u/nikki-niksUK

Sorry if this post gets long...

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, although the last 8 months has been rocky.

Marriage was always the goal except that has been massively delayed and now I’m not sure if he’ll be ready anytime soon. I’m more than ready and we’re both in our 40s so time is not on our side.

He’s been married before and carries a lot of trauma from that relationship. I discovered early on that his attachment style is disorganised/FA, so there are periods where he becomes avoidant and struggles to communicate poperly. He shuts down basically.

This has been a huge problem over the last 2 months where I'll say something and he'll go quiet for over a week and it’s really upsetting. We’re in our third quiet period now and I’ve decided I’m not going to be the one to rescue him from his silence this time, and just leave him to come back when he’s ready.

The conversation that led to him shutting down was about us/our future and I expressed how difficult I was finding it dealing with him pulling me in and then pushing me away all the time. He acknowledges what he does and said that he knows it’s difficult for me, but in those moments he’d want there to be an understanding where I stay by his side and be there for him/us.

I've been doing that but I have to stop because it causes me too much pain. He’s admitted he’s scared of getting hurt and letting someone get close again (being vulnerable) and I 100% see that. He craves closeness and when everything is going good he's the perfect partner but when it comes to serious matters or he feels like he's let me down then he runs away.

I have always seen him as my kingdom spouse and can't see that changing anytime soon. I love him deeply and want to support him anyway I can, but it's becoming difficult to not hurt myself in the process. He says he's working on it but in the last 8 months things have gradually got worse, not better.

I said before we get married he would need to do the work and he said he is. He was in therapy but I think his sessions have ended now so I'm not sure specifically what he's doing, but i’m not seeing the fruit of it yet. I would love him to go back to therapy but he needs to make that decision for himself, I haven't mentioned it yet.

He's the first man I can say I have loved in a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of way and I would love to continue that but I struggle these days. I know a Godly relationship doesn't equal smooth sailing but I also know we’re not called to tolerate everything. He says he never wants to hurt me and feels bad when he does but the fact that it keeps happening I can't ignore it.

I guess i’m posting to see if anybody has been in a similar situation, and what they did about it, or if you just have any advice. Would love to hear from men and women and if you have a disorganised/FA attachment style even better!

Sorry if this post gets long...

My partner and I have been together for just over 2 years, although the last 8 months has been rocky.

Marriage was always the goal except that has been massively delayed and now I’m not sure if he’ll be ready anytime soon. I’m more than ready and we’re both in our 40s so time is not on our side.

He’s been married before and carries a lot of trauma from that relationship. I discovered early on that his attachment style is disorganised/FA, so there are periods where he becomes avoidant and struggles to communicate poperly. He shuts down basically.

This has been a huge problem over the last 2 months where I'll say something and he'll go quiet for over a week and it’s really upsetting. We’re in our third quiet period now and I’ve decided I’m not going to be the one to rescue him from his silence this time, and just leave him to come back when he’s ready.

The conversation that led to him shutting down was about us/our future and I expressed how difficult I was finding it dealing with him pulling me in and then pushing me away all the time. He acknowledges what he does and said that he knows it’s difficult for me, but in those moments he’d want there to be an understanding where I stay by his side and be there for him/us.

I've been doing that but I have to stop because it causes me too much pain. He’s admitted he’s scared of getting hurt and letting someone get close again (being vulnerable) and I 100% see that. He craves closeness and when everything is going good he's the perfect partner but when it comes to serious matters or he feels like he's let me down then he runs away.

I have always seen him as my kingdom spouse and can't see that changing anytime soon. I love him deeply and want to support him anyway I can, but it's becoming difficult to not hurt myself in the process. He says he's working on it but in the last 8 months things have gradually got worse, not better.

I said before we get married he would need to do the work and he said he is. He was in therapy but I think his sessions have ended now so I'm not sure specifically what he's doing, but i’m not seeing the fruit of it yet. I would love him to go back to therapy but he needs to make that decision for himself, I haven't mentioned it yet.

He's the first man I can say I have loved in a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of way and I would love to continue that but I struggle these days. I know a Godly relationship doesn't equal smooth sailing but I also know we’re not called to tolerate everything. He says he never wants to hurt me and feels bad when he does but the fact that it keeps happening I can't ignore it.

I guess i’m posting to see if anybody has been in a similar situation, and what they did about it, or if you just have any advice. Would love to hear from men and women and if you have a disorganised/FA attachment style even better!