r/BDSMAdvice

I’m 19F and I’ve only been exploring my submissive side for a couple of months. I know pretty clearly that I’m a sub and I’m craving real structure, guidance, and that safe-but-intense dynamic… but I’m hitting a wall.

Every single guy I match with or message online says he’s a “Dom” or “Daddy” in his bio, but 95 % of them are just horny dudes who:

think being a Dom = sending random “kneel” commands with zero conversation

have zero clue about aftercare, negotiation, safewords, or actually leading

ghost the second you ask basic questions like “what’s your experience level?”

I’m tired of wasting time on fakes. how to find real Dominant who knows what he’s doing and actually cares about my safety and growth as a newbie.

Hi! For context, me and this guy dated for around 8 months and he was into choking during sex. I was 19 at the time, he was 20. I was down to try it and ended up liking it. Anyway, one time, he choked me and my body started to feel really tingly and weird and then I "woke up" to him saying my name over and over and tapping my shoulder/back.

He didn't seem very concerned, and said he liked that I got "silly" when I woke up (very confused, disoriented). Because it felt good before I passed out and he didn't seem worried (and being uneducated and dumb) we went along with it. It became normal for this to happen, and I enjoyed it.

Point is, looking back I realize he was a little weird the way he went about things. He often wouldn't stop when I would tap his arm (my signal for him to stop, we discussed this beforehand), and I suggested we use safewords for other things and he got kinda mad and defensive and said if I trust him we won't need them.

I just wanna know if the choking will have any serious affects in the long run, now that I'm less stupid and know that depriving your brain of oxygen is obviously dangerous. Especially since we did this alot. Or if anyone has just any opinions in general, thanks

Hi! I'm a 23 year old woman in need of a bit of advice about d/s and free use. I will talk about a situation I went through and after I will ask a few questions. Thank you for taking your time and helping me! ☺️

I've been dating a guy for a while and we talked about our sexual interests.

We also have been sexually active with each other for a while.

I said he could have free use since everything was going well and we do talk good and openly (and it's a kink of mine). We talked about limits.

I was sick for two days and the day after that he came over at night (I asked him to so we could fall asleep together). He said he had a surprise for me. I told him as long as it isn't "his dick" because I could not do with such a lame joke and I had been sick so I wasn't in the mood to fuck all night.

He came over. I noticed he had drank a lot of alcohol (which he told me beforehand he'd only had a few so he could still drive). I asked him how much he had. Then he told me oh uuuh 8 beers, a few Bacardi Coke's and a few shots (so I wasn't happy with that because he had driven to me, otherwise I would've let him stay at his home)

He told me that he had taking a "sex pill" (I think some kind of Viagra). I was kinda confused, since I've told him that I wasn't in the mood for his dick (but okay free use I kinda get it?). And also he had way more to drink than 5 beers over the night. Then he started groping me hard. I stopped him and told him I needed more time tonight to warm up. Since I was fairly confused by the situation (which I had told him). He didn't really stop, I had to pull that man off me.

We got into bed and he didn't stop :/. I didn't feel a connection at all and felt sorry for inviting him. I told him he needed to stop and we went to sleep.

The next morning I woke up to the sound of him vomiting in my toilet. So I asked him if he'd had a hangover. He was in denial (later that day we came back to it and he told me he felt a lot better). When I asked him about last night he didn't respond (pretended to be asleep, mumbled a little). I had asked a few times.

Well you could imagine that I was done with it. (And you should know I'm a soft person so I'm a type of kill em with kindness). I made us breakfast since he was having his hangover. And then send him home .

*My questions being*

1. Free use is still with a "vibe check" right? Like if somebody says no it's no (it's not like cnc?).

2. Is it okay for someone to take a sex pill without checking in with somebody after you knew somebody was not feeling well for a few days? (Or should you check in with your sub?)

3. How to prevent this from happening?

And yes I have told him after we shouldn't see each other anymore.

i have recently acquired a prospect femsub who is trans. she is veryyy new to all things bdsm… not just femdom. i’m trying to find relevant articles and readings about wlw d/s relationships that have the same aspects of all the FLR articles and male sub ideas.

i’ve sent her two articles on “how to start out as a sub” and “exploring bdsm basics”. i’m looking for articles about femdom that do not have the word “male” or anything that eludes to malesubs. when i search wlw dommes or any other variant of that im not getting much. i feel like flr really encapsulates what im looking for without overly listing every single thing im looking for.

any resources for her? she’s dipping her foot into masochism and starting a d/s dynamics.

Hello, I (23M) met a domme (23F) a few months ago with the expectation of just being friends and play partners, as at the time I was 99% certain I only liked men (we are both also asexual). Well, I started to develop feelings for her. I started to feel all the things I used to feel when I fell for someone. Seeing her made me really happy, I would be excited when I saw a message from her, and disappointed when I didn’t. She just made my day a little better.

I was able to gather up the courage to tell her how I felt, and she said she also had some non-platonic feelings for me as well, and things just kind of continued. We typically see each other once every other week as we both have busy schedules, but we message each other every day.

Before we started seeing each other, she had informed me that she has another sub (F30s) and they have been playing for a few years. They are long distance, but visit at least once a year for a few days. Her other sub is married and in an open relationship. She told me that they are not a couple, and are instead friends who like to blur the lines between platonic and romantic. Once, I asked if she saw herself dating her other sub if they didn’t live so far away, and she said probably not, because they are in different life stages and due to the age gap. Initially, I didn’t really mind, because my original intent was not to fall for her.

Now, her other sub is visiting for a few days and I’ve realized that I’m feeling jealous. I thought I wouldn’t mind or care, but the reality of it is hitting me much harder than I thought. I feel bad that I feel this way because they’ve had a dynamic for years while it’s only been a few months for me. I already feel like I’m asking for too much attention from her, but part of me feels really jealous that she can spend days with her other sub, giving her undivided attention, while I’m lucky to get maybe 3 hours in. And even then, sometimes I will see her checking her phone (not constantly, but just enough to where I notice I guess), and it kind of makes me sad.

I feel like a terrible person, like what I’m feeling is crazy, or obsession, or limerence, and it makes me feel like I don’t deserve someone like her.

I don’t want to seem like I’m being clingy, and I don’t want to feel like I deserve more because our dynamic is still relatively new. I’m so paranoid that I’m going to scare her off with my clinginess and my own insecurities, and now my jealousy, especially since it’s only been like 2 months.

I don't want to say any of this to her right now and ruin her mood while she is with her other sub, and our first "official" date is supposed to be next week...but I don't know if I have the courage to say these things. I've currently just been trying to distract myself as much as possible so I don't think about her and get sad...what do I do?

I (male dom ) and my girlfriend (female sub) are new to this. I don’t know if i can still be a dom even if she’s one riding me/ being on top of me.

Help as we’re new to this. How can we retain our roles of sub and dom while it feels like roles have been reversed.

TLDR: How do I convince my Dom to explore D/s more actively in our online dynamic? Tasks, orgasm denial, outfit control, scenes, etc.

Hi all, I [23F] was wondering how to ask the man I'm currently talking to [42M] about exploring D/s more. For reference, we met on the bdsmpersonals subreddit and have a strictly online dynamic. However, our "dynamic" is practically nonexistent. He's very sweet and courteous, always establishes and asks for consent. We've been talking for a few months, I'm less experienced with bdsm but not a total newbie.

He said he's been in the lifestyle for years, but every time I ask to explore D/s more, I get answers like "It's more difficult online, but it's possible" without any action to discuss mutually establishing a D/s dynamic. He describes himself as "a soft dom who enjoys rough sex and impact play [who] wants to treat [his] partner well as a person, but as [his] personal fuckdoll behind closed doors."

Other than talking about our lives (sfw), we sext, usually about standard things we think are hot. Sometimes we veer into things like "You'd make such an amazing little sub" and general descriptions of impact play, being his fuckdoll, but that kind of talking ends when we're not sexting. Outside of sexting, I call him Sir and Daddy sometimes and he noted how much he enjoys me using it because he knows how it makes me feel small and safe, and "[he] enjoys providing that." It's not a label I reserve for nsfw time.

I don't like being a needy person and what we have now is nice, but not exactly what I expected given his past experience with "bondage, power exchange, cnc, etc".

TLDR: How do I convince my Dom to explode D/s more actively in our online dynamic? Tasks, orgasm denial, outfit control, scenes, etc.

Sorry for the stupid question. I’m autistic and would really appreciate specific answers because this is something that always confuses me. Due to past experiences I have trouble distinguishing certain feelings (like fear and anticipation, for example) which is why I think bdsm appeals to me because it’s got a very clear set of rules and way out. The thing I can not understand is the difference between dissociation and subspace?

I have read experiences to try and answer this myself and lots of people say it’s like floating or detaching, but that sounds a lot like dissociation. Other people describe it as a sort of runner’s high, but from experience I wouldn’t feel detached from my body or floating after exercise?

I know I can enjoy sex without experiencing subspace, I know that I am already happy with what I do. I like feeling safe above all else. But I would like to experiment and learn so I’d appreciate answers that aren’t like metaphors please, or are just very literal definitions? Also if there is anywhere to read up I’d appreciate that too

I (30F) recently got out of a long term relationship (11 years). Nothing bad happened we just ended up as friends and ended amicably. We also weren’t very sexually compatible. I like being submissive and so did he. Being dominant was unnatural for both of us, though we both craved it.

I’m over the relationship. But I also haven’t dated at all since I was 19. Now I’m interested in dating but specifically looking for a d/s dynamic. I just started going to munches and meeting people in the community. I plan on continuing to do that. However I’m not really romantically interested in anyone I’ve met. So I’m looking on Feeld for potential play partners. I’ve tried to research a bunch and I’m doing my best to vet doms and be smart about it in general (no sex the first time we meet, public place, tell people where I’m going, what does domming mean to you, etc.). I’m basically hoping to find someone I can trust who has more experience to explore this space with and figure out what I actually like irl vs. fantasy.

My question is: considering I literally haven’t dated since I was a teenager or fucked anyone else besides my ex, do you recommend trying to regular date and hook up with people first before exploring kink specifically?

I’m really not looking to jump into another monogamous relationship. But I am looking to establish a longer term dynamic with someone. Curious what your thoughts are.

Throwaway account. I’m strongly considering booking a session with a professional dominatrix who specialises in judicial caning. It would only occur at the end of our scene as a punishment, but I have not experienced that level of pain before and have combined excitement/fear. Once agreed between us the sentence is final (within the realms of safety), so it would be non-negotiable after I’m secured to the bench.

Likely I would agree to a low number of judicial strokes (six). How bad is that going to be? Anyone with experience who can describe how it feels and how you coped? Thank you

This is a throwaway account, but I won't delete the post or the account.. I have this fantasy involving my partner—while she is sober—giving me consent to have sex with her while she is drunk. Importantly, this is only with her prior consent; otherwise, I can't even get it up. I think this counts as CNC—am I sick?

Hey everyone,

I’m a Dom looking for a sub, and I’m honestly curious:

Besides places like FetLife and BDSM personals here on Reddit, where have you actually found your Dom/sub connections?

I’ve been having a surprisingly hard time finding someone local. Most of the messages I get are from people hours away, and I’ve tried long-distance before—it’s just not for me.

That said, I’m open to online connections if there’s real chemistry and effort behind it.

Dating apps haven’t been much better either… pretty dry overall.

It’s frustrating trying to find someone who actually wants to build something, take their time, and put in real effort—rather than just coming in way too intense right off the bat.

Would love to hear where people have had success, or any advice you’d give.

Appreciate it.

I accidentally became intrigued (turned obsessed) by bdsm a few weeks ago when I watched, Dogs Don’t Wear Pants (2019). I’ve seen quite a few bdsm movies and tv shows but for some reason that one really spoke to me. I have thought about bdsm scenarios a lot throughout my entire life but I didn’t know it was bdsm until I was older. I realized I want to try it out for myself though. I’m not quite sure what I’m into yet. I mostly just want to know a good place to start? I’m 27 and I’m about to move to a new state. I’m more liberated and comfortable sexually than I’ve been in my entire life. I want to seek out a community where I can explore some of the feelings and desires I’ve been craving. If you have any advice or suggestions on how to find people or bdsm spaces? I’m not even really sure what to call them. I’m very new to this.

TLDR: Can I have some pointers of how to get into the BDSM community or like find groups or friends in my area. I’m so inexperienced I grew up super religious so pls be kind to me thank you <3

Before I start, I'll say I'm sorry for posting what probably involves some pretty bog standard issues but I'm new to BDSM and would really appreciate some advice.

I (25) have seen a dom (31) for a couple of times (4/5); this is the first time being a sub for me and he has been encouraging me to push my limits, which I am generally comfortable about. However, there's a couple of things that really rub me the wrong way. The first one is that he will sometimes push the limits of what type of pain I'm comfortable with. Nothing too bad ever happened (or at least before today) but I think he should take it seriously when I say that something really hurts and try to push his hand away if we haven't agreed to do otherwise earlier. The second, and related one, is as follows. We have texted a fair bit since meeting and exchanged a lot of fantasies. During one of our chats I said we should find a safe word and he agreed in the moment, but didn't take me up on it or return to the topic after. Which strikes me as a bit odd given that we have discussed doing a lot of stuff, some of which a safe word would be essential for. And the third is that during our last meeting, he crossed one of my hard boundaries which I have expressly set out to him on three different occasions and he tried to get me to reconsider previously. He did apologise and said it was an accident, but given the overall picture I'm slightly hesitant to believe him, particularly given that he said this was something he would like to do previously. On the day he also kept trying to convince me it wasn't that bad and that I liked it because I like pain generally. He only seriously apologised after I texted him today saying I'm confused about the situation and don't know if that was an accident or not but I was still in pain and the thing should be off limits for the future.

I suppose the only thing I'm wondering about is whether this guy is just a jerk and seriously negligent with other's safety/comfort, or if this sounds like amateur hour and he just doesn't know what he's doing, or if it seems like he is taking advantage of my lack of experience, or both. Any thoughts? And am I right to consider breaking this relationship off? Overall he seems like an okay guy, and has been quite courteous/respectful when dealing with him generally so the only thing I'm really wondering about is whether this can be excused by being an amateur or if I should not be giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Thank you for any thoughts!

I am super new to bdsm. I'm learning about different terms and kinks, as well as experimenting with solo bondage atm. While I am still early in my discovery, I would like to experience a power dynamic with someone virtually. Where can I go to actually find someone to play with and learn from? Is it ridiculous of me to want to find something good online?

Hi r/BDSMAdvice,

I’m a straight Dominant man with cerebral palsy, and I’ve been thinking about posting this for a while. I use a wheelchair for longer distances, but I live independently, work, travel, and lead a full, capable life—including in the bedroom and in D/s dynamics.

I’ve been interested in BDSM for a few years and have a clear sense of what I bring as a Dom: structure, care, creativity, and strong mental presence. But navigating kink and dating as a disabled Dom isn’t always straightforward. There’s still a lot of stigma, awkward assumptions, or worse people ghosting or fetishizing me the moment disability is mentioned.

So I’m here asking honestly:

•	Would you consider submitting to a disabled Dom?

•	Have you been in a D/s dynamic where one partner had a disability? What made it work—or not?

•	How can I screen for subs who actually see the Dominant, not just the wheelchair?

•	Are there communities or spaces you’d recommend that are more inclusive?

A bit about my D/s style and kinks:

✔ Power Exchange – structure, rituals, and authority

✔ Bondage & Restraint – shibari, cuffs, sensory play

✔ Discipline & Protocols – tasks, rules, and rewards

✔ Teasing & Orgasm Control – edging, denial, ownership

✔ Mental Domination – degradation with praise, breath play, impact play

✔ Exploration – I’m open to fantasy, growth, and trying new things

I’m not here for pity. I’m not an inspiration. I’m just a Dom looking to build something real—with someone who understands that dominance isn’t about walking tall, it’s about presence, intention, and control.

If you’ve had experience with this—or even just have thoughts—I’d love to hear your perspective.

We’ve been married 6 years and together 8. We have two kids and I’m pregnant with our 3rd. I’m a stay at home mom. Our sexual dynamic has always been sort of BDSM-adjacent. I take a more submissive role and he’s more dominant. We’ve messed around with orgasm control, bondage, free use, he calls me a good girl during sex, and other little kinky things.

He has always been really bad at communication and emotional vulnerability, it is one of the main sore spots in our marriage. There are A LOT of things I would be more than happy to explore with him sexually if he had just spoken to me about it first, but a lot of the time he doesn’t. This isn’t the first time he’s filmed me without permission. Both times he basically pulled out his phone and started recording while I was faced away (doggy/cowgirl) and then when I saw what he was doing he tried to drop his phone fast enough hoping I wouldn’t see. First time it happened I felt really violated but I made it clear I wasn’t okay with what he did, second time felt like a much bigger betrayal because he did it fully knowing I would not be okay with it. Now I’m wondering how many times he’s done this without me knowing at all.

We have had a lot of other issues in our marriage that are unrelated to sex, but this felt horrible. He’s been extremely apologetic and he’s promising he will go to therapy alone and couples therapy with me, he seems to fully grasp this time that he’s actually kind of a shitty husband despite being a good father and good provider. We’ve had a lot of talks and I can tell he’s trying to take initiative to be more communicative and considerate. He’s saying all the right things and giving me appropriate amount of space. He seems genuinely remorseful and has said things like “this has been very surreal, I feel like I’m actually seeing you for the first time, all your pain and all the things you’ve needed from me and all the times I’ve fucked up and I’m so sorry it’s taken this long for me to see how terrible I’ve been.” He’s finally saying and doing all the things I’ve been praying for…but something about this really broke me, I just don’t see him the same way anymore and my trust in him is so shattered.

I can’t stop fantasizing about being with someone who is an actually good Dom. Someone who leads and takes control with the utmost consideration for my needs and my feelings, so that I can just melt into submission and serve his desires from a place of love and security. A dom who cares about checking in on me and having talks about boundaries and safe words and provides copious aftercare. Someone who makes me feel completely safe and who would never dream of betraying me. I want to be able to be vulnerable and seen and cared for, I think everyone wants that in a relationship. It’s all I’ve ever wanted from him but he’s always been so shut off and cold and I convinced myself I was expecting too much. This incident has been extremely eye opening. I’m finally seeing how many times he’s been flat out cruel to me and it really feels like my whole world is crumbling.

I really don’t want to get a divorce but I will if I have to. Any semblance of a career that I had before becoming a stay at home mom is completely fucked. I was a bartender and Its literally the only profession I’ve ever held, but now that I’m a mom it would be impossible to go back to bartending because who would watch the kids while I work? Day cares/schools close in the afternoon right when bartending shifts start. I have no idea how I would support myself and I have absolutely no one to fall back on, no family or anything. I would probably have to give my husband majority custody at least until I found a career more suitable to raising kids. I feel genuinely trapped.

I guess what I’m looking for is hope. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who actually changed and became the dom you wanted them to be? Or have you as a dom/domme ever had a coming to jesus moment where you realized you needed to make some major changes in how you treat your partner?

Ok so first off, I have a lot of things on my mind so sorry if this comes off as all over the place and is very long. I’m also using a throwaway account (obviously) but I promise I’m a real person who needs genuine advice 😭 ok so context: I (F27) have been with my boyfriend (M31) for 8 years. Within that time, we have had a mix of great sex as well as periods of low libido (dry spells usually only lasting around 2 months at most). However, within even the best of times, we have never been able to tap into the power dynamic that I crave (I am submissive, he is “dominant-leaning”, but it doesn’t come naturally to him) and sex always requires a long process of trying to get me turned on even to take his dick without it being painful (he is very large).

I have communicated this to him both casually and explicitly throughout the years. However, he never seems to be able to embody what I need, and it has effected my sexual comfort, libido, and mental state. I am someone who if I’m not turned on, not only is it extremely painful to have sex, but also I CANNOT get into handjobs or blowjobs at all, and I have sensory issues which makes these things extremely uncomfortable even under perfect circumstances. I hate the feeling and taste of cum, I hate the repetitive and boring motion of handjobs, I hate the fact THAT I hate it, and I hate the fact that he asks for them constantly but then also hates them because I’m terrible at getting into them. I love my boyfriend, I’m extremely attracted to him, and he’s an amazingly outgoing and caring man who goes above and beyond for me, but that just doesn’t translate to me giving him pleasure. I’ve never been able to be the “giver” in the bedroom as it makes my brain feel like it’s getting scrambled. However when I’m TOLD and guided through things as a submissive and given praise I have a MUCH easier time. I feel terrible because I’m honestly selfish and I can’t help when my body is physically repulsed or in pain by sex or the act of giving oral or handjobs, (I also have TMJ that flares up) , and I just don’t know what to do.

This also overflows into our penetrative sex because the lack of power dynamic really has a negative effect on my mental state, leading me to be overstimulated (bothered by temperature, textures, sounds, lighting, etc), and will cause me to not be turned on enough, which results in extreme pain, and essentially vaginismus and tearing. I just feel like I’m not being held and guided in the way that I need to be during sex (I’ve had other sexual encounters that have been with men who dominance came naturally to and I was much more turned on and felt like I could “turn off” my brain). It has become such a persistent problem that has made both him and I associate sex with so much discomfort and pain, and it’s just making matters worse. I guess im looking for a couple of different aspects of advice : 1, any people who have sensory issues and hate oral or handjobs, what advice do you have to possibly manage that problem; and 2: people who have been with a partner who wasn’t completely meeting your BDSM needs, even AFTER having deep conversations and incorporating toys, rope, blindfolds, collars, etc, did it cause (not fun) physical pain during sex and what did you do ? Thanks so much to anyone who read this whole lengthy paragraph and I appreciate any advice you can give.

Hi!

I’m going to my first ever play party and it’s Asia themed. So both anime and traditional inspired outfits are said to be okay, but I worry that what I have planned will be too vanilla? or maybe not BDSM enough? One idea is to wear what on Amazon is described as SINGUYUN Women's Sexy Anime Cosplay Chinese Lingerie Cheongsam Dress High Split Bodycon Nightgown Qipao Babydoll Outfit. And the other is to wear a black mini dress Qipao style from Stradivarius. Both In thinking of styling with garter stockings and black hills as well as In planning in putting my hair in a bun with chopstick in it. I’d appreciate any advice.

Thanks!

Which Etsy leather/kink shops would people recommend being decent for leather clothing in particular but also gear or decent rope. I have a limited budget and want to make sure it's good quality that will last.

Preferably located in the Uk. Thank you!