Struggles with oral, libido, lack of power dynamic, and general sensory issues
Ok so first off, I have a lot of things on my mind so sorry if this comes off as all over the place and is very long. I’m also using a throwaway account (obviously) but I promise I’m a real person who needs genuine advice 😭 ok so context: I (F27) have been with my boyfriend (M31) for 8 years. Within that time, we have had a mix of great sex as well as periods of low libido (dry spells usually only lasting around 2 months at most). However, within even the best of times, we have never been able to tap into the power dynamic that I crave (I am submissive, he is “dominant-leaning”, but it doesn’t come naturally to him) and sex always requires a long process of trying to get me turned on even to take his dick without it being painful (he is very large).
I have communicated this to him both casually and explicitly throughout the years. However, he never seems to be able to embody what I need, and it has effected my sexual comfort, libido, and mental state. I am someone who if I’m not turned on, not only is it extremely painful to have sex, but also I CANNOT get into handjobs or blowjobs at all, and I have sensory issues which makes these things extremely uncomfortable even under perfect circumstances. I hate the feeling and taste of cum, I hate the repetitive and boring motion of handjobs, I hate the fact THAT I hate it, and I hate the fact that he asks for them constantly but then also hates them because I’m terrible at getting into them. I love my boyfriend, I’m extremely attracted to him, and he’s an amazingly outgoing and caring man who goes above and beyond for me, but that just doesn’t translate to me giving him pleasure. I’ve never been able to be the “giver” in the bedroom as it makes my brain feel like it’s getting scrambled. However when I’m TOLD and guided through things as a submissive and given praise I have a MUCH easier time. I feel terrible because I’m honestly selfish and I can’t help when my body is physically repulsed or in pain by sex or the act of giving oral or handjobs, (I also have TMJ that flares up) , and I just don’t know what to do.
This also overflows into our penetrative sex because the lack of power dynamic really has a negative effect on my mental state, leading me to be overstimulated (bothered by temperature, textures, sounds, lighting, etc), and will cause me to not be turned on enough, which results in extreme pain, and essentially vaginismus and tearing. I just feel like I’m not being held and guided in the way that I need to be during sex (I’ve had other sexual encounters that have been with men who dominance came naturally to and I was much more turned on and felt like I could “turn off” my brain). It has become such a persistent problem that has made both him and I associate sex with so much discomfort and pain, and it’s just making matters worse. I guess im looking for a couple of different aspects of advice : 1, any people who have sensory issues and hate oral or handjobs, what advice do you have to possibly manage that problem; and 2: people who have been with a partner who wasn’t completely meeting your BDSM needs, even AFTER having deep conversations and incorporating toys, rope, blindfolds, collars, etc, did it cause (not fun) physical pain during sex and what did you do ? Thanks so much to anyone who read this whole lengthy paragraph and I appreciate any advice you can give.