im such a loser ive got no one to talk to so my head is ruminating on her and my ex only friend who despite their performative moral righteousness is a two faced snake who would knowingly befriend their supposed bEsT fRiEnD’s bully. :P
when i do actually voice my hurts like the almost grown up i am supposed to be i am either ignored or dismissed. alex only cared when i was so burnt out of our friendship that i had no empathy left for them. the verbal and non verbal signs were there that their behaviour was not okay but they only cared at the end to make up for it with phoney grand gestures to make it out like they were the one being used. it took three years for me to finally tell them to fuck off (still in a much more polite way than i had hoped 😒. still want to write them) and for what. i’ve still got no one. my mom and sister are decent to me on a normal day but only acted extra fake nice for a bit after i burst their bubble that alex isnt this perfect person their image reflects and they’ve betrayed me more than twice without feeling any remorse. my mom has a shitty boss and shitty male coworkers so she has to come home and take her misery out on me. i’ve been doing fine for myself this semester. i’ve got low-high nineties in all my classes and i’ve been managing having no one to talk to whatsoever. compared to last semester this is a major improvement, even if i still have a few other things to sort out. my rooms messy but its not dirty. i’ve done most of my other household chores before its 7 and she has to go around and nitpick everything for not being done exactly right. talking down to me like im some sort of bum like im going to become like my aunt which has been everyone’s insult for me for several reasons since i was a literal fucking child. now shes blown off steam and is watching mind numbing organization videos on youtube shorts after she completely wrecked my night. this is how it always is for me. and just cause i tell her i dont want to be talked to like im trash. and then she flips it like i was the one who started talking to her that way. i had a fine day for being alone through it all i got my schoolwork done was able to socialize a bit at school without feeling like a TOTAL creeper and she has to throw me into my pit. im going for my first counselling session in a couple days and she still insists that therapy wont work for her lmao. if everyone cant be fucking mute i want to go off in a cabin in the woods and become a hermit for the rest of my days. ive been doing better during the day (the average day) but night time someone (usually her) always has to say something to make me wish i could sleep forever. i dont even feel like looking forward to anything in this state. socially or academically. i hate being the sensitive little kid i was always criticized for being i cant even handle the smallest criticism without it shaking me to my core and disrupting my faith in anything and everything. i hate you u/emofrigginnugget (not being able to use my real name here kind of takes me out of the moment heh). you should have drowned yourself when you were eleven like you wanted to. things were only going to get worse from there if you gave up on yourself then so easily.
*not an active risk btw i’ll forget about this by tomorrow afternoon
i’ve found two separate organisms who i can play roblox with and be goofy with i thought online friendships were a farce and not real but holy shit i feel so much happier than i did a month ago