Are my husband’s expectations of a stay-at-home mom unrealistic?
I’m a stay-at-home mom of two young kids (almost 3 and 15 months), and I’m struggling with the expectations my husband has for me. We don’t have family nearby or outside help, so it’s just the two of us. My husband works from home and is the provider, which I appreciate, but I feel like he expects me to do everything else perfectly all the time.
Up until my youngest was 6 months old, I was also working from home full-time while taking care of both children, which honestly made things even harder and more exhausting.
Now, even as a full-time SAHM, he thinks I should constantly be playing with the kids, doing educational activities, and keeping them entertained while also fully managing the household. But taking care of two toddlers and running a home is already a full-time job. I do the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry (currently by hand because our washer is broken), bedtime routines, baths, brushing teeth, appointments, and transportation for my child’s therapy. I’m also the one up with the kids at night. My husband does help put them to bed most nights, and I appreciate that, but the majority of the childcare and household responsibilities fall on me.
Part of his expectations are also related to cleanliness. For example, he thinks I should vacuum the common areas every single day. I do vacuum regularly, but realistically it ends up being every other day because there simply isn’t enough time to do everything perfectly with two toddlers. I also make almost all our meals at home, and probably 80% of them are from scratch. I literally bake bread almost every day. My kids haven’t had store-bought bread in months.
When it comes to the kids, I do a lot for them, but my husband becomes extremely anxious anytime they trip, fall, get a little scratch, or accidentally damage something. It often turns into him telling me that I’m “not taking care of them enough.” But they are toddlers. Kids fall, kids bump into things, kids scratch themselves, and sometimes they make messes or break things. That’s normal childhood behavior, and I feel like he doesn’t understand that.
On top of that, he’s become extremely anxious about cleanliness and dust/pollen levels, to the point where he checks pollen reports daily and it affects whether windows are opened or whether we leave the house. Yet despite everything I’m already doing, he still complains about the state of the apartment or things not being done well enough.
What hurts the most is that he constantly compares me to other moms he sees out in public or online, as if everyone else is somehow handling motherhood perfectly while I’m failing. Meanwhile, I feel exhausted and honestly like I have no time for myself at all. I barely even take care of basic self-care anymore.
I don’t mind contributing to the household, and I understand that he works hard financially, but I feel like his expectations of what a stay-at-home mom should accomplish without outside help are unrealistic. I guess I’m looking for outside perspectives on whether these expectations sound reasonable or if other parents would also find this overwhelming.