And he caught a cold today so he can go to the family lunch tomorrow, I’ll go alone with our daughter to HIS dad’s house. Yay!
Once again, the day can’t be about me (the mother) it has to be about him… the poor sick baby. (He has the sniffles) 🤡
I (f34) made my covert narc (m34) go to therapy it’s been about three months… no improvement! What do they talk about?
We had a situation this past week. I told him i wanted to buy grass seeds to patch the holes on the lawn. He said it is stupid to buy seeds for the lawn because we need to do a whole treatment and even maybe replace the whole lawn. I’d be spending $50 tops on two small bags of seeds. But at the same time he’s planing on spending thousands of dollars in an insulated attic for storage when our ultimate plan is to build the second floor in the house so the attic will be destroyed. Mind you, we have a whole basement for storage. When I questioned that, I got dismissed so I told him to bring it up in therapy. He said he is focusing on not crushing his car into a wall and getting medicated, he doesn’t have time to discuss these kind of things. I was basically dismissed twice. 😂
TLDR: My husband called buying grass seed for our patchy yard a waste because we’ll eventually redo the lawn anyway. I pointed out he was willing to spend thousands finishing the attic despite plans to eventually build a second floor. He laughed and walked away. I later explained this is part of a 10-year pattern where my ideas feel dismissed while different standards apply to his. He responded by saying he’s currently focused on his mental health and “not driving his truck into a wall.” I feel torn between empathy for his struggles and feeling emotionally exhausted by the relationship dynamic.
I had an interaction with my husband recently that bothered me, but I think it’s about a much bigger pattern and I’m trying to figure out if I’m overreacting.
I asked him if it would be stupid to buy grass seed to patch the bare spots in our yard. He immediately said yes because we need to treat the weeds and improve the soil first, and he said he hates investing in something temporary that’s going to get ripped out anyway when we eventually redo the lawn properly.
So I pointed out that he was willing to spend thousands of dollars finishing the attic (insulation, flooring, etc.) even though his long-term plan was supposedly to build a second floor on the house eventually. He laughed and walked away.
Later I confronted him and explained that my frustration wasn’t really about grass seed vs attic insulation. It’s the pattern. I feel like my ideas are often dismissed quickly as “irrational” or “wasteful,” but when it’s something he wants, suddenly different logic applies.
He then said he had already decided not to do the attic anymore and that he told me this before (I genuinely do not remember this conversation). He even offered to call his dad to confirm. I told him not to bother because that wasn’t really the point.
I explained that this same dynamic has been happening in different contexts for almost 10 years now. He said he’s currently trying to get medication sorted out with his therapist and that they’re focusing on other things right now. I told him this issue feels very pressing to me emotionally and that I really need him to bring this relational pattern up in therapy.
Then he said he’s currently more focused on “not driving his truck into a wall.”
That obviously changed the tone of the conversation completely and now I feel conflicted. On one hand, I feel emotionally worn down by years of feeling dismissed, held to different standards, or laughed off when I point out inconsistencies. On the other hand, I can tell he’s struggling mentally and I don’t want to minimize that.
I guess my question is:
How do you protect your own mental health when you feel stuck in a long-term dynamic where your perspective often feels invalidated, but the other person is also clearly struggling psychologically?
And how do you stop yourself from getting emotionally dragged into every circular conversation?