u/baldadjacent

tl;dr: Bruh I cannae stop gaemin. I'll cut my life into pieces like it's my last resort for it. It's been so hard to face, and I'm following the same pattern now. I'm on mood stabilizers now, though, and feel like I'm seeing the world through new eyes and can change. Would love some words of encouragement or to hear some of your experiences. Inshallah habibi we will make it through.

I was at my doctor's office sometime around last September, getting a prescription for Vyvanse. I told her that one day I took a double dose and I was concerned about it as there is some family history of addiction. She explained that while we want to watch how I handle the medication, the fact that I was not engaging in "hiding behavior" made her a bit less concerned about addiction at the moment. It was just something we needed to watch in the meantime.

There was an itch in the back of my head. Something far below the surfaced of my mind, but I could feel it. Just, something wrong. Hiding behavior meant you, well, hide something you do from the people around you. That feeling of doing something you shouldn't be but that you can't let go of. You just can't admit it. It's not as if it's always a pleasure, but it's like a need. You feel awful without it, and you think of it whenever it's not what you're doing.

I didn't hide the Vyvanse. It helps, and I think the fear I have of it is healthy and something I'm okay with keeping. It's hard to even write, honestly. I don't know why. I never wanted people to know I was gaming. At least, that is, when it was outside the norm. I played games with my friends sometimes, or we would hang out in discord while playing different games, just chattin. That was normal and acceptable. I couldn't bring myself to let anyone know how late I would game though. Gradually, nights would end later and later. I'd almost be late to work, then late to work sometimes, then tired and forgetful and unmotivated and irritable. The games would always be on my mind. It would all come to an end eventually, when I would pass out on a day off, catch up on some sleep, and reset. Gradually, nights would end later and later. Ad infinitum.

I knew something was wrong. I knew it wasn't normal. But I still paid rent, paid my bills. Paid for therapy, paid for Healthy Gamer. Missed out on socializing, sometimes. I'd just want to stay in and play. Or sometimes order too much DoorDash, but everyone does that. Sometimes people even let their place get messy. It's not that big of a deal. I would just clean it later. I'd forget as soon as I sat in front of my computer anyway. I'd have a mental filter on anything outside of gaming. I wouldn't even really see the mess in my room. I lived my life to play games. Everything I did served that purpose.

Sure, I maintained relationships with family. But I'd be late. Or decline invitations to see them. Hide myself away and wash away any doubt in front of a screen. My mind would be wiped, and the guilt buried. It happened so often I became something of an expert at it. I didn't even feel the same amount of guilt anymore. Lying about why I was the way I was, or why I wasn't successful in my attempts at college, or why I wasn't pursuing more in life became easier. The secret is just to not talk about it. Talk about other people. Be charismatic. Have a good sense of humor. And, what's more, be in the time of your life where you figure yourself out. Your mid 20's. The best lie isn't always one you tell other people. Sometimes you bury something so deep it's as if it doesn't exist. The grass may look a little different there. You notice the slight mound. The dirt on your shovel. But you never have to look at what you buried.

I buried the guilt of throwing away my 20's. Everything I missed out on, everything I failed, everything I quit. All the doors that quietly closed as I sat at my desk.

Have you noticed? I've talked my way around saying anything in particular. It's my specialty. I can't say that I missed out on my "buried" 20's because I am addicted to video games. I have to frame it as something that I chose. As something that I have control over because I am a worthless person. It's not the fault of my vice. It's me. This is who I am. I choose to game. I do not have a problem. My life isn't beautiful, but it's mine. I go to work. I pay bills. Sure, I can't fathom the idea of quitting. Not that I would say it, but the intensity of the lurch in my stomach tells me so. And why would I have to quit anyway? I've always gamed. I enjoy it. I want to continue to enjoy it. I love art. I love stories. That's why I started with RPGs and moving games and now just play League of Legends.

It doesn't matter if the above paragraph contradicts itself. It doesn't matter if it makes sense. There are two wolves inside of me guarding a gate. Each a voice above, and the dialogue between them lulls me back below the surface of awareness. I wake up and find myself three games into ARAM: Mayhem, at 1:15 in the morning. The shock startles me, but the lullaby pulls me back under. It doesn't matter. All until I can't stand it and pass out in bed to a YouTube video.

I think this is what they call "Bargaining." I don't know if there is even a point to the wishy-wash internal dialogue. I found myself stuck in this loop once before. Before two Septembers ago, I smoked weed a few times a month. Not too often. I looked a bit down my nose at stoners. Then, while working in a dining hall at a sizeable state university, a new round of coworkers joined the crew, all pretty near my age (I was 26 at this point). They were fried all the time during work and hit dab pens after work too. At first I didn't ever smoke with them, but then I started hitting their pens after work. Then I started smoking more outside of work. Then I started smoking and running. Then I smoked sometimes before work, but only long enough before that it wore off. Then I smoked when it was slow at work.

On and on til I was fried all the time. It took me about 5 months of this to realize I had a problem. I caught it one night. The same kind of conversation as the two wolves above. Fried in front of my mirror, arguing as both sides of a debate - why do I feel weird about getting monstrously high after work tonight? I didn't work the next day. That was it. THAT was bargaining. I quit weed cold turkey last February, sober from it since. Don't drink too much anymore either. I am afraid of accidentally smoking. This digresses, but I found out I'm bipolar 2 at this time. It was a really, really bad depressive episode. I don't really reach out to my therapist or my psychiatrist, but this was one time where I needed emergency sessions.

But with video games? It's so much harder. It's so much harder. I've been gaming since my parents got me a GameBoy at 6 years old. Going back to college now after getting on mood stabilizers is a godsend. I did a well researched presentation this year on weed - cannabis use disorder, cannabis withdrawal, social perceptions over the past decade vs. the reality of not often described consequences. Everything I read about addiction kept adding a tally to something in the back of my mind. Some itch. Everything I read kept matching the story of my relationship with gaming. Kept reframing my perspective on the world

I can only afford to go to college now because my mom passed away. Now that the second quarter has started, I feel like I'm failing her. I'm stuck man. I'm drowning. I am throwing it all away again. I've hardly done homework in two weeks. I can't stop myself. I can't tell anyone what's going on. I don't want people to know. The worst part is when I come back up for air after gaming. The guilt is horrible. Especially because I am a very intellectually curious guy. I love to learn. I love new points of view. Everything is so interesting when I'm reading the textbooks and doing homework.

I don't know, man. I've deleted everything off my computer except Slay the Spire 2 and Sons of the Forest as I play those with my friends. I don't know if I can keep them, but we will see. I'm seeing my Healthy Gamer coach tomorrow and I'm going to read this to him. I'm going to reach out to my professors as well. I'm so scared, dude. I'm 28 years old. I have so much going for me and I am so lucky to have the life I do, but I am so scared of throwing it away again. Being on mood stabilizers has been life changing. I'm not as afraid of failing as I am of finally being stable enough to succeed in the ways I want. Because that means I have to give up gaming. I can't take half measures. I can't control myself. Even while I've been writing this I've been spacing out sometimes, like my mind is fighting me.

Would appreciate some words of encouragement, or anyone sharing their own experiences. Wish the best to everyone here.