r/Diary

why, why do i always get stuck with these absolute retard degenerates, who i think or they think can 'understand each other' but they turn out to be completely, i don't fucking know, egotistical clueless assholes. i don't fucking get it! are they really that insecure? that weird? are they trying to legit fucking trauma bond me or something? when it's clear as hell that i am literally. fucking. in the middle. of many traumas, that i just feel clueless and helpless about???? and also, they have apparently all the fucking friends and support - don't fucking know how, because last i seen, they were acting delusional and even OTHER PEOPLE were like, get a load of this guy's crap - while i've literally ALWAYS been alone and like, i don't know, out of the fucking loop when it comes to basically all things social or being 'good enough' in any capacity for society???? i am fucking PISSED OFF and i don't even give a shit if i am not decent either, but get a fucking load of all this bullcrap! my. fucking. god am i just fucking doomed. who the fuck of all those degenerate retard piss ass clueless motherfuckers would EVER have entertained this bullshit, hell all of those other goddamned weird fuckers who would just go and be blatantly disrespectful to me out of nowhere, i would literally much prefer THEM than whatever retard pilled fuck ass hypocritical weird deranged bullshit that this fucking shit is. i just want to somehow be freed but god fucking knows that i'm just STILL that fucking uselessly traumatized and holding myself back somehow in my own pathetic uselessly non progressive life.

And though our paths were never meant
to walk as one where forever is spent,
you will always be part of me—
a hidden truth no one will see.

A place in my heart, untouched, unchanged,
where love remains, though life rearranged.
Not lost, not gone, not torn apart—
just living quietly inside my heart.

I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection lately, trying to clean up my mental space and work on my personal growth. But I’ve hit a bit of a wall, and I wanted to get some perspective from this community.

What do you guys do with the thoughts you feel like you can’t tell anyone?

I’m talking about those intrusive thoughts, deep-seated insecurities, regrets, or just weird existential anxieties that feel "too heavy" or too risky to share with friends, family, or even a partner. The kind of stuff where you worry people might judge you, misunderstand you, or view you differently if you said it out loud.

I’ve tried a few things to manage them, but I’m struggling to find a healthy outlet:

• Bottling it up: Obviously doesn't work. It just builds up mental clutter and makes me feel isolated.
• Journaling: It helps a bit, but sometimes seeing it written down on paper makes it feel "too real," and then I get anxious about someone finding the notebook.
• Distraction: Scrolling, working out, or binging shows works temporarily, but the thoughts always come back the second things get quiet.

I want to process these things healthily so I can move past them, rather than just burying them and letting them affect my subconscious behavior.

Do I cross your mind in the same way you’re always on mine?

Someone’s laugh, a song on the radio, a memory coming across your phone.

Do you lay in bed at night wondering what it would still be like if we shared the same blankets, breathed the same oxygen, awaken to the same morning dawn.

Do you wake up in the middle of the night after seeing my face play across the backs of your eye lids? Reach out a hand to an empty side of the mattress, curl back up and stare at the wall, unable to get me out of your head, even after all this time. A hole in the universe always pulling you back as soon as you can’t remember the last time my name was on your lips.

I tried to come back to you. You showed back up into my life, only to shut me out to try something with someone new. I would have moved across the world to start new with you. Now, it seems, you’re back again. It’s too late this time, my plans are made, my vows are written, my fate sealed.

Do you scroll here, thinking maybe you’ll find me looking too? Writing words unspoken.

I hope you find peace. I just wish all those times that it would have been with me.

In the next life, J.

19 years ago nothing left but me

Obscene that you were taken just like that

19 years ago nothing left but me

7 days induced coma no words spoken

19 years ago nothing left but me

A moment shared but pain was all I saw our eyes locked

19 years ago nothing left but me

That was the moment of the end

19 years ago nothing left but me

Memories of yesterday start to fade

19 years ago today you died

PG

I might just have done something at work today that might loose me my job.
And i was caught.

I wont pretend it wouldnt be justified. Finding a job was SO fucking hard already. IT is oversaturated. German Economy isnt good already and only likely to get worse.
If i get fired i dont think ill ever find one again.
Im so scared.
And the worst think is i dont even know if anything will happen.
This could all blow over. Or i get called into an office tomorrow, or in a week, or a month. or several.
I cant clear this up without guaranteeing im done for.
So untill that day comes. All i have is fear. And i cant even talk about it to someone at home. I got off of work 2 hours ago. the thing happened half an hour before that.
My hands havent stopped shaking. My ears are ringing.

Im not crying. Not jet. That ll be tonight.
When the night makes everything seem worse.

And the worst thing is that its all my fault, and nothing can be undone now. I hate myself.
Thoughts turning dark. Anything else i am feeling would likely be removed by moderation.
Just... Wish me luck ok? Not that i deserve it.

People don’t love you.

They love the idea of you that
They compose in their head
The ghost of your kindness
And lightheart
The carefully selected generalization
Of your personalities
That benefit their ego.

They may not love you for these reasons on purpose
But they don’t
Or can’t
Fathom care
past the point
That exposes the barriers of
“Loving”
An empty cup

The thing they don’t tell you about empty cups
Is you don’t become loved while you’re empty
It never starts that way

You start bursting at the seams,
Full past the brim
With expectations and generous notions

People love that you’re so outgoing

When you listen to their tragedies with
Tears of your own to add

When you buy their drinks at the bar
To refill their matching aches

When you bring the smoke because you
Just enjoy the company

They love the constant
Reassurance
The compliments
The seemingly grounded support

The last breath in your lungs
That you give
To resuscitate the
Fragility of their
Brittle backbone.

Soon, however, you can’t find
enough starlight
To fuel the overflow
As hard as you attempt to replenish

The flow turns to trickle
and you can only allow a few
To drink

Soon,
You’re empty.

And not many can fathom emptiness
And the moment
The breeze of the abyss
Caresses your
Innermost fears

Is when you’ve
Allotted the last drop
To wet the lips of
The most coveted angel;

Only then can you see,

That empty cups
Only know of love
From memories.

\~sosita\~

Reconnection is a funny thing. When you’re least expecting it, it hits you like a truck.

I want to tell you everything. I wish I could be open about the entirety of my feelings, but I’m not in the position to. We both know that. So here I am, stupidly hoping that you’ll see this and somehow know it’s about you. Do you even use Reddit?

I think about you a lot. More like constantly, if I’m being any sort of honest. I dream about you, wish I could do something as simple as hold your hand like I do in those dreams. I’d like to think you’d laugh if I told you your hands were clammy in my dream.

The uncertainty holds me back, like it always does. Always has.

I find myself craving to know what your touch would feel like to me, even after all these years.

Because your voice? When I hear it online, it makes my heart flutter. Whether you’re talking to me or not. I wish I could tell you that. But somehow it wouldn’t be fair.

So I keep you close. I am selfish. I know that. But I desperately hope that one day you will be a little selfish too.

Talk to you soon, nerd.

I won"t wonder what I did to deserve this, what I did so wrong, forever. I won't obsessed over how I missed all the warning signs and red flags forever. I won't constantly be on edge forever. I won't feel unsafe forever. I wont want to run away forever. I wont feel tossed aside forever. I wont doubt or blame myself forever.

Eventually it will get better. Eventually I wont want to hide. Eventually I will trust again. Eventually I will not believe that it's better to be alone and guarded than to be in a relationship.

I have to believe it will get better. I have to believe that finally taking the chance and going after the life I've always wanted, no matter how unconventional, will not only work but be worth it. That I'll truly be happy. I have to believe that it wont suck forever.

It wasn't a bad dream, though. Just strange. Keep in mind that this was a dream, so laws, rules, regulations, and the laws of physics do not apply.

In my dream my siblings and I were little kids again. We were at an airport with Mom. For some reason it was going to be a long time before our plane arrived, so we were going to have to sleep at the airport.

My mom pulled this huge blanket out of nowhere. It was so big that all four of us could sit underneath it with room to spare.

Mom said, "It'll be just like camping!"

My siblings and I each had a flashlight, and we were playing with them underneath the blanket. We were pretending they were lightsabers and reenacting our favorite scenes from Star Wars.

Mom said we had too much energy and she told us to go play outside of the blanket. The airport was crowded, but everyone was frozen. They looked like mannequins. It was like someone had hit pause on a remote or something.

My siblings and I were running with our arms outstretched, pretending we were flying. We weaved in and out of the crowd, careful not to bump into anyone.

We jumped over seats and climbed up on counters. We pounded our chests and yelled like Tarzan, just like we used to.

Then, Mom told us it was time for bed. We all got back under the blanket. Mom said we could play with our flashlights, but we needed to start settling down. We lay there and made shadow puppets while Mom told us stories.

Then my brother said, " I like it when Dad's not here."

I looked at Mom because I knew my brother had just said a bad thing. I felt the same way, but I wouldn't have said it out loud around a grown up.

My mom smiled and said, "Can I tell you a secret? I do, too."

Then I woke up.

Our lives were intertwined, and to me it might as well be that they are. I live in half an illusion.

I wonder whether you wanted me to do unto you as you had done unto me- that famous gold rule.
I wonder whether you wanted me to treat you the way you treated me, but I am the silent meek type. I am not so forward as you.
I know I left my tab unpaid, it is the only tab I have ever left with such a due.
I am reminded of how It became, miraculously, no longer a question of what I really owed you and what you really owed me and more a question of what you wanted.
In the future the promise will not be insidious. In the future I will try my best to get back to you.

In the meantime I will wrestle with God, and you will wrestle with your self.
They are not so different things in truth.

Oaklahomie , windy day sporting a hot U-Haul full of Miss S beautiful belongings . We are having a heck of a good time . Trying to to get home asap. Papa is driving listening to to the beach I’m listening to him sing we are fuckin exhausted dirty and stink stressed so broke and swinging out to get mama home . I watch him drive I get upset because he doesn’t let me drive . He’s so hot I love him so much . I wonder if he really knows . I never want to know another . He’s difficult like a little boy has tantrums get impatient and has steam shooting out of his ears like a cartoon character. He’s a manly man tough rugged but when I catch him looking at me he’s a sweetest of boy . Ice is hard not fair lots of chaos he’s raising three his heart is bigger then this earth and neighboring solar system . I’m not sure how this story luventure will end ? Maybe it will be infanate . We talk about everything but there is still so much mystery . His guarded parts his imperfections are what I admire most . I want to make love and make like and make music and make food and make a mess make a big fire make a life maybe in Nevada welll get hitched I want him to ask if he doesn’t ask me I’ll have to pretend not to feel disappointed or hurt . If he doesn’t ask . I’m practicing it now . I’ll update you Cracker Barrel .. still water have a great night

I genuinely think some people walk through life leaving emotional destruction behind them and then act confused when nobody wants them around anymore.

The guy my best friend is dealing with is one of those people.

Everything with him is manipulation, control, ego, and emotional games disguised as “misunderstandings.” He treats people like disposable accessories he can pick up whenever he’s bored and throw away whenever accountability shows up. One day he’s obsessed with her attention, demanding emotional energy, acting possessive, wanting constant validation. The next day he vanishes, ignores her existence, acts cold for no reason, or treats her like she’s annoying for expecting basic respect.

And somehow every single problem magically becomes everyone else’s fault.

He talks trash about people behind their backs constantly, starts drama, fuels tension between people, then sits there acting like he’s above it all while everyone else cleans up the mess he created. If someone confronts him about his behavior, he either ghosts, lashes out, plays victim, or acts like people are “attacking” him for expecting the bare minimum level of decency.

It’s honestly disturbing how much he seems to enjoy keeping people emotionally off balance. He gives just enough attention to keep someone hooked and then immediately withholds it the second they get comfortable. It’s like he needs people insecure and chasing his approval to feel important.

And the arrogance is unreal for someone who contributes absolutely nothing but stress, confusion, and negativity to every group dynamic he enters.

What makes me angriest is watching my best friend slowly internalize this treatment like she’s somehow the problem. She’s overanalyzing texts, questioning herself, wondering if she did something wrong, trying to communicate with someone who emotionally operates like a manipulative middle schooler trapped in an adult body.

Meanwhile he gets to dodge responsibility over and over because disappearing is easier than admitting he’s toxic.

At some point you have to stop calling this “miscommunication” and call it what it actually is: emotional immaturity mixed with selfishness and a complete lack of respect for other people’s feelings.

I don’t even think he likes people. I think he likes attention, control, and the feeling of being emotionally centered in everyone’s lives while giving almost nothing meaningful back.

I cannot wait for the day my best friend finally realizes peace feels a lot better than constantly trying to decode someone who enjoys hurting people and calling it personality.

I recently got out of a long-term relationship a few months ago, and I have to say, the dating world is terrifying. I don’t know if it's just bad luck, but I feel like things have changed so much. Women’s expectations seem higher, many just want to do whatever they feel like without consequences, and it feels like cheating has become some kind of new trend.
I’ve been on a few dates lately, and honestly, I’m starting to give up on dating with serious intentions.

In a span of 29 hours, I was at work for 19 of them. I have a client on 15-minute observation checks, and their room is upstairs.

So I spent 19 hours going up and down two flights of stairs every 15 minutes.

My whole body freaking hurts.

I have a lot of regrets right now.

I started journaling around 3 months ago, and now I’m wondering how I’ll feel about my diary when I grow older.

I think having a diary is really cool. So many small details get forgotten from day to day, and it’s nice having them written down somewhere. At the same time, it can feel exhausting trying to write everything down and remember every detail.

I almost never reread my diary. I write about my day, then it just sits there. I already finished my first notebook and started my second one about a week ago.

At first I wrote consistently every day, but now I skip some days and talk about them later instead.

So my question is: how do you feel about your diary now? What do you usually write about? What advantages and disadvantages of journaling have you personally noticed?

I worked 7pm to 6am last night. Then I went home and only managed four hours of sleep before I snapped awake. I tried to go back to sleep because I had to be back at work at 4pm, but all I did was toss and turn.

Around 2pm I thought, screw it. Might as well get in the shower.

I took my time because I was trying to relax. I took my time putting on makeup, too. I had “Yeah Right” by Joji on repeat and I was singing along.

Then I thought:

“Why am I even doing this? None of my effort gets appreciated or even noticed. All the overtime pay is just going to get taxed to hell anyway, so my check probably won’t even look that different. What’s the point of any of this?”

So then I quit my job.

Haha. Just kidding. I’m at work right now.

But in a parallel universe…

*I once wrote this for a man who existed only between two lives, the one he lived and the one he wished for.*
*It’s not a confession. It’s a eulogy for the version of a person we all become when love happens at the wrong time but still finds the right place inside us.*

He was a man of imagination and imperfection, who ceased to exist quietly in the early hours of a long-overdue reckoning.
His age was never recorded, though those who knew him best understood he had lived several lives within one.

Built from fragments of hope, regret, and reckless affection, he was never meant entirely for this world.
He existed somewhere between truth and disguise, in that fragile space where love hides when it cannot live in daylight.

He loved deeply; perhaps too deeply; one woman in particular.
To her, he gave his gentlest thoughts and fiercest devotion, often mistaking obsession for destiny.
His flaws were many: impulsive, idealistic, incurably romantic.
But beneath it all beat a heart unafraid to feel, even when feeling cost him everything.

In the end, he came to understand that love cannot survive indefinitely in shadows.
It needs air, sunlight, imperfection, and truth.
And so, with quiet dignity, he accepted that his purpose was not to endure,
but to show that longing without honesty is just another form of hiding.

He leaves behind no possessions, no photographs, and no trace of the world he once tried to build.
But he does leave something quieter, purer:
the knowledge that even imaginary hearts can break,
and that sometimes, the act of letting them die is the truest form of love.

May he rest in peace, at last.

TL;DR: Saying goodbye to a version of myself I can’t be anymore

i really want tk kill myself tonight. Idk why but i cant atop crying. Im used to crying silently but rn im sobbing a bit loudly. I can't control my emotions and idk what to do. I tried slicing my wrist but the blade was too dull. I planned on overdosing w pills but my mom entered the room. I snapped out of reality quick bit now i wanna do it.

It would’ve been great if you took my hand…