Hello. Just broke up with my bf of 4 months and I'm experiencing a whirl of emotions. Just as a heads up, English is not my first language so I apologise for any confusing language.
We had a good relationship, our communication worked for the most part, we had similar interests and he was/is such an understanding and kind person. The most difficult part of our relationship was sex - or more like lack of it. I am also not sure if I was ever attracted enough to him or if my past trauma just blocked that attraction and manifested as avoidance.
I have past sexual trauma where my boundaries were crossed in my first relationship, and in childhood my father acted violent towards me a couple of times. He didn't hit me, but he held me against the wall, screamed and was close to hitting me. All of this has lead where I am today - I have very hard time practicing intimacy, let alone have sex. I typically get nausea, freeze and panic when someone gets too close. I'd rather just avoid that all because it feels so daunting.
I told my ex all of this and he was very understanding. We started with small steps, and I really feel like I have grown more comfortable doing these things. Last month we started talking more about sex and how we could proceed to it, and I completely deactivated. I tried so hard - I talked about my trauma, shared difficult emotions but it also drained me to the point I experienced feeling disgust towards my boyfriend and just lost all of my previous interest. Before this, I also questioned if maybe I'm just not attracted enough. I never experienced intense crush or infatuation towards him. I like him very much and he feels safe, but I don't really lust after him. These feelings only amplified when I deactivated, thus leading to break up. He was ready to work on these issues, but I just completely shut down emotionally.
Now I'm thinking if this was just the case of lack of attraction, or was I just in the state of deactivitation. Because right now I REALLY miss him, but being with him felt draining and also meant I had to work on my trauma, which just feels too difficult right now. I am kind of holding onto the hope I meet someone that I truly could fall head over heels with and maybe then deactivitation would't hit so hard? Or am I just repeating the same cycle and just threw something very special away? Am i just completely delusional?
If anyone here has had similiar experiences, what tools do you have to differentiate between genuine lack of interest and avoidance stemming from trauma? Because now it all feels like a massive shitshow where I'm hopping between "I just wasn't interested enough" and "I just deactivitated and didn't know how to deal with it".