r/MedSpouse

Hi everyone! My partner received great news today that she got a 280 on Step 2.

While I don't fully understand how it all works, she sort of "chose" Family Medicine as her specialty already and is currently doing a sub-i for FM. She's always been interested in primary care, but she's starting to question if she should have considered more competitive specialties. She's just worried about being behind due to her focus being primarily on matching FM.

She's casually mentioned slightly considering derm or radiology now. Has anyone else's partners switched at this point? Did they have to play a lot of catch up?

Hey all, I am a M1 and recently got engaged to my fiancé (20F) but I think a med spouses perspective could be helpful. Today over dinner she told me that her mother called her encouraging her to stand up for her beliefs within medicine. I assumed this was in relation to a previous conversation about my reservations about the home birthing process (my future MIL home birthed all 4 kids with 2 complicated deliveries.) Turns out the conversation was referring to my fiancé's mother not believing in vaccines. My partner and I had previously briefly talked about not having chickenpox vaccines when we were children and getting immunity by infection instead, but, I wasn't aware that she also hadn't had any vaccines ever. How do I approach this conversation? My instinct is to pull studies about vaccine effectiveness vs risk, however, I don't think this is maybe the right option. She is open to having a longer conversation about it and not set on either pathway (vax or antivax.) I want to respond as her fiancé and not a doctor (or M1, whatever) but I just don't know how to even begin approaching a conversation like that.

1. Got married M1 year and our tax bills went way down from married filing jointly since med school = zero income 🙌
2. Will have moved three times (once for M1, once for PGY1 prelim, once next month for PGY2), I don't even care because as a SWE we touch grass once a month and can work remote sooooo does it even matter what city it is
3. I fix her computer issues / pay med school tuition and she recommends me meds
4. I am net negative for society and she's net positive so together we are moral neutral 🇨🇭 which is A-ok
5. Her income goes up right as I hit peak burnout / job enshittification -> as we age, med job is stable while tech careers fall off. I'll probably work for the government or some chill nonprofit
6. she has tea from the toxic surgeons and I have tea from the toxic tech bros
7. THERE IS SOME ANTI SYNERGY. Sometimes I finish work at 5am (yay oncall) but she needs to wake up to round and we fight for sink space. like ma'am I know there's sick people needing a doctor but I really gotta brush my teeth to sleep now I have a meeting in 5h

Rare med career + med spouse synergy 🙌 we really highrolled here lmao. early game support + late game carry let's goooo

My husband is a PGY1 surgical specialty and we have a 2 y/o. As a quick backstory, we have had a rocky couple of years with my postpartum being a nightmare. Husband left the day after birth to go to an optional conference. Was gone for a few months for rotations freshly postpartum. I have so much resentment and I will be the first to admit my postpartum rage was in full force.

We are at the point where I am so unhappy and I am someone who brings it up, I don’t just let it be. He gets defensive and tells me I’m just too negative and he’s too overwhelmed. Nothing changes when I bring things up so it ends up being me nagging and essentially begging for what I feel is the bare minimum. My question I guess is what do you feel is reasonable to request from your partner, and more specifically during residency. There are days when he doesn’t talk to me (not even a text back) until he’s on his way home, doesn’t update me if he’s going to be late, makes no effort to connect throughout the day. I don’t remember the last time we went on a date. He rarely touches me when he is home and when he’s home he’s either playing with our daughter or (mostly) on his phone. He snaps at me a lot, and me back at him (It’s something I hate about myself and I’m working on it). He honestly does absolutely nothing to help me feel loved or thought of. As far as household and familial responsibilities he’s told me to not count on him for anything for the next 5 years.

I feel like it is insane for him to tell me that, to have to beg for him to connect with me throughout the day and keep me updated, etc. Are my standards too high for someone in residency? Do I really need to suck it up and deal, or does my partner just suck? What do your spouses do?

I'm here to just vent because I am so unbelievably over this whole process. There are two months left before my husband is an Attending and it feels UNBEARABLE. It's a Saturday night and his short nap has now turned into him going upstairs to bed. We went out to lunch (big deal!), came back and he said he'll take a nap and when I tried to wake him up (as usual, he got annoyed) and knowing we have to go get groceries or get something to eat, he went upstairs. I'm so disappointed and sad. I've had enough.

I (female) have a bf that will be starting med school in the fall and we will be doing long distance for a while. We never lived together but I know he won’t be making money during his 1st years of school. I’m 26 and I have a non-healthcare role that’s pretty cushy for the time being. Since we are not engaged… would you still support your bf/gf financially or would that be dependent on if you were engaged? What would you do in this situation? He doesn’t ask for money but I’m just wondering, what are some ways I could support without doing too much (without a ring)?

TLDR at the bottom

I (23F) supported my boyfriend (26M) through med school for 3 years, and once he became a doctor he gave up on me.
This is long, but I genuinely feel shattered and need outside perspectives.

We started dating when he was in his second year of med school. We come from the same Middle Eastern background, same religion (Muslim), same values, and honestly had amazing chemistry.
I’m an engineer so him being busy was something I could understand and get over.

The biggest issue from day one was his family.
They’re very conservative and believed they should choose who he marries. Despite me being from the same culture and religion, they refused to accept me. For years they insulted me, refused to meet me, and made our relationship incredibly difficult.

Still, I stayed.
I supported him through everything:
- staying up every night on FaceTime while he cried or vented about med school and family pressure
- emotionally carrying him through breakdowns
- spending thousands on gifts and supporting him however I could
- constantly asking for less and less from him because I thought being understanding would make him love me more

We were conservative, so we never lived together. We did things “properly” according to our values and planned to get engaged near the end of his final year of med school.

Eventually, after YEARS of resistance, his parents finally gave us the green light. I genuinely thought everything we suffered through was finally worth it.

Then suddenly they changed their minds again and told him if he married me, he would no longer be their son.

He spiraled mentally. He became depressed, isolated himself, and we both fell apart emotionally. Around graduation time, we ended things because everything became too painful. He graduated medical school, and I couldn’t even attend because I wasn’t his fiancée. Then he went to Europe for 2 months “to clear his mind”.

After 2 months of no contact, he came back and messaged me saying his parents had changed their minds AGAIN and that they now supported us getting married.

I was hesitant because at this point I didn’t trust his parents anymore. I told him:
“I’ll only come back if you promise me that if your parents change their minds again, you’ll still come ask for my hand alone.”

He was EXTREMELY adamant.
He promised me:
- he would “stop at nothing”
- he would “crawl” to my house alone if he had to
- that nothing would stop him from marrying me

So I believed him. A few months passed, and every time I asked about engagement plans he became angry and avoidant. I could tell deep down he knew his parents were going to cancel again.

Then it happened. His parents once again said if he married me they would disown him. They told him he could go alone if he wanted, but they would not support him in any way.
He completely collapsed emotionally.

I reminded him of his promise that he said he would still come alone and choose me regardless.

And suddenly everything changed.

He told me:
- he “couldn’t” do it without his parents
- he couldn’t promise marriage anymore
- if I wanted to “stay along for the ride” I could, but he had no timeline or guarantee
- and if I wanted to leave, that was my decision

Basically, he wanted me to end it so he wouldn’t have to carry the guilt of breaking his promises.

I asked him one last time:
“Can you at least promise you’ll keep trying and eventually come alone?”
He said he can’t make that promise.
So I ended the relationship.

When I ended it he said that if i leave he will still uphold his duty of marrying me the traditional way. I told him not to make any promises he can’t keep but I was honest and said I’ll try to move on. A small part of me was happy that he still wanted to try to make things right though.

We tried no contact, but after a few days I called him because after 3 years I couldn’t suddenly erase someone from my life.
The person who answered the phone didn’t even feel like him anymore.

He became cruel and cold in a way I’ve never experienced before. He told me:
- “leave me alone” “you left me” “I hate you” “go f*** yourself” “all you do is hurt me like my parents” “I care more about my work than you” the call was a lot worse he was yelling and swearing so much and started getting even more angry when I began to cry.

Then he literally said he wanted to go watch his TV show and hung up.

I tried reaching out afterwards to end things peacefully or talk maturely in person, but he ignored every message and call.

But what broke me most was what happened after.
ONE WEEK later, he had already started adding multiple women from our area on social media (some who even dress very provocatively) Including girls he specifically told me not to worry about during our relationship. I of course would expect him to have began speaking to them since a lot of these women have tried to reach out to him before. He never had any women on social media before this other than coworkers.

This is the same man who claimed to be ultra religious. The same man who said I was the love of his life. The same man who cried over losing me.

And somehow within a week he was already entertaining other women while I could barely get out of bed. That’s the part I can’t understand.

How do you spend 3 years building a future with someone, talking about marriage, calling them your soulmate, letting them support you through the hardest years of your life… and then move on instantly?
I feel used. Like I helped build him into the man and doctor he wanted to become, and once he finally got there, he discarded me because I became too difficult to fight for.

Did he ever actually love me or was I just emotional support until his life got better?

TL;DR: I supported my boyfriend through 3 years of med school while dealing with his extremely controlling parents who never accepted me. He repeatedly promised he would marry me even if his parents disowned him, but when the time came, he backed out and told me he could no longer promise me a future. We broke up, and within ONE WEEK he became cold, told me he hated me, and started adding multiple new women on social media including girls he told me not to worry about during our relationship. I genuinely feel discarded after sacrificing so much for someone who claimed I was the love of his life.

Just posting into the void because I’m kind of down. My husband’s med school graduation is tomorrow. My first Mother’s Day with a baby earthside is Sunday (I’m also pregnant again). But all festivities this weekend are going to his graduation and I’m not being acknowledged. I get that he’s worked so hard for this but it does really suck that my very first Mother’s Day is not going to be about me at all. And it makes me sad he can’t even do something small to make me feel special on it. But I just have to deal because otherwise I’m taking it away from him…

My spouse and I have been together over a decade and we’ve been together before they even considered going into medicine, so I’ve had a front row seat to how medicine has impacted them.

With what started as a genuine passion and something they were so excited to pursue has only turned into a worse nightmare as each year of residency passes.

They hate everything about medicine and have reached a state a genuine depression. We have one year left of this residency program and I am counting the days until it’s over, it’s that miserable watching them suffer this way.

I don’t have anyone else who can relate to this, everyone just thinks we are going to be super rich and happy after residency ends, and no one really takes my concerns seriously as they seem like over exaggerated complaints.

At this point, I think my spouse is going to leave medicine; however, we don’t know what that looks like. Has anyone here had a partner that left medicine and were happy with that choice? I’d love to hear success stories here because I need a light at the end of the tunnel 😫

I’m lowkey in a cycle of shrinking myself to manage my husband’s (PGY3) emotions, successes, failures, etc. I work a job I like, live in a city we like, have friends and hobbies, but gdi since day one residency has forced me to walk on eggshells every evening it feels like. Is my husband happy and open to chatting about my day or what I’m excited about because he had a success? Or is he beating himself up or had a minor mess up and now I have to stay calm, quiet, not bring up anything that may or may not make him feel worse? I’ve learned to not ambush him with telling him about my day or asking him to do things after work, etc. but jfc I’m so sick of, for example, getting excited about something (an event, a pregnancy announcement, a new restaurant) and then having to stfu because he messed up in clinic. I’m sick of being nervous to even ask something like if we can do X on Y date, because he might get irritated about having to be on call or not knowing his schedule. I’m sick of making myself smaller because my achievements or my goals or my joys are simply not as important as his (granted, this is self-imposed but still). It’s not even that HE makes me feel this way directly, it’s just the state of things. The soul-sucking day ruining rollercoaster of residency.

I’m also quite frankly sick of seeing him light up so much when he’s talking to his co-residents about work. It’s good he likes work, but I am not work. I often don’t feel like I or my mundane half of our lives compares to his work or success, and that’s a bummer.

Tbh I don’t really feel THAT strongly about all of this, most of the time, I just need to dump it somewhere. I am totally capable of feeling things on my own and enjoying my own life, I just get in ruts where I wish we felt more in everything together.

Anyway, less of a question and more just - anyone else? And yeah, I can talk to my friends or parents, but I want to share myself and my joy and my hardships (however minimal they are compared to residency blah blah) with my partner.

I’m a nurse working 3–4 12-hour shifts a week. On my days off, I’m usually recovering and taking care of things like laundry, groceries, and meal prep. My husband is about to start his 3rd year of IM residency and has a demanding schedule (often 6 days a week during inpatient), so I understand he’s under a lot of pressure.

Recently, he’s been asking me to adjust my schedule more to align with his so we can spend more time together. I’ve tried doing that in the past, but honestly, there hasn’t really been anything to look forward to. I end up in the kitchen cooking most of the day while he studies or watches TV. It’s starting to feel more like a roommate situation than a marriage.

I’ve suggested we sit down and go over our schedules together, but he feels like I should just be able to follow his calendar without needing him to walk me through it.

He’s also a picky eater, so I meal prep his lunches for the week. He doesn’t like eating the same meal more than once or twice, so I end up making multiple different meals. I didn’t mind at first, but lately I’ve been feeling unappreciated.

Financially, we split rent and utilities, and I cover groceries and my personal expenses. He mentioned that even in the future (when he becomes an attending), we might keep the same financial structure. Recently, he also said we should “combine our income so it’s a fair playing ground,” but when I asked for clarification, it wasn’t very clear what that would look like. I suggested if we’re doing 50/50, we should at least list out all bills and expectations so it’s transparent but he got mad instead

Another thing that’s been bothering me is that he expects me to look good, but doesn’t really contribute toward those personal expenses. I used to go out of my way to celebrate him (small gifts, celebrating the end of tough rotations, etc.), but he often seems unappreciative, which has made me pull back.

Because of his money attitude, from my standpoint I'm not comfortable with a joint account but open to a share account where we can deposit funds monthly to pay for bills and perhaps save the rest in a joint saving account.
In my opinion, I think I do my best to support him but he's always unappreciative and something to complain about.

is this a common dynamic? How do you navigate expectations around time, finances, and support without feeling like things are one-sided?

Would really appreciate hearing other perspectives.

TL: DR: Wanting to see matching process for Fiancée matching in PA as a DO.

Not sure if this is the right place, but I’m (M24) looking for general insight on neurology residency programs in the Philadelphia and metro PA area. My fiancée (F23) is a second year DO student at VCOM in Spartanburg, SC, which is a private school. She’s a high performer in her class and is interested in neurology. We moved to SC for her medical school after college and initially thought we’d want to stay in the Upstate long term since it’s quite nice for what it is, but after living here for a couple years and settling in, we’ve realized we’d prefer to leave South Carolina and are hoping to end up back in Pennsylvania for reasons like family, support, and overall quality of life.
I also understand this is her career and that the match process is unpredictable, so I know I can’t control where she ends up and I’ll support whatever path she takes.
I know there are a lot of unknowns in med school and the match process, so we’re not trying to plan anything too rigidly. I’m mainly trying to understand how competitive Philly area neurology programs are for DO applicants, what generally makes someone a strong applicant, and how she can best stay competitive.
I appreciate any insight, just trying to get a better sense of the process!

I know he works crazy hours and I have a more 9-5-type job. Yes, objectively I work fewer hours. But I still work extremely hard and have worked incredibly shitty jobs in the past where I pulled this 80+ hour weeks making less than he does.

Not to mention the amount I do to accommodate his schedule, make his life easier, and try to ease his stress. It was incredibly hurtful and invalidating to hear. I come from a really low income background and had to overcome a lot to get to where I am and he was more to much more comfortable and privilege. I worked my ass off to get to here and it killed me that this is how he feels and that he’d say it to my face.

My husband is a family doctor. He recently started seeing a patient. This patient randomly found him on Instagram and sent a flirty DM to him yesterday. He blocked her. I googled his name and weirdly his IG is attached to the Google search engine. I was wondering if it's possible to have his info removed from Google or have it filtered to where it's hard to find him? I know since he's in the medical field his info can't be fully removed. I'm just weirded out.

Mostly posting this to see if I’m being over the top or if this is a standard experience.

My husband just started MS3, and is doing his surgery rotation currently.

He had a nontraditional path to medicine and we are prob 5/6 years older than the average couple in Med School. I’ve had some big reservations about him starting this career path- just thinking about how it puts our lives on hold financially/means we spend less quality time together/negatively impacts my career, etc (everyone here knows what I mean).

A big way he’s made this feel better for me is consistently reassuring me he’s not interested in doing a 90hr a week residency or pursuing a field with notoriously bad work/life balance. He’s been set on EM for the past 16months ish, and he always cites that it’s the low number of shifts/hours worked compared to other fields.

I’ve recently been feeling good about this- I’m working two jobs currently to get an extra certification in my field to prepare for our eventual relocation for residency, which is hard, but I’ve been embracing the busy time in our lives. We’ve even been planning on trying for a baby this summer.

So last weekend he makes a comment very offhandedly about where he’d need to apply for residency if he chooses to do gen surgery. He said at first it wasn’t something he really wanted to do, just a thought he had, but as the week’s gone on he’s continuing to bring it up. It’s made me upset consistently when he talks about it, because I feel like his priority is finding the coolest and most fun job in medicine, not thinking about what would be conducive to family life. Ego is also an issue here I feel.

How did other people cope with the up and down of not knowing what your spouse would choose for residency??

Husband is an attending surgeon looking for a new job (very specialized field). We live near my family and in a place we both love and neither one of us wants to leave. We have two kids (1 and 3).

Would it be crazy for him to move and come back on the weekends?

The other issue is the preschool we use is a language immersion program and there are only a couple in the US. The kids learning his native language and being able to talk to his family is very important to both of us. Ideally he would move back within a few years, but we obviously have no control over job openings in the area. Thoughts??

my husband is finishing his 5th year of medical residency and I’m completely burnt out as the spouse. His mood is constantly determined by the feedback he gets at work and it’s exhausting living on eggshells about how is he going to act today. We have 2 daughters and I’m 8 months pregnant. Hes not a very appreciative person and if anything he tells me I’m not supportive enough which is wild. I’m not going to get into the details of all that I do but there’s no way to objectively say I don’t go above and beyhond for my family. He has his final exam in 3 weeks and he is really stressed and short with me and my daughters. We have to move a few weeks after I deliver for his upcoming fellowship, and we also need to rent out our house. There’s people coming to view our house tomorrow and he just left to study and basically said he can’t help me clean or get the house ready because he’s too busy studying. I just don’t know how to see the light at the end of the tunnel or if there really is one. I know I hear residency is hard but how can I believe he won’t still be like this when he’s done. If anyone has any reassurance it will get better please share.

I have been struggling with my marriage lately. We have been married for a couple of years but have been together for almost a decade. We’ve overcome quite a bit together but lately I just feel so disconnected.

My partner m27 is in med school and has pushed taking his step 1 several times. We’re at a point where if he pushes this exam any longer, it will add another year to this long path. It’s hard. I get it. What I don’t get is not prioritizing this exam and continuously pushing it, getting stressed out and letting it all out on me.

I’m constantly asked to help him focus. So sometimes I question when he’s clearly distracted. Today I questioned why he was playing video games in the middle of the day and was cussed and told to shut up because “I distracted him” and he lost the match. We’ve been fighting for months now about this one stupid game. He refuses to give it up.

I’m just so tired of dealing with this immaturity. I’m just continuously confused. He’s my best friend and I love him. He’s so good in certain things but when it comes to responsibility, having straight priorities and managing his frustration and not disrespecting me when he’s upset… he’s very bad at it and it gets ugly sometimes.

I don’t know how much more of “med school is stressful” I can take for this behavior.