r/AvoidantAttachment

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules:

• AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

I'm currently seeing 2 women who I feel both are great and that I feel like have potential to become something serious - which is what I'm looking for.

My problem is that I feel naturally attracted to person 1 (w33), who has said of herself that she is avoidant and has never had a long-term relationship and where I see more compatibility issues (morning person vs. evening person, different lifestyles). I feel I adore her, even for fairly ordinary things (e.g. her overcoming the fear of driving a car which is something I'm kind of struggling with). I appreciate her being vulnerable around me, and feel comfortable also sharing my challenges. Her vulnerability also triggers some sort of protector instinct in me (I can fix her :D). I told her on our third date that I feel strangely/naturally attracted to her to which she didn't really react and generally said she needs time, which is kind of fair enough, but I would expect some attraction to be a basic requirement for a relationship. Which brings me to person 2 (w33)..

I've now had 5 dates with her and on paper we are compatible on many levels, more than with person 1. We are on the same wavelength on humour and I also feel comfortable around her, although our conversations have not gone to as much depth in terms of vulnerabilities. However, once I'm alone I start ruminating that I don't feel as attracted to her as person 1, although she promises to be a better partner on paper (secure attachment, more similar lifestyles). For example I don't feel admiration for her being able to drive a car, because to her it's never been a challenge but just a normal thing. I guess I haven't seen her vulnerable side. I do definitely feel lust for her, but am not as clear with my romantic feelings for her.

So I'm really struggling to differentiate whether I'm genuinely attracted to person 1 or whether it's my avoidance patterns activating and being attracted to the person with a lower probability of a successful long-term relationship, so as to avoid intimacy in the long term and that I feel less attracted to the person who promises a safe and healthy relationship due to my avoidance. Also I'm afraid to get serious with person 2 just to find out 1-2 months down the line that that initial lack of attraction never gets better and kills me inside until I have to end things - a pattern that I have been repeating too many times now.

In any case I feel inclined to go with my gut feel and choose person 1.. At the same time I'm afraid of walking into the avoidant pattern trap!

Sometimes I think that neither of them might be the right one and I should look around again.. Or just stay single for a while until I can navigate these things without getting overwhelmed.

Just wanted to write these thoughts down and would appreciate any outside perspective!

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship with a person, and whenever we have in-person time, my emotions become less intense, and I detach a bit. When we're apart, i long for him and cherish every little message or picture i get from him.

Does anyone else experience this? My plan IS to have a long-term partnership and to eventually share a life together, but how can I when I lose interest whenever we see each other?.... We've been together for a year, and see each other every few months.

I commented a few days ago somewhere that I'd started therapy and medication. I have since improved by leaps and bounds. However, (is this the avoidant perfectionism kicking in?) it's ... not exactly what I hoped for, at least not yet.

See, I have a feeling that my therapist isn't AT informed. I mentioned being a fearful avoidant a few times and she didn't say anything on it. I'm not going to be surprised if she regards it as a lightweight theory, as education in this corner of the world tends to be hilariously outdated and traditional (heck, people still think mental health issues can be prayed away and still openly bash avoidants). I'm not going to be surprised, but I will be hurt because looking into AT is what started me on my healing journey.

We're currently focusing on my struggles with PMDD. I greatly appreciate that I can spot patterns and have healthy guesses to what my hormones are up to on a given day, but there's a part of me that's whining to move on to the attachment issues and the generational trauma and the dissection of childhood shenanigans that made me clam up and dislike people.

Doesn't help that due to budget constraints, we only talk once a month. Maybe (omg ew is this my anxious side coming out? lol) I'm being impatient. We've only met four times so far.

Can I switch therapists? I doubt. Again, it's only been four sessions, so it feels too early to give up and shift. But I don't really see mental health professionals here putting AT as a specialization of theirs, either. And the one doc that I know does specialize in AT? She's probably being swamped because someone recommended her on a thread somewhere. Sighhhh.

Can I at least vent to friends? I don't want to dump on my SO, my soul sister has depression, my mentor figures are busy, my AP friend and my family are out of the question, and most of my other friends ... nah. I mean, my SO has said that it's okay for me to tell him things, and I've bookmarked and re-re-rewatched Heidi Priebe's video on "how to not emotionally dump," but it just feels un-okay in my bones. (I may look into this hmmm)

I could journal, yeah ... I'm just not so consistent about it because I really run out of energy at times. Or I'm too busy numbing myself doomscrolling trolololol

And so ... it pains me to admit to AI usage, but I've been firing prompts at Gemini as a supplement. I have heard of those cases of people jumping off the deep end because of overusing AI, and I do know that AI isn't exactly environmentally-friendly, and aaaaargh. :(

I wondered how that feels, cause like i can sext someone n not be triggered right cause they r not next to me, they r not touching my body so sexting its like nothing really, but when they reply with “i wonder how you would look like when u do that” its so SJSJSJJSK to me, cause like i cant understand how someone can feel so much pleasure n stay so much in a very intimate moment? bcs i personally would feel like running 😭😭 For people that are on their healing journey from being DA, do u still feel like running from the intimacy in a romantic relationship or did u learn to stay in that and also enjoy it? when it will get better fr? ☹️

I am currently dating a guy and we have gotten intimate with each other and it’s really my first time I have experienced such intimacy like this. He is the sweetest guy you could ask for and most caring, but I don’t feel anything internally. I was crying because he was leaving for his transfer college miles away and I’m conflicted because how can I feel nothing while still thinking about him and then crying for him. He respects me and I talk to him about everything regarding my feelings. I’ve told him I liked him, but I don’t know what I want. I think I’m confused because what is love supposed to feel like? I’ve had severe depression since childhood and it’s better now, but I wonder if that is what numbed my feelings. I am scared to engage in intimacy. I don’t know, it just really makes me hate myself. My family is not loving and is emotionally distant so I wonder if that is what contributes to it. I’m hoping to go further with him hoping to see if I evolve along the way.

I made another mistake at work accidentally leaving early again. I noticed I was more concerned with disappointing my leads than losing hours.

But then I really sat and thought about it for the last 3 weeks they've repeatedly shown genuine concern about me as a person. Asking me if I'm okay, asking me if I'm feeling discouraged because of feedback, telling me other options for departments so I can get full time

I'm still feeling hard on myself about today but I really been focusing on how positively I'm treated and spoken about here. Even behind my back I found out leads expressing genuine affection for me and it caused me to cry

I also remember freezing when I saw my supervisor giving my coworkers a hug but she seemed empathic about me not wanting one. It's like I'm not used to being treated like... A person

I also noticed all of this made me realize I'm used to functioning while exhausted. Not eating, not sleeping, being broke, smiling when I feel like shit, worrying about people's feelings and perception of me over my own physical needs. Safety and positive reinforcement makes me feel weak and exposed

I know I'm regarded as a daughter figure to people here so I dislike being underestimated, seen as less capable than others, being underestimated etc. I want to be seen as strong and capable like my family but I'm realizing this isnt even healthy

I grew up with emotions being punished, rest being punished (yes my grandma would angrily wake me up for taking a nap), mistakes being punished, everyone suffering silently, pushing through and working very hard just to get by despite burnout. I even realized I've picked up my mom's caffeine addiction

Still feeling pretty bleh about things. I don't even really care about losing hours right now I just don't want my reputation of being punctual and reliable being effected 🥲. I'd love to hear you guy's experiences and findings on this topic in the replies, how does safety, positivity, and vulnerability effect you?

I was in a 1.5 year relationship with someone with ADHD and OCD and an anxious attachment style.
(A match made in heaven). I remember many times in our relationship where she would bail on plans and I would just be sitting there damn near heartbroken and this kind of caused me to mentally check out at the end. (Not to overshadow the fact that I didn’t help with my avoidant traits) I really wanted to know that they would be there for me (ride or die type mentality) but we I simply never got there with them.

I’ve had problems with intimacy as a man as I think due to traumatic experiences with an older sibling (Not SA but more just making me uncomfortable as a child relating to sexual things and then some suicide/self harm related events I watched them experience)

I place trust as the one of the most important things in a partner.

That brings me to the question: what type of partner did you find that helped you with trust and what else did you do to be a better partner

This breakup definitely broke me and me self aware of my own emotions, which I feel is a good thing (I’ve never been down so bad that I actually just had to bed rot and think for weeks straight) but I still know I should have communicated better.

Hello. Just broke up with my bf of 4 months and I'm experiencing a whirl of emotions. Just as a heads up, English is not my first language so I apologise for any confusing language.

We had a good relationship, our communication worked for the most part, we had similar interests and he was/is such an understanding and kind person. The most difficult part of our relationship was sex - or more like lack of it. I am also not sure if I was ever attracted enough to him or if my past trauma just blocked that attraction and manifested as avoidance.

I have past sexual trauma where my boundaries were crossed in my first relationship, and in childhood my father acted violent towards me a couple of times. He didn't hit me, but he held me against the wall, screamed and was close to hitting me. All of this has lead where I am today - I have very hard time practicing intimacy, let alone have sex. I typically get nausea, freeze and panic when someone gets too close. I'd rather just avoid that all because it feels so daunting.

I told my ex all of this and he was very understanding. We started with small steps, and I really feel like I have grown more comfortable doing these things. Last month we started talking more about sex and how we could proceed to it, and I completely deactivated. I tried so hard - I talked about my trauma, shared difficult emotions but it also drained me to the point I experienced feeling disgust towards my boyfriend and just lost all of my previous interest. Before this, I also questioned if maybe I'm just not attracted enough. I never experienced intense crush or infatuation towards him. I like him very much and he feels safe, but I don't really lust after him. These feelings only amplified when I deactivated, thus leading to break up. He was ready to work on these issues, but I just completely shut down emotionally.

Now I'm thinking if this was just the case of lack of attraction, or was I just in the state of deactivitation. Because right now I REALLY miss him, but being with him felt draining and also meant I had to work on my trauma, which just feels too difficult right now. I am kind of holding onto the hope I meet someone that I truly could fall head over heels with and maybe then deactivitation would't hit so hard? Or am I just repeating the same cycle and just threw something very special away? Am i just completely delusional?

If anyone here has had similiar experiences, what tools do you have to differentiate between genuine lack of interest and avoidance stemming from trauma? Because now it all feels like a massive shitshow where I'm hopping between "I just wasn't interested enough" and "I just deactivitated and didn't know how to deal with it".

i recently broke up with my bf of 2 years. it was a very healthy relationship and healthy breakup, we’re on good terms, but in the last few months i found myself getting constantly irritated and not wanting to spend time together. if he complimented me, asked to hangout regularly, or showed interest in something new about me, i’d tell myself he didn’t mean it or it was forced and i would get irritated and pull away. found out he would be living closer to me in the summer for a job and got very overwhelmed and annoyed, like he was attaching his life and goals to mine.

it got to a point where i didn’t feel loved (my reason for breaking up with him), because every time he was affectionate i felt irritated, i was analyzing the small things about him, and i also started questioning whether i was holding myself back and if i would be happier with someone else (called deactivating i think). did therapy for a bit and was introduced to attachment styles, and i realized dismissive attachment for me was behind a lot of this, and a pattern in a lot of my relationships/friendships.

i feel relieved now that i’m single after 2 years, my schedule isn’t tied to another person and i have no obligation to text someone back.

however, i’ve been thinking a lot of asking to get back together and try again, as i did love the relationship before and don’t want to feel like i’m throwing someone good away because of my doubts and need for independence. but i keep talking myself out of it, i’m worried about what if i continue to be irritated and think about being with other people? what if i can’t be happy with him?

how do people navigate being in relationships as avoidant? now that i’m aware of it, i wish i could change if it’s possible to even do. would love to hear insight from anyone else who has struggled with something similar.

Hi all,

In short I'm (F21) in my first relationship. We've been together a few months- she (F20) is an absolute sweetheart who adores me, is beautiful, and is receptive to my interests and spoils me with gifts. I do a lot of the same for her. But I'm finding it hard to perform the 'relationship' side of things. I've always been generally uninterested in relationships until i met her, and interested in sex only in a curiosity way rather than in a legitimate attraction way.

As much as I genuinely like her and think she's wonderful, I feel myself getting avoidant often to the point that I'm wondering if I'm truly interested in or capable of forming romantic relationships. I feel hot and cold, and generally feel daunted by the prospect of hanging out with her. I dislike texting in general, but I feel pressured to text every day and respond even though I value my space, and sometimes find myself eye-rolling at some overly romantic things she sends to me. It's a shame because while we're together we have a very good time and get along well, but I'm somewhat afraid of being alone with her in case she tries to take things further which freaks me out honestly. I keep thinking of excuses to leave dates and hangouts early.

Part of the problem comes with the fact that I'm a virgin and haven't had a lot of interest in having sex before. I was honestly really open to the idea of sleeping with my girlfriend when the time was right, but there was a slight debacle wherein at a birthday party when she met my friends she was speaking about me very sexually to them (gf does not know my friends very well) and complaining that I wasn't having sex with her- even though she'd never once voiced these complaints to me. I was very upset by this, and even though there was a lot of alcohol involved in this incident it really freaked me out and I felt all the desire to have sex with her basically vanish due to how pressured I felt. The real issue here is that it's been two months since this incident and I haven't felt that desire come back.

Is this something that other DA's have been through before, or does this seem like the type of thing to unpack separately? I enjoy lurking on this sub and really resonate with a lot of things said on here, and I know I'm generally very avoidant in my relationships, friendships included. But I've felt a bit left out in terms of discussions about sex, since a lot of Avoidants from what I've seen experience a lot of satisfaction from casual hookups due to their avoidance of commitment. But I don't feel that way, I'm quite uninterested in sex aside from being curious about it, I'm just unsure how to unpack all of this since to some extent this complete disinterest in sleeping with my gf came partly because my avoidant tendencies were triggered in the incident I mentioned before.

It's really weighing on me because even though we've only been together a few months I've been considering ending it because of this weight I'm feeling it puts on my shoulders and just the general feeling that being in a relationship is pressuring me to act in ways that isn't natural to me. Honestly I thought this wouldn't last all that long since I'm graduating college soon and my gf will still be there for one more year and I plan to move to a new country to start fresh but I honestly don't think I'd find anyone better suited to me again, and I'm scared I'll realise that relationships actually are for me and I'll regret losing her.

Right now I'm honestly feeling like I wouldn't even care about romantic relationships if society didn't impose that expectation onto absolutely everyone, and I wasn't kind of afraid of ending up alone while my friends all find significant others. I feel satisfied with my friendships and generally uncomfortable with the idea of being expected to act in romantic ways.

Ultimately I'd just love to hear from other avoidants if this is an experience or feeling anyone resonates with. Feel free to share your general thoughts here as well! Bonus points for any aro/ace avoidants who would like to chip in.