I hate myself 19f
I am currently dating a guy and we have gotten intimate with each other and it’s really my first time I have experienced such intimacy like this. He is the sweetest guy you could ask for and most caring, but I don’t feel anything internally. I was crying because he was leaving for his transfer college miles away and I’m conflicted because how can I feel nothing while still thinking about him and then crying for him. He respects me and I talk to him about everything regarding my feelings. I’ve told him I liked him, but I don’t know what I want. I think I’m confused because what is love supposed to feel like? I’ve had severe depression since childhood and it’s better now, but I wonder if that is what numbed my feelings. I am scared to engage in intimacy. I don’t know, it just really makes me hate myself. My family is not loving and is emotionally distant so I wonder if that is what contributes to it. I’m hoping to go further with him hoping to see if I evolve along the way.