u/VillainousValeriana

I made another mistake at work accidentally leaving early again. I noticed I was more concerned with disappointing my leads than losing hours.

But then I really sat and thought about it for the last 3 weeks they've repeatedly shown genuine concern about me as a person. Asking me if I'm okay, asking me if I'm feeling discouraged because of feedback, telling me other options for departments so I can get full time

I'm still feeling hard on myself about today but I really been focusing on how positively I'm treated and spoken about here. Even behind my back I found out leads expressing genuine affection for me and it caused me to cry

I also remember freezing when I saw my supervisor giving my coworkers a hug but she seemed empathic about me not wanting one. It's like I'm not used to being treated like... A person

I also noticed all of this made me realize I'm used to functioning while exhausted. Not eating, not sleeping, being broke, smiling when I feel like shit, worrying about people's feelings and perception of me over my own physical needs. Safety and positive reinforcement makes me feel weak and exposed

I know I'm regarded as a daughter figure to people here so I dislike being underestimated, seen as less capable than others, being underestimated etc. I want to be seen as strong and capable like my family but I'm realizing this isnt even healthy

I grew up with emotions being punished, rest being punished (yes my grandma would angrily wake me up for taking a nap), mistakes being punished, everyone suffering silently, pushing through and working very hard just to get by despite burnout. I even realized I've picked up my mom's caffeine addiction

Still feeling pretty bleh about things. I don't even really care about losing hours right now I just don't want my reputation of being punctual and reliable being effected 🥲. I'd love to hear you guy's experiences and findings on this topic in the replies, how does safety, positivity, and vulnerability effect you?

I don't like that I view relationships as a bunch of power plays. I don't want power over others though. It's more like I don't want people to have "leverage" over me. So whenever I feel affectionate, I get mad because I feel like they have the key to control me which can cause me to shut down.

Whenever I feel love or want love I feel like I'm "losing". Which is stupid. I noticed the other day I felt angry (at myself) for asking my mother to rub my arm while I was in pain to calm me down (it also caused me to realize how touch starved I am. I don't let anyone including my mother touch me most of the time )

I can't take any sort of vulnerability on my end. I'm a wannabe lone wolf that gets mad when I realize there's no such thing as being a lone wolf. I need people, love, and support and I hate it.