u/Elegant-Zombie5487

What does this possibly mean if I have found porn every single day of the week, found out this past weekend he went to the strip club and spent over $2,000, had searched for escorts in our area, and also learned that he had paid over hundreds on only fans subscriptions. And yes just found all of this out because I didn’t have access to his phone for months and just happened to get into it when he fell asleep. I feel completely stunned and in shock. Why would he be going to this extreme? As far as I thought we had a good sex life, we had sex pretty much once a day. This honestly has made me feel indescribable, and me and my kids are leaving this week. Just planning a secret escape so he won’t see it coming.

I’m coming to Reddit because I cannot bother my close friends anymore with this drama and I just would like some insight from anyone else that has been through a toxic, narcissistic relationship. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years now, we have 3 young children together. I’ve always seen red flags in regards to his anger and his lack of empathy, but I was only 21 years old when we got married and I “thought I could fix him.” Very stupid, yes I see that now. Obviously this got worse as the years went on, and tonight it has evolved to him breaking the window in our bedroom because I got afraid he was going to put his hands on me so I went into my car and locked the doors.

I feel like I’m constantly one foot out the door. Why is it so hard to fully walk out? I want my kids to feel peace and happy. I try my best to bite my tongue when they are around because our arguments get very disgusting and I don’t want them to grow up and think this is normal. I worry about when they’re older and maybe they do something wrong, I genuinely get worried of how their father may react solely because of how he treats me. I apologize if this post is also all over the place, it’s hard to articulate all of my thoughts in one small post or even express all of the things I’ve dealt with in the duration of this marriage. But to sum it up, my third pregnancy was when he basically spiraled. He was blatantly cheating, I don’t know if he ever slept with anyone but I know that he had been talking to other women, sending girls money on TikTok lives, he was going out drinking every week, etc. Vile behavior and please don’t tell me why didn’t you leave at that point because I can’t tell you why I didn’t. Same bullshit of “I’ll change I love you” and although recently he hasn’t been going out as much sure, I just once again found onlyfans in his phone that he had subscribed to over 200 women. Like paying money for these women. Also porn basically every day regardless whether we were intimate or not.

So aside from the disgusting behaviors, he just treats me like shit. He pays the bills at the bare minimum, but he doesn’t give me money for my pockets unless he’s in a good mood and I can ask him. Otherwise I’m scraping out of money I set aside for myself and the kids. Our “family car” is constantly held over my head, every time we argue he tells me to call my parents to come pick up me and the kids and leave his car. He has kicked me out of the new place we are renting about 6 times since we moved in last September. He constantly tells me that I bring nothing to the table, I’m a stay at home mom so clearly I can’t really work right now. I found an overnight cleaning job at a local gym and he said that it would be a waste of time. The list goes on and on.

I guess basically I’m just wondering why is it hard to leave such a miserable marriage? Is it because I’m comfortable, used to it? Is it because I essentially have nothing without him? Is it because he basically degraded me to the point where I question my own self worth? It’s a lot of thoughts in my head, but I can confidently say that I know I need to leave. I just don’t get why I struggle actually doing it. And I worry about my kids being uncomfortable, they’re used to this home and their rooms and their schedules. I struggle imagining letting their dad get them on the weekends because I honestly would not even trust him to watch them that long alone. I know what they need and what they want. I think he would be incapable of taking care of them the way I do.

I also just want to say I know myself I’m not perfect. Sometimes I question if I’m narcissistic. But I don’t think a narcissist would even question that? I really don’t know. I just feel extremely confused and never know which version of my husband I’m going to get. I’m tired of dealing with his filthy behaviors, his hurtful words, and overall just neglect. I’m emotionally unfulfilled. I feel single already. I just need the push to take the plunge and leave for good.