r/abusesurvivors

It's very difficult for me to say this, but I am 26, I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We started living together in our fifth month, and the physical violence began from the very first month. Initially, when I did something or said something that annoyed him at a concert or in a bar, he would squeeze my waist tightly. Then, as time went on, he started biting me on my cheek, arm, and leg. I took pictures of a few of these incidents.

Once, he squeezed my little finger so hard it turned purple and I think it was crushed. I didn't go to the doctor, and he didn't suggest we go either. I couldn't use my little finger for a week, and it hurt a lot. All he did was apologize profusely, say he loved me very much, and that it wouldn't happen again. I'm a little too jealous of him because I can't trust him in anything. That's why I blame myself, thinking I'm the one who angers him.

The last incident was horrific and I think it traumatized me. I thought he was going to stab me with the knife he had in the house, but he kept cutting himself. This wasn't the first time he'd done this to himself. After cutting himself, he was in a lot of pain and started blaming me. And he started beating me, constantly hitting me on the head. He wouldn't let me escape from the house, and when I did, he caught me in the street and beat me there too. He said he wasn't afraid of the police, let them come and arrest him. He forced me back into the house and continued beating me, saying hurtful things, and I was really hurt that night. I remember crying, "mommy" I cant forget that night and me crying "mommy".

The next day, he said he'd been drunk the night before, apologized, and said he loved me more than anything and didn't want to break up. I don't know why, but I accepted. Now I don't even want to know what's right and what's wrong. I have no friends; my best friend left me because I chose to stay with him. I have messages where he admits to what he did and apologizes, and I'm keeping them. I also have photos of some of the bruises. I'm keeping those too. I'm ashamed to say this, but I still love him because he's sometimes very kind and considerate to me.

It's only in those terrible moments that it feels like a demon has possessed him. I know I should leave him, but I can't. Something inside me is stopping me. The memories and photos of when everything was beautiful are stopping me. I guess I can't accept that our relationship has turned into this.

This is about to be a long one! I am the person who posted the "am I wrong for not wanting to make eggs post" in the Charlotte Dobre subreddit. For context, I am 12 almost 13 years married next month. Our marriage started off in a weird way. I met him via the dating website I was using to get customers. I was homeless "selling my body" because I lost my job and my parents have never been supportive of me. I grew up in a single parent household ( my mom is bipolar)I was pregnant with "our child" ( I put ours because this child isn't my husband's bio kid) I also have another child with husband. (2 kids he and I raise together). Then I had a child before I got married, I have 3 children all together. My husband treats his child great but my kids are basically a burden. If he does anything for them he will later throw it in my face during times where he is mad at me. He used to throw in my face that my child isn't his kid but then tell my kid "I'm your dad". So to stop, I told my kid the truth. I'm not innocent at all I did do things in the beginning of our marriage out of my own trust issues. I used to yell back at him and hit him if he hit me. He used to go to work with scratch marks on his arm and neck from arguing. I have had bruises and things too. I have stopped hitting and he has not. This feels like torture and I feel like I deserve it because of what I did in the beginning. When he found out that I was pregnant and what I was doing. he offered to stay with him and his mom. when I got into the house I said "now I get to see how it is to use someone" I know how that sounds but I meant it in the most genuine way. I am not good with words because I've been told to "shut up and do what I say" all my life including in this relationship. I'm almost 40 and I still mess up on my words. I've been to therapy and I have somewhat of a relationship with my mom. it's been years since I've done any "wrong" to him. His mom passed away 4 years ago and when she passed away I went into the room to check on him and he got nasty with me, so I said "I'm not the one who took your mom". he was cussing and calling me all kinds of names before I said that. I also have heard him bad mouth his mom multiple times. he has argued with her when she was alive and his other family members. The reason I feel like I don't want to be married anymore is because he has been yelling at me and constantly being abusive towards me. He forces me to give him gluck gluck daily. If I say no or act like I don't want to do it, I still end up doing it. I have woken up to use the restroom in the morning (like 3 or 5 am) come back to lay down and he's got his pants off. When he is mad whatever he buys me "is getting donated". He throws everything into a garbage bag and tells me he's going to give it to Goodwill. Then when he is done being mad I have to put it away again. I am tired of hearing about what a wife is supposed to do in a marriage (submit to her husband) but what about the husband. "Provide and protect" is not all that a man is supposed to do. He tells me that I don't do anything for my kids, but I work just like he does. Probably more than he does honestly. When my children were younger (before school age) I stayed home. I tried to work but he wouldn't ever come home so I could go to work (he was supposed to work in the daytime and I work in the evening) and I couldn't leave the kids at home with his sick mother. So I quit my job. It's been years of hell and I don't want my children thinking this is okay. He says that I cheated on him because when I left him the first time I "sent naked pics" to a dude that lives in another State. But he actually slept with 2 other women since we've been married. The first time was the same time that I sent the naked pics. The second time I was still with him and living in this house we called home. I know I was wrong for sending the pics. But he is also wrong. When he is yelling at me I try not to get angry and yell back but it is hard when he continues to yell at me. Then he will say I'm acting crazy because I tried to tell him about how he treats me. He also uses his grandma to manipulate me and think that I'm wrong. He will take me to her house and say she needs to talk to me about my behavior. I told her that it's not me but she just takes his side every time. I am not sure if I'm crazy or not. Am I supposed to stay or leave this crazy rollercoaster of a marriage?

(Throwaway for my safety) I left my abuser almost 2 years ago and went as close to no-contact with her as possible.

A few days ago, it came to my attention that my name had been added to a name-and-shame website that was then quickly taken down. She has since gone on to post on her social media accounts my full name, and all of the things she claims I have done. None of which are true, I should add, and she has absolutely no legal basis to back them up.

I have absolutely no idea what to do now.

I’ve never told anyone. I hope this doesn’t sound weird this is genuinely a diary to me

When I was very tiny my mom hit me really bad so I fell and hit my head to a wall, after that she went to the supermarket and didn’t feel bad for me which was very normal

I really wanted her to care or something so i didn’t get up and I kept banging my head to the wall, I thought if there was blood then she would feel bad and stop hitting me

I didn’t bang my head hard enough and there wasn’t any blood and I just passed out in the floor

Later on she was hitting me again and there was blood this time

She didn’t care, at all.

I don’t know why I told myself she would care if there was blood

She didn’t care when there wasn’t, she wouldn’t care when there is.

It’s been years obviously of no change in behavior until recently. She suddenly wants to be my mom.

She stopped hitting me when I started hitting her back and stopped yelling at me or doing anything to be honest when I attempted suicide

She’s been really nice since, it’s been 3 years.

She did yell and have some melt downs or hit me but very lightly on occasion so I consider it really nice, she apparently wants to fix things and keeps apologising and saying it was her first time being a mom.

I can’t bring myself to like her.

Another thing that was there as a kid was this need for acceptance which I fulfilled by consensually letting someone touch me in the bad way as a child, like 6

I told my mom the same day it happened and she looked disappointed and disgusted and just turned her back to me and I went to sleep(that’s what I remember, obviously my memories are really bad)

I only remember the first and last time but I’m sure it happened a lot of times because I have memories in the middle but they’re kinda hazy, at different places.

I didn’t know about this until I was 13 that’s when I remembered by accident. I had a breakdown and told my mom only for her to say “yeah u told me already”

I was so disappointed. She didn’t do anything even though she knew??

Up to a recent point in time I was always faithfully convinced my mom cared, I believed I had a nice mom and she cared, but every time I write it or think about it, it just hurts me because I realize she never gave a fuck, she only cared about my grades but she doesn’t seem to care about them now, now she only cares about how I feel and if I’ll cut myself or not

Does she really care about me???? Or is this just a delusion I’m playing for myself again

I love my mom so much and I feel so hurt every time I realize that she’s not good. I try to tell myself everyone gets hit but society shows me it’s not true and that really hurts because if abuse is wrong then my mother is wrong

And it’s embarrassing

I don’t have a dad and she’s my only parent but she always said she doesn’t want me and regrets me, it’s embarrassing to be discarded by the only person whose supposed to love me, since I have no family or siblings and had no friends whatsoever growing up

And it’s embarrassing to be hurt by the only person I could crawl to for safety

It’s so humiliating so I struggle to tell anyone, not even my therapist.

When I was 13 I told a teacher at school, he made it difficult and then when I got home my mom had already received a call.

That was the beating of a lifetime

But I feel like what silences me is that I’m embarrassed that my mom doesn’t love me because no one does, so admitting the last person who could love me is actually the first person to show me hate is so scary

So I wanted it to be normal

I wanted everyone to have a hateful mother so that what I have could be less humiliating for me but yeah nevermind

There’s something I can’t stop thinking about recently because it’s killing me lol

I hate and envy my cousin so much

When my mom used to hit me when I was a kid she would always tell me my cousin (4 months older than me) gets hit wayyyy worse and it made me feel better knowing I wasn’t alone

He used to beat me up a lot when we were kids I remember one time he hit me and my tooth fell out but I didn’t hate him because I thought me and him were the same and that he was in a worse situation than me

I was at a family gathering (at like 9 or smth) and heard his mother speak about how she’s never hit her kid and that she believes disciplining kids with violence is wrong

I was confused, what do you mean? There’s no way I’m the only one right? So apparently I was actually, and my mom used to say that to me as a way for me to cope to make herself look like she’s not the worst

And it hurts that I was the only one, I can’t explain why

I have to live with the hunting comments I see online or hear irl about cases like mine..nobody will ever believe me..I was a child, a little girl up until I was 14 and she was a grown woman.

They are so used to having the control over me, blocking my way, grabbing me/moving me physically, manipulating me emotionally, getting me to bend to (almost)whatever they wanted, any amount of control I’m able to get back feels like control taken from them even tho it was never theirs to have in the first place, I was always meant to be mine, so when I finally take back my own control of myself and my surroundings they find it offensive, if I want to choose who’s in MY house then I’m controlling (but it’s fine if they say they don’t want certain ppl in their house, the house they weren’t even paying rent in and I’m very much paying rent at mine, and it’s fine for our friend to say he doesn’t want certain ppl in his house, ig I’m the only one who doesn’t get that right???) if I want to protect myself by getting distance from them then I’m manipulative

They actually told me that “it feels manipulative when you take my favorite person(me) from me” when I told my therapist about this he kinda laughed(i think cus it was such a ridiculous thing to say he wasn’t expecting it)and said that they were treating me like I was an object they own and not a person with a will of my own or something like that

They feel entitled to my choices, even making choices for me for other ppl without even asking me, just volunteering me for things like they are my owner or something, and when I show any amount of autonomy or go against what they want me to do it’s very easy for them to resent me, which is very painful, idk why it’s so easy for them to feel distain for someone making choices they have a right to make, it’s almost like they enjoy hating me 😔

I wouldn’t be surprised if they did because they made such a habit of it, to anyone who would listen, anything they could find to make me look bad, even straight up lying about me to ppl, making things up about me, or just letting other ppl misinterpret me and hate on me while they watched, never defending me because they preferred not being the bad guy for once, I’m getting off topic now cus I’m starting to feel sad about how the veiw me or think about me, I just wish I wasn’t held to such an unreasonable standard while everyone else seems to be to make “grown up” decisions with no consequences, meanwhile f I don’t do exactly what they want then that’s reason enough to talk shit, lie about me, betray me, and manipulate me all while saying I’m the controlling one somehow for having autonomy over myself

I’m gonna feel sad about this for a while, I wish they cared, but reading my posts usually just makes them angry for calling them out or hurting their ego, I wish they would just stop and have some empathy and self reflection and be a good person instead of immediately turning to scorn and pride, maybe that’s asking too much rn, but it just makes me sad, sad that ppls reaction to someone being hurt is to resent them for it, I just don’t really understand why that attitude persists in ppl, idk how someone can be so naturally unkind instead of wanting to be a better person for the ppl around them and for the goodness of their own soul to grow too

My last relationship was abusive sexually and verbally. My (NB) current girlfriend is amazing, I love her to pieces. I feel like she doesn’t take Intrest in my interest as much as I do for hers . I struggle with advocating for myself when it feels critical to others due to my ex’s extreme anger issues and verbal abuse. I tried to subtly drop hints that I want her to pay more attention to my interests but I was definitely too vague and I feel I need to have a direct conversation. I asked her if she could start the first episode of one of five favorite animes (we really like anime(NORMAL anime) I gave her a summary of each of them and a list of streaming services they’re on. she said shed get to it eventually. so that’s a good step in the right direction. I feel like I spend at least an hour a day contributing to learning about her interests and she maybe contributes an hour every month. Can anyone please give me advice on a way to start a healthy conversation about this issue without sounding critical or aggressive?

I am 24 husband is 33

This past week while I was in intensive outpatient group therapy a lady was talking about he ex and the things he would do and say to her and how it still effects her after 15 years without him. It made me open my eyes to the abuse my husband has put me through for like 4 years nothing physical towards me mostly verbal and emotional and hurting himself infront of me to manipulate me. He has said the most horrible things to me from my looks to saying how bored he is of me. When we would fight he'd punch things and scream in my face. The past 2 years he has changed and I think its only cause he is dying from renal failure. He is so depressed and keeps saying how sorry he is for how he has treated me in the past and how he want to be better and get help so he doesn't lose me and can learn to be the best person he can for me. But I am so tired and just don't have it in me right now to be the one to teach him. I wanna talk about our past and how hurt I am but he's scared me too much into a corner that I worry he'll threaten me or scream at me for being hurt by him. I want us to get professional help but we have no money. I love him so much and I hope he loves me but I just don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him.

I’m so tired of being triggered by how they act and then confronting them and finding out my gut was right all along, and then getting treated like the bad guy for it

I’m just so tired of it all, I don’t want this life, I don’t want to live this way anymore, I don’t want to keep going through these rollercoasters anymore, how do I find the strength to actually give up on them? How do I stop putting myself through this? They’ve proved to me so many times now that they won’t change, why can’t I believe what they have shown me? Why do I believe their words instead of reality?

Hello everyone ,I’m a female undergraduate student in India in very urgent,difficult situations.

Here's severe ongoing domestic abuse situations in our family for long time ,escalating multiple times repeatedly ,unsafe living conditions, which are affecting my safety, education,well-being, basic daily works etc. very serious ways and are at risk . It's very necessary and urgent for me to relocate to other city within India as soon as possible for my safety and all.

It would be very helpful,if anyone kindly let me know asap regarding any such genuine,trusted,part-time, flexible hours,paid, hybrid/in-person/remote works in India ,which I can start immediately in any location in India now.

Cross posting here, first time using this site. ySorry if this is incoherent im not in a good headspace. I live with my grandmother after snapping after years of abuse from my mother, who had custody of me after divorce. I cant take living here anymore either its starting to drive me crazy. My mom called my grandmother asking about me. I have her blocked. I also have my dad blocked. Both of them put their hands on me in the exact same way as a teenager. They choked me to the ground. My grandmother is an enabler. I feel scared my mom is going to put her hands on me again. Its been years since shes last done that. But im so scared i dont know what to do. Im tired of feeling restless and having to grey-rock constantly. im disabled and jobless and depressed and its hard for me to even fathom a job right now. Ive applied for Section 8 and im just waiting for my time to come. I randomly got hit with this sinking feeling that my mom is going to punish me for blocking her. And my dad keeps showing up in my call history despite him being blocked.

Im so tired and scared. Im an adult but I feel so helpless. Idk what to do anymore.

All they do is tell me what I want to hear but then lie about me or say things about me that they won’t say to my face, it’s so exhausting begging them to tell me the truth, but then just hearing all the same shit they’ve always told me, I’m just so sick of the manipulation, and then when k call them out on it they say I’m gaslighting them because it’s their feelings and “you cant tell me how I feel” such an annoying twist they always pull on me, just finding any way to play the victim, even tho they’ve lied to constantly and with the same words almost word for word before, but now the are all of a sudden telling the truth so if I say that they are lying like they always have then I’m the manipulative one, ya, ok, they just hate being called out for their actions, they don’t have remorse for the things they’ve done but just feel guilty about it so they get upset when I talk about it, I’m so tired man, why do I have to deal with so many lies? Why can’t they just be honest for once in their life, I would be satisfied if they would just come clean and admit that they feel all the things they told other ppl they feel about me, and not what they are telling me, because it’s always been a lie