I do they work, husband gets the gratitude
This is a minor thing and I'll get over it, but I need to share it with people who understand. I have dropped 99% of the rope and am VVLC with my MIL already.
Once every couple of months I feel a little spark of warmth towards my MIL, and then I do something I later regret.
This time we were on vacation and I encouraged my 4 year old to send a postcard to my parents. He picked one, and I encouraged him to also choose one for the other grandparents. I guess I wanted to model fairness, kindness and generosity to my son.
So I let the kid draw on both cards. Wrote a few sentences together with him - more for my parents, less for my in-laws. Put the cards in the mail.
My parents send me a lovely text, thanking my son and me for the card.
Crickets from my in-laws. It's what I expected, but after a few days I did get a little sad. A quick thank you message to me would have been appreciated.
I mentioned it to my husband, and he got a bit sheepish. Turns out, my MIL DID say thank you - to HIM.
So, it seems like I'm subconsciously still chasing her appreciation. Because hearing about her text to him first made me angry, and then sad.
So I'll drop the last 1% of the rope. My husband can take care of postcards to his parents from now on. Or not. I don't care. From now on I'll model to my children that we save our efforts for the people who bring us joy.
Edit: Wow, writing this down really opened the floodgates and now I'm crying alone in the bedroom. I have reached out so many times. And she always makes it clear that all that she wants is her son and grandchildren. She'll never appreciate me as his wife and mother of his children. I need to accept that, but it's really painful.