a panic attack in 3 years. my life has shrunk down to absolutely nothing. can’t even workout, or do anything i used to love. there’s no me. no life. no person.

the danger is gone. I don’t know how to show myself im safe when im numb and can’t even feel my own body.

I had panic attacks 4 years ago that have left my life in shambles. I went through a year of severe agoraphobia, I lost my entire life and mind. it took every will power I had left to overcome and take my life back. I’ve tried SE, IFS and many other therapies with no relief. all weekend I just rot on the sofa, unable to do anything. during the week I work to continue building my company and career. I have no quality of life. my system has gone totally numb, but at night i have horrible dreams that are fragments of memories of my life. they’re devastating, grief, loss, fear, shame all in one. I cry myself to sleep most nights because i hate myself and my existence. those panic attacks ruined my life and I’ve never been the same. I used to love to travel, to meet new people, to try new things, to live life. I was the happiest I’d ever been, and now I just wish it would all be over. this isn’t living, it’s torture. I’m watching everyone have kids, get married, buy houses. love. live.

i feel completely robbed of my life. I used to travel all the time and experience life, now I can barely shower some days. these dreams are killing me slowly. I’m experiencing my dog dying, natural disasters, wars, going back to my childhood, all as if it’s happening right now. I’ll never know what I did to deserve this life, I didn’t ask for it. I’m a good person and did all the right things, yet I’m being punished by my own body. I already have had so many losses in life, and now I’ve even lost myself. lately I’ve been wishing I just dont wake up.

I’ve lived in this utter hell for so long that there’s no way back to a normal life. every single day is pure agony. I hate being alive. the most simple things i used to enjoy, a morning coffee, the sunshine, the smell of summer, the thrill of a trip. it’s all gone. I don’t want to keep living like this, it takes every ounce of my energy to do the most basic things.

my body and mind have turned on me. the trauma of the past haunts me every night in my sleep. not one doctor or therapist has been able to help me after 4 years of trying. every medication, every trauma podcast. every day is the same cycle. I am miserable. I live to pay bills, and have no joy or purpose in my life. I even stopped going to the gym or doing anything I enjoy because there’s absolutely no reward or feeling, there’s no sensation or connection. I used to love life, so much. I’ve become a soulless black hole of nothing. even the panic attacks are gone and have been for years. my whole life is laying on the sofa and dreading the next day. I didn’t deserve this. I worked so hard to create a life for myself and then my nervous system took it from me. after 4 years of suffering, im done. I can’t even imagine having a life again. a life that’s carefree and mine. I had that, and it was taken away from me. I wish I’d just go to sleep and not wake up.

my derealization was so bad when this first started that I thought I was on acid, nothing looked or felt normal. that has slowly gone away but over time my depersonalization has gotten 10x worse. i have absolutely no sense of self. no joy or reward. no memories. no life inside of me. I’m just a hollow soul of nothing.

I won’t bore you with my story but between the endless dreaming about trauma, to not being able to travel or do anything I love, to feeling like a complete outcast from the world because I have no emotions, I don’t know what the point in living like this is. I have 0 quality of life, and it’s only getting worse and worse. how can derealization improve but not depersonalization?

I can’t comprehend how long I’ve been this way.. over 4 years. it’s taken my whole life from me. I’m not living. I’m not a person. I have no sensory input from my world. It’s sad. It’s incomprehensible. Every night I don’t even want to go to bed because of the non stop dreams. I’m trapped in this horrible life I didn’t choose. Idk how i keep going. Because there’s nothing to live for at this point

I’ve tried everything. every time I want to travel or go somewhere new, I have these thoughts of being trapped or panicking/dying. I have endless dreams every night about being in this huge wars where my home is being destroyed, or im in a tsunami, or on another planet. I dream of being in these huge malls, or some place I’ve never been. I feel as if I’m hallucinating in my sleep. I go through hell every night and then wake up to utter numbness, disconnection and fatigue. I still work, provide for myself and see friends, but I have no quality of life. Zero. On weekends I sleep in all day and do nothing. I don’t have any joy, motivation, hobbies, or even desires. I used to love to travel, to explore, to meet new people, the world felt expansive and beautiful.

my mind has locked itself away because of 2 bad panic attacks that were 4 years ago. It refuses to let go. I have been very successful in my career and life despite this, but it lacks any meaning or purpose, I have no words to describe my life. I don’t even feel alive or like a person. No one can seem to help me after countless meds, therapies and acceptance of my state. Every single day is the same. Nothing changes. I don’t feel seasons, time, energy, nothing. I don’t see how a human being can end up like this. my life wasn’t perfect before but I was happy, I was carefree, I loved life. This isn’t living, it’s torture.

I’m not depressed, I’m not anxious - I’m just not anything. I work, which is the only thing that fills my time and gives me structure, and some small connection to myself, everything else is gone. I feel split in two different people, one who has nightmares and is afraid of the world and one that’s just a robot moving through life with no joy, no reward, ive had severe DPDR and anhedonia for nearly 4 years now. its only getting worse over time, not better. haven’t had a panic attack in years and don’t even feel anxious. idk where to go from here. it’s like i just am not even a person, or a human.