r/Healthygamergg

I thought I will write a emotionally charged post but after seeing rules, I don't think its a good way, In a nutshell, I get triggered when I see or listen to my mom, it gets so bad that it has led to physical altercations with her. The worse part is now I don't even feel guilt because I feel so much hate towards her, just listening to her is so draining, whenever i listen to her its like my entire mind and body are screaming control yourself or it will happen again. I try to control myself but after so many years I can't anymore, even when she is right and honest my hatred gets the better of me. I understand that i can't control her or change her. She is her own person and my expectations of her are wrong but is it wrong to even hope that she would be a little receptive of what i say, since many years in the past, I have told her stay away from me but she always says I am not wrong why should I, she doesn't understand its not that she is wrong its just I can't stand her.

All the time when things went to violence, I screamed to her before that please get away from me, leave me alone for some time but she being stubborn would stand infront of me while i am literally screaming get away from me. After that when she doesn't go, I push her and push her but she would come back to fight. I just want her to stay away from me. I was not going to write this but it happened again today.

As usual early morning today she was speaking like how I wake up at 9 am and I am left behind because of it, how if only I listened to her everything would be fine. Also how she always speak the truth and whatever she has said is absolute truth and also bringing up how I beat her because she speaks truth. I was listening to it and was trying to control myself, then I decided i would close my eyes and take deep breaths while blasting music in my ears so I cannot listen to her, (note she hates what songs I love and everything is the fault of smartphone) But when I was doing that it felt like she was coming closer and I felt terrified then in a few minutes she tried to touch me and I swear, I know nobody will trust me but I swear my hand automatically went and hit her and my breathing got out of control and really fast and my thoughts were real fast but only two "get away from me" and "be quiet". While I could feel my heartbeat real fast and mild chest pain, she tried to close in on me again and i pushed her away again, it was like anxiety has taken over me, I had to blast up music and took slow breaths to calm down, I guess it got suppressed again.

What is happening to me, I am 24 year old unemployed male, this is not what I should do, I wrote all this yet some part of me is convinced I am making excuses and all of this is lie made up for me to get sympathy online. I went to a mental health professional and he told me I got anxiety but I don't have money to go to him anymore, Nobody believes me when I say something is wrong with me, even I don't want to believe something is wrong with me. Tbh I don't even wanna fix things with her, I have this feeling things won't get back to being ok. But I want her to accept this and part ways.

Last thing I would like to mention is last year in june I had a very messy fight with her and I went into complete breakdown I cried a lot and after that I realised I hate her so much. The thing is I can't consider myself to be in the problem here because she had an accident in the past where her brain was damaged although doctors only told her to be quiet and stay away from noise, also she tried to took her life in january, I stopped her and she blames me that if I hate her then why I stopped her. Because that's her life and I don't want ot get arrested. I can't help but feel she did that because i hate her, I am the one to blame for her attempt, I don't know what to think or do anymore,

Someone got any ideas how to deal with her.

Last week I went with a friend to the cinema and after that two friends of her invited us to a nearby plaza, I liked one of them from before so my friend, knowing this, accepted I was the only male there.
While we were there, a homeless woman came to ask for money (something usual in my country) and we said no, politely but firmly, since she didn´t want to leave. After eventually leaving, she throws a plastic bottle and hits the girl I like in the face. We all stood and kept alarm but nothing else happened.
I was unsure how to act at the moment, but now in retrospective I think I should have done something more, maybe shouting would have done some difference in how I feel today.

Now, I´ve come here since I´m looking for a honest discussion, I´m anti-violence and never resonated with the hyper-masculine tropes, but it feels shameful not to have done anything at that point. I know it includes "looking good/bad" to the girl I like, but I dunno, I want to hear someone else´s opinion

Posting this on an anonymous account to protect my privacy, but I got put on to Dr K by a friend a couple months ago and as someone that is ADHD and Tism these videos have been very helpful.

So I met this girl off bumble, and my experience with dating apps is always just hard. Being someone who needs more than just physical traits to become attracted to someone dating apps make it hard. It just is hard for me to feel romantic attraction to someone in general without a lot of communication and development of emotional attachment.

Anyways so we matched off the app we hit it off real well and we had an instant spark and chemistry. We called and texted every day for 2 weeks leading up to our date. Tons of flirting and banter and playfulness. The vibes were very good it was definitely my best experience talking to someone off a dating app. The opposite of dry and boring. She was 24F I’m 22M.

Both of us were very emotionally open and vulnerable with each other I’m very blunt and open and just say it like it is I’m very open with my feelings and like talking about them and she was the same way. Before the date leading up we established what are boundaries were and everything and basically just agreed on 3rd base being the only thing off limits. After 2 weeks of constant communication we both were very into and attracted to each other so we were very eager to meet up and spend time in person.

We arrived at the date we met at the mall and I was nervous of course, but as soon as we met up there was no awkwardness or anything she jumped into my arms we hugged spun around we laughed. Kissed on the cheek as a greeting it was very good and we felt very comfortable.

We held hands walked inside the mall we walked around talk hung out window shopped went to a cat cafe inside it was great. She was laughing the whole time and we both were really just having a good time and enjoying each other.

After about 2hrs at the mall, we went back to the car and had some snacks and did some painting while we just talked and what not. Then after that she showed me the blankets and pillows she brought and we got cozy and ended up just cuddling and listening to music and got closer. Nothing felt awkward it all felt really natural and romantic she got on top of me and was close and we ended up making out for a while it it all felt really genuine and romantic.

After that we had been hanging out for about 4-5hrs time had just flown by we were having so much fun and enjoying each other company. Then she did something I did not expect she invited me to come back to her house. Now keep in mind this had never happened to me before. So this was a first for me. But we were clearly very into each other and having a great time so of course I said yes. So I ended up buying us dinner and we took it back to her place. Note that I had also paid for everything on this date.

When we got back to her house we ate our food and then she suggested taking shower so we weren’t sweaty and what not cause we had been out all day it was like 6pm now and we had been hanging out since noon. I of course agreed, then I made the biggest move of the date where I playfully said we should take a shower together. She giggled smiled was clearly flustered by it. She had been teasing me and flirting with me the whole day so I finally got one back.

It is important to note that we had discussed boundaries before the date and how we didn’t wanna do certain things unless we really liked each other felt something and wanted to continue it. She knew how much showering together would mean to me cause I had mentioned how that is a big romantic thing for me and I wouldn’t do it with someone unless I really liked them.

She pulled me into the shower playfully and she undressed and what not, and I was still in shock that this was about to happen cause I was not expecting it. Mind you I had a huge glow up lost a ton of weight got in good shape so I still suffer from some body dysmorphia and what not. But we ended up showering together and it was the most romantic and intimate thing I’ve ever done with someone the whole day of flirting and teasing and growing close leading up to this after 6-7hrs it was amazing. We made in the shower washed each others hair it was definitely the best experience I ever had with a person in my life that whole day was.

After that we shared a quiet moment cuddling in her room she kissed me more, told me how excited she was to be exclusive going forward and how much she liked me and was into me. Obviously I told her I really liked her and couldn’t wait to see her more and keep developing the connection we had build over the 2 weeks of talking and the date. She agreed.

She walked me out to my car and made out with me one more time before I left and told me that she wished I could stay all night and what not. We were so into each other by this point emotions were out there and it was just all time great experience. She said we’d try to plan something again for tomorrow and hit the gym together.

She texted me when I got home around 11pm. “Goodnight my sweet boy thank you for everything today I loved every second of it I can’t wait to see you again”

I was in such a bliss of happiness I had never felt before. It was the first time I had ever felt that loved and just connected to another person it was all so real raw and romantic I had never experienced that.

Now we get to where 99/100 this ends with a happy ending but mine does not.

She texted me the next day with just a 2 sentence half ass response “I loved everything about you but I didn’t feel the romantic spark.” Then blocked me on everything and ghosted.

Obviously I was a bit taken aback and felt just terrible for allowing myself to get excited and enjoy that experience and it all be for nothing I thought I did something wrong or whatever. Everyone I’ve told women and men in my personal life has said I did nothing wrong and to do that to me after saying those things and doing those things in person is pretty messed up.

This happened on Thursday last week. I feel pretty down about everything online dating is already hard but this experience has just shook me and I feel like it’s gonna be hard for me to trust anyone going forward even if they say things to my face.

I personally don’t get how you can spend 10hrs with someone do all that stuff say all that stuff then say you didn’t feel a romantic spark. I feel like you had to have felt something especially after inviting me back to your house after spending 5hrs together and cuddling and making out together.

Sometimes it just sucks being a hopeless romantic I feel really emotionally drained and I wear my heart on my sleeves that’s who I am and I’m not gonna change that, but I think ima be more cautious with my who I open to going forward.

Anyway I needed to vent that out cause I just felt pretty sad about the whole thing.

I’m curious if yall had any words of wisdom or advice for me or if you have an idea of what you think happened.

My only guess is that she’s an avoidant attachment and it just felt so real that she got cold feet and just panicked it scared her off.

But other than that I have no idea.

Anyways let me know your thoughts or comments I’m curious what people in the sub think.

Something I've been sitting with for a while. At some point the pain stops coming from what actually happened. The event is over. The people may be gone. Life has moved on. But the suffering continues — because we keep returning to it. Replaying it. And it's the returning, not the original event, that keeps the wound open. It's like pressing a bruise every day to check if it still hurts. Of course it does. You never gave it a chance to heal. Made a short 2 minute video exploring this if anyone wants to watch. But even without watching — has anyone else noticed this in themselves? The moment you stopped going back, did things
actually start getting better?

I have what I would have considered a small group of close friends (about 4-5 people). We all met in college and have kept in touch at least about big life things. One of these friends I talk with at least a couple of times a month and two of the friends (a couple) I see maybe once every 6 weeks or so at their place (they have a kid so going out is harder for them). We all live within an hour of each other.

I’ve never gotten to see them frequently after college, but I’ve always felt I could rely on them. Last year I had a major surgery, developed complications which necessitated two more surgeries, and went through a month-long hospital stay, and had more than one close call. I was out of work for close to two months. During this time I got one visit from the couple and their son for about 30mins. And had a phone call or two with my friend I usually talk to. That’s it.

I didn’t want to put the blame on everyone else though and wanted to take responsibility for my circumstance. It could have been that they didn’t have the capacity to set life aside to call or visit, or maybe I hadn’t made it clear that I wanted some support or engagement during that time. Considering this, I decided to try to meet more people.

I joined an online “bad movie” watching group, which has been great, but it is online so it’s a bit harder for me to connect with people. I also joined a local board game group which has been the best thing I’ve done for my mental health (as someone who lives alone and works from home) but it’s difficult for me to move past the casual engagements with people.

I had my fifth surgery recently (still recovering) and had put out beforehand to my friends that I’d love a call or visit at some point if they were up for it, but I’ve only ever gotten check-in texts from one of them and a call from my friend I regularly talk to.

I know there are issues with self worth as well as self-protection going on internally which I’m sure are contributing to some of the difficulties, but I really don’t know how to communicate “I am looking for a friend and would like to be closer with you.”

Probably also doesn’t help that I was homeschooled or that people are consistently shocked that I am a highly anxious person because I hide it so well.

I don’t know if this belongs here, but I don’t have any of these issues at work because I fully understand what I am responsible for, what someone else is responsible for, what the expectations are, and when to ask for help.

Thanks for your advice in advance.

Need help with loneliness, sadness & support .

Hey, i am F in early 20's, can't do basic tasks well recently, know I have potential but seeing me waste everyday since months, high pressure, taking care of a dementia patient so on. i feel totally lost and tremendously lonely

i see everyday passing, tried finding study partner, but they quit midway.

i opened reddit only for friends and a few connections. ( pls guide me through or help me out ) i have been trying since months...

Hello, I have really bad anxiety and have been meditating somewhat regularly for a couple years now. Meditation has had a profoundly positive impact on my mental health, my sense of self, and my ability to act with intention.

My goal is to meditate every day. Sometimes I am pretty good, I might miss one day a week. Other times, I struggle to maintain consistency and miss like 4-5 days a week. When my consistency is bad, all the anxiety(also other negative emotions) starts creeping back in and I fall back into old coping habits(binging video games).

I'm getting pretty sick of this cycle. Its holding me back in life and making me miserable. Only way I can think to break it is finally solve this consistency problem... but how? If anybody here has been though something similar, what did you do? Is focusing on consistency even the right approach? Feeling kinda lost here tbh.

Ive been trying to analyze what exactly is causing the consistency drops, I'll word vomit some notes here:

1. Weed. I occasionally like to take an edible(So much fun. Too much) and it almost always puts me in a low mindfulness state and leads me back to my bad habits for a few days or even like a week. 10 days ago was my last usage and it fucked me up pretty bad, still kinda recovering. I've decided I'm done with that and threw away what I had left.

2. Motivation. When I am actively feeling anxious and miserable, there is a great deal of motivation to get back to meditating. It sometimes takes a few days, especially if I have been having insomnia(more on that later) but I always seem to bounce back once the anxiety kicks in. When I am meditating though, the anxiety becomes much weaker and infrequent... which kinda destroys my motivation to meditate. Leading to more anxiety, which leads to meditating, which leads to... you get the idea.

3. Insomnia. Sometimes I just can't fall asleep. Unfortunately, I still have to get up at the same time every day for work. So I just get sleep deprived. Which makes it so much harder to meditate. Then when I meditate less, the anxiety comes back, which causes more insomnia! This can spiral out of control sometimes.

4. Emotional instability. I've been meditating and going to therapy for a couple years now and I truly have made a lot of progress on understanding myself. Though recently I feel like that progress has been creating new problems. Over the last 6ish months I began to curiously and open-mindedly examine some parts of my ego and they kinda just melted away. Parts of my ego that my brain made in order to protect me from emotions it didn't think I could handle. A lot of strange and unfamiliar thoughts and emotions have been bubbling up to the surface ever since. Really intense emotions that I keep losing myself in for days at a time.

I’m a 24 year old medical student in the UK and I totally regret my decision to get into medicine. I have no idea what I was thinking. I decided to get into this degree in school and I got in to a good program, and I’ve been stuck for the last 6 years on a path I hate whilst my friends are all working in finance making lots of money. We get treated like shit, the pay is shit, we don’t even get a guaranteed job after a couple years. And I feel like I’ve just wasted so much time and money and energy.

What should I do?

​

I'm a decently active commenter on this sub; whenever I am here, I sort by new and respond to posts with little to no replies when the specific angle/insight/advice I have hasn't been shared.

My experience has been that, more often than not, there is no reply from the OP, even when my comment is directly asking a question. No clarifying questions, no answers or sharing additional info, nothing. I'm questioning if there is a point to this and if the comments are even being read. I wouldn't be surprised if some of the posts I commented on were made by bots, but I think most were real. There are times where I can see why there is no reply, and others where I question if OP is even looking for help at all. I'm not here to cast judgement, it's just that my experience herehas led me to question this.

So I'm posting this to start a discussion. What's the experience of other users here like? Do you get replies? if you have made posts, have you replied to the comments? Why/why not? I'm seeking to understand this, not necessarily change it.

Still, I regret nothing. I'll probably move to HG discord, I feel like that place is more interactive and effective, but I don't think my time has been wasted here. What are your experiences with HG discord?

[supprimé]

tl;dr: Bruh I cannae stop gaemin. I'll cut my life into pieces like it's my last resort for it. It's been so hard to face, and I'm following the same pattern now. I'm on mood stabilizers now, though, and feel like I'm seeing the world through new eyes and can change. Would love some words of encouragement or to hear some of your experiences. Inshallah habibi we will make it through.

I was at my doctor's office sometime around last September, getting a prescription for Vyvanse. I told her that one day I took a double dose and I was concerned about it as there is some family history of addiction. She explained that while we want to watch how I handle the medication, the fact that I was not engaging in "hiding behavior" made her a bit less concerned about addiction at the moment. It was just something we needed to watch in the meantime.

There was an itch in the back of my head. Something far below the surfaced of my mind, but I could feel it. Just, something wrong. Hiding behavior meant you, well, hide something you do from the people around you. That feeling of doing something you shouldn't be but that you can't let go of. You just can't admit it. It's not as if it's always a pleasure, but it's like a need. You feel awful without it, and you think of it whenever it's not what you're doing.

I didn't hide the Vyvanse. It helps, and I think the fear I have of it is healthy and something I'm okay with keeping. It's hard to even write, honestly. I don't know why. I never wanted people to know I was gaming. At least, that is, when it was outside the norm. I played games with my friends sometimes, or we would hang out in discord while playing different games, just chattin. That was normal and acceptable. I couldn't bring myself to let anyone know how late I would game though. Gradually, nights would end later and later. I'd almost be late to work, then late to work sometimes, then tired and forgetful and unmotivated and irritable. The games would always be on my mind. It would all come to an end eventually, when I would pass out on a day off, catch up on some sleep, and reset. Gradually, nights would end later and later. Ad infinitum.

I knew something was wrong. I knew it wasn't normal. But I still paid rent, paid my bills. Paid for therapy, paid for Healthy Gamer. Missed out on socializing, sometimes. I'd just want to stay in and play. Or sometimes order too much DoorDash, but everyone does that. Sometimes people even let their place get messy. It's not that big of a deal. I would just clean it later. I'd forget as soon as I sat in front of my computer anyway. I'd have a mental filter on anything outside of gaming. I wouldn't even really see the mess in my room. I lived my life to play games. Everything I did served that purpose.

Sure, I maintained relationships with family. But I'd be late. Or decline invitations to see them. Hide myself away and wash away any doubt in front of a screen. My mind would be wiped, and the guilt buried. It happened so often I became something of an expert at it. I didn't even feel the same amount of guilt anymore. Lying about why I was the way I was, or why I wasn't successful in my attempts at college, or why I wasn't pursuing more in life became easier. The secret is just to not talk about it. Talk about other people. Be charismatic. Have a good sense of humor. And, what's more, be in the time of your life where you figure yourself out. Your mid 20's. The best lie isn't always one you tell other people. Sometimes you bury something so deep it's as if it doesn't exist. The grass may look a little different there. You notice the slight mound. The dirt on your shovel. But you never have to look at what you buried.

I buried the guilt of throwing away my 20's. Everything I missed out on, everything I failed, everything I quit. All the doors that quietly closed as I sat at my desk.

Have you noticed? I've talked my way around saying anything in particular. It's my specialty. I can't say that I missed out on my "buried" 20's because I am addicted to video games. I have to frame it as something that I chose. As something that I have control over because I am a worthless person. It's not the fault of my vice. It's me. This is who I am. I choose to game. I do not have a problem. My life isn't beautiful, but it's mine. I go to work. I pay bills. Sure, I can't fathom the idea of quitting. Not that I would say it, but the intensity of the lurch in my stomach tells me so. And why would I have to quit anyway? I've always gamed. I enjoy it. I want to continue to enjoy it. I love art. I love stories. That's why I started with RPGs and moving games and now just play League of Legends.

It doesn't matter if the above paragraph contradicts itself. It doesn't matter if it makes sense. There are two wolves inside of me guarding a gate. Each a voice above, and the dialogue between them lulls me back below the surface of awareness. I wake up and find myself three games into ARAM: Mayhem, at 1:15 in the morning. The shock startles me, but the lullaby pulls me back under. It doesn't matter. All until I can't stand it and pass out in bed to a YouTube video.

I think this is what they call "Bargaining." I don't know if there is even a point to the wishy-wash internal dialogue. I found myself stuck in this loop once before. Before two Septembers ago, I smoked weed a few times a month. Not too often. I looked a bit down my nose at stoners. Then, while working in a dining hall at a sizeable state university, a new round of coworkers joined the crew, all pretty near my age (I was 26 at this point). They were fried all the time during work and hit dab pens after work too. At first I didn't ever smoke with them, but then I started hitting their pens after work. Then I started smoking more outside of work. Then I started smoking and running. Then I smoked sometimes before work, but only long enough before that it wore off. Then I smoked when it was slow at work.

On and on til I was fried all the time. It took me about 5 months of this to realize I had a problem. I caught it one night. The same kind of conversation as the two wolves above. Fried in front of my mirror, arguing as both sides of a debate - why do I feel weird about getting monstrously high after work tonight? I didn't work the next day. That was it. THAT was bargaining. I quit weed cold turkey last February, sober from it since. Don't drink too much anymore either. I am afraid of accidentally smoking. This digresses, but I found out I'm bipolar 2 at this time. It was a really, really bad depressive episode. I don't really reach out to my therapist or my psychiatrist, but this was one time where I needed emergency sessions.

But with video games? It's so much harder. It's so much harder. I've been gaming since my parents got me a GameBoy at 6 years old. Going back to college now after getting on mood stabilizers is a godsend. I did a well researched presentation this year on weed - cannabis use disorder, cannabis withdrawal, social perceptions over the past decade vs. the reality of not often described consequences. Everything I read about addiction kept adding a tally to something in the back of my mind. Some itch. Everything I read kept matching the story of my relationship with gaming. Kept reframing my perspective on the world

I can only afford to go to college now because my mom passed away. Now that the second quarter has started, I feel like I'm failing her. I'm stuck man. I'm drowning. I am throwing it all away again. I've hardly done homework in two weeks. I can't stop myself. I can't tell anyone what's going on. I don't want people to know. The worst part is when I come back up for air after gaming. The guilt is horrible. Especially because I am a very intellectually curious guy. I love to learn. I love new points of view. Everything is so interesting when I'm reading the textbooks and doing homework.

I don't know, man. I've deleted everything off my computer except Slay the Spire 2 and Sons of the Forest as I play those with my friends. I don't know if I can keep them, but we will see. I'm seeing my Healthy Gamer coach tomorrow and I'm going to read this to him. I'm going to reach out to my professors as well. I'm so scared, dude. I'm 28 years old. I have so much going for me and I am so lucky to have the life I do, but I am so scared of throwing it away again. Being on mood stabilizers has been life changing. I'm not as afraid of failing as I am of finally being stable enough to succeed in the ways I want. Because that means I have to give up gaming. I can't take half measures. I can't control myself. Even while I've been writing this I've been spacing out sometimes, like my mind is fighting me.

Would appreciate some words of encouragement, or anyone sharing their own experiences. Wish the best to everyone here.

i am preparing fir an entrace exam for a job

my performance is not upto the mark even after 2yrs of preparation.

i feel so stupid and ashamed that no matter how much I tried I cant improve.

i feel ashamed that even after 2 yrs I cant tell if I am not up to the mark due to any mistake I am making solving which will instantly improve my performance or I just dont got it.

my peers are ahead of me by 2 years since I took a drop to prepare

i tried to detach , try to aceept things for what they are but I cant because failing it would most probably result in a life of pain and struggle.

i am trying to accept it but it just wont work.

Hi,

So I had a really bad situation last spring that I'm still dealing with. Some background, as a kid, I always was very expressive emotionally, to the point where it wasn't socially acceptable as a dude, and by middle school I was somewhat consciously suppressing my emotions between 70-95% of the time. The only time where I would let myself feel strong emotions was when it was 100% safe. The walls began to fall during high school, and collapsed during my last year.

A bit over a year ago, I fell for a girl who I didn't know super well. First it started out as a crush, then it became a bit obsessive due to fantasization. I basically had a list of things that I wanted in a girl, and she checked all of the boxes and I was very strongly drawn to her. I made a move on her, asked her to go to prom, and she said yes (as friends). Because of this, I felt so good to be spending time with her, because it validated me and made me feel seen like nothing else could. If she could like me, then I was okay. Her reciprocation varied, sometimes matching what I was giving and sometimes being close to nothing. She said in the beginning that she wasn't a "relationship person", which confused me and I pushed aside. I felt so alive just being with her and spending time with her, it was like I could finally feel everything. After prom (which was great in a lot of ways but weird in others) we talked over text a couple times about what we wanted, she didn't want anything serious and I just wanted her, no matter what, so we hung out a couple times before I stopped hearing from her. She ghosted me for about a week, we talked about it, she said she really wanted to keep hanging out with me but didn't want a relationship, I said that I needed to think about it. By the time I told her I wanted to keep spending time with her, she had changed her mind. I've always suspected that one of her friends told her she was leading me on and she needed to stop spending time with me so that I could move on.

I was thrown into a deep depressive state after this. It felt like my life lost all meaning. I felt so good being around her, just hanging out and talking, and that was taken away from me without any notice or care. After not landing an internship, I decided I wasn't going to waste my life moping so I started doing yardwork for people, and made a ton of money and jumpstarted a business. Then when the semester started, I kept busy with high-commitment clubs and organizations, and was shoveling and working throughout winter break. But through it all, I knew I wasn't experiencing the full scale of my emotions because I was alone, and none of the girls I met could compare to the one I lost.

So here's my problem; I want to improve myself so that I can be independent, but I can't do that since I know I am missing a crucial part of my life when being single and I feel emotionally empty, but I also can't set my goals on some girl that's somehow better than the one I lost, because that's propegating the cycle of codependency. I feel so empty and so stuck on something that I desperately want to move on but can't, because the only thing that can geniunely replace what we had is another relationship, which is extremely unhealthy.

Any help would be wonderful. There's a lot more I could talk about but I want to stay relevant to the main problem.