Intense shame surrounding OCD in the hopes of pursuing a creative career
Preface: I have severe contamination OCD. Constant washing of hands, showering, laundry, changing clothes, disinfecting wipes, washing things that shouldn’t even touch water, etc. It is so incredibly crippling.
I have lived with a number of roommates over the years but because of my OCD, I’ve done some slightly less than respectable things which I take full accountability for. Don’t get me wrong, I keep everything clean like the kitchen vanity and bathroom of course, I’m not messy or dirty and I’m actually the only person who wipes of counters, appliances, sweeps, and mops on the regular. It’s just smaller things that need to be cleaned pile up, or I do laundry a lot, etc. Or in some cases, I feel the need to wash my hands but I have yet not put on clothes (which is a whole process in and of itself) and doing so before washing my hands would make me feel as if I need to shower again, I would be fully contaminated again, so… I try and quickly wash my hands at the vanity area and head back to my room. This is the less than respectable thing I’m referring to. I know it’s silly and stupid, and I’ve tried getting reassurance from my friends but they don’t have OCD and cannot understand what prompts me to do so and that only leads to more shame. Obviously I know it’s not good to be validated, I just want someone to comfort me as I learn to heal and move on from doing stuff like that.
With that out of the way, this leads into what I want to do. More than anything, I want to pursue music. I write songs and perform them, and it’s my favorite thing in the world. But the thing that’s stopping me from beginning that is the intense shame I have surrounding my OCD. I have an intense fear of (if I ever made it big) a past Roomate of mine coming out and saying things about me/how I was as a Roomate that would completely tarnish my name and hypothetical success. This has led to obsessive thinking about the artist name I would go by. I don’t want to use my real name because I wouldn’t want them to find me easily, I was thinking a pseudonym, but a pseudonym doesn’t feel fully like me, and my family would make fun of it anyways and question why I don’t go by my real name, but I can’t tell them because they can’t understand where my worries are coming from. Obviously I can’t start the process without an artist name, but this is my entire thought process behind why I don’t have one yet, and why I can’t start. The longer I wait just makes me feel guilty.
I’m at a point right now where I think being gone from this planet would be better than suffering this way but the one thing that’s consistently held me back from that option is the possibility that I could achieve my dreams. I don’t like worrying people and I also have a fear that people will think I’m making everything about me so I haven’t told anyone that, not even my therapist. I’m moving home and back in with my family in a couple months to get better and am on route for an Intensive Outpatient Program that should speed up my recovery process 10 fold. I just want to be better and normal again. I know that in the future, looking back this will just feel like a blip in my life but it’s so big for me right now I cannot handle it. Please, any and all advice, on coping mechanisms or advice in general, people who can relate, what I can do to feel better about myself if so greatly appreciated.