I can't control my hate towards my mom and it only gets worse
I thought I will write a emotionally charged post but after seeing rules, I don't think its a good way, In a nutshell, I get triggered when I see or listen to my mom, it gets so bad that it has led to physical altercations with her. The worse part is now I don't even feel guilt because I feel so much hate towards her, just listening to her is so draining, whenever i listen to her its like my entire mind and body are screaming control yourself or it will happen again. I try to control myself but after so many years I can't anymore, even when she is right and honest my hatred gets the better of me. I understand that i can't control her or change her. She is her own person and my expectations of her are wrong but is it wrong to even hope that she would be a little receptive of what i say, since many years in the past, I have told her stay away from me but she always says I am not wrong why should I, she doesn't understand its not that she is wrong its just I can't stand her.
All the time when things went to violence, I screamed to her before that please get away from me, leave me alone for some time but she being stubborn would stand infront of me while i am literally screaming get away from me. After that when she doesn't go, I push her and push her but she would come back to fight. I just want her to stay away from me. I was not going to write this but it happened again today.
As usual early morning today she was speaking like how I wake up at 9 am and I am left behind because of it, how if only I listened to her everything would be fine. Also how she always speak the truth and whatever she has said is absolute truth and also bringing up how I beat her because she speaks truth. I was listening to it and was trying to control myself, then I decided i would close my eyes and take deep breaths while blasting music in my ears so I cannot listen to her, (note she hates what songs I love and everything is the fault of smartphone) But when I was doing that it felt like she was coming closer and I felt terrified then in a few minutes she tried to touch me and I swear, I know nobody will trust me but I swear my hand automatically went and hit her and my breathing got out of control and really fast and my thoughts were real fast but only two "get away from me" and "be quiet". While I could feel my heartbeat real fast and mild chest pain, she tried to close in on me again and i pushed her away again, it was like anxiety has taken over me, I had to blast up music and took slow breaths to calm down, I guess it got suppressed again.
What is happening to me, I am 24 year old unemployed male, this is not what I should do, I wrote all this yet some part of me is convinced I am making excuses and all of this is lie made up for me to get sympathy online. I went to a mental health professional and he told me I got anxiety but I don't have money to go to him anymore, Nobody believes me when I say something is wrong with me, even I don't want to believe something is wrong with me. Tbh I don't even wanna fix things with her, I have this feeling things won't get back to being ok. But I want her to accept this and part ways.
Last thing I would like to mention is last year in june I had a very messy fight with her and I went into complete breakdown I cried a lot and after that I realised I hate her so much. The thing is I can't consider myself to be in the problem here because she had an accident in the past where her brain was damaged although doctors only told her to be quiet and stay away from noise, also she tried to took her life in january, I stopped her and she blames me that if I hate her then why I stopped her. Because that's her life and I don't want ot get arrested. I can't help but feel she did that because i hate her, I am the one to blame for her attempt, I don't know what to think or do anymore,
Someone got any ideas how to deal with her.