Entity in my head constantly making me think obsene or offensive things, usually the N-word.
This has been going on for quite some time, and this last week has been especially hard. Nearly every moment of every day, I live my life like normal, but in my mind, something tells me to do or say really bad things. They aren't too extreme, but it's mostly socially unacceptable things. Every time I walk past a fire alarm on the wall, all I can think about is pulling it. Sometimes my hand even twitches the moment I see it. When I walk past somebody in the cafeteria holding a plate of food, something tells me to knock it out of their hands and let It smash on the ground, and then to start beating them up. I'll see somebody laying down on the ground and it'll tell me to run up and smash my foot onto their face.
But the one thing that I think about most of all is the N-word. Constantly day in and day out I have that word flowing through my brain uncontrollably. I'll combine it with other slurs even, and I can't get it out of my head. What's worse, is that because of my autism, I tend to do vocal stims a lot. Usually it's just random words or sounds that pop into my head, but they aren't really uncontrollable. Unfortunately, the most common word that's in my head is the N-word. Like I said, I can control my stims for the most part, but I'm worried that if I'm zoning out, not focusing, I may actually say the N-word. I worry this because it literally has happened once last week. I was alone in my room and I slowly whispered it to myself as I was getting out of my chair.
I feel ashamed and scared. I can't control any of these thoughts. I don't like thinking them, they are very distressing, and like I said earlier, I'm worried that if I don't pay enough attention, I might actually obey the voice telling me to do or say these things. I feel horrible. My psychiatrist and therapists don't really know why this is happening to me. They don't have an explanation. I feel like a ticking time bomb and a bad person. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I feel crazy.
Does anybody else experience things like this? Does anybody have any idea what this is or what is causing it? I'm completely in the dark. I don't like living inside this head.