r/MadeOfStyrofoam

❓️

this is one of the paintings i'll be defending this week, rest isn't finished yet aaaaaaaaaaaaa

I’ve been buying dressings from the same pharmacy fairly regularly now and I know they probably don’t remember me but I still feel like they know exactly why I keep buying stuff lol

could go tomorrow and nobody would even know. i just wish someone would talk to me

My wife was cracking jokes about my struggles all day today and I'm already struggling with the urges real bad. The urges though they make me wanna go backwards. Backwards into a place I feel comfortable with. A place I know all too well

now this is more of a protocol if I ever do get a shot, cuz I have A LOT more scars on my right hand then my left, thing is both are at a certain angle to the point where if I hold them really close to me you can still see em, I also have F A T carved into my left arm so that’s amazing:) uhhh any ideas? I FORGOT TO MENTION IM A GUY AND MY MOM IS USUALLY IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME WHEN IM GETTING A SHOT

im such a loser ive got no one to talk to so my head is ruminating on her and my ex only friend who despite their performative moral righteousness is a two faced snake who would knowingly befriend their supposed bEsT fRiEnD’s bully. :P

everything seems to be mostly fine?

i still cut sometimes out of boredom but not really because i desperately need to or anything. not really suicidal much either seemingly. at least nothing out of the ordinary

honestly im really glad he came into my life. it was really fucking sudden and im surprised i did so much with him honestly. though my time with him has kinda confirmed something i was afraid of

intimacy in general ranging from hugs to kisses to OTHER stuff does make me feel pretty happy as im going through with it but after a day or so passes it always feels like it never happened and i go back to being meh. like at least i dont feel starved or anything but i dont feel full either. i always imagined kissing for example as something that would.. spark me in a sense? like id expect to feel something suddenly change inside me or freeze or just feel SOMETHING and like i do feel happy, love and so on but it's also kind of mechanical. funny thing is i can basically never have enough and every kiss just turns into another 😭😭

i still have mood swings. i dont think im angry as much anymore but i do go from feeling really depressed to feeling "okay". my bdd still affects me but i dont feel the need to body check which feels great. having someone who genuinely likes me and my body and so on gives me just enough validation to get through life even if i still feel ugly sometimes.

im considering begging my parents to take me to a psychologist or something even if i embarrass myself because im getting kind of desperate to start healing

that's it for today. goodluck

In bathrooms again at work. I truly feel like an addict. Only difference between being 17 and 20 is jsut the bathroom I’m doing it in.

I thought if anyone you guys could understand

Might buy an arm sleeve for the summer, does it work?

I want to relapse so badly, but I can't because I've decided that I need to stop doing this for summer since I'm scared my mom will find out for 3rd time. Without doing that I sometimes get those outbursts of anger or something like that because I have nowhere to release those emotions. This whole situation freaking sucks.

straight to the point i guess

i fucking tormented him, i made him feel so horrible and i can’t change that no matter how much i want to. i genuinely feel like im going insane it’s gotten to a point where i delude myself into thinking everything’s fine and we’ll get back together.

i open our dms and smile and call him my sweetheart only to be smacked in the face by the reality that i created for myself. i fantasise about holding him and apologising over and over again and telling him that i will die before i let anything hurt him ever again. i do nothing but lay in my bed and stare at his profile for hours and hours and hours just waiting for any sign of life.

i will think about how much i want him to be okay then feel bitter at the sign of his happiness and then i feel like throwing up all over again because how could i possibly think such a thing when IM the one who hurt him?

i stalk his spotify and whenever he listens to a song i recommended him my heart starts to beat so hard and i cannot stop hyperventilating all because he may have had a thought about me. i want to apologise and i want to take back what i did but i can’t and it is causing me to spiral completely. i go from feeling like he is the most beautiful human being in the world and my soulmate and the love of my life to wanting to hurt him all over again in that same cycle constantly and im exhausted and ashamed and disgusted with myself.

i reread the messages we sent to each other afterwards searching for some kind of kindness and then i will listen to the sound of me rambling about how sorry i am and he sounds so distant and i get it completely and it makes me want to tear the skin off my body.

i can’t eat without feeling like im going to throw up and i cant sleep without dreaming about him i have no escape from my actions at any point and i know that it’s all my fault. i know it’s normal to feel so guilty after doing such a thing to a person you treasured but holy fuck i am actually losing myself and i don’t see a way out of this and even THAT feels selfish because i don’t feel like im allowed to feel pain, but ive never felt that way at all? i’ve always thought feeling pain regardless of your circumstances was a healthy part of emotional expression but i can’t help feeling like a horrible person when im having these horrible thoughts, but i know how much i love and care about the people around me and i know i hate hurting people and i know i don’t want to do that to anybody but i have and i did that and i have nothing at all to anchor myself to. it’s only getting worse with time i quite literally do not think there’s a way out 👍