u/Expensive_Pie_831

This are two parts from a longer bit I am working on about stuff we leave in the freezer:

Every freezer has that one mystery package.

Buried in the back.

Frozen to the wall.

Wrapped in three layers of aluminum foil like it’s radioactive.

Nobody knows what it is anymore.

Nobody remembers putting it there.

It could be a nice piece of meat…

or the family hamster from 2009.

We don’t know.

And we’re not opening it to find out.

As long as the foil stays on, it exists in a quantum state.

It is both dinner and biological waste at the same time.

Schrödinger’s Frozen Item.

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And then you’ve got those unlabeled plastic containers filled with some reddish-brown substance.

My wife said:

“Just throw it out. It’s probably old meat sauce.”

Throw it out?!

What if that’s my grandmother’s stew?

She died five years ago.

This could be the last remaining trace of her cooking.

You can’t throw that away.

What if scientists need it someday to clone her?

Imagine the year 2050.

A scientist in a lab coat walks in and says:

“We managed to extract DNA from the sauce”

“Your grandmother is alive again…”

“…although she still needs a bit more salt.”

(I realise it sounds more like that the stew is made from my grandmother)

Saving Money

I’ve been trying to save money, but the problem is that I eat out a lot.

My friend said:

“It would obviously be cheaper if you cooked the food yourself.”

So I tried to follow his advice.

But it’s hard to get a good sear on the meat when security is trying to drag you out of the McDonald’s kitchen.

Please let me know what you think.

The Sleepwalker

Sleepwalking is such a strange thing.

I had a girlfriend who used to sleepwalk, and she was very clear about one rule:

“Never wake a sleepwalker.”

“Apparently, they can lose their memory.”

Then one night, I woke up and she was sleepwalking.

She was packing her suitcase.

In her sleep.

Taking her passport.

In her sleep.

Walking out to a taxi that was waiting outside.

In her sleep.

Then I didn’t see her for months.

Until one day she appeared on my Instagram feed.

In Hawaii.

With another man.

And that’s when it hit me.

Some bastard must have woken her up and now she’s forgotten we’re together.

The New Dad

People always say kids are curious.

And it’s true.

They ask questions constantly.

“Dad, why is the sky blue?”

“Why does the cat meow, but the dog barks?”

“Why do you wear high heels when Mom isn’t home?”

Feedback appreciated. This might be something that is more common in elementary school during the nineties from where I am from than a common thing.

Elementary School Tools at Work

I miss some of the tools we had in elementary school.

For example, The teacher would say:

“You’re going to do a project about the Stone Age.”

All the kids:

“Oooooh no…”

And then one kid would ask:

“Can we present it as a play?”

And the teacher would go:

“Yes, yes, yes, sure. Start working on your mind maps.”

And I thought, why don’t we bring that into the workplace?

So I tried it at my company.

Management gave a very poor review of my production of the Q2 quarterly report.

I played the lead role:

Negative Cash Flow.

Fasting vs. Middle School

I don’t get the hype around intermittent fasting.

People talk about it like it’s some revolutionary health trend.

“I skip breakfast, and then I eat whatever I want for the rest of the day.”

Congratulations.

You’ve invented middle school.

That is exactly how every teenage boy lived.

“I’ve found a method that gives me mental clarity.”

No.

You have low blood sugar and smell like Axe body spray.

I then have some thought about adding parts what other type of lifestyle from teenage boys that could become the next health trend.

Feedback appreciated

Asexual life

I didn’t have much of a sex life at university.

The nice thing about living today is that you can give your failures better names.

If I said today at University, “I have not had sex for two years” people might say:

“Wow. That’s brave of you to come out as asexual.”

So I always had to explain:

“I’m not asexual, I am just studying physics.”

But honestly, it was nicer to pretend that I had chosen not to have sex, rather than admit that sex had chosen not to have me.

It did get hard going to parties, though, because people kept “asexualizing” me.

To them, I was nothing more than an 'asex object.'

If other people were being compared to prime cuts of meat, I was more like a gas station sausage.

At the beach, people kept dressing me with their eyes.

Hello guys!

Feedback greatly appreciated.

Looks

I’m not exactly a ten.

Scientists say beauty is symmetry.

Some people get described like:
“He looks like a Renaissance painting.”
Or:
“He looks like he was carved like a Greek statue.”

Me?

I look more like the result of a bachelorette party that went to a pottery class in the countryside after four glasses of natural wine.

Like someone started making a statue, changed their mind halfway through, and made an ashtray instead.

I hope I do not misuse this thread with my request, but I have a 10 min set coming up in a couple of days, and I have not written a thing!

Is there anyone who could throw me some bones, like old jokes you not really using anymore, or some completely new you have not yet tried yet, and I could maybe experiment with on stage, and provide feedback how it went. I will do it in Swedish in a small city, so the publicity of the joke is very limited, and I promise to not use it again if you want it back.

I am a male, married, 36 years old, father of two small kids. I often joke about being a bit stupid, and very reckless with my kids. Very seldom any graphic material. The most blue I ever get is to joke about masturbation.