r/StandUpWorkshop

Here are some jokes hot off the presses (also, please see note below*).

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I need a job with benefits, if you don't have a job with benefits, you end up looking for help in all the wrong places. I don't have health insurance, so I keep searching Google for "sexy nurse porn with real nurse tho." 

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James Van Der Beek's widow paid an emotional tribute to her husband, whom she kept referring to as "wait -- that guy from Dawson's Creek?"

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These cybertrucks are just terrible, aren't they? It's actually the world's first racist car, did you know that? When the check engine light comes on, it calls you the n-word, that's crazy. But you're gonna get your oil change on time when that happens. 

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I've been married to my wife for many years. It's a beautiful thing, but, you know, your romantic times change over the course of a long marriage. We recently had an anniversary, and to be sexy I told her I was going to get her a vibrator, and she said the only kind she wants is one that's dishwasher safe. 

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(*Note: Hello, friends. I have a long and tortured relationship with performing, but I love writing jokes.

I have a bunch of jokes I like that I’ll probably never perform myself, so I figured I’d just post them here for people to take. Not in a “look how great these are” way -- more in a “joke writing is fun and sharing things is good” way.

If you use one, I’d genuinely love to see or hear it performed. And if you’re feeling especially generous, you buy me a coffee in my profile.

Be safe out there.

So I was walking around Hollywood when I saw Conan. He was just walking around. I then went up to him and said “Hey aren’t you that ginger FUCK?!” I was busting his balls, as comedians do. He then laughed hysterically and said, “You’re gonna be someone one day, kid.” And look at me now

So I was eating my own shit while shoving a gopher up my ass while pissing into my eyes while cumming out of my nose while farting the ABCs while doing a back flip, as you do

I have depression. I explained to my girlfriend that most of the time, I feel nothing inside.

So now every time we have sex, she says she’s depressed.

She’s frustrated because now the only thing going down on her is my spirits.

Antidepressants make it impossible to finish. Great news. Now the only contraceptive I need is being sad.

Another thing we’re all guilty of is what I like to call unintentional lies.

I’ll give you an example. When someone is telling you a story and they say something like, “And I’ll never forget this…” they’re talking out of their ass. There are no guarantees you’ll remember anything forever. Who’s to say you won’t get Alzheimer’s disease? Are you going to remember it then? Or maybe you’ll develop early-onset dementia. And what about death? How are you planning to remember something when you cease to exist?

It’s all hypocrisy.

I’ll tell you what else is total malarkey: when you’re talking to someone about how they got into their line of work and they respond with something like, “Well, I’ve known I wanted to do this for a living since I was five years old.”

Who the hell remembers being five years old? You’re telling me you wanted to be an accountant since you were five? What the hell type of child were you?

Feedback appreciated

Asexual life

I didn’t have much of a sex life at university.

The nice thing about living today is that you can give your failures better names.

If I said today at University, “I have not had sex for two years” people might say:

“Wow. That’s brave of you to come out as asexual.”

So I always had to explain:

“I’m not asexual, I am just studying physics.”

But honestly, it was nicer to pretend that I had chosen not to have sex, rather than admit that sex had chosen not to have me.

It did get hard going to parties, though, because people kept “asexualizing” me.

To them, I was nothing more than an 'asex object.'

If other people were being compared to prime cuts of meat, I was more like a gas station sausage.

At the beach, people kept dressing me with their eyes.

Why is it that when people drink from a straw, they keep sucking on it when it’s empty?
What are you trying to get?
What are you hoping for that the drink magically refills?

There’s nothing left. Give up already.

And then comes that sound…
that aggressive, last-ditch slurp.

fthhhhhhlurp… glub… slrrrp

You know what that sounds like?
It sounds like someone hitting a bong.

And when I hear somebody making that sound,
I feel like hitting them with a bong

I had front row tickets to see the BBC symphony orchestra Glenn Miller tribute evening at Carnegie Hall.

I didn't go in the end,i just wasnt in the mood.

Saving Money

I’ve been trying to save money, but the problem is that I eat out a lot.

My friend said:

“It would obviously be cheaper if you cooked the food yourself.”

So I tried to follow his advice.

But it’s hard to get a good sear on the meat when security is trying to drag you out of the McDonald’s kitchen.

I like to make instant noodles and instant coffee to see which is faster

The Tour de France has gotta be the most exhausting tour I’ve ever been on

I went to Madagascar and none of the animals there could even talk. False advertising

If you’re going to commit a crime make sure it’s not a true crime. Just commit A crime. Then there won’t be a Netflix documentary about it

A trick to stop your ice-cream melting, just order the cone. Okay more of a cup crowd, learn to live a little

I think the New Zealand rugby team needs to be more racially inclusive

I’ve always been told everybody deserves rights but I think everyone deserves lefts too (sorry)

My great grandfather gave me some great advice. Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man 2 fish and he’ll eat for 2 days. Give a man 3 fish and now you have a loyal customer. Whatever you do DON’T teach him to fish. Cause then he’ll open up with his own fish shop and now you have competition…my great grandfather and most of his family drowned in a boating accident

Did you know in 1905 women’s corsets were made out of whale bone. How big were women back then?

Pierre Cornu built the first prototype vertical take-off helicopter. After his prototype horizontal take-off helicopter crashed into a wall

Nobel prize is a prize without a bell. If it wasn’t meant to come with a bell why would they clarify it’s absence. Okay obviously you guys have never won a prize before

I’m colourblind so I can’t join the navy

"Whats up fam?" [Said like you're desperate to be cool] "Fascinating word." [Cool immediately dissipates, back to normal] Derives from "family". So we're family now. And families... cross boundaries. [Look at a random man in the audience] Excuse me mate, can you just pop your shirt off?

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm Cornish. On my mum's side. AND my dad's side. Turns out, they're on the same side.

My family crest is two identical people, holding hands, not asking questions.

I tried Ancestry.com. Boring. I don't want to know who my Cornish medieval ancestors were. I want to know what they were INTO. I want the medieval equivalent of browser history. What might we find?

Busty peasants? Thy stepmother doth tempt thee? Two maidens... one tankard.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

You remember those early 2000s chain emails? It was always something about a schoolgirl pushed down a well, and if you didn't forward it to enough people she'd come crawling out of your toilet. Literary garbage. Genuinely frightening. Odd combination.

Twenty years ago I got one that said: "KEEP READING. DO NOT IGNORE. Forward this to ten people or you'll be alone for the rest of your life."

I was fourteen. Two friends. A lot of my life was still... theoretical.

So I sent it to my whole family. Including my grandmother.

She still prints emails out to read them properly. Which means she read it. Held it in her hands. Thought about it. And decided ten stamps wasn't worth it.

The email was right. Grandad went later that year. She's 84 now. Lives alone. I feel terrible but worse still, there is a data trail.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

One day my data is going to get leaked. My great grandchildren are going to find everything.

So now I try to balance the books. Just this morning I threw a few searches in. [Pull out phone, pretend to read search history]

Persuading ignorant friends into veganism. Mental health campaigner courses, near me. Female authors, alphabetical.

The same way people plant trees to offset carbon for future generations. By 2050 I'm aiming for shame net zero.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I just had an ultrasound. The nurse - strict older woman - looks at me and says: "Mr Sanger. You've got a fatty liver."

This silly goose foie gras'd himself.

I've been diagnosed gourmet. For those who don't know, foie gras is made by force feeding a goose until its liver expands to ten times its normal size. I did that to myself. With Deliveroo.

It's non-alcoholic fatty liver, which I always clarify - because I grew up with an alcoholic parent. I won't say which one. It's less funny when it's the woman.

It's given me a complicated relationship with maternal authority.

So I'm lying there, completely exposed, and she goes: "Hmm. You haven't been to the bathroom in a while."

She can see inside my bladder. I have no idea what to do with that.

Then she says - and I haven't had this said to me in thirty years - "I need you to go for a wee. Now. Young man."

That level of authority did something. Not emotionally. Not medically. Freudianly.

The problem is she can see everything. I've accepted there is no version of events - [place the microphone carefully back in the stand] - where she didn't see my erection.

Thanks Famme

EDIT: changed "Thank you" to "Thanks Famme"

Would this be a premise worth exploring or would people just feel sorry for me?

It was kinda funny. I called her to let her know how excited I was to eat some takeaway chicken and chips and she hit me with the ‘Look, I’m not happy’. Thought she meant she wasn’t happy that I was eating chicken and chips for some reason. I asked if she wanted me to get her some chicken and she said no she didn’t want to be with me anymore. Talk about whiplash.

Fasting vs. Middle School

I don’t get the hype around intermittent fasting.

People talk about it like it’s some revolutionary health trend.

“I skip breakfast, and then I eat whatever I want for the rest of the day.”

Congratulations.

You’ve invented middle school.

That is exactly how every teenage boy lived.

“I’ve found a method that gives me mental clarity.”

No.

You have low blood sugar and smell like Axe body spray.

I then have some thought about adding parts what other type of lifestyle from teenage boys that could become the next health trend.

Downtown the other day I ran into an old friend I hadn’t seen in years.

I remember all the fun shit we used to do together.

Made me wish I’d seen him sooner. (Edit?: sooner...in the crosswalk)

It would have saved me $300

On the deductible to have my windshield and front end replaced

I went to see him in the hospital to ask if he was OK …with reimbursing me $300

I know I’ll see him again in a while. 

When I left his room he said I’ll see you in hell! (Edit?: He’s a Christian so I probably won’t see him again

When I left his room he told me I’m going to hell!)

Since I was a kid I’ve had an irrational fear of palindromes

For obvious reasons I couldn’t really talk about it to to my mom and dad

So I went to see a doctor and he gave me a prescription

For Xanax

Thanks, Dr Bob!

I have a couple jokes, essentially a monologue since I have no idea what I’m doing, any tips are appreciated.

- Now I know I’m not a failure, even though that’s what society wants me to think because I’m not a hot girl, just an overweight white guy

- After living with a woman, I’ve discovered that getting her pissed off turns me on, maybe I do have a kink of my fiancé thinking I’m a failure?

- As to not be a failure I took a job as a painter and realized I wasn’t fucked up enough for it. No DUI’s or arrests for indecent exposure.

- After I left that I applied to work at a bank, and I’ll say it’s not what I thought. There was no JP Morgan exec type woman ready to ruin me, I just sit next to a 70 year old lady all day that asks me stupid questions

Now these are all incomplete thoughts, I need to string them together, or just start over. Any thoughts help.

Hello. New to Reddit. If this isn’t the appropriate subreddit I apologize and please direct me to a more appropriate one.

So basically I signed up to an open mic night. It’s officially labeled storytelling but I am trying to make it funny. I’ve never done anything like this before and I fully expect to fail since it’s my first time, but I figured I have to get the band aid off if I’m ever going to do it and not suck.

I was trying to think of a story and asked my friends for suggestions. One suggested the “ripped pant” story.

So basically on a hike with my friends once I got a massive hole in the ass of my jeans. We thought it was hilarious and I kept them as a momento. A year later when going to class (I was in college at the time) when I woke up to go to class I accidentally put the jeans on. My roommates all had a good laugh before telling me.

I feel like that’s a “had to be there story” but my friends think I can put the right spin on it. Thoughts?

Hello guys!

Feedback greatly appreciated.

Looks

I’m not exactly a ten.

Scientists say beauty is symmetry.

Some people get described like:
“He looks like a Renaissance painting.”
Or:
“He looks like he was carved like a Greek statue.”

Me?

I look more like the result of a bachelorette party that went to a pottery class in the countryside after four glasses of natural wine.

Like someone started making a statue, changed their mind halfway through, and made an ashtray instead.

A while ago I read an article about a woman who got arrested for sexually molesting dogs.

You got to see a picture of these animals, and it was so sick

- because they weren’t even any sexy dogs

I mean…

If you with a gun to your head would have been forced to do it, you wouldn’t have picked a bulldog.

…

Is this funny or just grotesque?

As a fully accredited dog walker in Manhattan,i've now been asked to fill out a daily journal detailing events from dog pick up to return.

Day one.

A squirrel was chased round and round in circles to no avail in the park.

There was a near choking fit when an acorn was picked up. Not much from the dogs though.