u/ManWithinYourShadows

My friend was sitting for her igcse ICT exam paper 3 and they had to wait 7 hours before the exam because it was at 7 pm, they couldn’t use devices from 12 pm to 7 pm to prevent cheating while they wait,

She used her phone and texted me a bit, she didn’t cheat or anything but got caught with the phone and they took it and the invigilators searched it and found no evidence of cheating then they had to write a report to the board and she wrote a report too and toon her exam like normal.

She also wrote her own report since the invigilators made her

In it she apologised and admitted that she used the device and broke the rules,

She’s in a lot of mental distress because of it and I wanna know what’s gonna happen to her paper? Are they gonna mark it? Or disqualify it? What’s most likely???

I love my mom so much and I feel so hurt every time I realize that she’s not good. I try to tell myself everyone gets hit but society shows me it’s not true and that really hurts because if abuse is wrong then my mother is wrong

And it’s embarrassing

I don’t have a dad and she’s my only parent but she always said she doesn’t want me and regrets me, it’s embarrassing to be discarded by the only person whose supposed to love me, since I have no family or siblings and had no friends whatsoever growing up

And it’s embarrassing to be hurt by the only person I could crawl to for safety

It’s so humiliating so I struggle to tell anyone, not even my therapist.

When I was 13 I told a teacher at school, he made it difficult and then when I got home my mom had already received a call.

That was the beating of a lifetime

But I feel like what silences me is that I’m embarrassed that my mom doesn’t love me because no one does, so admitting the last person who could love me is actually the first person to show me hate is so scary

So I wanted it to be normal

I wanted everyone to have a hateful mother so that what I have could be less humiliating for me but yeah nevermind

There’s something I can’t stop thinking about recently because it’s killing me lol

I hate and envy my cousin so much

When my mom used to hit me when I was a kid she would always tell me my cousin (4 months older than me) gets hit wayyyy worse and it made me feel better knowing I wasn’t alone

He used to beat me up a lot when we were kids I remember one time he hit me and my tooth fell out but I didn’t hate him because I thought me and him were the same and that he was in a worse situation than me

I was at a family gathering (at like 9 or smth) and heard his mother speak about how she’s never hit her kid and that she believes disciplining kids with violence is wrong

I was confused, what do you mean? There’s no way I’m the only one right? So apparently I was actually, and my mom used to say that to me as a way for me to cope to make herself look like she’s not the worst

And it hurts that I was the only one, I can’t explain why

I’ve never told anyone. I hope this doesn’t sound weird this is genuinely a diary to me

When I was very tiny my mom hit me really bad so I fell and hit my head to a wall, after that she went to the supermarket and didn’t feel bad for me which was very normal

I really wanted her to care or something so i didn’t get up and I kept banging my head to the wall, I thought if there was blood then she would feel bad and stop hitting me

I didn’t bang my head hard enough and there wasn’t any blood and I just passed out in the floor

Later on she was hitting me again and there was blood this time

She didn’t care, at all.

I don’t know why I told myself she would care if there was blood

She didn’t care when there wasn’t, she wouldn’t care when there is.

It’s been years obviously of no change in behavior until recently. She suddenly wants to be my mom.

She stopped hitting me when I started hitting her back and stopped yelling at me or doing anything to be honest when I attempted suicide

She’s been really nice since, it’s been 3 years.

She did yell and have some melt downs or hit me but very lightly on occasion so I consider it really nice, she apparently wants to fix things and keeps apologising and saying it was her first time being a mom.

I can’t bring myself to like her.

Another thing that was there as a kid was this need for acceptance which I fulfilled by consensually letting someone touch me in the bad way as a child, like 6

I told my mom the same day it happened and she looked disappointed and disgusted and just turned her back to me and I went to sleep(that’s what I remember, obviously my memories are really bad)

I only remember the first and last time but I’m sure it happened a lot of times because I have memories in the middle but they’re kinda hazy, at different places.

I didn’t know about this until I was 13 that’s when I remembered by accident. I had a breakdown and told my mom only for her to say “yeah u told me already”

I was so disappointed. She didn’t do anything even though she knew??

Up to a recent point in time I was always faithfully convinced my mom cared, I believed I had a nice mom and she cared, but every time I write it or think about it, it just hurts me because I realize she never gave a fuck, she only cared about my grades but she doesn’t seem to care about them now, now she only cares about how I feel and if I’ll cut myself or not

Does she really care about me???? Or is this just a delusion I’m playing for myself again