r/OCD

Because im lowkey going through it and my thoughts have been horrible.

This has been going on for quite some time, and this last week has been especially hard. Nearly every moment of every day, I live my life like normal, but in my mind, something tells me to do or say really bad things. They aren't too extreme, but it's mostly socially unacceptable things. Every time I walk past a fire alarm on the wall, all I can think about is pulling it. Sometimes my hand even twitches the moment I see it. When I walk past somebody in the cafeteria holding a plate of food, something tells me to knock it out of their hands and let It smash on the ground, and then to start beating them up. I'll see somebody laying down on the ground and it'll tell me to run up and smash my foot onto their face.

But the one thing that I think about most of all is the N-word. Constantly day in and day out I have that word flowing through my brain uncontrollably. I'll combine it with other slurs even, and I can't get it out of my head. What's worse, is that because of my autism, I tend to do vocal stims a lot. Usually it's just random words or sounds that pop into my head, but they aren't really uncontrollable. Unfortunately, the most common word that's in my head is the N-word. Like I said, I can control my stims for the most part, but I'm worried that if I'm zoning out, not focusing, I may actually say the N-word. I worry this because it literally has happened once last week. I was alone in my room and I slowly whispered it to myself as I was getting out of my chair.

I feel ashamed and scared. I can't control any of these thoughts. I don't like thinking them, they are very distressing, and like I said earlier, I'm worried that if I don't pay enough attention, I might actually obey the voice telling me to do or say these things. I feel horrible. My psychiatrist and therapists don't really know why this is happening to me. They don't have an explanation. I feel like a ticking time bomb and a bad person. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I feel crazy.

Does anybody else experience things like this? Does anybody have any idea what this is or what is causing it? I'm completely in the dark. I don't like living inside this head.

I just need somewhere to vent about this because what the fuck.

I had a spiral and sought reassurance (I know that is bad), so I went to a woman specific community to ask about it since it was real event OCD.

Most people were nice but then I had someone make a comment who was suspicious that I am a man because my comments/posts from other communities apparently seem like a man wrote them and my account is not very old.

I was nice and told them that I understand why they are paranoid and that it is fucked up that they have to worry about men doing that. I explained that I was diagnosed with OCD young and that I illogically delete my Reddit accounts a lot and re make them and that I am in the process of looking for a new therapist right now and that my account looks like that because I have times during the month close to my period where I look for reassurance and that I am trying to find help for it.

But then I got a response that said

“It's moreso that your „issues" are very male coded fantasies.

I have ocd and almost feel insulted that you would bring that in connection to ocd.”

Like what? What fucking “fantasies”? I am literally diagnosed (looking into also getting help for possible PMDD since it happens around and a little after my period time) and If you look at my history I very clearly have moral OCD. I tried to be nice but I genuinely do not understand what about my account screams “male pretending to be a woman”

I guess any woman who doesn’t fit these peoples stereotypical view of how they should be/act is secretly a man now.

I get being paranoid on the internet but I feel like this is just very rude. They wouldn’t like it if I said that about them.

Sorry I have “male-coded” moral OCD I guess.

When I was very young (between 4 and 6 years old), I was diagnosed with anxiety and OCD and put on Prozac. This was in the early 90s when much less was known about these drugs. I remained medicated until I was in my early 20s when I weaned off under the guidance of a doctor.

I'm in my late 30s now and since then, I haven't been on medication, or spoken to a doctor about mental health.

As an adult, I've realized how crazy it was growing up on SSRIs.

How can I stop checking everything for immoral behavior or content? Its like I cant even send a sticker or meme to someone or repost it without having to check if the images/video isnt from some NSFW site or contain hints of any harmful material. Whenever I download something or buy something I always check to see if the contents contain immoral behavior that will get me judged by others just for owning it. I always check messages to see if I didn’t accidentally write any slurs or curse words on accident. It also makes me anxious to sit in this limbo of "did i do it?" because i fear the consequences that may have on my life.

Its really annoying and costs me valuable energy at times.

What is going great in your life? What are you super excited about and want to share? Got a funny OCD moment to share? Let's smile, laugh and share some positivity!

Hi im 20f pretty new to the workspace and the last two jobs ive had i get really bad ocd about workplace gossip and im wondering if anyone can relate or has advice?

I guess it ties into morality ocd and holding myself to super high standards but in my current job im a student and have been there 9 months. I really really love the job and have always been very professional and kind to people albeit a bit shy. A few months ago I started talking more with a coworker 30f and we have gotten super close.

She gives me lots of life advice and I really like her she is my first workplace friend but I also find she is more laid back and relaxed with work then I am. We have the same boss and one day we were talking about him and kinda came up with this inside joke about our boss making dad jokes and ever since we have been more comfortable together, we kinda joke around more. I actually like my boss and although have never said anything directly mean/gossipy about him at all, we often laugh at his awkward dad jokes or are relieved if he is off work, laugh after an awkard interaction with him, little jokes like that. Ive also told her how nervous and scared I am around him because he's my boss and thats the gist of it.

She has definitely hinted at not liking him way more than I have but anyway I find every day I work with her I come home and spend at least an hour worrying about my gossiping. I worry specifically that my coworker will tell other people about what ive said about my boss and it will somehow get back to him and ill get fired or not offered a job there in the future. I know its catastrophizing but its so debilitating to constantly worry about this and I also feel its hard to not continue this banter with my coworker cause I really like her and in the moment I am just having fun. I just worry cause I dont know her super well yet and I dont know if everyone gossips or if this is even bad but its been a pattern for me and im really hoping someone can relate or has advice.

I’m so appreciative of everyone who’s posting here, I’ve always known I’ve had ocd and it technically explains my experiences with it but even so I always felt crazy, like there was something worse wrong with me, it feels like everywhere else when ppl talk about ocd it’s somewhat light, I’m not talking about the bs “my ocd is so bad i need organize my room teehee” i mean even when people with ocd talk about it, its always really surface level, which I don’t blame them for because if you go deeper anywhere else you will get called crazy and shamed. I’ve never felt so seen before, ocd runs and ruins my life, i had to shave my head from severe trichotillomania mania, I developed agoraphobia from it, disturbing taboo intrusive thoughts that even become intrusive dreams, and extremely distressing obsessive behavior towards people my brain tells me I have a crush on, I could deal with obsessive thoughts about anything else (‘but the taboo intrusive thoughts) but my ocd is especially triggered by these fake crushes. I’ve had a lot of themes in my life and I realize from this subreddit that I’m not crazy and it feels so so so good. I’ve ended up hospitalized a few times and I realize a huge contributor was my OCD, and I didn’t have a space that made me feel validated and also helped me to distinguish reality from the delusions my ocd burdened me with. I almost want to cry, I can’t express my appreciation enough for this space and I wish I found it sooner, it’s too hard to find places where people talk about the deep reality of ocd instead of the watered down interpretations. It’s amazing how people are understanding and compassionate to ppl here about the way ocd shows up while also not feeding into it and worsening the behaviors

I think I have OCD, who else thinks it ruined their hobbies? I've always liked making YouTube videos since I was younger than 11 and I learned how to edit using Sony Vegas, and how to make thumbnails using Photoshop when I was 12 or younger and I also bought a webcam and different microphones for my videos (the last one was an Elgato Wave 3 bought in 2021) but now it became too stressful, so I stopped for a while. I obviously stopped for other reasons too but I think the main one was for the OCD, even though I made some sporadically.

I have lived alone for about 3 years which is a win on its own but last night I was brave enough to turn the stove on :) ive been using an air fryer, microwave and toaster oven but my OCD has just been evil about gas stove tops.

But i did it :D i didnt cook anything yet but I am very excited to. Make pancakes, eggs, chicken cutlets….pasta!

Wow :) life is good and OCD is ok….

I automatically adopted electricity and contamination OCD after watching Better Call Saul TV show and the Aviator movie. As well as somatic OCD like swallowing, breathing, and jaw positioning after reading about it from other people. THIS AUTOMATIC ADOPTING IS RUINING MY LIFE. Its like when I hear the OCD theme details, I get fearful saying "oh no, im going to catch this ocd theme too" and then BOOM!, I have a new obsession

I have been on Lexapro for the last ~3 years, and I recently tried switching to Wellbutrin because of some side effects (I had heard of adding Wellbutrin but my dr had me switch completely)

It turned out Wellbutrin was not for me, I had some crazy side effects for a few weeks, and I ended up having to quit it. I decided to try getting back to a baseline unmedicated before trying a new one.

It has been rough. Intrusive thoughts have come rushing back in, and it’s on top of being in a pretty stressful schedule right now. I feel like I keep dumping stuff on my partner too when I get overwhelmed, and that stresses me out more.

I’m thinking of getting onto a new SSRI or finding a psychiatrist, but the idea of starting all over sounds awful. But I’m struggling either way.

I know things will be ok but I just hate this feeling

Preface: I have severe contamination OCD. Constant washing of hands, showering, laundry, changing clothes, disinfecting wipes, washing things that shouldn’t even touch water, etc. It is so incredibly crippling.

I have lived with a number of roommates over the years but because of my OCD, I’ve done some slightly less than respectable things which I take full accountability for. Don’t get me wrong, I keep everything clean like the kitchen vanity and bathroom of course, I’m not messy or dirty and I’m actually the only person who wipes of counters, appliances, sweeps, and mops on the regular. It’s just smaller things that need to be cleaned pile up, or I do laundry a lot, etc. Or in some cases, I feel the need to wash my hands but I have yet not put on clothes (which is a whole process in and of itself) and doing so before washing my hands would make me feel as if I need to shower again, I would be fully contaminated again, so… I try and quickly wash my hands at the vanity area and head back to my room. This is the less than respectable thing I’m referring to. I know it’s silly and stupid, and I’ve tried getting reassurance from my friends but they don’t have OCD and cannot understand what prompts me to do so and that only leads to more shame. Obviously I know it’s not good to be validated, I just want someone to comfort me as I learn to heal and move on from doing stuff like that.

With that out of the way, this leads into what I want to do. More than anything, I want to pursue music. I write songs and perform them, and it’s my favorite thing in the world. But the thing that’s stopping me from beginning that is the intense shame I have surrounding my OCD. I have an intense fear of (if I ever made it big) a past Roomate of mine coming out and saying things about me/how I was as a Roomate that would completely tarnish my name and hypothetical success. This has led to obsessive thinking about the artist name I would go by. I don’t want to use my real name because I wouldn’t want them to find me easily, I was thinking a pseudonym, but a pseudonym doesn’t feel fully like me, and my family would make fun of it anyways and question why I don’t go by my real name, but I can’t tell them because they can’t understand where my worries are coming from. Obviously I can’t start the process without an artist name, but this is my entire thought process behind why I don’t have one yet, and why I can’t start. The longer I wait just makes me feel guilty.

I’m at a point right now where I think being gone from this planet would be better than suffering this way but the one thing that’s consistently held me back from that option is the possibility that I could achieve my dreams. I don’t like worrying people and I also have a fear that people will think I’m making everything about me so I haven’t told anyone that, not even my therapist. I’m moving home and back in with my family in a couple months to get better and am on route for an Intensive Outpatient Program that should speed up my recovery process 10 fold. I just want to be better and normal again. I know that in the future, looking back this will just feel like a blip in my life but it’s so big for me right now I cannot handle it. Please, any and all advice, on coping mechanisms or advice in general, people who can relate, what I can do to feel better about myself if so greatly appreciated.

I (17F) was diagnosed yesterday.

OCD. GAD. SAD.

A whole lotta letters I never thoughts I’d associate with myself. Only in the last few months have I realized that I have a condition. That there is reason for a decade of suffering.

And yesterday, was a huge breath of fresh air.

There was a reason I had those thoughts.

An excuse for all those times I’ve called “freak” and “sick.”

I woke up today convinced I had lied, exaggerated and manipulated. That I am “normal.” Just the same as everyone else. And now I’m going to ruin my body and mind with unnecessary treatment.

I know it’s just the loop. I’n trying to onto the validation.

So I’m no longer “New to OCD / Not yet diagnosed.” No. “I’m in treatment.”

PS. Thank you to everyone on here for sharing your stories and the kindness and support you all show. It has helped me on my journey to the first step.

When it comes to OCD (especially thought loops) is it better to say something like “I don’t know” or to just say nothing at all? Or maybe there is something else I’m missing? Would like to hear input on this.

I can't count the number of times that I know something as a fact but I will sit and panic over something as if that were not the case or the fact. why do we do that? just completely bypass the fact we know and have anxiety over a situation like it's something it's not. does that make sense?

Sienten que mejoran o que empeoran?

Around 7 or 8 years ago I had a health anxiety/ocd induced panic attack that led me to Paxil. It was effective, but I hated the side effects so I tapered off of a little over a year ago.

Last week, i had a symptom and the cycle began anew. The whole gang was back — intrusive thoughts, rumination, reassurance seeking, Dr. Google. This time I even made a new friend. His name is Claude and he was happy to answer all of my questions until even he noticed something weird ans refused to answer anymore. Fuck you, Claude.

I saw my PCP, psychiatrist and Therapist. The consensus was begin Lexapro and ERP therapy immediately.

I'm comfortable with the treatment plan, just like to hear some similar experiences and any thoughts on Lex. I know everyone reacts differently to medications, but any info is helpful.

I have been diagnosed with OCD since I was 15 and looking back on my life, a lot of it has been controlled by OCD. But recently I have just been I guess derealizing, like I am watching my life through a movie screen and I am able to see outside of the screen as a spectator. I have also been thinking that I am dead and that I am not actually here anymore and I am expericing things as a dead guy. What are these feelings and how do I get over them? If it helps I greened out about a month ago after smoking too much weed. Plesse help me.

I had covid in 2020. I was able to get the regeneron infusion, so the initial infection wasn't awful. Although, it led me to have worsening mental health issues like ocd. In 2021, for two years my psychiatrist (at the time) tried me on meds. multiple meds. and every time I had horrible side effects. some which landed me in the er due to serotonin syndrome. They put ssri/snri meds as an allergy in my records.

I had a break from all medications except ativan. I was prescribed .5, 2-3 times daily. well, a few deaths in my family happened and I've gotten worse. My psychiatrist ordered clomipramine for me to try. I've had it in my possession for 3 days and I can't get myself to take it! I read the side effects and they didnt seem awful. Not until my psychiatrist said in a month I'll get an EKG to make sure everything is okay. I know I need to try it, but im just so scared. :(