r/SAHP

I have a 3.5 year old boy and a 1.5 year old girl, and they've both been home with me full-time since birth. I think I have reasonably high expectations for their behavior, I'm not a pushover. We have rules and there are real consequences for breaking them. But still, when I compare them to other kids (at the playground, the library, the grocery store) mine just seem to need so much *more* intervention. Particularly, constant reminders not to run completely wild.

And it's not just in my head. We tried preschool last fall and my son was kicked out in the second week for being too unruly. His pediatrician suggested we see a developmental specialist to look into various types of neurodiversity, but I want to wait until he's a little older before going down that path.

We were at the children's library today, and I saw so many other toddlers just politely following their moms around while I was literally chasing my children through the aisles.

I think this is mostly just inborn, but I'm wondering if other SAHPs struggle with this? I feel like kids in daycare basically have no choice but to learn how to be compliant and follow a schedule, and I wonder if having basically unlimited unstructured time means my kids are just behind on learning those skills. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

I have three kids. A 5 year old girl, 3 year old boy, and a 7 month old baby girl.

I do love them and have moments that I cherish sometimes. My 5 year old had a bad dream and came to bed with me the other day and actually cuddled with me, which is so unusual for her since she’s not touchy feely and I savored it. I feel joy reading her stories that she writes and am in awe at how smart she is. I love how sweet and empathetic my 3 year old is. I love watching them play together. I love my baby’s chubby cheeks and the funny sounds she’s starting to make. I love her cuddles.

Despite these positive feelings though, I dread my kids coming home from preschool every day and often don’t want to do anything with them. I hate playing with them and getting out of the house and doing something “fun” sounds exhausting and miserable. They fight a lot and whine constantly and I get very easily overstimulated. My 5 year old is so intense and does not stop talking. I want to escape whenever I’m with them.

I get breaks. They’re in preschool for 4 hours per day and I have a gym membership with childcare. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and Ritalin has helped me a lot with some major irritability I had during previous postpartum periods. The ritalin gives me motivation, focus, and helps me not snap at my kids, but my joy is still gone.

I became a SAHM to take joy in my kids in these younger years. I don’t know why I can’t. After my first daughter, I was so happy. I used to take joy in every single thing she did. I used to sing with her and swing her around and dance. I was truly happy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me now. I want to feel like me. I want to cherish my time with my kids and feel the surges of joy that I used to.

My psychiatrist prescribed me Lexapro if I wanted to take it, but I’m terrified.

Has anyone else gone through something similar?

This my second Mother’s Day. I didn’t get a card, flowers or anything. When I asked my husband this morning to wake up our 18 mo so I can have my coffee outside he said he to shower and had stuff to do. I said it’s Mother’s Day just humor me once. He said so. Eventually made his way to wake her up. Around 2 pm I said so I think I know the answer but I just have to ask, is there no card or anything? He said no he didn’t have time. (He tried to leave 10 minutes before the brunch I was hosting at home started to go to the smoke shop. He said he would have gotten flowers but i rushing him to get home) I told him Mother’s Day is the same day every year. I prepped brunch for 10 people while getting myself and baby ready. You can have at least drew something with our daughter and a marker on cardstock. Eventually I just said why am I even wasting my breath lol I’m outside now with my daughter and her water table soaking up the sun. I think me and her will watch a movie in her bed on the iPad and just snuggle before it’s time for bed. I had severe PPD and PPA and now I think it’s just time I move on. It’s really sad.

it started right after my maternity leave ended. like before I even had a chance to figure out how I felt about being home someone was already asking when I was going back.

and at first I had an answer. "probably when she's one." then she turned one and I wasn't ready and I said "maybe when she starts school." and now people are looking at me like I need to explain myself more thoroughly and honestly I don't have a better answer than I did a year ago. the thing is I don't regret staying home. my kid is thriving and I genuinely believe this is what's best for our family right now. but there's this pressure that creeps in every time someone asks. like I'm supposed to have a five year plan and a reentry date circled on a calendar somewhere.

my mom asks every few months. my old coworkers ask when we catch up. even people I barely know ask it like it's small talk. and every single time I either give a vague non answer or I over explain myself to someone who wasn't actually that invested in the first place.

the part I don't say out loud is that I'm also a little scared of the answer. like what if I don't know because I actually have no idea who I am professionally anymore.

how do you handle this question without feeling like you have to justify your whole life to people? and how do you deal with it when the pressure starts coming from inside the house too?

So I was at the park with my 4 year old son and there was a group of three kids ranging from 1-3 years old. At first I thought they were by themselves it then I noticed there was a car with people in it in the parking lot out of view of the park. 1 of the kids got stuck and was crying and I had to help them down and when I asked one of them to get their parents to help they said they weren’t allowed. So I called 911 when I left. Was this the right thing to do?

My boy turns five soon, so he'll be younger for kindergarten. That's not my concern really. He's very academically ready and will really benefit from all the social interaction in my opinion. He loves preschool (only 4 hours. 3 days a week though).

HOWEVER, I'm having a bit of a mental breakdown over how US public kindergarten is structured these days. He's going to be gone for close to 8 hours a day including bus time. The actual school day is 6 hours and 35 minutes and they get 25 minutes of recess. 25 minutes for lunch. A 15 minute snack. That's insane to me. I know it's not a school level or even a school district level decision and there's nothing I can really do about it (thanks common core and no child left behind). Thankfully his school does focus on play-based learning as much as they can with all the BS standards they have to meet for instructional time. But what the heck? This is just so inappropriate for 5-6 year old brains and bodies.

Am I overreacting? Is it going to be fine? Is it going to be a disaster? I feel sick about it honestly. We're in a good school district in a good education state in the US but I hate that this is our only option. We shouldn't be worried about burnout in effing kindergarten.

I'm curious as to what other parents' experiences have been with this? My child is used to hours of unstructured/outdoor play nearly every day and I'm just so worried about him making this transition and what it's going to do to him. I'm worried it's going to kill his imagination and love of learning.

HELP 😭

I’m a stay-at-home mom of two young kids (almost 3 and 15 months), and I’m struggling with the expectations my husband has for me. We don’t have family nearby or outside help, so it’s just the two of us. My husband works from home and is the provider, which I appreciate, but I feel like he expects me to do everything else perfectly all the time.

Up until my youngest was 6 months old, I was also working from home full-time while taking care of both children, which honestly made things even harder and more exhausting.

Now, even as a full-time SAHM, he thinks I should constantly be playing with the kids, doing educational activities, and keeping them entertained while also fully managing the household. But taking care of two toddlers and running a home is already a full-time job. I do the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry (currently by hand because our washer is broken), bedtime routines, baths, brushing teeth, appointments, and transportation for my child’s therapy. I’m also the one up with the kids at night. My husband does help put them to bed most nights, and I appreciate that, but the majority of the childcare and household responsibilities fall on me.

Part of his expectations are also related to cleanliness. For example, he thinks I should vacuum the common areas every single day. I do vacuum regularly, but realistically it ends up being every other day because there simply isn’t enough time to do everything perfectly with two toddlers. I also make almost all our meals at home, and probably 80% of them are from scratch. I literally bake bread almost every day. My kids haven’t had store-bought bread in months.

When it comes to the kids, I do a lot for them, but my husband becomes extremely anxious anytime they trip, fall, get a little scratch, or accidentally damage something. It often turns into him telling me that I’m “not taking care of them enough.” But they are toddlers. Kids fall, kids bump into things, kids scratch themselves, and sometimes they make messes or break things. That’s normal childhood behavior, and I feel like he doesn’t understand that.

On top of that, he’s become extremely anxious about cleanliness and dust/pollen levels, to the point where he checks pollen reports daily and it affects whether windows are opened or whether we leave the house. Yet despite everything I’m already doing, he still complains about the state of the apartment or things not being done well enough.

What hurts the most is that he constantly compares me to other moms he sees out in public or online, as if everyone else is somehow handling motherhood perfectly while I’m failing. Meanwhile, I feel exhausted and honestly like I have no time for myself at all. I barely even take care of basic self-care anymore.

I don’t mind contributing to the household, and I understand that he works hard financially, but I feel like his expectations of what a stay-at-home mom should accomplish without outside help are unrealistic. I guess I’m looking for outside perspectives on whether these expectations sound reasonable or if other parents would also find this overwhelming.

I am a stay at home mom of one 3 year old.
My job: is to raise toddler, clean the house; laundry, dishes, floor, dust, bedrooms, bathrooms, tidy up, grocery shop, make the meals, fix stuff that’s broken, feed pets, keep the yard weeded and healthy, etc. in addition to paying one bill.

His job: is to work at his career to support everything, manage investments, and mow the yard during the summer. Also plays well with the child and shares in reading and getting ready for bed.

I feel like I can never catch up. I feel like most homes that have the dad working also share in the house work because a toddler is a lot of work. (potty training is exhausting at the moment). He’s angry I am always behind on something, and that after years the yard isn’t fixed, dishes get behind (my least favorite task), etc. if I clean one thing, something else becomes the eyesore. I’ve asked for help but he says no, I don’t work the same hours he does. (Really!?)

When our child goes to school he wants me to return to work but because I haven’t finished my degree he thinks I don’t qualify for anything other than fast food (not true). I take time to do two fun things- a fan club that also does charity work, and my garden (which is also sadly behind). These things bring me joy, and are my only friends, but Any time i mention my club or he sees me water a plant he gets pissed that I’m doing something “fun” before my “work” is done. Work is never done for a SAHM. The tasks are revolving, never ending. Not like replacing a door; install it, and never return to it. I feel people need a release, a moment to destress. I live in my work. But he thinks I should take time to better my self to qualify for a better job instead. I’m trying to get today done, I don’t care about what job I apply for in 3 years. I care about my tasks today, to be a mom and try to manage the house. Yes I can lose track of time, but I’m doing so much and it seems that it will never matter.

He says he hates to micromanage me and I need to do more or he can’t live this way. (Then help if you hate it so much, raising a toddler is a lot of work that interrupts tasks like crazy). He doesn’t need to micro anything, I feel like I can never win.

Does anyone else feel this way?
Are the tasks balanced?

Does anyone else struggle with trying to get things done and then taking a moment to find your happy place? Or do you work until everything is done and then try to find your peace?

Is there a way to connect the gap between a SAHM and a working dad whose daily lives are very different?

How do you get it all done SAHP?

I (34f) have two girls (5 and 2) and my husband (34m) works from home. I plan to return to work when my two year old is old enough for preschool. The five year old is in kindergarten.

Originally we lived in a small ranch with two bedrooms, and he used the family room as an office. it was tough as we were constantly in his space while the girls played, but we made it work.

we recently moved to a much nicer home, where the girls have a playroom upstairs and their own rooms! and my husband has a dedicated office in the finished basement, as he refused every suggestion of an office upstairs.

He likes to sit in the living room to work, which is attached to the kitchen in an open floor plan.

I love my husband deeply, he is an amazing father, very involved and playful with the kids and makes me feel beautiful, he is kind!!! but he can also be strict in way that I am not.

he will start arguments with me or lecture me if the children are ever caught watching tv and snacking.

I work to provide healthy snacks like fresh fruit, whole grains and veggies - and screen time is limited to one to two hours max, except on days when the girls or I have a cold or flu.

he will get upset if the tv is on longer than one movie even if I have a 102 fever and pus coming out of my eyes.

he himself rarely gets sick and doesn’t have allergies so I always assume he just struggles to relate, and I usually win the argument in the end - but I’m so sick of having to argue when I’m barely conscious and watching the kids! I don’t have family that can help, and he needs to work, so it can’t be helped when we run out of the non tv activities I stockpile.

he gets upset if the kids run into the living room and make any kind of mess that I can easily clean up, which is difficult because our kitchen is literally attached to our living room, the carpet is just five feet from the table we eat at. It’s very hard to keep toddlers sitting in one place to eat! and I can’t always have them eating things that don’t make messes.

we do not use iPads and the kids don't have access to our phones

we go outside as much as we can, but sometimes I am limited. I am slowed down by frequent chronic pain and restroom breaks due to severe and well documented interstitial cystitis that seems to give me all the worst issues aside from problems with intimacy. it’s made worse with stress, and I have both an anxiety disorder from the chronic pain as well as a mother struggling with an intense cancer battle who relies greatly on me as emotional support, so I’m slowed down a lot! I still take my girls outside to garden and to parks and playdates as often as I can, though. I also work to keep the house tidy.

I don’t leave dishes in the sink, The floor is vacuumed, the toys are picked up, I make meals from scratch. my husband helps with a lot of chores too as he has much more rigid standards, and I always fall behind which is on me - I am trying to get better though. I often don’t have the floor washed and leave my own laundry to pile up. I don’t scrub the bathrooms enough beyond the aesthetic surface. I’m bad at dusting. I let junk drawers happen a lot, and he hates junk drawers.

ANYWAYS! I am so sorry for the long winded winding rant, but today we just got home yesterday from traveling, myself and both girls have some sort of upper respiratory flu. they both have bright red noses and green discharge from their noses and my lungs hurt from coughing up yellow and green blobs. somehow my period just HAD to start today too.

my husband is in the middle of the living room working. he has already suggested we go on a walk instead of resting and also yelled because my two year old ran from the kitchen into the living room with a piece of peanut butter sandwich while I was trying to unpack a suitcase

I am so sick and tired and I hate having to fight with him to make him go work down stairs. I promise the house will be tidy when he’s done working! I just hate being micromanaged in the middle of the day! I know I am not perfect and make mistakes and it’s not good for her to run around with peanut butter on her hands, but I feel like a kid being reprimanded while I try to parent 😭 and my head is KILLING me from this virus!

I am so so so grateful for everything he does and I feel guilty that I am not perfect when I dont even have to work, but man!! I wish we could have separate spaces without a fight!

It feels like I’m just doing a poor job and I’m fully convinced that the mothers of young children who appear to have it all together either have help outside the home, don’t really care enough or have children that nap for hours and sleep amazingly. I’m a stay at home mom to a 4yo boy and a 10mo boy.

Im not going to say who has the expectation (whether it’s my husband or me) because Id rather not hear opinions surrounding my marriage. Im just looking for insight from other moms on how they manage similar things.

- no dishes in the sink before dinner (meaning dishwasher is empty and dishes from breakfast and lunch get washed as they are used) leaving a clean sink for dinner prep and etc

- eating out only once a month, so we cook and eat at home every day. we also try to stick to whole ingredient, so nothing boxed or ready made frozen.

- boys are bathed daily in the summer, every other day in the winter

- I shower, get dressed and make myself look presentable daily (not always makeup, but clean dry hair etc)

- one load of laundry from start to finish daily so it doesn’t pile up

- some toys on the floor are fine but clean floors and no clutter before bed (so clean up after the kids go to sleep)

- I’m also in online school full time so I do that after they sleep

- 1-3 hours outside daily to get the kids energy out

- be interested in sex 1to2 times a week

- be open to hosting family over the weekend even with a few days notice

- take time while my husband is at work to relax as well (15-30 minutes of just sitting while the kids play)

now some issues

- my kids don’t sleep. Like 10mo wakes up almost every 30 minutes after I put him down until 11pm. so I put him down at 7, and he wakes up at 7:30/8/8:30 etc. 10mo also only naps for like 30 minutes at a time. 4yo fights sleep every single night despite having a good routine and no Screen time, like literally will scream and throw toys etc the second we say it’s bedtime.
- I feel like I have no time for myself, any tine The kids are asleep it’s still full of things I need to do

Leaving a career is hard when it’s your whole identity but how is entering the work force after being out of it for a year? Do you regret taking a break for a bit to be with your kids?

Basically what the title says!

I knew postpartum hairloss was a thing but I honestly thought it would just mean “a little extra shedding.” Nobody warned me about pulling out handfuls of hair in the shower and then spiraling every time I saw bright bathroom lighting. Im about 7 months postpartum now and the temples/front of my hairline are the worst part. I can hide some of it depending on how I style my hair but photos are brutal lately. The regrowth hairs also stick straight up so now I somehow have thinning AND weird fuzzy bangs at the same time. I think part of me is struggling with the mental side of it too because after pregnancy your body already feels unfamiliar, then your hair starts disappearing on top of everything else. Did anyone’s postpartum hair eventually stabilize on its own? Or was there something that helped with the shedding phase? Ive tried changing shampoos, vitamins, satin pillowcases, all the usual internet rabbit hole stuff.

Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about the same thing over and over.
I want someone to hand me $15,000 every month, just so I can switch places with my husband. Completely. For one entire year.
I want to watch him wake up every single day and be the default parent 24/7 for twelve full months. All the invisible labor that everyone pretends is “not that hard” would land squarely on his shoulders:
• Kids’ health, appointments, emotional meltdowns, and endless questions
• Their education, homework, motivation, and discipline
• Planning their activities, talking to teachers, communicating with coaches
• Socializing them, building their friend circles, keeping the family connected to church and community
• Coming up with fun weekends, birthdays, holidays — the whole “magic” of childhood
• Cooking, cleaning the house, mopping floors, doing dishes, taking care of the yard, feeding and cleaning up after the cats
All of it. Every single day. For a whole year.
Because he keeps telling me how easy it is. How I’m “overcomplicating things.” How he would never be late, the house would always be spotless, the kids would be perfectly raised, stimulated, and happy — and he’d still have plenty of time to learn something new and exciting for himself.
I just want to see it.
I want to sit on the sidelines like a quiet observer in my own life and watch this year-long experiment unfold. I want real proof. Not for a week or a month — but for a full year. I want to know if the house stays clean, the kids thrive, nothing falls through the cracks, and he still feels fulfilled and energized at the end of it.
And if it turns out exactly like he describes… then I’ll happily admit I was wrong and I’ve been making it all look harder than it is.
But right now? I feel like a complete failure. Like I’m somehow broken or incompetent because I struggle with the exact same life he claims is “easy.” Every day I carry this weight and wonder if I’m just not good enough.
So yeah… that’s my darkest, most honest wish. Not luxury bags or fancy trips. Just one full year of reversed roles and a front-row seat to the truth.
Has anyone else ever fantasized about forcing this kind of long-term swap? Did you do it? What actually happened?

37f. Three kids under 8. SAHP.

Last week: real haircut, styled. A dress I bought two years ago and hadn't worn. Not athleisure. Not the grey hoodie.

School drop-off: three teachers said something. One said "you look great, did something change?" An aide said she liked my dress. A mum I barely know commented on my hair.

My husband said nothing. He sees me every day. I know he wasn't ignoring it  he just didn't register.

I'm not angry at him. He's not a villain. But it did something to me  I realised I've been dressing for an audience that doesn't see me, and any effort I make goes unnoticed in the one place I might have wanted it to matter.

I need to find a reason to dress for myself that doesn't require anyone to notice. I know that's the answer. I'm not there yet.

My oldest kid watched me put on makeup every morning before work. I turned SAHM when I had my second kid, and completely stopped wearing makeup. Because I had no one to see it most days. But also I hated wearing it.

Now my second kid is 3.5 years old and stumbled upon me putting on the very rare face of makeup for a party tonight. “Mama what’s THAT?!” I told him what it was and asked if I looked pretty. He said “No you do NOT. Stop doing that!” And now I’m able to zoom out and see how crazy it must have looked to him that I’m coloring on my face with a brown crayon. Literally. Putting black paint on my eyelashes and pink marker on my lips. The whole time he’s begging me to stop coloring in my face because crayons are for paper only.

Here’s to the babies who only know our makeup-less faces and loungewear and everything else is out of their comfort zone.

Happy Mother’s Day!

I’m struggling. I have 2.5 year old twins and my husband is always working OT. The OT isn’t even necessary, we could live without it. But when he does it, it’s always before or after a shift. So sometimes the kids and I won’t see him for days at a time. I’m so grateful that he works so hard. And I’m grateful I get to stay home. But also I feel so lonely and isolated. I just feel like my needs are not being met. I have addressed this to him before but it doesn’t really go anywhere. How are yall doing this?

I need honest outside perspective on my marriage and finances because I feel like something has changed and I don’t know if this is normal.

When my husband and I first got together, I was working and we were both transparent about our finances. We could talk openly about what we each had, and there were no issues around access or honesty.

Since becoming a stay-at-home mom, things have changed. My husband now controls the main bank account and says I don’t need access because “it’s his account.” We do have a joint account, but he only transfers money into it when he feels like it.

If I ask how much money we have, he questions why I’m asking or refuses to show me. He says I don’t need to know what’s in his account.

There have also been specific situations that concern me:
- He transferred money for an oil change, then took it back when it was time for me to pay and told me to “figure it out.”
- My car (in my name) is now at risk of repossession because he decided he didn’t want to help with the payments anymore and told me to handle it.
- Our newer car is in his name, and he controls access to it. I have to ask for the keys, even though I’m the one with the kids most of the time.
- When he was overseas, I had power of attorney and used $300 for groceries and gas. After that, he removed my access.

We now have a newborn and shared responsibilities. I’m not trying to control money—I just want transparency and stability so I can take care of our household.

I’ve mentioned getting a job again, but he isn’t supportive and responds with “what about the kids?”

I’m trying to understand—Is this normal? How do couples usually handle finances in situations where one person stays home with the kids?