r/GayMen

There was a post (now deleted by the user) where he expressed not liking being part of the gay community basically due to the frustration and disillusionment of its exclusionary, superficial, and emotionally unfulfilling nature rather than being supportive or inclusive.

The sad thing he got RAILED in the comments, but the truth is… he is totally right and valid, and I want to piggyback off it and reiterate.

It's not only an issue confined to the US or a certain age group. It's a UNIVERSAL THING. It happens everywhere; the gay culture and community is all the same. We are actively being sold a lie of inclusivity, sense of community, solidarity, and support when in fact, it's the furthest thing from that. How can a "community" be built upon superficiality, hypocrisy, and lack of integrity and authenticity? It seems like if you don't get them wet, you are of no use to them.

On a side note, I'm not an ugly or an "empty" guy; if anything, I'm emotionally and socially intelligent, in my 20s, fit, and with above average looks overall.

Being observant and picking up on patterns have been a curse in disguise. Now that I am starting to clock people out on their behavior, I had no choice but to isolate myself almost entirely. Every interaction was disappointing and frustrating to say the least. And I refuse to exist in spaces where I have to make myself smaller to fit in.

And btw, i come from a homophobic country where being gay is criminalised, so the only way to interact openly and meet with other gays is through dating/ hookup apps. Third spaces exist in private and are exclusive (only if you meet their criteria aka they wanna fuck you). So, I am at a point in life where I am just tired... where my only options are either being fetishised/lusted over, or outcasted. I just don't want to seek external validation the way every other gay guy seem to do in order to fill an emotional void, gain attention, or curb boredom. The only way to be included here is to have 1k+ followers on ig, post half-naked gym pics, or flaunt a "cool", "rich" lifestyle of constant travel/partying (which a lot of gays fake btw).

I know this is controversial and will get a lot of hate. I feel sorry and frustrated that a lot of comments on the original post invalidated OP’s and other people’s experiences.

Again, it is a universal issue. And we "as a community" will not prosper and flourish until we recognize, admit, and accept that we have LOTS of issues.

We seem to be miles away from doing so though… We keep excusing unwarranted behaviors, and using our traumas, history, and past as scapegoats.

hi, so i have a really good friend of mine but i get the feeling that he‘s dl and maybe in love with me and like i think i like him too but idk tbh. (disclaimer: i dont want to hear any lecture about like „leave him“ „hes an a-hole“ „you‘ll destroy yourself“ none of that i just want to hear yalls experiences or advice i guess, tysm)

[EDIT: i forgot to mention we‘re both muslim and i think he has internalized homophobia, and like doesnt want to accept it. im more open with it]

okay so im bisexual but im not out of the closet (except like 2-3 friends) and he doesnt know. but the way he treats me, questions some things in me. i‘ve known him for 2-3 years and he‘s only opened up to me, and we have a lot of deeptalks. and like 1 week he‘s the sweetes „friend“ but the next week he‘s the driest person alive. but only towards me. with any other male friend he is „normal“. he cant even go out with me just to hang cause he gets a stomache ache before the hangout (weird i know) and he is scared to become like me. he says its because i smoke and do things he doesnt think are worth the time but i dont believe him. i think its because he thinks if we hang out other people will think he‘s gay/bi aswell (i got bullied in school because everyone was like youre definetly gay etc and bullied me). but over text its like we‘re in a relationship. just a few weeks ago i asked him why i‘m the only person he opened/opens up to and he was like „i dont know, i think it just happened?“ and i was like „but because you chose to or because it happened in the moment?“ and he was like „i must‘ve chosen it or else we wouldnt be here“. then i asked „do you still chose it today“ and he said „every single day (and then like german slang for buddy)“. i mean its kind of weird because its only regarding me and not anyone else. anyways, then i was wondering and asked him „then i dont understand why you‘re scared to become like me or cant hang out with me“ and every single time he answers the same: „i cant answer that“ (because apparently he doesn’t know). and a few days ago we were calling (doesnt happen like ever?) and a friend of mine texted me and i wanted to test something to ser if he gets jealous i was line „omg my shayla he‘s like the sweetest“ and he wanted to say something and i was like: „hold up i cant text and speak at the same time“ and he got like jealous (his tone shifted from normal to jealous) „i can go to sleep you know“. and the next day we called again and this time i pretended to be jealous and he like didnt think it was weird or didnt get defensive like „were not in a relationship“ he accepted it as if we were in a relationship. i mean i can tell yall a lot of stuff that happened but this is the newest tea.

thanks in advance

I so want to find a sugar daddy who will spoil and love me. And I will return the love and support.

So I cruise every now and then. The strangest thing just happened to me just now and I felt like I NEEDED to come tell my story 😭

I was looking through sniffies while doing some schoolwork. This anon profile hits me up and we plan to meet in a restroom on campus. nothing crazy, just some quick head before I get back to doing my work. After about 10 minutes of finding this guy in the building, I finally post up next to him in the stall.

We start doing whatever for about 5 mins then he just… gets up and stops. i’m standing in the stall thinking okay maybe he heard someone come in or like his knees was hurting. Couple minutes of silence go by in the bathroom and someone else comes in and you can tell he’s there cruising too. he pulls on my bathroom stall and is looking inside so I let him in, his 🍆 is out and hes playing with it.

now i did not know this man or was planning on linking with him, but im lowkey too turned on to turn it down, shii i was ready to have a 3 way. after like 3 mins of us yanking it in the stall, he grabs his things and goes to the other guys’ stall. Now in my head i’m like “should i go in there?” “should i say something?” Next thing you know, they BOTH end up leaving and linking in a different bathroom! The other guy had blocked me and i SAW THEM as they were leaving the bathroom. I’m standing in that bathroom like “what the fuckk??” literally bewildered by what just happened. This guy just took my trade! i’m in that stall with blue balls, a half broken heart (bc the guy was lowkey so fine 😩), and a boner. I didn’t know whether to feel turned on that i just had 2 🍆’s with me, or hurt because now im walking out with nothing.

If i were to guess, they probably had plans to link before I got there, and I was just the filler until his REAL piece showed up. how tf was I the side ho? I’m leaving the bathroom after a minute and I see both of them outside. You can tell the original guy was trying not to make eye contact with me and the other guy is just there. mm mm mm 🙂‍↔️fuck y’all fine ass ho’s 🥲. idk i HAD to tell someone because this was just crazy to me 😭.

Question for you guys

Is anyone else mostly romantic actually want to date, and not into hook up apps. Everytime i got on a app it was disappointimg to say the least. Most want to rush into having sex.. not me tho Im a introvert. Im a Side, sometimes I top but im not always into penetration. Anyone else like me? How can I meeta guy outside of hook up apps?

I’m a 22-year-old gay guy from a fairly orthodox/conservative family outside the US. I’ve known my sexuality for a while, but due to my family environment and cultural expectations, coming out is not something I can realistically do right now—and maybe not for a long time.

At the same time, I don’t want to live my entire life without a meaningful relationship. I’m someone who values emotional connection, loyalty, and stability, and I’d really like to find a long-term partner. However, my situation makes things complicated.

I may eventually have to enter a heterosexual marriage because of family pressure, and I know that’s not ideal. I’m trying to be honest with myself and others about that possibility rather than hiding it later. Because of this, I’m wondering:

Are there other gay men here who are in a similar situation (closeted due to family/society)?

Is it possible to find someone who would be okay with a long-term relationship that has to remain private/discreet?

How do people navigate emotional commitment when their public life doesn’t match their private one?

I want to be respectful and not hurt anyone, so I’d only want to connect with someone who fully understands these constraints and is okay with them. I’m not looking for something casual—I genuinely want something meaningful, even if it has limitations.

If you’ve been in a similar situation or have advice, I’d really appreciate hearing your perspective.

I don't think I like being in the gay community. People tell you there is love in the community, that you will find your people, but I don't think that's true. Some of the worst hurt I've experienced has come from gay people. They certainly don't seem inclusive. Really they're more exclusive. When you try to talk to a guy at a bar you either get an "ew," and they walk away or they're polite, but they don't want to talk to you, (their face and eyes say what they're thinking. And they're the nice ones). On apps you're blocked if you message them and don't look like you stepped out of a model catalog. Outside of app or bar settings gays are usually in cliques that are not very welcoming to outsiders like me and they don't step outside their circle for new people. I get the advice of "love your gay brothers," while good advice in theory it is easier said than done. You show them love, but that won't change their bad behavior. When does that love come back to you? How are you supposed to not become bitter and disillusioned with all of the lies and hypocrisy? Really I wish I could just not be part of the community. I know I could get lies and hypocrisy in any community, but usually it isn't blatantly obvious to me.

I recently reinstalled Tinder in a bid to find myself a man and even though it says there’s 99+ likes behind a paywall of extortion, I don’t seem to be getting any matches.

I’m not sure if those who like me just aren’t my type but I feel like the endless swiping leads to not much in return.

Has anyone else had similar?

25 M Uk

Every time I try to squeeze the air out before inserting the douche, a little bit of water shoots out and makes a mess. It's such a minor problem but it bugs me cos I've had housemates go into the bathroom straight after me and it's just embarrassing (wooden floors means tracks are left).

If I just accept the little bit of air then it always comes back out to haunt me at the worst time 💀.

Not looking for technique advice, just wondering if this is a universal struggle or if I'm alone in this.

I'm 17 and am wanting to date again I have no idea where to go or what to do to find people in my area

I'm from central Illinois if that helps -?

I’m new in to the gay dating scene and I am have problems with all the apps everyone that seems to like me is old fat dudes that send a dick pic right away I’m more interested in “pretty” looking if that’s the correct way to say

I feel really disgusting because of something I did to a guy a year ago. I'm not out in real life and I know if I ever admitted it to someone it would reflect incredibly poorly on me.

My freshman year of college (last year), I met this guy. We were in a class together and he lived on the floor below me in the same dorm. I go to a very small school, so I would see him around campus and chat. He sat with me at lunch a couple of times. I liked him a lot.

One time, we were both playing on the same team at a trivia night at my school. The top 3 teams got to take a prize of their choice. He made a beeline for a hat with a funny design, but someone else took it before he got to the table.

By then, I was really attracted to him. I'm really awkward and stiff, but he felt easy to talk to. He's very smart, funny, and super nice. I knew he would never reciprocate, which I didn't care about, but I really wanted to do something nice for him. I bought him the hat he tried to get trivia as a gift, and left it outside his room. I left a note and didn't mention any of that; I just said I thought he'd find it funny.

I felt so guilty immediately after. We weren't very close. I knew how weird and inappropriate it was, and I dreaded seeing his reaction. I saw him the day after, and he was wearing the hat, and said he really liked it.

The more I thought about it, the more awful I felt. It felt so deceptive. I knew if I did this to a woman I would not be able to get away with it and experience very severe social consequences. It could even escalate to a harassment case through my school.

At the end of the year, I wrote him a note and told him I lied about my motivation; I did it because I liked him a lot, and that I was sorry for being a creep. He said he thought it was nice and was very flattered I felt that way about him. He also said we could keep being friends; I didn't really consider us friends, just acquaintances. When I left for summer, I went to say goodbye and thank him for being polite when he really didn't have to. He said he thought I was really brave for telling him that.

I felt like I coerced him into saying it all, that he just felt bad for me because he could tell I'm a loser and not very socially adept. He's very sociable and has lots of friends. I don't see why he'd really care whether he talked to me or not.

I try really hard to avoid him now out of courtesy. If I see I'm in the same class as him, I switch to a different section. If my routine intersects with his, I try to change it and avoid him.

I promised myself I'd never do something like that again. If I'm attracted to a guy, I don't initiate conversation with them and always try to avoid eye contact/greeting them/building a rapport. I get upset even feeling attraction nowadays.

Idk why I'm even writing this. I don't think about what I did a ton nowadays. The guilt used to be so present, but it's faded a bit. When I can't avoid seeing him, I do feel actual terror. It feels hard to breathe and I feel so awful for what I did to him.

For context, I look like the textbook definition of a twink. I can't, however, for the life of me enjoy bottoming. I've tried numerous times and it just isn't for me. Everytime guys look at me though, they just assume I'm a bottom and I can't say I blame them, but I feel like I'm somehow a fraud for being a top when I look the way I do, and I don't really want to change my appearance just to look the part. Does anyone else have this problem? If so, how do you deal with the insecurities that come with it?

Idk why but i get turned on watching beefy men make their beer belly bigger while burping and farting.
Thing is that....i have zero interest in having actual sex with another man, i tried watching to dudes having oral and anal sex and i just feel nothing, itried watching dudes jerk off and also feel nothing.
However with women i have normal atraction, i want to date and have sex them, i like puss-puss and all of that, however i do not like belly inflation and burps with women at all.

met the sweetest dude ever

he doesnt pressure for sex

we cuddle make out

but when he grabs my dick i hate it

i hate anyone touching it

and im sad cuz i want to please dudes

and im scared he'll ditch me

ill probs be alone forever at this point

idk why i cant let myself be happy

(21M) Any other guy still wear regular boxer shorts? I’ve tried switching over to briefs and boxer briefs but I hate how tight they feel.

I'm 31 years old and I've been scared and hiding from this. But I'm Gay I'm a bottom and I don't know what to do. I don't know any other gay people and I don't know where to start. I've been fighting the guilt about wanting to be with a man. I don't know where to start and what to do.

Hey everyone,

I don’t know if this is the right place to post, but I just wanted to share something that’s been on my mind.It feels really hard to find someone genuine in Bangladesh as a gay person. Most people I meet aren’t serious, disappear quickly, or only want something physical. I’m just looking for someone to talk to, feel comfortable with, and maybe build a real connection over time—but it seems almost impossible here. Is there anyone else who feels the same or is actually interested in something meaningful?

For context: I am a foreigner (Indian) in Germany. I speak German and English, and message people either in the language, their profile is written in, or in German.

I have been on Grindr for almost a year now. I couldn't get laid. The thing is, I do get responses from people I message. They find me cute, hot, sexy, whatever as per their likings. But it never leads to meeting in person. The conversations somehow fizzle out. Some within 2 texts, some after many more. I tried all sorts of conversation lengths: sometimes I tried to build a rapport, sometimes I complimented them on very first message, other times I was very direct about wanting to be fucked. But to no avail.

How, how long, and exactly what conversations do you guys on Grindr?