r/Mildlynomil

She asked if my toddler likes to help in the kitchen. I said yes she loves it followed by various examples. She said oh does ms rachel teach kitchen stuff? I said what?? She goes on to explain that my toddler is probably learning kitchen stuff from the TV. I said, no no we teach her, she helps out, and shes barely into ms rachel these days.

It was such a strange interaction. Idk if it was a dig at us as parents who know nothing? Or a dig at screen time? Or judgement towards her son as he never helped out when he was little.

I kind of wish I had turned to my partner and asked what TV show did he learn life skills from! But that would be insulting and embarassing to my partner as she was a very neglectful mum according to him.

If it was a one off I wouldnt even think about it but shes always taking digs at us so I cant help read into everything. Its pretty exhausting. I want to snap at her but shes the kind of person who'll get worse. Acting confused and grey rocking usually work best but leave me feeling pretty bitter.

I have a 4 month old, and I’ve posted before about not feeling very comfortable with my in-laws especially ever since having our baby (their first grandchild).
I recently came to stay with my parents in another state for 2 weeks before I go back to work, and honestly I’ve felt so much more at peace being away from the weekly visits and constant anxiety I feel around my MIL. She tends to “baby hog” whenever she visits, and it’s gotten overwhelming for me postpartum.
While I’ve been here, my MIL has been calling every few days to see the baby over FaceTime, and I realized I’m actually much happier with that kind of distance/contact compared to seeing her in person every week.
Part of me wants to move farther away so we’re not living so close to my in-laws, but at the same time I don’t want to take away the relationship and love my baby could have with his grandparents.
I genuinely can’t tell if this is postpartum hormones/anxiety amplifying everything or if these feelings are valid and will continue long term.
Thanks for letting me vent.

Me(28F) and boyfriend(29F) are living together. I have been cooking my own meals since very long and I like cooking. I would say I am a good cook.
My boyfriend also enjoys my cooking. He can only cook 1-2 dishes. I do most of the cooking daily.
His mother on the other hand thinks that he doesn’t eat proper meals and cannot cook so she daily calls him up and asks him to get food from her. And then she sends 3-4 people worth of food. The groceries that we order for our home end up not getting used. Once in a while or once a week it’s fine, I understand she is cooking out of love, but this is a daily routine now.
For him, it is a quick fix to get food from home instead of cooking on our own.
This thing is getting under my skin, I have been independent for a longtime now and I wanna be able to cook food for myself or us. I spend my days after 9-5 job planning what to cook and order the groceries but then he gets food from home and all my efforts go in vain.
How are you really independent if you are too lazy to cook your own food and just get it from home daily. I have tried having a conversation with him and he bluntly said that “you cook your own food and eat it” as it is not my concern.

Just wanted to get this out.

I'm wanting to try and open a conversation with my MIL about how our tense relationship is really affecting me as I've always got my guard up when visiting or seeing her and my FIL which is so draining and not good for my DD either. My SIL originally planned a camping holiday in Cornwall for MIL's birthday which would be my ps'IL, SIL and husband and me and my husband however she and her husband have now pulled out after realizing it will be too much for them and their 3 month old. My SIL has always been good in helping with what to say when things get tense with my MIL or if she says something out of line but now that she won't be there I am really dreading it.

I had a good relationship with my MIL up until the birth of my DD when she act as if she had a right to our DD, she wouldn't respect boundaries even small ones and would make me feel bad in order to get her own way. When me and my DH finally started putting our foot down she would play the victim, crying and saying that I didn't like her in order to try and manipulate my husband and I. My DD is now 1 and the relationship is still very tense as I really feel that the things she did affected my post partum experience and obviously affects me now when seeing her. I really tried to just let it go and I try to have as normal of a relationship with her as I can but it is just so tense and I feel so emotionally drained after seeing her.

I'm now pregnant with our second and am already worried about that post partum experience even though me and DH will be sending out all of our boundaries before hand so that no one has an excuse.

As I said we're supposed to be going on holiday with my ps'IL and due to the tense relationship with my MIL I really want to try and sort this out before we go otherwise I just won't enjoy the 'holiday' and won't want to be there altogether. I was hoping to have me and my DH sit down with my ps'IL to have an open conversation just explaining how I feel and how the things MIL did made me feel and how I really want to put this behind us so that it's not so tense, I know she also feels the tension also. However I have seen lots of people say not to even try because it just makes things blow up and end up worse than before or even cutting ties with MIL which I'd rather avoid. Has anyone successfully managed to have this conversation with their MIL or DIL? Do you think I should just have the conversation anyway because at this point it's so draining for me and my DH?

Any input would be helpful, TIA

My weird-ass MIL thinks this question is super disrespectful, whether it's asked before she arrives or during her stay. She used to visit a few times a year and she'd never buy her return ticket before coming. She'd always buy it during her stay, and only after we brought it up like 10 days in. She'd basically stay as long as she felt like it until we kindly asked this question, and even then she'd be visibly upset over it.

I was getting a bit fed up with this and thought it was our right to know how long she'd be staying beforehand, so that we could mentally prepare for it and also plan our days in accordance with her visit. I figured it was a pretty standard boundary to have.

So the last time she let us know she'd be coming, we asked this question through text and she instantly acted like we insulted her. We tried to explain that it wasn't personal (I ask this question to my own parents as well and they're not at all offended by it) but she just made a huge deal out of it and decided not to come at all, to which we said ok, lol.

That was 4 months ago and neither of us have heard from her since. She left my last text on read. She didn't even celebrate my husband's birthday. I was pissed on his behalf and he was upset too. This is extremely immature behavior so I'm not even sure I want her back in my life after this.

Not exactly sure how to feel about this but I'm definitely annoyed.  My MIL was on speaker phone talking to my husband and I hear her say "Oh I am using (our daughter)'s funny story to make a children's book!" DH didn't really acknowledge it and kind of moved on.  Then later she was talking on facetime to the kids telling our daughter that she's going to be in her book and starts talking about a story that I posted on facebook a couple years ago.  She hasn't asked me permission to use any of these stories about MY children in a book.  None of the stories I heard her mention even involved her, she wasn't there for them, they are literally funny little things or videos of my kids that I've shared on social media or sent in a family chat.  I find it very odd that she wouldn't even come to me and ask if she could use my stories for her own gain.  Honestly, I don't want her taking credit or being associated with special memories that I have with my children in that way and it just feels very intrusive.  Do I just come right out and tell her I'm not comfortable with her using my stories?

I suggested the grandparents take the child(3) to get an ice cream just downstairs at our hotel because I thought they would enjoy doing that with him. I was a little hesitant because my MIL(75) has some real deeply ingrained disordered opinions about food, but figured it’d be fine. as they left I specifically said that he didn’t have sunscreen on and to stay out of the sun. 45 minutes later they still aren’t back, so husband calls to find that they have gone to a museum half a mile away without telling us on a 85 F day. No diaper bag, sunscreen, sunglasses, or stroller. No phone call or text. He was fine and so were they, but I was big mad about it and my husband did a tactful rebuke, but who on earth thinks it’s cool to do such a thing?!

I want to know if people think im being overly sensitive.

My Mil is a very opiniated lady in general not necessarily obnoxious or loud about it but just very quick to be set on things.

I feel like most of what I say to her she corrects or disagrees with. Not even referring to controversial topics just everything...

Even when she's venting about something and I think im being supportive of what she is saying she will then turn around and say no its not like that.

One example I said something about a culture being more male dominated and traditional about gender roles than the country we live in. She snapped at me 'no they're not like that." But the thing is my parents are from the country/culture I was talking about, so I was referencing my own experience. But I guess she thought I was being prejudiced or something.

A frequent one is her just correcting the word ive used eg I say something and she says "no its..."

I often fact check myself after and I've used the right term. Or other times it's more a pedantic correction like if I say collar bone she says "it's the clavicle."

I think she can be like this with other people. She doesn't acknowledge their own experience or expertise. I've seen her tell a lawyer they're wrong about a legal point for example with no really reason just "the system doesn't work that way..." type thing.

She seems to do it more to me than her other children or other daughter in law though.

It does bring up my own insecurities that maybe I come across as stupid.

I mostly say nothing but if I do push back against corrections I get made out to be the bad guy. My husband knows it's annoying but just thinks im not playing nice enough.

Any suggestions on how to handle someone like this? I find her hard to understand. I wonder if maybe she doesn't fully understand that it comes across as argumentative.

I just need to VENTTTT!!!!

We’re in Australia so we had Mother’s Day lunch with the mum in law earlier today. My relationship with her is usually good. We haven’t had any dramas for years.

So it was extremely weird today when she simply did not engage with me. From the time we said hello, she did not direct a single question to me, nor did she ask how I was.

When I asked her questions or started a conversation, she responded to my husband. She joked around with my daughter but ignored me.

When my husband paid the bill, we sat in awkward silence. Then we left the restaurant, said goodbye and left.

I don’t know what I did or said but I’m done. I will happily not attend a single gathering where she’s at. I just hope she realises that this also means she will be having a lot less contact with my daughter. Yes, I can be petty!

on every other mother’s day, my husbands mom doesn’t care and when he calls and offers to take her out, she declines… but somehow, on my first mother’s day ever, at the ass crack of dawn, she texts him and tells him to call her and when he does, she says that she wants to stop by. she has a gift for me which is thoughtful but still… my parents had gifts for me and still managed to plan ahead.

no wait, it gets BETTER. my husband responded with “idk what we have going on later, let me talk to her about you visiting this evening and i’ll let you know.” His response to my frustration was “well to be fair, your parents do see our son way more and it is mother’s day and you got your parents a calendar of the baby and didn’t get my mom one..”

CRAZY how i planned ahead to see all the grandparents of my side of the family beforehand so that we could spend today with just us since it’s my first mother’s day… wouldn’t have been that difficult for him to do the same.
CRAZY how i handled getting my parents gifts and he didn’t even get his mom a card… like, did he get my parents a gift? NO. and now, if we say no to her, it’s on me because he said “let me ask her.”
CRAZY how my parents only see our kid more because they ask in advance, make more of an effort, and respect our parenting wishes (AKA, she wouldn’t stop kissing our baby in front of us when we said people couldn’t kiss our babies face) If his parents wanted to see him more, they’d do those things.

like dude.. you tryna get kicked to the couch on mother’s day? the one day im supposed to relax and not stress, you think my MIL coming over is a grand idea? on top of waiting until the DAY OF to plan it and tell me? i’m telling my dad that my husband desperately wants to do a father in law/son in law bonding hike on father’s day. MENNNNNNNN.

This is a minor thing and I'll get over it, but I need to share it with people who understand. I have dropped 99% of the rope and am VVLC with my MIL already.

Once every couple of months I feel a little spark of warmth towards my MIL, and then I do something I later regret. 

This time we were on vacation and I encouraged my 4 year old to send a postcard to my parents. He picked one, and I encouraged him to also choose one for the other grandparents. I guess I wanted to model fairness, kindness and generosity to my son.

So I let the kid draw on both cards. Wrote a few sentences together with him - more for my parents, less for my in-laws. Put the cards in the mail.

My parents send me a lovely text, thanking my son and me for the card. 

Crickets from my in-laws. It's what I expected, but after a few days I did get a little sad. A quick thank you message to me would have been appreciated.

I mentioned it to my husband, and he got a bit sheepish. Turns out, my MIL DID say thank you - to HIM. 

So, it seems like I'm subconsciously still chasing her appreciation. Because hearing about her text to him first made me angry, and then sad. 

So I'll drop the last 1% of the rope. My husband can take care of postcards to his parents from now on. Or not. I don't care. From now on I'll model to my children that we save our efforts for the people who bring us joy.

Edit: Wow, writing this down really opened the floodgates and now I'm crying alone in the bedroom. I have reached out so many times. And she always makes it clear that all that she wants is her son and grandchildren. She'll never appreciate me as his wife and mother of his children. I need to accept that, but it's really painful.

So, it's not a matter of being no-contact or forgetting. She's had a lot of issues with me since my son was born, and she's made a lot of claims about us not including her as much as she would want.

Anyone else not get a shout out from the grandparent of your child you're working hard to raise right? 🙄😒

When my fiancé 26M and I 24F were dating, his mother, my now fmil 55F, just called me his “good friend” and never seemed to take our relationship that seriously.

She did do a few things in the past that were really upsetting, but we have moved past them. I once posted about it on here but way too many people were practically ready to chase her with pitchforks saying she was out to get me. (We are Asian, and I believe a lot of her actions are cultural) I really do not believe that. She is a genuinely good person and has good intentions, her way of showing them is quite strange but if you knew her you would know what I meant.

Anyways, we got engaged a few months ago and all of a sudden it’s like I’m her long lost daughter. Every time she sees me she HAS to be near me and get her hands on me somehow. She will touch my face like a baby or just start stroking my hair. It’s EVERY TIME now when we visit his family. It’s just like some big switch was flipped.

Fiancé does tell her to stop when he sees it.

This is something that is really bothering me. I do not like my personal space invaded, and already have a hard time sharing food/drinks with people (I have OCD but she doesn’t know that). The thing is, being in people’s space is like one of fmil’s defaults. She is always up next to someone. She is really touchy with all of her sons. They are used to this- I am not. My own parents do not do this.

Fmil is has a very… big character. Honestly she is always trying to be the center of attention and LOVES that. Which is fine, but the opposite of me.

Has anyone else had this happen????

She decided she wanted everyone over for Mother’s Day. Only problem with that is this will be my first Mother’s Day. I don’t want to spend it with her. Now my husband is upset because I’m making this a big deal when I can just go along with MILs plans since we don’t have any actual plans yet ourselves (another husband problem). My MIL had no idea if we had plans or not. She just expects us to go with her plans. I also can guarantee she is not planning on celebrating the other mothers in the family (aka her DILs).

These gatherings are just everyone eating and talking and then watching the kids play (ours is only 6 months old so he won’t be joining in the kid stuff) gatherings with my ILs are boring and absolutely nothing “special” happens. It’s possibly the worst way I’d want to spend my first Mother’s Day.

What do I do? I’m leaning towards not going but my husband wants to celebrate his mom. My mom passed away so that might make MIL think she matters more since I “don’t have one anymore”

My mil on several occasions have thanked me for being a good mom, once she sent me a Starbucks gift card and in the message said thank you for taking such care of my two loves ( her son and grandson). She’s sent random texts saying thank you for taking such great care of my babies and today for Mother’s Day said thank you for being such a great mom to my grandson. I know she means well but it’s extremely annoying to me. Does anyone else find this annoying?

Situation: I am just very confused. Do grandma's have a labeled role they play in their grandkids' lives?? Mine were pretty absent, so I guess that's a role. We would visit them or they would visit us once or twice a year. I don't know about other roles except for what I've seen on TV. ​I know they can bake cookies or babysit, but those are activities, not a designated role. Is there even such thing as a designated role? Does she mean she would like a verbal invite to come visit??? Everytime she brings it up and doesnt like my initial answer of "whatever you would like so long as we talk about it beforehand" she shuts down the conversation.

Background: this mess all started when I was in the bathroom. H relayed this to me in the car when we left. He explained that he was casually talking about his plans for the week which included getting the TDAP to prepare for the kid's arrival. [If you're anti-vax, don't bother leaving a comment because I can't accept advice from a Darwin Award nominee.] My mildlynomom then announced that she will not be getting the TDAP unless we, H and I, tell her what kind of role she will play in kid's life. H explained that we are aware she works (top big boss) and it appears she is ramping up the traveling like she was doing pre-covid so we don't want to pressure her at all. He said she seemed annoyed by that answer and didnt say anything further because I came back from the bathroom.

The "role" issue is something she had brought up multiple times in the last 7 months. I have asked for clarification, but she repeated her question, what role will she play, verbatim. ​I honestly have no idea what she wants. I hate entering into a verbal sparr with her without clarification. She has already stated that she won't help/visit unless we give her a two weeks notice, which is fine. I know that boundary will change because all her plans and boundaries change when it suits her, like when she will within 24 hours, buy a plane ticket to fly across the globe to ​comfort a family member who lost their pet, or comfort the family friend whose kid was in the hospital (6 hour flights). Or when she changes her mind about how/when/where a planned trip will be executed. She once told her cousin that she would visit uncle's deathbed on her way through the area. She couldnt remember the exit and doesnt like to use any GPS and called her cousin and said sorry too bad and kept driving. GPS is her husband, who she will call back home and ask him where she is. She now requires him to drive her so she can work in the backseat and tell him how to drive the car since he is now retired.​ She has also demonstrated that she will do what she wants. Long before bubz, I requested that she please don't buy so many items, but instead try to invest in her grands' education or in tangible experiences. Initially she agreed. At the start of baby's baking time, she told me its her money and she will do what she wants with it, which is a fair statement. So now at least I know she has no intention of not buying clothes for bubz or "presentable/nice" pregnancy clothes for me.

Assessment: Is she antivax? No, absolutely not, nor had she changed her mind. Her aforementioned statement is her usual M.O. as either negotiation tactic or a ​​punishment. I.E. I wont do x bc you did y; I will do x bc I think you need x despite your claims to requiring y; i will do x because you did/didnt do y. She was the one during covid who set a timer on her phone to make us all wash our hands every 15 minutes despite none of us having left the front door for 2 weeks at that point. Would not let anyone go outside if it was windy. Made us double mask. Any produce that was brought in had to be washed with dawn (it is so damn hard to get dishsoap out of broccoli). She tried to be one of the first to get the covid shot when it was being released in waves (which she was eligible for). She gets all her vaccines as soon as possible. Her refusal to get the TDAP is a threat, plain and simple.

Can she take time off easily? Yes. She does it all the time. Work will always be her first priority, so she works while she's traveling because she is remote, is the big boss, and works at random hours. She is the type of boss who will send you emails at 11pm or 3am. She likes to travel a lot. Before covid, she was only home for less than half the year. She is a workaholic, so she can easily balance work and travel. ​Her newly retired husband is now her chauffeur for inter-state personal and professional trips.

What do you mean by punishment/control? Most recent example. H works at her company (long, aggravating story) and she did not like the answer to her question about when H would be taking paternity which would be after I squeeze out mine. She also did not like that H and I did not write a contract with her husband (my father) about how we would like him to help us. We have a verbal agreement. But writing this out now makes me see how she would like a written contract since he is ​​her interstate chauffeur. So during a company wide meeting, she told everyone that people are not to take a long time off of work, right H? (Yes she actually said that). Now that everyone's attention was on H, he announced that he would be becoming a father and said he would be taking a few days off here and there to help me out. Don't come at me about making him leave. We know this is a huge issue and not the point of this post.

Recommendation: Since she has been less than forthcoming with her expectations, goals, motivations, I feel like I am at a disadvantage in this conversation. To me, this feels random and petty. Im crowdsourcing suggestions here on how to start this conversation, what to say, etc. My next idea is to ask my aunt, who is her friend, to see what my mom has been telling the family. Well, more like complain about to the family since she has always complained about us.

I also feel like I don't have any boundaries of my own at the moment because I feel like any idea/want she will have will inevitably change. My whole plan at the moment is just: if you'd like to do something, just talk to me and we will see what we can do. Part of my anxiety may stem from her chaotic planning. My unease may also stem from the fact I dont even know what a grandma role is. Overall, I feel unbalanced and that I'm preparing for a trial when I dont even know the charges. I am open to non-Darwin Award nominee recommendations.

What the hell is a grandma role?!

DH shared some health news (nothing too crazy; just elevated levels of something he should keep an eye on). MNMIL immediately goes into her deeply deeply worried, stressed, god knows what she's thinking mode. Then turns to me and starts telling me what I should and should not cook; gives me a potion recipe and tells me to give it to him at least 2-3 times a week. She keeps going on about this; meanwhile DH has moved on to a different topic - NBA playoffs and having a great fun conversation while his now worried sick mother is giving me how-tos of taking care of him.

Combine this with my own red flag personality of not wanting to do something when I'm unnecessarily directed to do it - especially from her. LOL I mean he's my DH, and I have every intention of caring for him AND myself and being health conscious for the sake of both of lives together.

Just a worried mother; I get that.. I just listened and nodded my head while she rambled on. But like - just tell him directly; I'm not her replacement mother out here to baby him and spoon feed him healing potions like she did. I'll do that for my own baby if I ever have one.

Vent session complete. Lol.

Just wondering since my MIL has asked 3 times now that we take our son up to her workplace so she can show him off to her coworkers. She asked DH at noon to take LO up to her workplace before 5. We’re not doing it today because 1.) MIL works 40mins away and my husband gets off work between 3:30 to 4, and 2.) LO eats again at 4:30 and is ebf, I’d be pumping right after he eats, and 3.) we have plans at 5:30.

I’ve never heard of that, unless they were there specifically to visit the grandparent or run errands at their workplace but not for the sake of showing off. My parents and FIL and SMIL have never requested that. I wouldn’t care to take LO up if it wasn’t us going out of our way or extremely last minute. Why would she ask last second? DH has no problem with it if it makes sense with us being in town to do it but I just don’t care to go out of my way to introduce LO to MIL’s coworkers he’ll never see again if that makes sense. Just curious

My husband just texted me:

My dad invited us over for a BBQ in the afternoon on Mother’s Day.

Just ignored. Moved on. This is my second Mother’s Day. I just gave birth to our second 11 weeks ago. My DH asked what I wanted for Mother’s Day a few weeks ago… which I thought was weird since in my head I thought - whatever you plan?

I did think tho hey, let’s at least think and get something I want out of it. I said I wanted an uninterrupted morning (no alarms…,gym, shower, watch some bad tv, etc, than we can do brunch (we are morning people, so that would be like 10am after all that happens). So really… nothing really for him to do other than parent in the morning by himself. I even said brunch could be at the diner nearby. Then I added - and whatever you plan for the afternoon. :)

Queue this text. So, I know it sounds like a DH problem, and well it is. He’s been working on his spine, but damn that’s literally the last thing I want to do. Let’s see what happens. Guess nothing is planned for the latter half of the day…. End rant.

UPDATE BELOW. This is going to be a long post. I'm really just ranting to get this off my chest since I saw it coming already. I (30F) have spent the last 3 mother's days doing things for my MIL (55F). She likes to plan things like "family plant shopping" where we all go buy plants and then plant them for her in her garden. She then does things like ripping out most of last year's plants because she made me plant full things in almost full shade. Needless to say they died within a month and I've been the subject of small comments all year long for "killing" the plants. Very big on "oh I'm just joking" for the whole family.

Post details have been lightly edited for anonymity because it got more attention than I was expecting. Enjoy, lol. 🌻

Now to start, I do actually like my MIL. She can be very sweet/caring and would do anything for her family. She just has serious boundary issues and trained the whole family to bow to her will over the years or she will mope/throw a tantrum until they cave anyways. She is incredibly skilled with subtle manipulation. I was raised by a narcissist, your jedi powers dont work on me. FIL is the worst with enabling her tantrums and husband (32M) bowed to her as well until we met and he realized just how much she controlled him.

Now for this weekend:

I told my husband the one thing I wanted this year was to send time with him and my kids, with no MIL involvement. We have spent time with them 4 of the last 8 weekends so it's not like we are avoiding them. But I knew, he knew, she would find a way. We made plans to go to the creek with our young kids, paint some pottery, and have a movie night. MIL can't hike well and wouldn't be able to invite herself along. MIL was also supposed to have surgery today on her hip so she should be resting/recovering this weekend.

Well husband got a text from FIL this morning asking us to come over this weekend because *gasp* the surgery has been moved to next week. So this will be the last weekend for awhile she can move around freely. Now I'm used to this, I knew she would find a way and normally I would just move some things around because I'm to tired to fight it this time (3-4mo baby going through sleep regression right now) but we are booked the next few weekends.

I'm incredibly frustrated. I do understand her wanting to see the grandkids one more time before surgery and she won't be able to do a lot of things with them afterwards. I also can safely assume she made FIL bring it up so my husband agrees because instead of bringing it up herself she has been dropping hints all week about it beating around the bush. Which leads me to think she moved the surgery herself to force us to come over. Really wouldnt surprise me but I have no proof of that, pure speculation.

She has also made many unwanted comments the last couple weeks that just make me not want to be around her right now. Earlier phone call she asked about LO next doctors appointment, we said it isn't scheduled yet because we are switching pediatricians. Her immediate response was "wow you should get that done you know" in a lightly condescending tone. Thanks. I had no idea.

I'm just tired and angry. Normally husband and I would say no, we have plans but we are both pretty tired right now and just don't want to deal with the aftermath. Feeling petty, might make plans with my dad for father's day and wait to say anything until 3 days beforehand. Won't actually do it but ohhhhh it's tempting.

Thanks for reading, Happy Mother's day 😂

UPDATE We are not going. Hubs got home from work and we agree, we need to keep putting our food down until this stops no matter how tired we are right now. Other family has already caved and said they will be there so it'll be a fun ride but mother's day we will have our phones off enjoying time with our kids. I'll keep this updated if s**t hits the fan 🫡