r/ChristianDating

It always makes socializing and dating difficult. It also doesn’t help anybody with their life and cliques are a form of favoritism which James tells us to avoid.

I see a lot of posts lamenting the fact that the dream woman/man is simply not showing and that's turning into a crisis of faith in God. Because after all God knows us, God is benevolent, so why is God not doing his part and provide us… not just a spouse, but the spouse - our soulmate, our right jigsaw piece, our Mr. Darcy. After all, why on earth would God want us to settle for less than we deserve or feel entitled too. 

The other day I saw the BBC´s tv adaptation of “Pride and Prejudice”. I'm not a big fan of romance, but for some reason the slow pace and the different language made it worthwhile - well if honest, I was quite entertained indeed.
The main character Elisabeth Bennet has a friend Miss. Lucas, who comes to terms with her outlook in life, her being 27 years old and on a fast track to spinsterhood. Because of that she agrees to marry the somewhat nitwit Mr. Collins. No romance, no greater admission of love, no fireworks in tummy, but it secures her a position in society, gives her security and provides her with an earthly calling/mission. This is the exact opposite (in terms of romance) to the case of the protagonist Elisabeth Bennet, who receives the affection and love from hunkiest of hunks Mr. Darcy, who coincidentally also is a billionaire. Darcy came to earn the respect and love of Elisabeth, and in the last scene they get married. 

My late grandmother once gave me advice, since I was still single. She gave me this nugget “If you can't get who you love, you should love who you can get.” - Well she got who she loved, so it was easy for her to say. 
But her point still stands. It wasn't the man/woman who was the objective, it was the marriage you built together, it was the entrance to society and adulthood - It was fulfilling your duties to society, civilization and God through Gen 1.28.
We ask a lot of these institutions (church, society) and even God to provide something for us and find it unjust if it does not arrive. We ask from the potential spouse, what do I get from you. What do you bring to the table? How much joy can you provide me?

We even with a straight face blame God if our life turns into loneliness and even bitterness, because we feel entitled and deserving of so much. All this while God never once promised us marriage, health, material abundance or anything our hearts desire.   

I think pedestalization of romantic love as a feeling, can fill us with ungratefulness and we expect too much of it. 

The kicker is: Many know this so why is it difficult to change? 

I'm a 33-year-old woman, and my last relationship was 10 years ago. Since then, I've focused on studying and working. I've always prayed to meet the right man. Sometimes I feel desperate or hopeless, and I've even considered freezing my eggs, then I realized that doing that would be a lack of faith on my part, sometimes I think I make a huge effort to be out there and meet people, and that I've created expectations with some of the guys I've met. Added to that is the pressure from friends, family, and even potential dates about why I'm still single. It's frustrating how time passes, every new year, and I still haven't found that person. I'm very sad, and I've asked God to take away my desire to be loved so I don't have to think about this.

Sorry if this post gets long...

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, although the last 8 months has been rocky.

Marriage was always the goal except that has been massively delayed and now I’m not sure if he’ll be ready anytime soon. I’m more than ready and we’re both in our 40s so time is not on our side.

He’s been married before and carries a lot of trauma from that relationship. I discovered early on that his attachment style is disorganised/FA, so there are periods where he becomes avoidant and struggles to communicate poperly. He shuts down basically.

This has been a huge problem over the last 2 months where I'll say something and he'll go quiet for over a week and it’s really upsetting. We’re in our third quiet period now and I’ve decided I’m not going to be the one to rescue him from his silence this time, and just leave him to come back when he’s ready.

The conversation that led to him shutting down was about us/our future and I expressed how difficult I was finding it dealing with him pulling me in and then pushing me away all the time. He acknowledges what he does and said that he knows it’s difficult for me, but in those moments he’d want there to be an understanding where I stay by his side and be there for him/us.

I've been doing that but I have to stop because it causes me too much pain. He’s admitted he’s scared of getting hurt and letting someone get close again (being vulnerable) and I 100% see that. He craves closeness and when everything is going good he's the perfect partner but when it comes to serious matters or he feels like he's let me down then he runs away.

I have always seen him as my kingdom spouse and can't see that changing anytime soon. I love him deeply and want to support him anyway I can, but it's becoming difficult to not hurt myself in the process. He says he's working on it but in the last 8 months things have gradually got worse, not better.

I said before we get married he would need to do the work and he said he is. He was in therapy but I think his sessions have ended now so I'm not sure specifically what he's doing, but i’m not seeing the fruit of it yet. I would love him to go back to therapy but he needs to make that decision for himself, I haven't mentioned it yet.

He's the first man I can say I have loved in a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of way and I would love to continue that but I struggle these days. I know a Godly relationship doesn't equal smooth sailing but I also know we’re not called to tolerate everything. He says he never wants to hurt me and feels bad when he does but the fact that it keeps happening I can't ignore it.

I guess i’m posting to see if anybody has been in a similar situation, and what they did about it, or if you just have any advice. Would love to hear from men and women and if you have a disorganised/FA attachment style even better!

I grew up in the Church and in a Christian household (praise God) so I am no stranger to general unspoken favouritism or privilege Christians receive if married.

A classic example would be adult singles being the predominant serving group across a majority of Churches. Examples I have personally encountered in the church are singles being asked to leave their existing small group so that it would become exclusively married couples only, ministries made only for couples and families, and lack of small groups for professionals or singles or anyone leaving the Young Adults community (only other options for small groups are couples, parents, older adults).

In my family, it also looks like inheritance money only going to my married siblings since "they have children and you don't". That is an extreme example, but there are less obvious examples like general entitlement for my married siblings to be catered to. By the way, I love my family lots - so no shade to them.

I'm learning to die to myself more and more as a result of this, which is a great way to grow in holiness. But how else is everyone managing this without harbouring resentment or unforgiveness? Are there verses or prayers you're meditating on? If you're not managing it well, that's cool too - I get it.

How is that fair? And even if I'm not ready for marriage what if I die?

There's no marriage in heaven.

Some people are getting their dreams answered while the rest just have to either settle or stay single.

At this point I think I've given up :)

Not just in a religious way like "God's will for you is to be single because you must do [random thing]" but in a "you don't deserve to have a partner" or "you shouldn't be dating anyone at least right now" sense?

So I acknowledge right off the bat I’m maybe more pro-self improvement and improving appearance than most Christians, but I think this as obvious as it sounds appearance is neglected by many people out there.

The mainstream looksmaxxing stuff on the internet has given it a very bad look, and many people think doing any of that is vein or egotistical cause the most popular people promoting it are exactly that- vein and egotistical.

But I do think there is a balance where we can honor god with our appearance just as we honor god with our bodies.

I think we can’t have it both ways that we want God to bring us a spouse we’re attracted to and not be caring at all about our own appearance. I don’t think caring makes it an idol inherently, there’s a balance like anything.

In general Christians seem more polarized on this topic than secular people. Christians either legitimately don’t care at all what they look like or care way too much.

It’s a tricky topic because it involves admitting that worldly status does partially rely on looks, even if it doesn’t matter at all in God’s kingdom.

Hi everyone, I could really use some outside perspective because I feel pretty confused right now.

I was seeing a Christian guy for a little while, and I started to genuinely like him. We got along really well, I enjoyed being around him, and honestly he has a lot of qualities I would look for in a husband.

Earlier this week, he told me he thinks we should just be friends because we’re at different spiritual levels right now.

For some background: I grew up in the church, but my family stopped going when I was in middle school, so I drifted away from it. Recently, I’ve felt a strong pull to reconnect with my faith and take it more seriously. He, on the other hand, is very strong and devoted in his faith—it’s a central part of his life. He told me he’s looking for a woman who loves God more than she would love him, which I completely understand and respect.

Since that conversation, but not due to it, I’ve been trying to be more intentional about my faith overall. I’ve been spending more time in the Bible, reflecting more, and working on making God a central part of my life in my day-to-day actions. This is something I’ve felt personally called to grow in, regardless of how things turn out with him. I’m still early in that process, and it’s not always easy, but I am genuinely trying and staying consistent.

When we talked about everything, he brought up the idea of being “equally yoked,” which I do agree with. But emotionally, it was still really hard to hear. At the time, I feel like I responded more from emotion than from a grounded understanding of everything.

He said he would still like to be friends and mentioned things like going on walks, Target runs, and even Bible study together. I told him I was hesitant because I’m scared I would end up hurting myself by holding onto hope that there could be something more. He said there could be a future, but as of right now, we aren’t spiritually aligned.

There are also a couple of other important factors. He shared that he struggles with temptation (like porn) and doesn’t want to put me in a position to deal with that, which I honestly respect. At the same time, when we first met, I would describe myself as more of a “lukewarm Christian,” and we did give in to some physical temptation together (not sex, but still things I now regret). I think that’s part of why I feel so emotionally stuck now, and I know it was very wrong. I now know why we aren’t supposed to engage in those acts before marriage. I feel horrible about it and would love to apologize for the role I played in things, but again I’m hesitant to ask to meet up. I’m second guessing myself on whether or not he truly meant that we could still be friends.

Right now, he still keeps in contact with me, but he doesn’t make an effort to see me anymore. And I don’t want to annoy him with asking to see each other, if he didn’t truly mean it. The effort feels different, and that’s been confusing for me.

Another layer to this is that I don’t really have strong Christian influences in my life. My family is more lukewarm, and when I try to take my faith more seriously, they make comments about me being “too extreme,” which makes it harder to fully lean into it. That’s part of why I’m even considering staying connected to him—I don’t really have anyone else to walk through this with.

So now I feel like I’m at a crossroads:

• Would it be a bad idea to ask him to do a Bible study together, even just as friends?

• Should I create distance to protect my emotions?

• Do you think he genuinely meant there could be a future, or was that just a gentle way of letting me down?

At the end of the day, I do want to keep growing in my faith no matter what happens with him. I’ve been trying to pray about it and trust God with the outcome, but I’m still feeling unsure.

I would really appreciate advice, especially from people who take their faith seriously or have been in a similar situation.

As a woman, I enjoy gaming and some occasional anime ( non-Christian.) I also read some fantasy books( christian fantasy). Would these aspects of me be a turn off for a Christian man, being that anime and gaming don’t “glorify God” and also does the things I like seem childish, as I am 33? I fear I would like childish or not truly Christian for this.

Hey all. I’ve just started seeing a guy and he has a book in his room called why women deserves less. I’m thinking I need to run from this?

I guess I am mostly wanting advice, pointers.

I used to have a number of questions about faith/theology to ask to see if we are on the same page, I wouldn't ask all at once of course and this was mostly deal breaker stuff. I realized anyone of us can give the right answers but we also need to live that truth.

Then the last guy I was seeing I decided not to pressure anything or ask too much, hung out slightly longer than I usually do with a guy and this man was very nice. He said he prioritized practical living over theology. He never really spoke about Jesus though or showed any desire to grow or learn more despite being christian all his life so I thought I was being harsh. Eventually we ended things because he held opinions I didn't agree with like not believing that certain sins are sins since the bible was barely more than just a good book to him and other incompatibilities.

I now believe we need both the knowledge and obedience, how can one live for Christ without knowing him. I'm not looking for a perfect man, not one who knows everything or doesn't have any struggles but it's important that he be a committed christian with a desire to continuously grow and learn. How do you approach this? And how do you ask questions without making it seem like you are being judgemental of someone's faith?

Hey guys, im so sorry for the long post in advance!

Im 32F and for 8 months ive been dating a 38M i met through a church event. He has been in my country (UK) for about 10 years, but he's originally from another European country. He was on track to get sponsorship from his company so that he could gain his permanent visa, but 1 month into our relationship his company advised him they could no longer sponsor him. As his visa was running out in 5 months, he asked me if i would be willing to do a partner sponsorship with him. I thought it was way too soon, so I said no and broke things off. He reached out to me a few weeks later saying he wanted to get back together even if I wouldnt sponsor him, and becuase i had strong feelings i agreed.

3 months later, he ended up having to leave and go back home. We have now been together 8 months (4 months real life, 4 months long distance) and we still love each other, but the only way we can be together is if i move to his country (where i would lose my great job and i dont speak the language), or if i sponsor him to come here. I don't know if its reasonable for me to still be concerned about it, just becuase i feel like it puts a lot of pressure on our relationship after a relatively short amount of time. But im so conflicted because i know he has no other way of coming. I've really been praying about it but still don't feel peace with either decision.

Would greatly appreciate your advice or previous experiences!

xx

Hi! Im a 32 year old male living in South Africa. I’m 190cm tall with a solid build.

I work in Healthcare Tech as a Product Engineer. I enjoy writing, playing video games, hiking, and traveling. I also play the guitar and have been part of a worship team for a few years.

I’ve always been Christian, but truly accepted Christ in my late teens. Since then, it’s been a lot of learning, serving, and growing. My goal is to be more Christlike everyday. I am a natural leader, and my main qualities are strength, resiliency, and focus.

I’m looking for someone that is feminine, understands gender dynamics, and loves God entirely. I want a partner that I can build, grow, and serve with, and eventually raise a family with in a God centered, loving way. I’m big on family, and need a partner that understands the importance of it as well.

My preferred age range for a partner is 24-28.

I’m not too keen on long distance, but don’t mind relocation if things get serious.