My husband has been dragging out the divorce and looks like we’ll have to go to trial. There are no kids or home to fight over. After all is done, in what ways can he come back to harassment. He’s after money and you can sue people over anything. For context he has three cases against his employer that fired him to show how relentless he is.
TLDR: My husband called buying grass seed for our patchy yard a waste because we’ll eventually redo the lawn anyway. I pointed out he was willing to spend thousands finishing the attic despite plans to eventually build a second floor. He laughed and walked away. I later explained this is part of a 10-year pattern where my ideas feel dismissed while different standards apply to his. He responded by saying he’s currently focused on his mental health and “not driving his truck into a wall.” I feel torn between empathy for his struggles and feeling emotionally exhausted by the relationship dynamic.
I had an interaction with my husband recently that bothered me, but I think it’s about a much bigger pattern and I’m trying to figure out if I’m overreacting.
I asked him if it would be stupid to buy grass seed to patch the bare spots in our yard. He immediately said yes because we need to treat the weeds and improve the soil first, and he said he hates investing in something temporary that’s going to get ripped out anyway when we eventually redo the lawn properly.
So I pointed out that he was willing to spend thousands of dollars finishing the attic (insulation, flooring, etc.) even though his long-term plan was supposedly to build a second floor on the house eventually. He laughed and walked away.
Later I confronted him and explained that my frustration wasn’t really about grass seed vs attic insulation. It’s the pattern. I feel like my ideas are often dismissed quickly as “irrational” or “wasteful,” but when it’s something he wants, suddenly different logic applies.
He then said he had already decided not to do the attic anymore and that he told me this before (I genuinely do not remember this conversation). He even offered to call his dad to confirm. I told him not to bother because that wasn’t really the point.
I explained that this same dynamic has been happening in different contexts for almost 10 years now. He said he’s currently trying to get medication sorted out with his therapist and that they’re focusing on other things right now. I told him this issue feels very pressing to me emotionally and that I really need him to bring this relational pattern up in therapy.
Then he said he’s currently more focused on “not driving his truck into a wall.”
That obviously changed the tone of the conversation completely and now I feel conflicted. On one hand, I feel emotionally worn down by years of feeling dismissed, held to different standards, or laughed off when I point out inconsistencies. On the other hand, I can tell he’s struggling mentally and I don’t want to minimize that.
I guess my question is:
How do you protect your own mental health when you feel stuck in a long-term dynamic where your perspective often feels invalidated, but the other person is also clearly struggling psychologically?
And how do you stop yourself from getting emotionally dragged into every circular conversation?
I just want to break up end it give up on it. And ive told him 2 separate times he still here. He wont leave he still expects sex after the way hes treated me im not attracted to you anymore. You disgust me with your contempt for me. He just wants control over everything and shaking his legs like mad. He really is immature I didnt even realize how so. I asked him calmly to leave he says he will hes still here. Why stay with me because I cook omg please leave you can come over for dinner. I just want to be my own person and all hes doing is controlling arguments in circles complaining if he has to contribute anything its exhausting I don't want it anymore
I’m coming to Reddit because I cannot bother my close friends anymore with this drama and I just would like some insight from anyone else that has been through a toxic, narcissistic relationship. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years now, we have 3 young children together. I’ve always seen red flags in regards to his anger and his lack of empathy, but I was only 21 years old when we got married and I “thought I could fix him.” Very stupid, yes I see that now. Obviously this got worse as the years went on, and tonight it has evolved to him breaking the window in our bedroom because I got afraid he was going to put his hands on me so I went into my car and locked the doors.
I feel like I’m constantly one foot out the door. Why is it so hard to fully walk out? I want my kids to feel peace and happy. I try my best to bite my tongue when they are around because our arguments get very disgusting and I don’t want them to grow up and think this is normal. I worry about when they’re older and maybe they do something wrong, I genuinely get worried of how their father may react solely because of how he treats me. I apologize if this post is also all over the place, it’s hard to articulate all of my thoughts in one small post or even express all of the things I’ve dealt with in the duration of this marriage. But to sum it up, my third pregnancy was when he basically spiraled. He was blatantly cheating, I don’t know if he ever slept with anyone but I know that he had been talking to other women, sending girls money on TikTok lives, he was going out drinking every week, etc. Vile behavior and please don’t tell me why didn’t you leave at that point because I can’t tell you why I didn’t. Same bullshit of “I’ll change I love you” and although recently he hasn’t been going out as much sure, I just once again found onlyfans in his phone that he had subscribed to over 200 women. Like paying money for these women. Also porn basically every day regardless whether we were intimate or not.
So aside from the disgusting behaviors, he just treats me like shit. He pays the bills at the bare minimum, but he doesn’t give me money for my pockets unless he’s in a good mood and I can ask him. Otherwise I’m scraping out of money I set aside for myself and the kids. Our “family car” is constantly held over my head, every time we argue he tells me to call my parents to come pick up me and the kids and leave his car. He has kicked me out of the new place we are renting about 6 times since we moved in last September. He constantly tells me that I bring nothing to the table, I’m a stay at home mom so clearly I can’t really work right now. I found an overnight cleaning job at a local gym and he said that it would be a waste of time. The list goes on and on.
I guess basically I’m just wondering why is it hard to leave such a miserable marriage? Is it because I’m comfortable, used to it? Is it because I essentially have nothing without him? Is it because he basically degraded me to the point where I question my own self worth? It’s a lot of thoughts in my head, but I can confidently say that I know I need to leave. I just don’t get why I struggle actually doing it. And I worry about my kids being uncomfortable, they’re used to this home and their rooms and their schedules. I struggle imagining letting their dad get them on the weekends because I honestly would not even trust him to watch them that long alone. I know what they need and what they want. I think he would be incapable of taking care of them the way I do.
I also just want to say I know myself I’m not perfect. Sometimes I question if I’m narcissistic. But I don’t think a narcissist would even question that? I really don’t know. I just feel extremely confused and never know which version of my husband I’m going to get. I’m tired of dealing with his filthy behaviors, his hurtful words, and overall just neglect. I’m emotionally unfulfilled. I feel single already. I just need the push to take the plunge and leave for good.
I ended my marriage 6 years ago. My ex is a Narc, but he was so charming to everyone. He was funny and well-liked. We were together for many years, so nobody saw the divorce coming. I had been begging him to seek help for years. I even scheduled him mental health appointments, but he wouldn't go. He got with his current wife the year I left him. The abuse only continued to escalate.
Our child is now 12. She has been in counseling for 7 years. Her counselor had been legally documenting that he was coaching our child. He originally gave me 75% custody. He reopened the case two years ago and we were assigned a guardian ad litem again. The first thing he did was request that our daughter change counselors and Psychiatrists. She was also diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety. She was on medication for it.
The GAL allowed him to pick the new providers. I'm fairly certain that he selected a counselor that they personally knew, as she has been very condescending to me every time she has ever spoken to me. He didn't inform me of when our child's first appointment was. He had the Psychiatrist take her off of her mental health meds, which is what started this spiral she has been on for the past 18 months. Her entire personality has changed. She has gotten in trouble at school, she has verbally and physically assaulted me, her grades have suffered.
On top of that, she has a very obvious issue with me. My own daughter no longer respects me. She is mean directly to my face, even if other people are present. She calls me names, tells me everyone calls me "crazy", said I'm embarrassing, trashy, the other parents don't like me, etc. She intentionally ruined my birthday. She refused to acknowledge that it was my birthday. She then berated me for 3 days straight about how I ruined her life by ending my relationship last year. All of this leads up to Mother's Day, which is this weekend.
A few weeks ago, I received an email with a gift receipt from a local jewelry store. I was very confused, because it happened in real time. I'm single. I was trying to figure out who could be buying me an expensive necklace. It was my favorite gemstone. I ended up calling the jewelry store and got my feelings hurt. My ex bought it, but not for me. My daughter picked out my favorite stone for her stepmom for mother's day. That leads us up to tonight. His wife texted me and asked if she's missing some inside joke. She said my daughter told them she wants to get me a carwash ticket for mother's day and she specifically told them not to get me anything else. I told her there's no joke. Birds often poop on my car, but I had it cleaned a few days ago, which my daughter knows, as I cleaned the interior and pointed out how clean her side of the car was. My kid hates me so much that she wants to ruin every special moment for me. I nearly died giving birth to her. I was confined to a bed for half of my pregnancy. That's the only reason she survived. Having her left me permanently disabled. I get a car wash coupon, so she can basically look down on me, while her step mom opens jewelry on Mother's Day. My own child is cruel and she is targeting me. What am I supposed to do?
I need advice on how to handle my brother. He’s essentially a selfish, mean "grown baby" who always gets his way by controlling the mood of the entire house.
The pattern is always the same: if things don't go his way, or if someone calls him out on his behavior, he gets incredibly loud and aggressive. He is a master at twisting your words and turning the argument around until you are somehow the bad guy. He acts like he’s untouchable, but the second he's held accountable, he throws a tantrum or plays the victim.
I’m tired of him slipping through every situation without consequences while everyone else has to walk on eggshells around him. How do you deal with someone who refuses to grow up and uses emotional volatility to control you?
I left a little over a month ago. Together for 10+ years. Engaged for a few. He’s 8 years older than me. I’ve been numb for the last month, not responding to his texts. But I’ve had the realization he really actually didn’t care about me or love me. 10 years. I’m turning 34 in August. I hope I can recover from this … I feel I wasted my youth on someone who really didn’t feel anything for me.
TL;DR: I started dating my boyfriend mainly because I couldn’t handle him going no-contact, but the relationship has become isolating. He keeps me in a private bubble, avoids integrating social lives, acts possessive in public, and subtly discourages me from seeing others, leaving me feeling loved but cut off and unlike yourself.
I was friends with my current boyfriend for around a year before we started dating. When we were friends we would spend hours together. It seemed normal, we went places, we did activities, we also hung out with other people. However, the months leading up to our relationship, he expressed feelings for me. At the time I couldn't be in a relationship and he would go no-contact. I couldn't deal with his absence and would come back every time. Eventually I agreed to be in a relationship simply because I could not stand his absence.
Now, we've been dating for five months. During these five months, a few repeated issues have arised.
We only ever spend time alone and in his room. We'll occasionally go on dates but it'll just be 2 hours of going out for dinner and we'll go our separate ways or go again, to his room.
I have never once spent time with his friends. He also has zero interest in spending time with mine.
Back when I would bring him around my friends he would fondle me and kiss me in front of them, almost as if he was marking his territory. They found this extremely odd. I too, had to tell him a countless number of times to stop behaving like this in public but he would get offended everytime i told him this. This happened so often that I just stopped ever spending time with him around other people
He would get upset if I didn't see him, regardless of the circumstance. He would also get upset if I spent time with other people. Even though this would be subtle, I would keep picking up on it, to the point where it was easier to just reduce the time I spent with my friends.
I turn into a vegetable around him. I'll be doing nothing, saying nothing, seeing no one else. I'll just be with him. He showers me with love but I feel so isolated.
I know I was a fearfully attached partner. I know I involved myself in the push pull dynamic. I can see my protest behaviours that escalated at the end and made me look “crazy” but were me trying to get my needs met. I have talked to my therapist all about this. I have acknowledged some of my behaviours were hurtful and unacceptable.
I have also made it very clear there has been no accountability from him on his side. That he has accused me repeatedly of being abusive. That he lied about dating his new partner. That he essentially monkey branched after 15 years of marriage.
I have made it clear that the only narrative my ex has space for is his own. He can’t acknowledge any wrong doing on his part. He has shifted the blame 100% over to me. That he continues, even while being “happily” partnered for a year now with his new person to lash out in emails that call me down to the lowest.
Today I shared one of the email exchanges with my therapist. I am trying to engage about asset separation, treading carefully (with ChatGPT’s help) to not set him off. I said I was looking for an equal distribution of assets and for us to focus on building an amicable co parenting relationship. It didn’t matter; he replied with a novel of insults, telling me I was manipulated and downright disgusting for trying to rewrite the past. Telling me that I deserve what I get, etc etc. at the end of the email he made a comment about “at least our son loves you, id trade anything for that” - my therapist said “ahhh, that’s so sad” in a legit and sincere way. I was shocked. I had just spent the last hour telling her how unseen, unheard and unconsidered I was in my marriage, that my ex replaced me immediately (while lying about it and still married to me), and was actively making the separation hard, that he was trying to make sure he ended up ahead of me financially, even though he has the family support in his home community, the fancy new job, the new “better than Me” partner, and got to stay in our marital home.
She still said “ahh, that’s so sad” when my ex talked about wanting me sons love and would trade anything for it….. we could have amicably split two years ago, we could amicably spilt now. We could have had a direct conversation about the new partner and actually split finances and bank accounts then. He could have been honest about anything. He could not lash out at me when I write to him about our son being sad. My ex could do a lot of help himself in this situation, and for a while I was trying to help him, trying to explain our son and what he was feeling to him, but my ex would dismiss my take or tell me I was just trying to guilt him.
My therapist knows all this and still had so much sympathy for him today. And encouraged me to drop my boundary of exchanging gifts with my ex on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. “Show yours son guys are still a team”
We spend a lot of sessions talking about how unseen I was in my marriage and how my needs never were never a priority … and I feel like it’s happening in our sessions. I’m telling her this man is calling me manipulative and disgusting. Telling everyone I abused him. And his emails are nothing but “this is all your fault. You ruined us. You are the problem”
I don’t know what to do.
i need some advice. i divorced my narc and abusive ex-husband. we share a 5 year old and 1 year old. today was our 1 year olds birthday and he couldn’t help himself from yelling at me and ruining it. he’s so abusive in every way, jealous, on drugs, bi-polar and you name it. he can’t even pick up our kids, nothing at his place so i carry really everything. he’s below the bare minimum but me being such a good and forgiving person, i still let him come over and see his kids. the verbal abuse is getting out of hand and to do this on the day i gave birth, our child’s 1st birthday? the weekend of mother’s day….. he ruined it last year and now he ruined it again. my question is, what did it take to say fuck it and stay out of our lives or just go no contact and go to court? he owes me so much in child support and i still have let him see them. screaming in front of my 1 year old and 5 year old on his birthday bc i let him join us for the day…. made me realize this is exactly why i left. you can hurt me all you want but i will never raise two boys thinking this is how you should talk to a woman, let alone the wife and mother or your children. i do not want to traumatize them. i just need help bc i get strong and don’t respond when he calls me 30 times then a week goes by and i somehow forgive him? tonight was beyond acceptable. i was getting screamed at inside the restaurant, i was balling and people were staring. it was so beyond sad and i embarrassing. i just don’t know how much i can’t take even with him being the “father” of our boys.
Vent
We still live together we seperated because I wanted to after a final straw. He's been cheating on me for years and I allowed it because qell I said how I felt and I was always "wrong" it wasn't how it looked yet my boundries were never honored...
Be sepersted o er 6 months....the disrespect and punishments are just awful. It's even worse. I get punished for sts ding up to him he always gives the sile t treatment but along with talking to girls on vc when I'm around laughing going out there while when we were together ge disregarded that I felt uncomfortable. Now it's doubled...he knows I hate things and it Def feels like he does it on purpose.
I hate today. Today is the worst day of the year. Between nmom & my dead unborn child I do not enjoy this day .
Hi all. The narc other parent frequently demands I supply items for their parenting time with child (Currently they have limited parenting time to public places due to DV). Historically this has been car seats, strollers, etc. I have provided these everytime as I want the chid to have a great experience with both parents. However these items come back broken or intentionally dirty (they will encourage child to jump in mud with shoes I’ve sent child in). Lately the request has been child’s new bike I purchased. Other parent doesn’t pay court order child support and has not financially supported our child so in case the bike comes back broken, they would most likely not pay to replace or fix. I’m already mentally preparing for the emotional and verbal abuse I’ll endure. Is there any advice on how I can tell them I won’t be providing these child’s bike to them?