What's a grandma role?
Situation: I am just very confused. Do grandma's have a labeled role they play in their grandkids' lives?? Mine were pretty absent, so I guess that's a role. We would visit them or they would visit us once or twice a year. I don't know about other roles except for what I've seen on TV. I know they can bake cookies or babysit, but those are activities, not a designated role. Is there even such thing as a designated role? Does she mean she would like a verbal invite to come visit??? Everytime she brings it up and doesnt like my initial answer of "whatever you would like so long as we talk about it beforehand" she shuts down the conversation.
Background: this mess all started when I was in the bathroom. H relayed this to me in the car when we left. He explained that he was casually talking about his plans for the week which included getting the TDAP to prepare for the kid's arrival. [If you're anti-vax, don't bother leaving a comment because I can't accept advice from a Darwin Award nominee.] My mildlynomom then announced that she will not be getting the TDAP unless we, H and I, tell her what kind of role she will play in kid's life. H explained that we are aware she works (top big boss) and it appears she is ramping up the traveling like she was doing pre-covid so we don't want to pressure her at all. He said she seemed annoyed by that answer and didnt say anything further because I came back from the bathroom.
The "role" issue is something she had brought up multiple times in the last 7 months. I have asked for clarification, but she repeated her question, what role will she play, verbatim. I honestly have no idea what she wants. I hate entering into a verbal sparr with her without clarification. She has already stated that she won't help/visit unless we give her a two weeks notice, which is fine. I know that boundary will change because all her plans and boundaries change when it suits her, like when she will within 24 hours, buy a plane ticket to fly across the globe to comfort a family member who lost their pet, or comfort the family friend whose kid was in the hospital (6 hour flights). Or when she changes her mind about how/when/where a planned trip will be executed. She once told her cousin that she would visit uncle's deathbed on her way through the area. She couldnt remember the exit and doesnt like to use any GPS and called her cousin and said sorry too bad and kept driving. GPS is her husband, who she will call back home and ask him where she is. She now requires him to drive her so she can work in the backseat and tell him how to drive the car since he is now retired. She has also demonstrated that she will do what she wants. Long before bubz, I requested that she please don't buy so many items, but instead try to invest in her grands' education or in tangible experiences. Initially she agreed. At the start of baby's baking time, she told me its her money and she will do what she wants with it, which is a fair statement. So now at least I know she has no intention of not buying clothes for bubz or "presentable/nice" pregnancy clothes for me.
Assessment: Is she antivax? No, absolutely not, nor had she changed her mind. Her aforementioned statement is her usual M.O. as either negotiation tactic or a punishment. I.E. I wont do x bc you did y; I will do x bc I think you need x despite your claims to requiring y; i will do x because you did/didnt do y. She was the one during covid who set a timer on her phone to make us all wash our hands every 15 minutes despite none of us having left the front door for 2 weeks at that point. Would not let anyone go outside if it was windy. Made us double mask. Any produce that was brought in had to be washed with dawn (it is so damn hard to get dishsoap out of broccoli). She tried to be one of the first to get the covid shot when it was being released in waves (which she was eligible for). She gets all her vaccines as soon as possible. Her refusal to get the TDAP is a threat, plain and simple.
Can she take time off easily? Yes. She does it all the time. Work will always be her first priority, so she works while she's traveling because she is remote, is the big boss, and works at random hours. She is the type of boss who will send you emails at 11pm or 3am. She likes to travel a lot. Before covid, she was only home for less than half the year. She is a workaholic, so she can easily balance work and travel. Her newly retired husband is now her chauffeur for inter-state personal and professional trips.
What do you mean by punishment/control? Most recent example. H works at her company (long, aggravating story) and she did not like the answer to her question about when H would be taking paternity which would be after I squeeze out mine. She also did not like that H and I did not write a contract with her husband (my father) about how we would like him to help us. We have a verbal agreement. But writing this out now makes me see how she would like a written contract since he is her interstate chauffeur. So during a company wide meeting, she told everyone that people are not to take a long time off of work, right H? (Yes she actually said that). Now that everyone's attention was on H, he announced that he would be becoming a father and said he would be taking a few days off here and there to help me out. Don't come at me about making him leave. We know this is a huge issue and not the point of this post.
Recommendation: Since she has been less than forthcoming with her expectations, goals, motivations, I feel like I am at a disadvantage in this conversation. To me, this feels random and petty. Im crowdsourcing suggestions here on how to start this conversation, what to say, etc. My next idea is to ask my aunt, who is her friend, to see what my mom has been telling the family. Well, more like complain about to the family since she has always complained about us.
I also feel like I don't have any boundaries of my own at the moment because I feel like any idea/want she will have will inevitably change. My whole plan at the moment is just: if you'd like to do something, just talk to me and we will see what we can do. Part of my anxiety may stem from her chaotic planning. My unease may also stem from the fact I dont even know what a grandma role is. Overall, I feel unbalanced and that I'm preparing for a trial when I dont even know the charges. I am open to non-Darwin Award nominee recommendations.
What the hell is a grandma role?!