Hii. I'm new into dominant submissive things. So, I'm not sure how this thing works and I don't have anyone to talk this about. I just wanna ask, is it okay if I feel slowly getting attached or developing feelings for him? We just getting know each other through online platform.
Are there any experienced male doms willing to educate a beginner female sub or where I should look? I am 34 years old female with a service bottom and nurturer dynamic looking to feel owned and recognized.
Ok, so for context, I (31F) have been apart of the bdsm/kink community in the past but I am not actively “practicing” nor currently looking for any partners/dynamics. I have always been a sub in these dynamics. I took a step back towards the end of last year for personal reasons awhile ago to focus on other things.
Recently, I decided I wanted to try my hand again at regular dating. So I downloaded hinge, like a normal person would do. My profile is pretty normal for my personality, I don’t really have any signals or statements showing that I would be into bdsm aside from your best educated guess.
I match with someone (27M), we bond over being weird. He gives me his phone number and we proceed to start texting. We hit it off pretty quickly, the conversation is flowing.
We talk for one day, he asks if he can spend the night and take a shower at my place for the first time meeting. First red flag I know.
I told him I’m not comfortable with that, we decide to plan another day and proceed to continue to talk to get to know each other.
Later in the night texts start to get flirtatious, and he calls me a good girl and I obviously have a positive response to such and start to let my submissive side leak out.
He tells me that he’s “lowkey” asexual so we converse a little bit about that and I reveal to him that I do have some history of sexual trauma (not sharing details) and have been on a celibacy journey. He applauds me for this and talks about how people that have sex all the time are drained and he doesn’t prefer the act itself but likes kissing and making out.
He sends me a selfie of him wearing a very boxy puffer vest with a blanket covering his bottom half. I’m a bit confused as to what I’m seeing because it’s not clear what he’s wearing because it’s so big and boxy. And it’s 80F outside so the attire does not make sense for the weather or the time of night. He tells me it’s just a puffer vest. He then asks me if one day he can come over to zip me up in it and cuddle. I play along, it seems to be cute and playful. He then says he would love to buy one for me. He brings up buying one for me multiple times to which I tell him I am uncomfortable with and ask him not to as we are not dating and haven’t even met.
He asks me what my thoughts on camping are, I say I enjoy camping. He asks if I want to see something that he’s always wanted to get, and it’s a screenshot of a sleeping bag from a website. It was sleeveless, pink on the inside and had a “wet/shiny” look to it with the same boxy appearance as the one he was wearing in his selfie. He talks about how cute I would look in it. And how he would love to cuddle me with it. I play along but in my head it starts to stand out as a little weird. We start talking more about our sexual past and I reinforce that I have a complicated relationship with sex. He reveals to me that he use to sleep with a lot women but it only made him lonely so that’s no longer the case.
Anyways, going into the next day, we continue talking and he brings up that he had a fantasy of me in the sleeping bag at work and he wanted to tell me about it. I respond jokingly that he is obsessed with this sleeping bag and I ask him what the deal is. He just responds that he thinks it’s cute.
He describes his fantasy of zipping me up, propping me up on the bed, watching a movie, feeding me and giving me water sips because I wouldn’t be able to move. Me refusing to let him unzip me, and using my body as a pillow. I feed into this, it seemed innocent and cute in nature. I’m not one to shame anyone for their desires and remain open.
He tells me he found a picture of someone wearing it online and wants to send it to me, the picture he sends me seems a bit odd but I can’t really point it out. It’s just a woman laying on the bed zipped up in a black sleeping bag with only her head exposed.
I continue to respond to his interest in this but I tell him I might get claustrophobic wearing something like that, but im open to it. He seems relieved that I’m not weirded out and continues to express interest in talking about the sleep sack. He says something about me not having free will while zipped up in the puffer and I respond positively. He seems surprised that I would be open to being restricted, at this point I ask him if he knows what a sub is and he responds that he does. He seems surprised at me identifying as one, although I told him I thought I was making it obvious through my flirtations. He says he thought I was just playing along and that he is “slow”. I do reveal to him that as a sub I enjoy being a doll. At this point it’s late and I couldn’t help but feed into my own submissive desires and feel myself get a little excited. So I continue to play along and remain open even though I do feel slightly uncomfortable/confused with how this was brought up.
At this point he starts to really feed into continuing to talk about this fantasy knowing im more open in that nature. He apologizes for talking about it so much and I ask him again what the obsession is about to which he doesn’t really answer.
He sends me another picture of a girl in a sleeping bag but this time with tape around it, and talks about how I really wouldn’t be able to move restrained like that. I ask him where he got this photo and he said there are videos online. More alarms start to go off in my head and I told him I was scared in a jokingly way because I didn’t want to shame or embarrass him. He asks if I’m ok and I just tell him I’ve genuinely never thought of sleeping bags in this way and I was curious. He says “wym” and acts incapable of answering that statement because his “brain isn’t working”.
I tell him I don’t want to talk about sleeping bags anymore.
I did a google image search of both of the images and it brings up results to deviant art, X, and fetish/bondage web names. I do not click on the links themselves as I feel like I got enough information to come to some sort of conclusion myself.
I go back to the original image he sent me of the sleeping bag for sale and notice the websites name. I visit the website (tianyoutextile.con) and it’s a custom wear site advertising lots of items that look related to BDSM/kink (body suits, masks, adult diapers, thongs) all in this puffer sleeping bag material.
He asks me what kind of men I have dated in the past. I tell him not very good partners, my ex boyfriend was a felon. He then reveals to me that he is on probation for drug related charges, for having Molly to sell at music festivals. I brush this off, tell him I don’t really mind since it’s non violent, and I ask him more questions about the logistics of it. (At this point I am really not comfortable anymore and am starting to think of how to appropriately break things off with this guy.)
The next morning he tells me he had another sleep sack fantasy of me and wants to share. I quickly brush this off, redirect conversation and my responses are short, I tell him I’ll talk to him when I get home.
When I get home I tell him that I can no longer continue this with him. I tell him I have too much going on in my life and I can’t focus on a potential romantic relationship. He asks if he did anything, I told him he was moving at a pace I wasn’t comfortable with and I didn’t want to date anyone again that is on probation. He then proceeds to talk about how he’s used to it, always gets ghosted, no one wants him, everyone looks at him for his past not who he is now.
I was going to just let this go but thinking about everything I felt a little angry. I told him he should have revealed to me he was on probation before asking to sleepover.
I delicately approached the subject of the sleeping bag. I ask what his intentions with it are. I tell him I feel like he is not being forthcoming with them. I state as someone who has been in the BDSM community the indirectness and avoidance to my questions is a red flag. He says his intentions are pure. I ask him again if he would like to elaborate on what his actual desires are. To which he does not respond, only asks for me to give him a chance and my life will be filled with adventure. I tell him there is nothing to be ashamed about, but I will not be coerced. No reply.
So, sorry for the long story time. I am left feeling a bit surprised, confused and stupid. He clearly has some experience with BDSM/kink that would lead him towards those specific websites and photos. Which makes me angrier that I had to be the one to bring up the conversation of a D/s dynamic.
I wanted to put this interaction out there to hear your thoughts from the BDSM community. Am I overacting to him not being forthcoming about his kinks? It feels like dishonesty. I’ve never had someone “reveal” their kinks to me in that manner. And it doesn’t even feel like they were revealed.
I’m also more curious now as to what this specific kink may be as I have never experimented with it. What sort of play does this entail. What do people typically enjoy with this? It didn’t seem inherently pornographic in nature and is a lot different than the bondage I am used to. I would love to learn more about it but I didn’t want to pry him anymore as he seemed ashamed of it himself.
How do you think I handled this in my last words to him? I never want to shame anyone. I acknowledge that I probably fed into this more than I should have considering some of the signs, but I am always open to giving people a chance and secretly enjoyed exploring that space again. This is part of why I had to take a step back from the community, it is too easy for me to fall into a submissive role and leads to some unhealthy dynamics. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Any advice on incorporating BDSM/kink play into monogamy and Romantic partnership in general. I can’t seem to separate the two and it makes it really hard to find good partners. Feeling defeated. Just please be nice if you have any constructive criticism:)
Thank you for reading.
My steak is too juicy and my lobster is too buttery. I found the perfect man, big, tough, muscular guy and he sooo into being submissive. I (Female, 22) myself have always like the thought of being a DOM but I've never actually done it before. Now this perfect man shows up and I don't know how to activate my inner DOM energy, I just end up being too soft. He wants me to talk dirty to him and put him in his place but whenever I try to to so, my mind is just blank. I need help. This is my first time being sexually active. I really wanna give this man what he wants and not disappoint him. He's really into praising plus being belittle. So can any of y'all give me ideas, or suggestions? I basically want to know how to pleasure a submissive bottom, and how to be a dominant top. Any ideas of what I should do?
My 73 y/o husband and I (69y/o) have recently discovered we love bondage and sensory play.
I love the feeling of being vulnerable, exposed, and the highly heightened feeling of unknowing anticipation. It has brought a new level of intimacy and trust to our relationship. He loves dominating me ( and I love being the recipient). He loves to make me orgasm over and over. I have experienced being submersed in the scene to the point of feeling like i was in another reality. He does take his turn being dominated, but i am not as good at it as he is. My question is: is this unusual for an older couple to be engaged in this? This is a second marriage for both of us. Our first spouses were not that interested in sex.
Is it possible to really love a woman (or a submissive man I just phrased it this way but dominant women, or men, involved with submissive men, or women, can also answer) yet enjoy causing her to feel pain, humiliation, fear, desperation, helplessness, etc.. in bed? If she dissociates into "sub-space", is it a turn on, or is it making you worry you went too far? Do you believe that if the woman you act out these fantasies with would have suffered or aggravated trauma from it, you would stop? Or would you leave her? Or would you just continue? Is it possible to honestly love a person and enjoy when they hurt, even if they enjoy it too?
I don’t know if this is the right subreddit. If it’s not, please direct me to a more appropriate one!
For starters, I am a CSA/ torture survivor. The guy I was seeing was aware. I am into some BDSM stuff and expressed I have not really engaged in it before and was trying to figure out what I liked in pornography vs real life. For additional context, this guy works at an inpatient psych hospital and has a BS in psychology, so I thought he’d be a great fit for me due to my history and how mental health stuff is present in every aspect of my life.
I broke up with him because during sexy time (we were in a >!69 position!<) he took pictures of my genitals without my permission. I had felt him moving around down there, and just assumed he was fidgeting, watching porn, checking a notification on his phone, etc. I only found out because later on in the evening, he said “I have a confession” and told me he took pictures but would delete them if I wanted him to. I said to delete them, and he asked if I wanted him to send them to me. I did not. I felt weird watching him delete them so I didn’t. Later on, friends and Reddit told me it’s completely reasonable to ask for proof he deleted the photos, which I did, and he sent me screen shots but said he was hurt. I broke up with him within 24 hours.
But that’s not why I’m here. Why I’m here is because I’m trying to figure out if the BDSM talk and other stuff we engaged in was normal BDSM or major red flags. Like… some of my friends are telling me to report him to his work (I found out from my psychiatric provider at the hospital he works at that employees are not supposed to date past or present patients, though I don’t think the guy was aware of this rule) or the police and I feel like that’s a major overreaction, but also I’m autistic and incredibly socially stupid and overly trusting.
For context, I am into BDSM, specifically CNC, possibly a daddy dom dynamic, and light masochism. We were together for 2 months.
I don’t want to kink shame, so I’m purely asking the following just from a personal safety perspective.
- If someone self-identifies as a “sexual sadist” when dating, is that a red flag? I had assumed it was an okay thing to identify as, but I want to confirm because I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt too much. I get being a dom and having some sadistic leanings, but Idk if straight up “I’m a sexual sadist” is bad or not.
- When I described my dad as a sadist he called me out. I can’t remember exactly what he said but he was offended and said something about how people look down on sadism, and it makes him feel like a bad person.
- The fantasy talk also started to feel less fantasy and more real. Like he talked a lot about how hot it would be to take me to some remote woods, give me a headstart to run away, and not give me my crutches (I’m disabled and need mobility aids) so I’d stumble everywhere, while he hunts me down and then rapes me.
- Talked about having sex with me on the inpatient unit if I ever went inpatient again.
- Also do I need to be concerned that he was talking about me eventually giving him the lock code to my house so he could CNC rape me (I did not give it to him). Again, we only knew each other for 2 months.
- The other thing was he brought up knife play a couple times in detail, based on a video he saw, knowing my self-harm history. Specifically saying he wanted to tether a vibrator to me so I’d arch into the knife and cut myself.
- The other thing he brought up that didn’t sit right to me is he said one time that when I’m ready, if I wanted to share details of my trauma he’d listen, but some of it is probably a turn on for him and “I know it’s probably a turn on for you”. And that bothers me because he used to work for family services with long term abuse cases. But he did seem genuinely traumatized by some of his cases.
I know at the very least, this stuff isn’t good, but I don’t know how bad it is. I believe he’s a good person with some messed up sexual inclinations and not a threat, but my friends seem concerned.
ETA: I should’ve used different language in my title. I know the kinks themselves aren’t the issue, nor do I take issue with them. It’s the behavior and stuff he did/ said I’m concerned about, and whether boundaries were crossed.
Some other red flags friends pointed out was:
- refusal to do oral on me (he said it was a sensory issue which I thought was valid)
- not wanting to use condoms as he can’t stay erect with them (he did try a condom for like 3 minutes)
- talking about how my planned hysterectomy made him feel panicked and when I offered reassurance and asked what he needed he said he didn’t want any and that surgery just made him panicky like he wanted to leave and runaway (both literally and metaphorically).
I was fine with this and willing to be patient but he also said he had commitment issues and didn’t want to label us as anything or become official or anything and idk if it’s “bad” to engage in a kinky relationship without it being official or labeled (genuinely don’t know).
Hey, so I read a lot of BDSM books, but have never been active in my local community. In most books, all the subs in the club have to submit to all the doms in a club. Calling them all sir and serving them drinks/food, etc.
Is this the case in real life?
Maybe because I identify more as a brat, but the appeal to me is earning my submission and serving someone I have deep feelings for, I feel like I’d find it difficult showing this trait towards multiple people I wasn’t involved with. I feel like calling someone Sir is part of the dynamic, not just a title.
Of course one would build connections in the community and want to treat people with kindness and respect, but I feel like these actions are taking it beyond that.
Thoughts? Am I just inexperienced with the lifestyle?
My situation is a little specific, but hopefully with the big wide internet someone can relate with input or help. My husband and I have been engaging in a polyamorous lifestyle for the past 6 years, but the guy I have been seeing for the past year has recently also become my Dom. My husband struggles with the idea of my submitting to him and giving up control to him. Does anybody know of any resources that will help him adjust? We are non-hierarchical so he has no say on how I engage in my other relationships, but I want to help him feel more comfortable with what is going on and continue to feel important and prioritized even though this other dynamic is so different from what we have together.
Inspired by my own experience, I was wondering if anyone had any insights on the psychology of loss of interest/arousal at previously enjoyed BDSM practices/kinks.
The TL;DR is that I was a very active kinky mind up until my early-mid twenties. When I hit mid twenties, my ability to experience immersion into a fantasy or a scene based around kinks I had previously established started to wane, and then fade to the point where I can't say I'm really that kinky anymore?
Why does that happen? How does that happen?
From being very confident in my sexuality, I'm now just sort of stumbling around, with no real relationship to it, and a low sex drive in general.
I feel like I'm disappointing my very lovely, very kinky partner. Like, I falsely advertised something he ended up not receiving. He's so kind about it and insists he loves me, not my potential to fulfill his kinks, but I still want to get to the bottom of why this happens. I don't *want* to be some kind of sexless celibate! Where did my inner kinky goddess go?! 😭
It’s incredible how sometimes I’ll be talking to a potential dom, and they immediately clock my psyche. They know exactly how my brain works. Fucking insane to me.
As someone who leans dom but switches sometimes, I’ve noticed that BDSM can feel less about pure sexual desire and more about nervous system relief, grounding, control, surrender, reassurance, or finally being able to shut my brain off for a while.
Sometimes after a stressful week, putting someone in restraints, controlling a scene, giving structure, praise, pain, or aftercare feels intensely calming and centering for me in a way normal relaxation doesn’t.
And when I switch, there are moments where surrendering control, being held down, guided, or cared for makes me feel safe, present, and emotionally quiet for the first time all day. But that’s also what makes it confusing, because sometimes it feels genuinely healthy and connective, and other times it feels like I’m using intensity, touch, or power exchange to escape loneliness, anxiety, emptiness, or emotional overload.
I’ve especially noticed after breakups or emotionally heavy periods that what I crave isn’t always sex itself, but containment, closeness, structure, attention, and the feeling of being deeply wanted or needed by someone. BDSM can provide that so powerfully that it almost feels medicinal at times. But where’s the line between healthy regulation and dependency?
Can BDSM be a healthy outlet for stress and emotional regulation when it’s done consciously with communication, balance, and aftercare, or does it become unhealthy when you start needing it just to feel emotionally stable or connected to yourself?
I’m curious how other doms, subs, or switches think about this balance because I rarely see people talk honestly about it.
I admit I come from strictly religious background so I'm also a little unaccustomed to... everything.
I want to know how do you feel about your sexuality. I kind of struggle with the idea of being domianant as a woman but more about that I like both sides equally. My discovery was pretty recent. I am generally more of the dominant person and like submissive and introverted people and my relationship and sexual encounters more or less looked like this so far but very much on vanilla side. I tried to introduce edging and successfully was able to impement it but it's not something that my partner seems to enjoy as much as I do.
I read both dominant and submissive subforums on reddit and couldn't really connect to either of them fully. How do you experience sex? Do you go into specific mood before the sexual encounter or you switch during as you see fit and depending how the other person acts towrds you? Maybe there discepency between me and my partner in the way we experience the encounter? He seems to enjoy both sides too but is really unsure about this. Also I'm just curious to talk to people who are like me and discuss how they feel about it and what their experience is.
The other aspect of it that interests me is purely psychological. Why do people are one way or another? What is the reason and why am I both? I found some info about personality traits being tied being sub/dom but nothing much.
I’ve been observing a lot of what’s being labeled as “femdom” or “findom” online lately, and I’m honestly confused. The constant L fingers and mimicking small penises in photos.. begging for tributes?? It feels so performative.. Almost desperate.
I thought the appeal of a Domme was Presence. Control. Restraint... But a lot of what I’m seeing looks like people trying to convince others that they have power instead of just… having it. It seems so forced now. Maybe I’m missing something. Idk.
Am I the only one who feels like we’re starting to lose the plot?
I have a complicated relationship with intimacy. I am pretty chill about enjoying bdsm and I know what I like, but it's very hard for me to express it to my partners. I have been mocked in the past and it's very difficult for me to overcome this fear.
Whenever I find a partner that I can communicate with easily, and who is compatible with me, I feel this devastating fear of undefined terrible consequences. I have just found a new partner who is really well attuned to my wishes, understand me perfectly and is the perfect match for me.
And yet when they leave (we do aftercare!) I feel like the universe will make something awful happen because I dare enjoy intimacy. So I keep obsessing about stuff that could go wrong.
I have a Catholic upbringing so I understand where part of this comes from.
How does one overcome this?
Yesterday I was wondering what to expect for a first proper session. The thing is, is that the session never happened.
We had talked about it before hand, and wanted to do it after my partner got off of work. He gets home and helps tie me up, but then I notice a few signs that he's really not into it, he keeps stopping, zoning off, and I noticed him crying at one point. I told him that if he didn't want to do it, I didnt either, and I was fine with stopping for the night, but instead he pushed himself to keep going because he thoughts thats what I wanted
Afterwards I was too tired and overstimulated to talk to him about it, but I had him agree to not push himself on my behalf, because if he's not enjoying it, I wont either. He wants to talk more about what happened after work tn
All that said, what I need help with isnt the talking with him, or comforting him, I can handle that
The issue I need help with is that this isnt the first time this has happened. We'll be building up a scene, I'll be all excited, and then he'll stop and be too overwhelmed. Its only really when he's dominant that he gets like this, because we've had sessions where I'm dominant and he loves it. I want to bring it up to him, but I also don't want to diminish how he's feeling
He doesnt struggle to top when it's normal sex, it's just when it's bdsm, or in a scenario where he wont be getting stimulation at the same time as I will
Any advice to bring it up to him
And maybe some beginner book or video advice so we can be more prepared emotionally and physically next time?
Hi. I have a rather unusual question for this thread.
I have a pretty strong ddlg kink. For the past six months, I've only written with one person from this community. I thought my boundaries were very well defined. However, recently he wrote me something that made me feel very bad (he was insulting me, still in a ddlg style, but it hurt me deeply in my heart).
I told him about it and he replied that "I should accept it since I'm submissive".
I feel like this shouldn't be happening, but she's the only person I know. So I created this Reddit account and I'm asking for your advice... After all, I am new to this community and I only know the opinion of my dom. Should I really agree to all this? What should I do about it? I'm afraid to tell him how much it hurts me.
The worst part is that I used the safe word and burst into tears like never before, but the person laughed and continued. I feel weird about it. On the one hand, I know I'm submissive, just like he says. I'm afraid of losing contact, eh, I don't want sex to ruin our friendship.
(forgive me if I don't write the best in English)
Hey guys I’m new using an alt account to make sure none of my mutuals find this. I have been having this issue recently… I found out some of my partners fantasies however they do not involve me (he has someone else in mind). He has not expressed these fantasies to me I just found out. He mentioned not wanting to do it with someone he is emotionally attached to but proceeds to say he is sexually attracted to her. I am not sure why he would want to share his fantasies with her or worse they do not involve me/ about me. I do not think he trusts me or is comfortable to confide in me with this but I am not sure why. I have not done anything to make him feel uncomfortable or unable to open up to me. He has but about other things. He says he loves me but I am not sure about that anymore.
Second thing is I recently mentioned a kink or fantasy of mine that I might be interested in and he immediately said what the fuck… which fucked me up. His fantasy that he has not shared with me is I wouldn’t say worse but heavily more out there more open minded etc.
Anyways any advice or other concerns I should look into or raise.
Is this clearly cheating or am I overthinking this… he also planned on actually pursuing it without me knowing it so I guess yea cheating.
Thanks
I am very new to everything bdsm.
I am a male and I really like the idea of having a female servant/ slave. I like the idea of her serving me in the home and using her for sex whenever I feel like it.
I want to have total controll over her and her submitting to me in everything. What she wears, where she goes etc. Kind of like a doll but obviusly alive.
I don't want to really hurt or damage her apart from light punishment if she gets out of line.
I guess this is just your normal master-slave kink? And if so, how do people find other people for their kinks? Like online or where?