u/SadnessEnjoyer

Before I say anything, I know that technically all self harm is valid, but it’s just really hard to convince myself of that when it applies to me in particular.

The main reason for my insecurities isn’t really to do with the depth or severity of my wounds (although I guess it does factor in somewhat). It’s actually more about the reason I self harm and the way in which I go about it.

My self harm is almost always planned if it involves cutting, and I take this fucked up sense of comfort in the “methodical“ way in which I go about it. It’s like for a couple of hours in the day I’m in my own little bubble where I have complete control over what happens to me and that feels very powerful in a world that is loud and confusing to me. Most of the time in my day to day life I don’t feel like the person in control of my actions or thoughts.
But the methodical, excruciatingly slow way in which I hurt myself makes me feel like I’m not valid when I compare myself to people who do it as a spur of the moment thing with no prior setup or planning.

I feel like an attention seeking fraud who’s only pretending to struggle. I often have the urge to miss my appointments with my care coordinator because what if there’s absolutely NOTHING wrong with me and I’m taking resources away from someone else who actually needs help??

I’m sorry for the wall of text but I think I just needed to rant and get these stupid brain things into written words instead of letting them bounce against the inside of my skull like lopsided dragonflies.